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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are kids really different when they're your own?

83 replies

youtown · 09/01/2022 21:19

Just that really.

I'd like to hear from people who don't enjoy kids except their own.

I have decided to have kids but really generally don't find them interesting at all and quite like to escape from others to be honest unless they're quiet and well behaved.

So I'm wandering if others have felt like this had their own and been fine with them because they're 'your own'?

OP posts:

mommabear2386 · 09/01/2022 23:04

💯 agree! I never had any interest in children or babysitting, my friends children ( I had my son much later than my friends) however my son is my whole world, everything he does is interesting and I love playing silly Games and everything.

Still to this day I have no real interest in others, my partners nieces and nephews etc or my friends kids haha! Not that I'd ever say it if course!

PeacheyPeach · 09/01/2022 23:08

I was never maternal, and ended up having a load of kids 😂 absolutely love them .. but other kids nah still not keen on them. If DC have playdates or the older ones have their friends over I cannot wait for them to leave!! I think my kids are great, kind well mannered, just lovely humans though!!

JacquelineCarlyle · 09/01/2022 23:08

@MaybeAMoaner

Me me me!

Always go wild if I see a cute puppy and not really that bothered about babies.

Never been overly maternal or broody.

Yet I have 3 and I love them so much. You love your own because they are a miniature you/your partner.
You get to watch them grow and learn at every single stage.
I wouldn’t be without them.
(They are age 16, 14 & 5)

This is absolutely me too, although mine are 15, 13 and 11!

BottlingBurpsForGrandma · 09/01/2022 23:12

Why have you decided to have kids?

Children aren't an alien species, they're human beings with wants, needs, foibles, hobbies, interests, personalities flaws, dreams and desires of their own. I find children (and people of all ages) generally so, so interesting.

However, the sense of responsibility and pressure once you have kids is always there and never goes away. Combined with a lack of sleep and high levels of repetition and mundanity (while still managing to require 24/7 headspace) I'm surprised more people haven't said it's different - as in worse! I certainly feel a bit like... hmm, how it feels when you wave your in-laws off after they've outstayed their welcome, for part of most days. Sometimes I feel like I am able to engage better with kids that aren't mine, as there's a freshness and energy to the conversation. I guess the old, "familiarity breeds contempt" thing? Though it's not contempt, it's just "meh"!

Obviously, you should only have children if you are sure you want them.

Fwiw, I am pretty smug and delighted with myself that I had mine. They are all wonderful (though omnipresent).

PurpleThursdays · 09/01/2022 23:14

Best saying I ever heard about this: kids are like farts, you can only stand your own.

Sums it up really.

manseymoo1987 · 09/01/2022 23:15

I love babies and children, probably why I work with them. Always enjoy a cuddle with other peoples babies. I have one dc of my own which we had through ivf. She is amazing and I love the bones of her. I have nieces and nephews that I adore also and would take them all on as my own if I had to. I'm godmother for my bf dd and I adore her and her brother. I will offer to babysit my nieces, nephews and bf friends dc, but it's always reciprocated so it's a bonus! Other Peoples children who I don't know I will take an interest in but without having a connection it is definitely harder.

Sailor2009 · 09/01/2022 23:20

I don't like other peoples kids at all, I find them loud, messy and annoying. Fortunately my kid is the sweetest, smartest and most gorgeous child that has ever graced the planet

ToykotoLosAngeles · 09/01/2022 23:22

the sense of responsibility and pressure once you have kids is always there and never goes away. Combined with a lack of sleep and high levels of repetition and mundanity (while still managing to require 24/7 headspace) I'm surprised more people haven't said it's different - as in worse!

This is exactly how I feel. I love DS so much, right down to his smell, but when I was 17 I babysat a really annoying 4 year old boy and DS has the ability to incite the exact same feelings of frustration and boredom at having to pretend to be rescued by Fireman Sam. For 2 hours.

I didn't have a child because I love babies and toddlers though. I'm looking forward to 5 and up!

Doodar · 09/01/2022 23:24

loved my nieces and nephews pre kids, lost touch with friends who had kids and kept bringing them to lunch when we met. so tedious.i never bring my kids to a friend meet up unless they specifically ask.

Aria2015 · 09/01/2022 23:26

If I'm entirely honest, I love and adore my own but literally everyone else kids (and I include my own nieces and nephews in this), I just fake liking. Sounds terrible I know, but it's true. I just have zero interest in children other than my own but I'm sensitive to others feelings so always make the right noises and make the appropriate fuss.

I look back and just think me having children was a gamble that paid off because I didn't really like kids and wasn't broody. I do adore them though and I am a ‘natural’ mother - my mothering is just exclusively limited to them!

