MiL coping strategies…

[Anonymouslyposting]

Urgh, I know I shouldn’t get so worked up about it and in the grand scheme of things my MiL could be so much worse but I need a good vent.

TLDR = if anyone has any tips for being zen about MiL comments on parenting/relationship with DH then that’d be lovely!

Today’s delight was being told how lazy I am because DH does nursery drop offs. I WFH whereas DH gets the train to work from a station 5/10 minutes walk from nursery (it would be a 40minute round trip for me). I absolutely accept that it would be reasonable for me to do some drop offs but how we split childcare is not MiL’s business. Her plan is also that I should do pick ups every day and look after DD so that DH doesn’t have to worry about getting home from work on time. To be clear DH and I work in the same industry with similarly demanding jobs and get paid the same.

I know this conversation isn’t a big deal but it’s just the latest in a series of constant little digs. The most recent have been that:

• breastfeeding my 14 month old is “revolting”.

• DH coming home at 6:45 to do bath time meant that I was treating him like a househusband and surely he’d be fired for it.

• my parents are the “favoured grandparents” and she has “never been so angry” because they managed to give us covid which meant we had to isolate rather than seeing MiL.

• DH is terribly hard done by because he sometimes does night wakings and she NEVER would have asked FiL to do that (to be clear, I did all night wakings from 3-11 months, DH does now do his share because I have gone back to work)

• all the books we have bought for DD are not educational enough and in some cases are in fact harmful (the harmful one today is apparently the Gruffalo)

MiL is great with DD and I really want them to have a good relationship so I need to hold my tongue but I find myself sitting and wondering whether I am a rubbish, revolting, lazy wife and mother about 75% of the times I see her. Anyone found good ways to cope?

[quote JanuaryBluehoo]@iheartredsquirrels

🤣🤣🤣.
Very true but if you are on here long enough you will see a corrallation between mums like this and men who kow tow.
Unfortunately I also have personal experience of this.[/quote]
I've been on here more years than I care to remember tbh, at least 15 years As I said on my 1st post about some dh on mn not having any balls how do they father dc ??

My MIL thought the sun shine out of her boy’s backsides - she has no daughters. I remembered one time we were staying at hers during one of the kids’ holidays. Husband got to her at 6.30. I got there at 11pm, as I had a printing deadline to meet. She proceeded to tell me how stressful DH’s day had been. The side eye had never been so strong…

Every time she comments on how hard done by your DH is remind her times have changed since she was bringing up children and most decent fathers play a much more active role in bringing up their children, your DH is perfectly happy with the arrangements and your work responsibilities and salary are exactly the same as his and lastly it is none of her business how you split the drop offs, night feeds etc. I could not be doing with the constant sniping so you should be defending yourself not learning how to cope with the nasty comments.

Do you have to hold your tongue? I really do not think you do. Could you simply say "That is a matter for me and my DH." Keep saying it - a boring mantra. Polite and firm. Don't engage in further conversation - just repeat the mantra.

I am a MIL and believe me it is sometimes hard to zip the lip when I do not entirely agree with how things are being done. But under absolutely no circumstances (short of child abuse) would I open my mouth and comment on things that are nothing to do with me. I just have to think how I would have felt if my parents had done so to me when I was bringing up my children.

Watching my GC being brought up I have to say that on the whole my AC are doing a better job than I did!
You do not have to tolerate this. Learn the mantra!! Do not deviate!!! Do not be inveigled into further conversation.

As a pp said, she'll continue to do this as long as you tolerate it. Stop tolerating it. You can either laugh at her or ignore her or tell her you have no interest in her opinions but what you should NOT do is listen to her rude impertinence and say nothing.

I agree with "that a matter for me and dh" repeat and leave the room if necessary.

Or maybe start with "sorry I missed that did you say something?" every single time. move on to "Oh you are funny MIL - like something from the 19th century really - i often tell my friends the things you say and they think you are hilarious" Or "what an extraordinarily rude thing to say. I hate to be blunt but our arrangements are none of your business". If she complains to dh so be it - that's up to the 2 of them to deal with.

I doubt how great she can be with your dd if she is trying to sow discord between your dd's parents and disrepects her mother.

Can you get a monogrammed notebook- something like “unwanted outdated advice from [name of MIL] which you can hand to her every time she tries this shit? I am sure I’ve seen some on Etsy? Seriously pick her up on it every time. Tell her thanks but we are doing it our way, if we want your thoughts we’ll ask. Or that we are not living in the 1950s and her son will play an equal role in housework and child rearing. Go noticeably low contact for a few weeks and don’t make up excuses- just say it’s really hard to enjoy time with her when she’s constantly criticising things. I really wouldn’t put up with this- if she’s this rude when you’re there, can you imagine what she says when you’re not (to your kids/ DH).

The more you do not pull her up on her comments, the more she will do it. I’d have a bank of short responses you can use and repeat depending on what nonsense or rudeness she come out with. And change the subject immediately.

