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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL coping strategies…

76 replies

Anonymouslyposting · 09/01/2022 19:21

Urgh, I know I shouldn’t get so worked up about it and in the grand scheme of things my MiL could be so much worse but I need a good vent.

TLDR = if anyone has any tips for being zen about MiL comments on parenting/relationship with DH then that’d be lovely!

Today’s delight was being told how lazy I am because DH does nursery drop offs. I WFH whereas DH gets the train to work from a station 5/10 minutes walk from nursery (it would be a 40minute round trip for me). I absolutely accept that it would be reasonable for me to do some drop offs but how we split childcare is not MiL’s business. Her plan is also that I should do pick ups every day and look after DD so that DH doesn’t have to worry about getting home from work on time. To be clear DH and I work in the same industry with similarly demanding jobs and get paid the same.

I know this conversation isn’t a big deal but it’s just the latest in a series of constant little digs. The most recent have been that:

  • breastfeeding my 14 month old is “revolting”.
  • DH coming home at 6:45 to do bath time meant that I was treating him like a househusband and surely he’d be fired for it.
  • my parents are the “favoured grandparents” and she has “never been so angry” because they managed to give us covid which meant we had to isolate rather than seeing MiL.
  • DH is terribly hard done by because he sometimes does night wakings and she NEVER would have asked FiL to do that (to be clear, I did all night wakings from 3-11 months, DH does now do his share because I have gone back to work)
  • all the books we have bought for DD are not educational enough and in some cases are in fact harmful (the harmful one today is apparently the Gruffalo)

MiL is great with DD and I really want them to have a good relationship so I need to hold my tongue but I find myself sitting and wondering whether I am a rubbish, revolting, lazy wife and mother about 75% of the times I see her. Anyone found good ways to cope?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 09/01/2022 19:23

Have you tried letting her waffle on, with a very vacant expression on your face, and once she winds down, saying, 'hmmmmmm, sorry, I was miles away, what was that you said again?'

Harlequin1088 · 09/01/2022 19:26

Yep. You cope by telling her to fuck right off. It’s one thing to want your daughter to have a good relationship with her paternal grandmother but you absolutely do not have to endure being disrespected in your own home in order for it to happen.

Feedingthebirds1 · 09/01/2022 19:28

Usual question before replying - what's DH's take on it? Presumably he's OK with doing the things he does, but does he stand up for you against his mother? Does he see a problem with it?

Bargoed · 09/01/2022 19:29

How does your husband react?

KatharinaRosalie · 09/01/2022 19:30

Odd that she isn't worried about her relationship with her grandchild, when she keeps insulting her mother.

Diggersaursarethebest · 09/01/2022 19:30

Oh my god, you’re a saint. I would have thrown her out the house for the ´revolting’ breastfeeding comment and she wouldn’t be back till I’d weaned my child in my own sweet time (I fed my son until he was 2).
And she’s very wrong about the gruffalo. Tell her Julia Donaldson also half the the phonics materials they use in schools to teach children to read. (This is true btw).

Chasingaftermidnight · 09/01/2022 19:32

Do we have the same MIL? (We don’t, I’m her only DIL). But I’ve had some of the exact same comments. Just replace The Gruffalo with The Highway Rat.

LucozadeGirl · 09/01/2022 19:33

She's notmy MIL too is she??

Chasingaftermidnight · 09/01/2022 19:34

DH is terribly hard done by because he sometimes does night wakings and she NEVER would have asked FiL to do that (to be clear, I did all night wakings from 3-11 months, DH does now do his share because I have gone back to work)

My MiL made this exact same comment, in the same situation, and when I pulled her up on it (ie we both work full time in similar demanding jobs) she said that women are better at coping with the sleep deprivation than men are, so I shouldn’t make DH do any night wakes.

sadpapercourtesan · 09/01/2022 19:38

What's your DH playing at? HE needs to tell his mother to wind her neck in. Unless she wants to be on the outside looking in while her GD grows up. How bloody rude and ignorant she is.

KatieKat88 · 09/01/2022 19:38

Get your DH to put her straight. In an ideal world you want a good relationship between your DD and MIL but I don't think it's a good thing for her to see MIL disrespecting you like this (and from the sounds of it MIL won't be quiet enough to keep her feelings away from DD as she gets older!)

Skeumorph · 09/01/2022 19:40

'Yes, I suppose they ARE the favoured grandparents. But then, it's so much nicer and easier when you don't have someone constantly criticising your parenting and sticking their nose into what's none of their business. I guess that yes, DD will have a closer relationship with them as a result!'