Frenchfurze · 09/01/2022 23:27

To be honest, claiming to adore children in general strikes me as making as little sense as saying you love all adults, but I know that’s not really what you’re asking. I think that a key difference between ‘other children’ and your children is that parenting, as watched by a non-parent, often looks like pure drudgery, because only the external stuff is visible — the nappies, dealing with homework, tantrums, laundry, potty-training, The interesting stuff in parenting isn’t visible, and is even hard to describe because it’s so individual to you as an individual parent and your child as an individual child, and your circumstances. My experience as a FT working mother of one primary-aged NT child in an inner city in a new country, with a hands-on DH co-parenting, is going to be very different to that of a rural-based single parent of three teenagers, or a SAHP of newly-adopted siblings with some additional needs. I often don’t recognise the experiences of parenting on here because they don’t mirror my own — things like the assumption of grandparents providing care (we had DS in another country to all family so assumed all childcare needed paying for) and the difficulties and benefits of that.

massiveblob · 09/01/2022 23:48

I coach kids. (Sports) I love them all. I love them because they aren't mine and I don't have to look after to them as such. They are all different personalities. Some are quiet.some are sensitive. Some are are both of a pita but I kinda like seeing them grow up & see how they change.
Age 7 upwards tho. Not babies

AgathaAllAlong · 09/01/2022 23:49

How do you feel about the babies of people you love? I'm not a big baby person, but I do really like the babies and children I know, like those in my family and those of my friends. My own children though are entirely different, I can't explain to you how much I love them. They're the only people I feel completely comfortable with. I just love being with them so much, and love the watching them go through all the stages and learning about the world. Also, it is wonderful to have that connection with a child. I was prepared, more or less, for loving my first child more than anything else in the world - but I hadn't even thought about the fact that he would completely love me too. It's that bond and shared experience as you go through life together that make your children special to you, and other children just other people.

Chely · 09/01/2022 23:59

Other peoples kids I don't mind if well behaved or babies.
Our own children drive me insane but I absolutely adore them and have so much more patience with them than anybody/anything.

Momentsmatter · 10/01/2022 00:03

Before I had kids I wasn't at all interested in other peoples.

I always wanted to have a family though so did. I ended up with 4 and they are everything. Stranger than that though, I now quite enjoy being around kids. My job is now child related and I do some volunteering with kids too. My friends think I'm the most kid friendly person ever.

GrandRapids · 10/01/2022 00:17

I used to physically recoil at babies and small children. No interest whatsoever. In fact, they made me feel rather queasy.

My own however, oh my, he is the most amazing human on the planet.

I've got more time for other peoples children now as long as they're not dicks.

MabelsApron · 10/01/2022 00:30

My mum would say no, it’s no different, but she was a diabolical parent (we don’t speak) and openly admitted that she shouldn’t have had kids and wouldn’t have done had she not been expected to.

I dunno. I have a hard time believing that biology is that strong, as clearly it failed me.

I’m infertile and childless though so can’t speak with authority!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 10/01/2022 00:56

I think most people are like this.

I was never very interested in kids or babies until I had my own, and I don’t especially like any of the kids mine are friends with. I tolerate them. But what I’d indulge in my own kids (rabbiting on about Fortnite or Min craft for example) I find irritating from others.

RoyKentsChestHair · 10/01/2022 01:31

Yup! I have 3 and they’re brilliant, I love the bones of them but I was never one of those gushy mums.

I have literally zero interest in most other kids.

Very occasionally I’ll meet one who is exceptionally cute but it’s often not the ones everyone else seems to love

I was never particularly close to my XDPs children even after 9 years together and I don’t see much of my nieces and nephews. They’re nice kids but I wouldn’t say I love them or have a particularly close relationship with them.

I also worked as a childminder because it fitted well around my young family. I was always kind and fair with the CM kids, but more like a teacher than a second mum, unlike some other CMs I knew.

Funnily enough I can be affectionate to all cats, not just my own. But other peoples kids are more like dogs to me - fine from a distance, but don’t get up in my face, jump up and breathe on me and we’ll be fine

immersivereader · 10/01/2022 01:43

I've never met any kids as fascinating as my own

Poppins2016 · 10/01/2022 02:09

My own kid, however, is my favourite person in the whole world.

That's exactly how I feel. It's a very pure, innate, truly unconditional kind of love. I was surprised by how much my love for my children would grow as they grow... I seem to feel more love as their personalities develop. It's a beautiful thing.

Amusingly (and surprisingly), I find I dislike other people's children more now that I have my own... I'm not quite sure why that is!

Original poster

youtown · 10/01/2022 10:45

Lol this thread is helpful. I honestly feel that society puts extra pressure on parenting by making you feel that unless you already love kids it'll be a bad move.

Judging by the thread that's clearly not the case.

OP posts:

Nowayoutonlydown · 10/01/2022 10:49

Used to love babies- maybe I still do!
Love the bones of my kid, but dear lord everyone else's I find to be incredibly annoying.

XmasElf10 · 10/01/2022 10:51

Totally!! I like other peoples kids more now than I did before having my own. However I still have very little time for other people kids. Mine is great though, funny, interesting, well behaved (definitely rose tinted specs!)

SarahAndQuack · 10/01/2022 10:52

I wouldn't say I didn't like children before I had my own - I was delighted when my brother and his wife had the first baby in that generation. But I didn't feel like I knew how to talk to children or play with them, so I wouldn't say I enjoyed being with other people's kids especially. It's normal. Unless you've grown up with younger cousins or something like that, these days lots of people's only experience of children before they have kids is feeling a bit awkward when someone expects you to admire theirs.

It's much easier to like children after you have your own because instead of thinking 'WTF, this four year old is trying to make me pretend to be a plane and its fool parents seem to think I love it' you just say 'No, Milly, Auntie Sarah doesn't want to play planes. I'm getting a coffee with mummy now'.

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