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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pull my 4 year old daughter out of the dancing show.

62 replies

Crazyplantmom · 08/01/2022 23:04

Hi! My first time posting here and to be honest I just really want some opinions of fellow mums about this whole situation.

My daughter (4) started attending dance lessons in November, so since then she only had about 5-6 lessons. The school is doing a big show for all the kids and I signed her up after I was told that everyone else is doing it too.

A few days ago I got some more details and there in fact will be two separate shows on the same day (4 hours apart) and she would have to participate in both of them. That means I would have to spend a whole day with her and my 2 year old in a theatre and it is just not doable for all of us for many different reasons. I e-mailed the school and said unfortunately she won’t be able to do the show due to the fact we simply can’t spend all day there and she’s not allowed to do only one show. The response I received was something along the lines “you don’t have to be there, you can just leave her with us and we will look after her”.

This is where my AIBU question comes from. Is it just me to think that this is just crazy? Never in a million years would I leave my little, shy 4 year old child alone in an unfamiliar place with pretty much strangers all around her. My anxiety is going through the roof just thinking about this. Please let me know if anyone else feels the same way! Thank you.

OP posts:
Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 08/01/2022 23:08

Does she go to school? Isn't she with teachers etc there? My dd 4 did a show. Sent a packed lunch and took her home afterwards.. Wasn't an issue. The worst bit was no photos were allowed..

Hospedia · 08/01/2022 23:10

It's up to you because she's your DC so you get to get the rules of what you're comfortable with.

My DD does dancing, we've had shows where I've chaperoned her myself and shows where I leave her in the care of professional/official chaperones but I'm comfortable doing that.

HP07 · 08/01/2022 23:10

I think this is pretty standard in the dancing community, I did ballet shows from really very young and we would be left with the group of our peers and have some designated adults looking after us.
My son will do his first dance show at Easter this year, he is a bit older 5.5 yrs but as I am also going to be dancing I definitely won’t be around to stay with him/supervise. Depending on where you are performing also I’d imagine the theatre limits the amount of people in the changing rooms, if all the parents stayed that would double the number of people.
You have to decide whether it works for your child though, if they are painfully shy perhaps performing on stage and/or being separated from you for the day won’t be right for them anyway?

Original poster
Crazyplantmom · 08/01/2022 23:10

She doesn’t go to school yet. She goes to playgroup 3 times a week for a few hours. The only difference is the environment, the small room of children (she still took some time settling in) and the big theatre with many people she never met before.

OP posts:
Pinkchocolate · 08/01/2022 23:12

The staff look after her to practice so it’s just a longer day. My daughter was really shy and thrived at her dance shows and had a wonderful experience. Send a packed lunch and she’ll be fine, on the rare chance that she isn’t the teachers will call you.

DappledThings · 08/01/2022 23:12

DD did a dance show last summer when she was 3. Dropped her at the stage door about 40 minutes before, watched the show, picked her up at the end. If it had been two shows I might have taken her out for a little walk or something in-between.

She was with her teacher and dance classmates, other teachers from the franchise and a few DBS checked chaperones. She was fine, had a ball.

It did knacker her out. My main concern would be her not getting through the second show although she loved it so the adrenaline might have got her to do it.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 08/01/2022 23:14

If the dance school are saying you can leave her with them then there are probably others that will be left there too so sounds like it’s a planned for situation and someone will have responsibility for them.

Kitkat151 · 08/01/2022 23:15

My DD left my DGD at 2.5 years for a dance show ( 5 hours including the rehearsal on stage) .....she was fine....took her lunch, her potty and a teddy..... I left my DD ( GDS) Mum at 3.5 years for a full day....lots of people to look after her....do her hair....get her ready).
If you don’t like it then pull her from the show....but it’s very normal

GeneGenie123 · 08/01/2022 23:16

Dance is a strange world and when you encounter it for the first time it does come as a surprise. Not my cup of tea at all, my DD’s switched to gymnastics. We’re far happier with the set up.

newnameforthis76 · 08/01/2022 23:17

I wouldn’t really expect the parents to be there all day for something like that. The kids and the teachers aren’t all strangers; they’re the same people the pupils see at lessons every week.