Like ….

That’s your opinion, it isn’t one that DH and I share.

Oh.what a strange / rude / sexist thing to say.

You do know we are living in the 21st century, don’t you?

Goodness! What a very outdated view!

That’s really none of your business.

But what do you say when she has called you lazy? Or when she has used the word 'revolting' to describe breast feeding your child? Is there an awkward silence, do you respond?

How does she know so much about your daily routine? To know drop off/pick up/ bathtimes etc., she is a walking time and motion study. Where is she getting this information from? You need to keep your routines to yourselves.

I don't agree with ignoring/letting it wash over/not worth it. She is undermining you. It's not right - it's bothered you enough to post anonymously and ask strangers does their opinions - do you really think it will get any better as times goes on. Pallisers upthread gives some excellent MIL retorts.

Good luck OP

Is she staying with you?

I’d just get up and leave each time she starts being rude to you, leave the room.

And yes absolutely your parents will have a better relationship with your parents if your MIL is rude and critical and nit picky with you.

The nursery drop offs sound sensible to me if it’s on the way to your DH’s commute, he’s going in that direction takes less time and energy to do a drop off one way rather than a round trip.

I’d remove myself from her each time she starts criticising she can talk to herself.

My MIL was like this in the beginning. DH told her firmly that extended breastfeeding worked for our family. I chose to simply not engage with her. I didn't entertain her advice or even say thank you. I'd just go 'hmmm". She told me my babies should cry it out and even bought me a book on it. I ignored her and threw the book out. I have always been kind to her, and she has been kind to me, but every time she tried to bully me to do something, my ignoring her was the best defense because you need two people to argue. I have grown to love her and she eased up slowly over time. However, kinda out of the blue, about 15 years after DD1 was born, my MIL said to me, "You really hurt my feelings when you chose a midwife over the ObGYN I recommended. He was my friend and you endangered my granddaughter by going to just a midwife." I didn't bother arguing or stating that my excellent midwife helped me deliver a healthy baby and I had a speedy recovery (or remind her I had a low-risk pregnancy). Instead I did the 'Hmmm..." I didn't apologize (which she obviously was going for). I suppose she'll always have this grudge against me, but I'm very, very happy I've never engaged. I can't imagine she would change her mind and neither will I. Better to just let it fizzle.

You absolutely don't need to bite your tongue. You need to say 'thankfully MIL, things have moved on since the 1950s. And it's none of your business anyway.'

And then show her the door.

Why would you want her to teach your child her values?

If grandma cannot hold her tongue in front of you, imagine what she is saying out of earshot. Allowing access to your dcs is a privilege not a right, never forget this.

I just read the new house thread about critical in laws. This post advising turning the negativity to positivity was brilliant.

This is the thread btw. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4449319-am-i-unreasonable-about-house-comments-from-in-laws?pg=1

Why do you not tell her what a pain she is? Stop facilitating her visits (I bet you do this, not your dh!) and critically, stop telling her everything you do-how is it anything to do with her who drops off your dd? Pull back, don’t ever visit her, stop playing nice, can you imagine what she’ll say to your dd when she’s old enough??

Do you see her without your DH there?

If so, from now on you only visit with DH. He doesn’t leave your side for a second. No, not even to go to the loo. If that means you have to cut visits short, then so be it.

It might mean MIL sees a lot less of you if you can only visit when DH is available but that’s her tough luck.

She sounds a lot like my MIL. Including the fact that she waits until DH is not around to do it, my MIL either makes snippy comments or just blanks me totally, even if I speak directly to her, I've always been polite to her & given her no reason to be otherwise. She will speak normally to DD though so it's not like she's perpetually in a bad mood, or dementia or something. When DH, FIL are around, she is relatively normal with me - she absolutely knows she's doing it. A year or so ago I got tired of trying to reason with DH about his mother's behaviour, he just won't talk to them (FOG issues) so I eventually said I'll be polite as I always am but I'm not going out of my way to see them any more, I won't go to their house, I don't want to meet them for coffee in town etc, & DD isn't to stay over their house any more as she always comes back in a foul temper, hair matted, & constipated from the lack of fruit & vegetables. Surprisingly he agreed.

I think is long term MiL sufferers need our own dedicated section on here!

us* not is.

Or, whenever she speaks to you, stare at a spot on her forehead with a vaguely concerned face and occasionally brush your own forehead.

