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AIBU?

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Original poster

MiL coping strategies…

76 replies

Anonymouslyposting · 09/01/2022 19:21

Urgh, I know I shouldn’t get so worked up about it and in the grand scheme of things my MiL could be so much worse but I need a good vent.

TLDR = if anyone has any tips for being zen about MiL comments on parenting/relationship with DH then that’d be lovely!

Today’s delight was being told how lazy I am because DH does nursery drop offs. I WFH whereas DH gets the train to work from a station 5/10 minutes walk from nursery (it would be a 40minute round trip for me). I absolutely accept that it would be reasonable for me to do some drop offs but how we split childcare is not MiL’s business. Her plan is also that I should do pick ups every day and look after DD so that DH doesn’t have to worry about getting home from work on time. To be clear DH and I work in the same industry with similarly demanding jobs and get paid the same.

I know this conversation isn’t a big deal but it’s just the latest in a series of constant little digs. The most recent have been that:

  • breastfeeding my 14 month old is “revolting”.
  • DH coming home at 6:45 to do bath time meant that I was treating him like a househusband and surely he’d be fired for it.
  • my parents are the “favoured grandparents” and she has “never been so angry” because they managed to give us covid which meant we had to isolate rather than seeing MiL.
  • DH is terribly hard done by because he sometimes does night wakings and she NEVER would have asked FiL to do that (to be clear, I did all night wakings from 3-11 months, DH does now do his share because I have gone back to work)
  • all the books we have bought for DD are not educational enough and in some cases are in fact harmful (the harmful one today is apparently the Gruffalo)

MiL is great with DD and I really want them to have a good relationship so I need to hold my tongue but I find myself sitting and wondering whether I am a rubbish, revolting, lazy wife and mother about 75% of the times I see her. Anyone found good ways to cope?

OP posts:
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 20:45

Op, it's awful isn't it!!

What's wrong with these people I'd love to know. Sad
I wonder has your dh been secretly Moaning about the situation or has she been leading conversation along these lines and he hasn't firmly shut it down.

As pp said you need to tell him what's going to happen, he shuts her down or you won't entertain her.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 09/01/2022 20:49

Why do you want to your DD to have a relationship with her? She sounds rude and bonkers. I'd be making a big deal about every rude and sexist comment. It's her who should be biting her tongue and not you!

Helendee · 09/01/2022 20:53

Never mind coping strategies you need to sit this woman down and tell her you are sick of her criticisms and are not prepared to put up with anymore.
Tell her she is a good grandmother but you are not going to allow your daughter hearing you being picked apart and that your relationship with husband is none of your business and totally out of bounds.
You need to be really firm, adult to adult here.

Mummy1608 · 09/01/2022 20:55

@Skeumorph got it absolutely right
'Yes, I suppose they ARE the favoured grandparents. But then, it's so much nicer and easier when you don't have someone constantly criticising your parenting and sticking their nose into what's none of their business. I guess that yes, DD will have a closer relationship with them as a result!'

You don't have to be snippy, but say something like this with total seriousness. "I prefer to spend time with people who aren't rudely critical or belittling to me. The more you say things like that, the less I want to spend time with you and confide in you."

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/01/2022 20:56

This is actually a big thing OP. She sounds nasty, and the fact she is deliberately waiting till your DP is away means she knows it. She may well love your daughter, but she doesn’t like you. And the more difficult she is, the less you will want to see her, and in the end it will mean the relationship with your children declines. Your DP also needs to stand up for you - no one likes conflict, but you are is wife, he should not allow you to be treated like this.

Every time she says something pull her up on it. We do half the childcare each / we split everything evenly / these are the books we’ve chosen

If she doesn’t shut up, or when she says something serious like her comment about breastfeeding, tell her that you are good parents and it’s no Ok for her to undermine / be nasty.

If she keeps it up, DP needs to talk to her to explain this is serious.

If it still doesn’t work, reduce contact to focus only on the kids.

Seriously If you don’t deal with this it will get worse and worse. You are giving her no boundaries.

TeresaMayspants · 09/01/2022 21:01

It won’t get better. You shouldn’t need to come up with coping strategies to be around someone you don’t even like.
Don’t see her anymore -let your DH arrange contact. Life’s to short!

iheartredsquirrels · 09/01/2022 21:01

Sorry to hear of another 'I don't want to upset anyone, let the wife deal with it' mn dh.
I often wonder how some men on here actually father babies when they don't seem to have any balls to start with.

Mummy1608 · 09/01/2022 21:02

Ps I agree with PP that her comment about your BF would give me THE RAGE. I think you are too nice/polite tbh because I would have had a sharp retort for most of the things your MIL has said. Try next time you see her, to have a calm, firm, but brief, response to every jellyfish zap.

Eg MIL: "oh I hear you've finally weaned?"
You: "you must know you're being unnecessarily hurtful."

