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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what I should do in this situation

67 replies

Snugglebum20 · 09/01/2022 11:09

I've organised a hen do for my friend. She wanted to go to a spa for the day. This has cost £160 each. She has never been to a spa before and doesn't know the cost of going to a spa.

It doesn't feel right to message her to say (in not so many words) 'hen do organised. Can't tell you where we are going yet. I now need £160 from you'. Obvs I wouldn't put it as blunt as that. Im thinking of asking her mum if she is going to be paying for her daughters cost. The mum is coming to the hen do.

Do i ask the mum ? And how do I word it ?
Do I just ask the bride for the money ?
The others going to the hen do can't afford to split the cost between us

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 09/01/2022 11:12

If she's never been to a spa issue really going to enjoy it? When you don't know how it all 'works', what a massage or facial involves it can be a bit intimidating. Cost issue aside, unless you've booked already I'd be haing a chat about why she wants to do it.

rosiebl · 09/01/2022 11:13

Very unusual for the hens not to cover the cost of the hen; could you raise it in the group chat?
That being said, I paid for my own place on my hen but that was because we went abroad for it. My chief bridesmaid texted me and said 'hen do is x amount, all details are a surprise but you need passport'. She had discussed it with my DH beforehand to make sure it would be affordable for me. Perhaps you could try her DH?

Chloemol · 09/01/2022 11:13

All the hens I have been in we covered the cost of the bride. Would it be an idea to tell the bride that due to the cost of the spa the hens can’t afford to cover so it’s £160. If she is not happy to pay that then find something cheaper to do that you can cover the cost

HugeAckmansWife · 09/01/2022 11:13

Is she not 'issue'!

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2022 11:15

That’s a lot for a day. I’d have discussed costs before booking it tbh. How many other people are going? Are they all okay with the cost?

PooPooPongDelong · 09/01/2022 11:15

Don't make it her mums problem
You organised it, you sort it
Who did you think was going to pay?

CleanUpTime · 09/01/2022 11:15

So its not a "surprise" as she said she wanted to go to a spa so did you not run some costs and options by her before booking? Did she not discuss budget? Is £160 including a meal and overnight and access to spa/a treatment or just use of the facilities for the day?

If its a full package then just message her "hello hen do is booked! Its £160 each so can you send me the money/we pay on arrival/however you have to pay"

OhMyChickenDinner · 09/01/2022 11:15

Brides don’t usually pay to go on the hen do, it’s usually split between the hens. Where are you in the U.K.? I’m in the Midlands and a basic spa day at a nice spa around here would be just under £100 without treatments. If it’s too expensive maybe ask her to choose something else rather than making a big drama out of it. You can get pamper people to come round to your house for much cheaper, make a nice afternoon tea, get some Prosecco in?

RevolvingPivot · 09/01/2022 11:17

I was just going to say it's not a surprise 60th birthday. It's a hen do. She needs to know the details. She will know everyone a lot better than you do. She needs to know the costs and to discuss it with everyone before you book.

dowhattyougotttado · 09/01/2022 11:18

When it was my hen do I just asked for the cost per head and transferred my share to the organiser.

It never occurred to me that others would cover my share seeing as they were getting together for me and had the expense of everything for a night out/weekend away/drinks etc.

Had they offered that would have been lovely but it was never an expectation and I certainly didn't give it any thought.

If it's too much to share a across all the attendees bill/they don't want to or aren't able pay more I would just send the bride a breezy text and say you've made enquiries and the cost per head is £x and if she's ok with that could she send her share over so you can get money together and book it.

Haus1234 · 09/01/2022 11:19

Agree with PPs - the usual thing is for all the hens to cover the cost of the bride.

FishPhish · 09/01/2022 11:19

The brides cost should be split between the others going imo
Really should have been considered/discussed prior to booking
Could you book somewhere a little cheaper?

Restart10 · 09/01/2022 11:19

I think its for everyone else to pick up the hen costs. Don't message her mum, why should she pick up the tab. The correct thing you should have done is, got the quotes and send it to everyone including the hen's portion and then booked it after. I think you just need to go back to the rest of the group asking them if they are ok to pick up the rest.

bonfireheart · 09/01/2022 11:20

£160 is alot, are the other hens OK with that amount? Was budget even discussed before booking?

RevolvingPivot · 09/01/2022 11:22

Really. I paid for myself on my hen.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2022 11:22

If the bridesmaids or other guests are going to pay for the bride they need to know what they’re signing up for.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 11:24

Honestly you should have dealt with this before you booked. Booking with no idea how to pay for it is not ideal.

OttilieKnackered · 09/01/2022 11:25

Don’t get why the hens should cover the bride. They’re already forking out the money because of her tbh!

Imagine any other occasion where someone essentially said ‘I want to do an activity that costs £160. You each need to pay it and you each need to chip in for my costs as well.’

onewednesdayindecember · 09/01/2022 11:25

Don’t ask her mum to pay! I don’t know why that would cross your mind tbh.
Can the other hens at least put some in each to bring the price of hers down?
It sounds like you might have picked something a bit too expensive for the people involved?

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 11:26

@OttilieKnackered

Don’t get why the hens should cover the bride. They’re already forking out the money because of her tbh!

Imagine any other occasion where someone essentially said ‘I want to do an activity that costs £160. You each need to pay it and you each need to chip in for my costs as well.’

As the saying goes it’s an invitation not a summons.
OttilieKnackered · 09/01/2022 11:29

Yes yes I know but realistically if it’s your best friend or your sister or whatever it’s pretty tough to opt out.

GabriellaMontez · 09/01/2022 11:29

I've never been to a hen where we paid for the bride! Coat a fortune just to pay for myself!
Text "cost for spa day is £160 can you do a bank transfer thanks. " add details if she doesn't have them. But really you should have checked the cost first.

goldfluffyclouds · 09/01/2022 11:30

Seems like there should have been some discussion about budgets before booking somewhere - now its a bit awkward as you are finding out.
I would set up a group chat with the rest of the hens and ask them if they are still ok with the £160 place, and how do they feel about adding sharing the cost of the bride as you have found out that's the usual convention... If the general consensus is that no one can afford the extra for her - then i would suggest you look to do something cheaper for the hen do and cancel the booking... Also maybe whoever is closest to the bride can have a quiet chat about her expectations and clarify that the spa might be cancelled because its looking too costly and maybe she will offer/be happy to pay for herself

Muthalucka · 09/01/2022 11:36

Every hen I’ve ever been in you always pay for the bride. How many are going on the hen is 160 between you all that much more?

Ovenaffray · 09/01/2022 11:37

Every hen do I’ve been to everyone else covered the cost of the bride.