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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what I should do in this situation

67 replies

Snugglebum20 · 09/01/2022 11:09

I've organised a hen do for my friend. She wanted to go to a spa for the day. This has cost £160 each. She has never been to a spa before and doesn't know the cost of going to a spa.

It doesn't feel right to message her to say (in not so many words) 'hen do organised. Can't tell you where we are going yet. I now need £160 from you'. Obvs I wouldn't put it as blunt as that. Im thinking of asking her mum if she is going to be paying for her daughters cost. The mum is coming to the hen do.

Do i ask the mum ? And how do I word it ?
Do I just ask the bride for the money ?
The others going to the hen do can't afford to split the cost between us

OP posts:
LethargicActress · 09/01/2022 13:05

I think in your position I’d just tell the bride the truth and say that as it’s so expensive, she didn’t want to ask the others to split the cost for her. If she’s a decent human she’ll be flatted that her hens are willing to pay £160 for a day doing what she wants and will happily pay her share.

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2022 13:05

It sounds like you can’t afford that particular spa day. You need to sit down and work out what you can afford paying for the hen.

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2022 13:08

Just tell her that you have booked spa day for her hen, her share is £160 and she can transfer it by x method.

We never cover the hen as we cant afford to!

Graphista · 09/01/2022 13:12

Why did you book it BEFORE checking with her re price?!

Tbh I don't understand why the whole hen/stag thing has got so expensively out of control!

I don't see ANYTHING wrong with what used to be the traditional lairy night out that was what happened before this insanity! Especially if the hen and their circle are on low incomes/budgets!

All that said - if a spa day is the thing you ALL want to do (I think it's out of order to pressure people into spending more than they can afford!) then a way to reduce costs is to look at things like groupon or use loyalty card offsets (I have a nectar and Clubcard and there are several spa companies that are available to be used via their reward schemes)

But honestly the budget should be agreed upon BEFORE anything is booked!

HW1989 · 09/01/2022 14:32

All hen parties I’ve been to the hens have covered the cost of the bride, but prices discussed before anything is booked in case some can’t afford or only want to attend certain parts. I’d say if it’s something the bride specifically wants to do and others can’t afford then discuss the price with the bride and if not try to arrange something cheaper.

Adododoadahdahdah · 09/01/2022 14:49

the budget should be agreed upon BEFORE anything is booked!

Given the amount of threads over the years, asking how people can back out because they agreed to go but now they’ve had a text asking for ££££, I agree.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 09/01/2022 22:29

You're in a bit of a sticky spot here.

If you were expecting your fellow hens to fund it, you should have asked prior to booking.
If you were expecting the MOB to fund it, you should have asked prior to booking.
If you were expecting the bride to fund it, you should have asked prior to booking.

If I were a hen, I would have assumed the quoted price was the price. I wouldn't be happy at a price jump. I wouldn't be happy as the bride or MOB being blindsided with a request for money.

At this stage, you will probably have to pay yourself. You may be able to get the hens to pay if there's a lot of them and the increase is minimal. If it's, say, £40 it's not a reasonable request. It may push it into unaffordable for some and they may want their money back as goalposts have changed. I wouldn't be willing to pay £200 for a spa day unless it included a couple of treatments, at least.

Graphista · 10/01/2022 08:34

@Adododoadahdahdah yep! So many threads like this and the issue is a lack of communication/negotiation before anything is booked.

But as in my previous post I think it's ridiculous how hens/stags have got so out of hand anyway!

Valeriekat · 10/01/2022 11:19

So the bride chooses something expensive and everyone else has to pay for it?
Glad I got married 30 years ago and it was a trip down to the pub!

KeepYaHeadUp · 10/01/2022 11:23

@Snugglebum20

Just to correct. I think it's a big ask to ask for the other hens to split the cost and some might not be able to afford it. But that said, the bride shouldn't be paying for herself as it's her special day
Have you asked everyone? Floated the idea at least, making it clear saying no is an option?
Iusedtoloveinstantwhip · 12/01/2022 00:27

Thanks for all the replies. I have cancelled original plans and booked afternoon tea instead.

phishy · 12/01/2022 00:31

Have you already paid? Why on earth did you book and pay without working out who is paying for what?

Ask bride for the money, £160 is toi much to sub her.

HappyDays40 · 12/01/2022 04:25

Why would the bride's mum pay for herself and the bride. The bride is obviously not a dependent child. Normally it's split between the hens.

HappyDays40 · 12/01/2022 04:26

Afternoon tea is so much better than a spa.....good callGrin

FluffyBooBoo · 12/01/2022 07:55

@Iusedtoloveinstantwhip

Thanks for all the replies. I have cancelled original plans and booked afternoon tea instead.
Name change fail?
Iusedtoloveinstantwhip · 12/01/2022 08:52

@FluffyBooBoo yup lol. Good job you noticed and I haven't posted anything else under the new name !

WaterBottle123 · 12/01/2022 08:57

Hens should not cover cost of bride!!! They are already shelling out for her choice of hen do and wedding, completely bizarre idea for bride to get a freebie, she's getting married, not having open heart surgery.

Text bribe the cost and ask for transfer

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