MIL: [Your dh] seems very tired after the night waking doesn't he?
You: I don't know if you're trying to imply a criticism, but if you are, I'm not interested

Mil: so [your dd] has seen your parents again for the third time this month? But you've only invited me here once?
You: yes, I enjoy spending time with them

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/01/2022 21:04

Don't let her in your house any more. Dh can visit her in her own home. You do not have to put up with this. You married him, not his mother.

iheartredsquirrels · 09/01/2022 21:09

Bollocks to the 'being kind' 'you upset me when you say this' responses, I wouldn't engage with her or tell her she's being rude, she sounds like she wouldn't take any notice any. You don't need to see her, let dh sort her out. He can visit her with dc and he doesn't need to report the negatives back to you either.

JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 21:12

@iheartredsquirrels

🤣🤣🤣.
Very true but if you are on here long enough you will see a corrallation between mums like this and men who kow tow.
Unfortunately I also have personal experience of this.

JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 21:17

Also I know people liked this thrive on you being too polite.
It's extraordinary anyone thinks it's OK to speak to anyone like this let alone their sons choice of partner and mother of their grandchild.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 09/01/2022 21:19

I could have written this about my own MiL, even down to my parents being the favoured ones.

We’re much further down the line and it just got worse and worse and worse. My DH also a bit weak and a people pleaser (from a lifetime of her BS I expect) and wouldn’t face up to it for a long time, until he cracked and spoke up last year. They are now almost NC because she will never take responsibility or admit fault. Fine by me - years of her shit almost broke me.

RandomMess · 09/01/2022 21:20

Did your MiL work and earn as much as FIL.

You could be PA with "well if DH earned enough for me to stay at home and the mortgage be paid things would be different wouldn't they"

She is really very nasty with her comments!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/01/2022 21:21

Don’t be a doormat OP. She sounds like a cow.

PatioWorries · 09/01/2022 21:23

Really it should be your Dh, however, as she is deliberately not saying things in front of him I would shut her down myself. By not confronting her and biting your tongue it is giving her the go ahead to say more things.

Why are you so worried about offending her, she certainly isn't worried about offending you. You need to tell her that her opinions aren't only unwelcome but 70 years out of date and that if she continues you will not be seeing her.

JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 21:29

Hairy fanjo same, my in laws tried to pitch themselves agaisnt my ill df who has since passed away.
But according to the their own rules... It's got to be equal and now mine are gone Confused

Original poster
Anonymouslyposting · 09/01/2022 21:33

Thank you everyone, I think you’re right, I need to think about whether there’s something I should do to stop this before DD is old enough to realise what’s going on.

I am not a doormat in almost anything else in my life - quite the reverse. I think I’ve just taken the view that nothing will change MiL who is a difficult person generally and I don’t want to put DH in the middle. He loves his mother and she is not the sort of person you can criticise without her making a massive deal of it and potentially doing a lot of damage to their relationship. Obviously I am more important to him, we have been together 13 years and are a family, but he would be distraught to lose her. The way she behaves is hurtful to me but I have been putting up with it because I am sure her reaction to any real confrontation would be extreme and likely to hurt DH more than she hurts me. I may need to reconsider if it’s going to impact DD who obviously comes first.

OP posts:
MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat · 09/01/2022 21:39

I think we may have the same MIL. Mine is currently furious with me for catching Covid, meaning we were unable to visit for Christmas. I caught it from my son, her grandson. At 22 weeks pregnant she didn’t even ask how I was once she was so furious her Christmas plans had been ruined by me.

So if you find and coping strategies for people like this I am keen to know!!

JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 21:40

But you should not have to put up with it, because not being a door mat may mean he will loose his mum??

That's not your business or issue, you can't fix their relationship and you should not be able to break it.

But at the same time, your relationship with Mil is not working and you should not have to put up with it because their relationship is so fragile Confused

I just can't imagine bullying someone like me this. Especially not my child's partner.

LadyFlumpalot · 09/01/2022 21:40

I used to play MIL bingo, I'd decide in advance which barbs I was looking out for, and if I got them all I'd treat myself to something silly but nice. A cake on my lunchbreak or fluffy socks or something.

Or, whenever she speaks to you, stare at a spot on her forehead with a vaguely concerned face and occasionally brush your own forehead.

Carriemac · 09/01/2022 21:44

But your DH won't be there when you answer her back if she saves her meanness fir when you're in your own. Just say nice things about your oarwsna nd their wonderful relationship with you and your DD and how they never criticise you.

Bluetrews25 · 09/01/2022 21:46

MIL, please realise that the world has changed significantly since you were a young mum yourself. To keep a roof over our heads, we both have to work hard, long hours. This means we have to share non-work tasks, like night wakings and drop offs.
Please realise that when you criticise me you are also criticising your son and how he chooses to live, because we are a united front. If you want a good relationship with your GCs you'd do well not to antagonise their parents.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/01/2022 21:47

I think I'd just say look, it's my marriage not yours and we are happy. I know you love your son, but criticising me isn't helping him. If you keep doing this I'm going to leave / put the phone down / ask you to leave because I don't actually have to listen to it. And then do it. She will soon bite her tongue

ScruffGin · 09/01/2022 21:57

You could always channel a 3 year old and keep asking why?
Oh DH shouldn't do night wakings/nursery pick ups/bath time
Why?
Well, because of xxx
But why do you think that? Why would that happen? Etc etc etc

And just keep going... Hopefully she'll look stupid and stop saying these things..

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