If your daughter isn’t ready, then that’s fine, she doesn’t have to go. Just withdraw her. But to be honest it sounds like you’re the one who’s getting anxious, not her.

Original poster
Crazyplantmom · 08/01/2022 23:17

Thanks for the responses everyone! I had no idea this was normal in the dancing communities. I guess it is mostly my anxiety speaking right now. I don’t want to be a helicopter and have her miss out, but something about this whole situation makes me really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
FreeFrenchHens · 08/01/2022 23:18

If you're not comfortable with it then it's absolutely fine to pull her out.

I volunteered to chaperone when mine were little for exactly this reason. It's a very long day for everyone. But our nursery class doesn't do th shows at all.

AvocadoPlant · 08/01/2022 23:19

When DD was that young they would be in the first half of the show only so we could collect them in the interval and bring them back for the second show later. Might be worth checking if this could be an option?

CiderWithLizzie · 08/01/2022 23:19

Yes this was a shock for us with DD1 aged 3/4. She was fine though. We were less worried with DD2. They are 20 and 18 now are remember it all fondly!

Cheerfulcharlie · 08/01/2022 23:19

You know your daughter. She’s only 4 and if you and her wouldn’t be comfortable with it, pull her out. It doesn’t matter whether it’s normal in the dancing community. They’re all different at different stages. There’s plenty of time for this when she’s a bit older.

newnamenewyear · 08/01/2022 23:20

If she wants to do it, let her! It'll be a good experience for her.

If she doesn't, then pull her out.

Original poster
Crazyplantmom · 08/01/2022 23:20

That’s the thing that makes me anxious. She only knows one teacher and 4 other girls and the rest of the people are other teachers and students who not even I’d met before. I guess there would be dozens of people there in total as the show is for the whole school not just her group

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 08/01/2022 23:21

This is normal for dance performances. My dd did one at 5.5 and loved it, though it was a long day and pretty tiring. There were younger ones there. Very good chaperones and an exciting experience. All parents had the opportunity to chaperone but I wasn't needed in the end. It's up to you if you think your dd will enjoy it.

SmellyOldOwls · 08/01/2022 23:21

You have to let her spread her wings some time. I'm sure they'll contact you if she starts to get upset.

Kitkat151 · 08/01/2022 23:21

@Crazyplantmom

Thanks for the responses everyone! I had no idea this was normal in the dancing communities. I guess it is mostly my anxiety speaking right now. I don’t want to be a helicopter and have her miss out, but something about this whole situation makes me really uncomfortable.
What are you anxious about? The kids have a great time....the little ones love the big girls who help out.....there will usually be some Mums there in their changing room with chaperone licences ( from the local council) .....they are well looked after
gabsdot45 · 08/01/2022 23:22

Very normal in dance school shows, I fact parents aren't usually allowed back stage unless they are helping out.

orangina01 · 08/01/2022 23:22

When my DC was little I made sure I didn't sign them up for the local dance school that does this sort of show. Because like you, I'm not comfortable doing that either! I managed to find a smaller school that did a show but just one and the little one did their part first then we're "released" by the side door to their parents where they could watch the rest of the show. It made me feel much more comfortable. They also didn't have exorbitant costume costs or make up on young children. I think you just have to decide what you are okay with and look for a place that aligns with that. We've had to hunt around but found two dance schools now that work for my DC. Good luck.

Rolypolybabies · 08/01/2022 23:22

I wouldn't leave my kid in that situation. It is a huge difference leaving in an ofsted registered childcare setting. Might be dance normal but many other sports have had "normals" be shown to be terrible in recent years. Not for me thanks!

parietal · 08/01/2022 23:23

pull her out if she isn't going to enjoy it. there is plenty of time for her to do big performances when she is 5 or 6 or 10 etc. It is not as if this is her only chance.

DellaPorter · 08/01/2022 23:24

I have a DBS and have chaperoned. The children are in a small group with one or two adults looking after them and should be well cared for. The licence for the show will specify how many hours the children can perform/ practice for and what breaks they need. Safeguarding should be a high priority.