@LadyFlumpalot

This made me snort

Mine (who I used to get on great with) has started behaving similarly since we got married and had DC. We have a two year old and an EBF newborn so when DH isn’t at work we tend to tag team with him doing the bulk of the care for our eldest and me for the baby. Usually he IS at work, plus I do all the night wakings for them both and always have, so in practice I do way more, plus I’ve had two horrible pregnancies and two traumatic births, the most recent of which was a premature EMCS from which I’m still struggling to recover fully. But you’d think I’d been lying in bed for three years while DH did everything from the way she acts. It’s pathetic, she sees the mutual adoration between him and our eldest in particular and how well he takes care of her and instead of bursting with pride for what a lovely dad her son is to her grandchildren like a normal person, it seems to trigger nothing but irritation and resentment in MIL and she can’t rest then until she’s made a snide comment to me to make her feel better about it. I’m afraid my coping strategies aren’t very zen - I tend to just say nothing about it and think incredibly uncharitable thoughts about her/slag her off to my own family and friends (which makes me feel loads better tbh!) Your DH sounds similar to mine in that he sticks his head in the sand about it and does the dutiful son thing and would find it very difficult to approach it head on. I accept that (for now anyway) because her influence on our life is limited by geographical distance and her own lack of interest in making herself a positive presence in the kids’ lives. As you say, I know we’re more important to him, we’re his real family, and so does she - plus it would make me uncomfortable to have to have a confrontation with her and would therefore require more effort on my part than I’m prepared to commit to her so when she makes her pathetic comments I just inwardly tell her to fuck off and die and then move on with my day.

@Anonymouslyposting

Urgh, I know I shouldn’t get so worked up about it and in the grand scheme of things my MiL could be so much worse but I need a good vent.

TLDR = if anyone has any tips for being zen about MiL comments on parenting/relationship with DH then that’d be lovely!

Today’s delight was being told how lazy I am because DH does nursery drop offs. I WFH whereas DH gets the train to work from a station 5/10 minutes walk from nursery (it would be a 40minute round trip for me). I absolutely accept that it would be reasonable for me to do some drop offs but how we split childcare is not MiL’s business. Her plan is also that I should do pick ups every day and look after DD so that DH doesn’t have to worry about getting home from work on time. To be clear DH and I work in the same industry with similarly demanding jobs and get paid the same.

I know this conversation isn’t a big deal but it’s just the latest in a series of constant little digs. The most recent have been that:

• breastfeeding my 14 month old is “revolting”.

• DH coming home at 6:45 to do bath time meant that I was treating him like a househusband and surely he’d be fired for it.

• my parents are the “favoured grandparents” and she has “never been so angry” because they managed to give us covid which meant we had to isolate rather than seeing MiL.

• DH is terribly hard done by because he sometimes does night wakings and she NEVER would have asked FiL to do that (to be clear, I did all night wakings from 3-11 months, DH does now do his share because I have gone back to work)

• all the books we have bought for DD are not educational enough and in some cases are in fact harmful (the harmful one today is apparently the Gruffalo)

MiL is great with DD and I really want them to have a good relationship so I need to hold my tongue but I find myself sitting and wondering whether I am a rubbish, revolting, lazy wife and mother about 75% of the times I see her. Anyone found good ways to cope?

Nah, she's just stupid. Pay no attention to any of the shit bubbling around in her head.

Just because she's verbally incontinent you don't have to take it on board.

Just respond as someone else suggested..... Mmmm, Mmmm, what was that?

I don't get posters who say you should pretend you've not heard her nasty comments.

Why on earth would you let her get away with it?

She sounds like a prize bitch who doesn't understand boundaries.

If you want it to stop, I'm afraid you are simply going to have stand up for yourself and be unpleasant about it if you have to.

The comment about being revolted by your breastfeeding is really foul. And about your getting Covid being an opportunity to rage. Mental.

It's only going to get worse and it will cause problems with your relationship with your dcs. This woman will have zero issue slagging you off to your dcs.

Put an end to it now and tell her it's unacceptable. If she has nothing nice to say then she should shut her trap.

She has way too many opinions. But does your H tell her to stand down!? Does he tell her ''we have discussed it and we don't need your input''.

Why would you want a woman so nasty around your child?

Why is it acceptable to you that you are spoken to so badly?

Why is it acceptable to your partner that his mother speaks to you like that?

Why are YOU so unimportant in your own life?

Why is she allowed come to your home and belittle you?

Why would you allow this around your child who will hear and absorbed what she says?

Why would you want your child to witness someone speaking to you like that, and you accepting it?

Why is your husband's relationship with a nasty unpleasant woman, more important that you having some self respect?

Loyalty in a relationship is SO important.

He has NONE for you.

You have have zero loyalty to yourself.

I don't understand how relationships like yours survive, when there is so little self care, loyalty and respect.

YOU deserve better than HIM.

He is 100% putting himself ahead of both you and your daughter.

HIS relationship with his mother is 100% more important that YOU and your daughter.

You clearly are happy for your daughter to be raised in an environment where she too will grow up and accept being spoken to in such an awful way, and accept that her partner has zero loyalty to her🤷‍♀️.

I have two daughters and there is no way I would want them to tolerate 1 comment like those you have accepted.

I would hope they would tell their MIL that if she speaks like that again, she is NOT welcome.
I would hope they would choose a decent partner that would also not tolerate such awful behaviour.

Your low standards are going to be what your daughter will grow up thinking is acceptable, unless YOU develop some self respect.

You both deserve better than this weak man and his awful mother.