But don't say that to MIL. Say it to your DH and make it crystal clear that:

  • his mum isn't just criticising you. She's slagging off BOTH of you and HIS family;
  • that if she carries on, your tolerance and thus your feeling any obligation to promote her relationship with your DD will get less and less
  • you don't get a close relationship with any child whose parents you piss off
  • she's rapidly convincing you that actually, she's unlikely to be a positive influence in DD's life if all she does is slag off the way she's being raised.

Tell him to let all that sink in, decide if he actually wants his mother closely involved with his child and if the answer is yes, to have a firm conversation with her where he tells her to wind her neck in, get some respect and understand that access to his daughter is a privilege not a right.

StoneofDestiny · 09/01/2022 19:43

Why on Earth has your MIL got any input into how you run your home and marriage? Presumably she knows where the door is?

StoneofDestiny · 09/01/2022 19:45

Seriously - these MIL's/parents or whoever have had their chance at parenthood and marriage - they shouldn't get to dictate how yours works.

Original poster
Anonymouslyposting · 09/01/2022 19:46

@Feedingthebirds1 DH is fine with doing the amount he does. I think he’d like me to do drop off occasionally so I probably should pick that up every so often but he loves coming home to do bathtime. He works hard so he’s tired squeezing childcare in - but he knows I am too so he’s happy to do his share.

DH agrees that she is being inappropriate and reassures me that he doesn’t agree with whatever she has said but he’s a classic people pleaser and a very “dutiful son”. So he ignores the issue as much as humanely possible. MiL is also very good at waiting until he’s not around to really get going - so for him to pull her up on it would be a case of calling her/seeing her specifically to tell her to stop, that may be what would happen in an ideal world but it does turn it into a bigger deal than just saying “Don’t say that DM” to her at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymouslyposting · 09/01/2022 19:50

@Diggersaursarethebest yes I did have to go and have a sit down in another room after the breastfeeding comment to calm down…

Sadly she’s got her wish and we ended up weaning last month because DD and I were both ill. I’m still a bit in mourning for it so I am not sure I’ll be able to bite my tongue if she presses on that particular nerve again!

OP posts:
wildseas · 09/01/2022 19:53

I think you could probably reply to most of those comments with something like "yes its funny how parenting norms change over time - it must feel like a long time since you had DH. Was feminism not really a thing then."

But then I wouldn't be too worried about upsetting someone who was being so rude to me!

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 09/01/2022 19:55

@mbosnz

Have you tried letting her waffle on, with a very vacant expression on your face, and once she winds down, saying, 'hmmmmmm, sorry, I was miles away, what was that you said again?'
GrinGrin
Original poster
Anonymouslyposting · 09/01/2022 20:00

Loving these suggestions - most of you have considerably more courage than me it seems!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 09/01/2022 20:02

If you never push back she'll never stop. Just to be clear you have all the power here. She want access to your child. You are your DH are the gate keepers.

Carriemac · 09/01/2022 20:04

Why would you facilitate a relationship between your DD and someone who disapproves and belittles you? Step back, answer her back every time and say ' well my mother agrees with me , maybe that's why her DD and I are so close . You have all the cards here so stop being a doormat .

Natty13 · 09/01/2022 20:07

Do nothing, bite your tongue and come on here in 10 years complaining about how your teenage DD has called you "lazy" "revolting" etc because she's watched her grandmother do it for years and you do nothing. Or worse, if you've had a fight and she decides to go off and stay with grandma because she's soooo much nicer than mum.

NOBODY disrespects me in front of my children. It's the height of rudeness and I absolutely will not tolerate it. You can perfectly politely teach people that you won't have it "that's very rude" "DH I'm taking DD for a walk, please show your mum out and don't arrange another visit until she can learn to be more respectful"

Chamomileteaplease · 09/01/2022 20:35

With regard to the comments about things like it being awful that dh does some night wakings - I would really enjoy asking her why do you think that? why do you think it's ok for me to get up and work the next day but not DH? Etc. To make her look daft to be honest.

Whenever possible ask why do you think that? Make her say out loud her ridiculousness.

I find it hard to believe that such a person can be "great" with your daughter. She sounds very difficult and very anti you which is not "great" for your daughter to be around.

GinIronic · 09/01/2022 20:38

@Harlequin1088

Yep. You cope by telling her to fuck right off. It’s one thing to want your daughter to have a good relationship with her paternal grandmother but you absolutely do not have to endure being disrespected in your own home in order for it to happen.
All of this - plus stop your daughter having too much contact with her. MIL is poisonous and best avoided.
violetbunny · 09/01/2022 20:40

I would just laugh out loud at her comments and say "Don't be silly MIL, you know that DH and I both work full time" or something like that.

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