AIBU to pull my 4 year old daughter out of the dancing show.

[Crazyplantmom]

Hi! My first time posting here and to be honest I just really want some opinions of fellow mums about this whole situation.

My daughter (4) started attending dance lessons in November, so since then she only had about 5-6 lessons. The school is doing a big show for all the kids and I signed her up after I was told that everyone else is doing it too.

A few days ago I got some more details and there in fact will be two separate shows on the same day (4 hours apart) and she would have to participate in both of them. That means I would have to spend a whole day with her and my 2 year old in a theatre and it is just not doable for all of us for many different reasons. I e-mailed the school and said unfortunately she won’t be able to do the show due to the fact we simply can’t spend all day there and she’s not allowed to do only one show. The response I received was something along the lines “you don’t have to be there, you can just leave her with us and we will look after her”.

This is where my AIBU question comes from. Is it just me to think that this is just crazy? Never in a million years would I leave my little, shy 4 year old child alone in an unfamiliar place with pretty much strangers all around her. My anxiety is going through the roof just thinking about this. Please let me know if anyone else feels the same way! Thank you.

There’s nothing wrong with it in general.

You know your daughter best, but I’d do a quick check that she is really too shy, rather than you being over protective. If she enjoys it it would be a shame to miss out, and could help her build independence.

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@Rolypolybabies

I wouldn't leave my kid in that situation. It is a huge difference leaving in an ofsted registered childcare setting. Might be dance normal but many other sports have had "normals" be shown to be terrible in recent years. Not for me thanks!

So do your kids do no activities where they are left.? .....or do you always stay and supervise them ?

She’s only 4 and not at school yet so not used to being on her own and being in a huge show is such a massive step, there is no way I would have let my child do that! There is plenty of time for your daughter to enjoy pursuits out of school but it’s crazy to try and do that before she’s even started school and make her do such a long day, so wrong in my opinion.

yes but the children are normally assigned a small changing room with others of a similar age, and plenty of helpers. Both our dance schools have done it that they are in that room unless they are being carefully chaperoned in a group to stage and back, or to the loo. However it's still handing your small child over to other parents you don't know from Adam, and no system is suitable for all 4 year olds. If you're not comfortable with it, don't do it. It'll be much easier when she is 6 or 7.

They spend a lot of time eating snacks and colouring. Maybe a DVD on a laptop.

YABU.

You more than likely would not be allowed to stay with her anyway unless you volunteer as a chaperone which involves getting a licence from your local authority and possibly attending a training course. And as a chaperone you would definitely not be allowed to have a younger sibling there.

If you don’t think she can cope then you know your child best. In all my years experience of both running shows and chaperoning for other people’s shows most kids do cope, the few that needed things done differently had SEN.

I found dance shows awful when my daughter's were younger, so much pleasure on parents and kids. I switched to a musical theatre school were the shows were far less formal and they put more effort into building confidence in the children.

Thank you for the responses! I really appreciate all different views. I know I wouldn’t be able to be with her at all times, but just the fact that I was in the same building as her not miles away would ease my mind a little bit. I also don’t drive so wouldn’t be able to get to town quickly.

Hi. I had exactly the same situation whe my daughter did ballet at preschool age. No way did she want to be left. (Yes she went to preschool but that was people she knew). We just said No and the ballet school were fine. I think we bought a ticket to go and watch the show so she could see her class dance. (It was a long time ago now.....I have a feeling we only lasted for the first half the show). She didn't carry on with ballet when she started school but did carry on not wanting to be left until she was comfortable with people.

School age yes, pre-school no I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.

It’s pretty normal . It’s just not one day , and kids usually love it , if she doesn’t then dancing isn’t for her. If she loves it then you’ll need to be prepared to give up time for classes shows and exams.

Any chance of you taking her home between shows?

I think you’re right to be concerned. She is too little for such a long day with so many people she doesn’t know in an unfamiliar environment x

Also, she’s only done a few sessions so why on earth would a 4 year old be in a show all day, I cannot believe other posters saying it’s fine, I wouldn’t let my 11 year old fo this, she does lamda and gymnastics but we have gradually worked up to big shows and examinations.

DD started doing shows at that age and always loved it. She was in nursery 4 full days though so maybe more used to being left than your DD. You know best whether your DD would enjoy it.

If your worry is being miles away, is there anywhere else nearby you could go to wait with your younger DC?

My daughter went to dance classes just after she turned 5. Parents had to wait outside while the lesson was on but she would always come out just because she was so shy. But she ended up doing the big show. Dropped her off in the afternoon with a packed lunch and went back in the evening to watch the show. It was amazing and she loved it on stage. It could be the best thing for your daughter and if there was any problems they would ring you.

If she wants to fo it let her. It'll help with her confidence and hopefully not let her turn out to anxious like you.

You are being ridiculous. My daughter did a show at 3 (she actually played the main part) and had loads of rehearsals. I have always left her. Same with any future shows/rehearsal. You're being absolutely ridiculous

My dd has sung and played in orchestras since 5, I drop her at the designated time (usually early afternoon) then collect at 9.30 ish at night, I can then book tickets for a performance is I want but I didn't actually meet up with her. She's grown now, didn't do her any harm

Op honestly do what you feel comfortable with and what suits you and your dd. Don't let anyone tell you you're wrong. Your child, your decision. I wouldn't have left my dd in your situation, but would have tried to find a compromise, eg take her home in between shows. She used to do ballet and show expectations were often bonkers! My dd decided she didn't like ballet in the end as she didn't enjoy going to classes early on a Sunday morning. I was glad when she asked if she could stop going!

Speaking as someone who's dd does dance, no way. Not at 4 and not if you feel uncomfortable. Some children would be absolutely fine. Mine wouldn't. Maybe at 6 I'd consider it? My dd loves this type of show and rehearsal now but has only done them since about 7/8, and we were allowed to chaperone

Having the big gap in between is unusual IME, as my DD's dance school does one show a night/day (but often 2 or 3 days consecutively).

I've chaperoned backstage, the children are usually quite happy (they love getting changed into their costumes and shoes) but if you think she won't like it this time you can always wait until the next show.

You have to let her spread her wings some time. I'm sure they'll contact you if she starts to get upset.

She’s 4, not 14.

My daughter would have hated it at that age.

It depends on the child. I have been chaperoning backstage since my daughter was tiny (she ordered me to let her go to theatre school age three and then insisted on auditioning for one of their shows when she was 3.5). I usually look after the tinies and bring lots of colouring books, PIcture books and toys etc and most really enjoy themselves. But occasionally with a really shy child I do think they can be too young and they need a lot of looking after. You know your own child best.

OP, let me tell you a story.

Some 12 (gulp) years ago our eldest was taking part in a ballet show. Large local theatre. She was 3 in the March and the show was the following July. Not yet at school and was looked after by grandparents rather than attending nursery.

I got the when and how details about the show a couple of weeks before and like you, my anxiety was sky high. We’d got a second child by that point who was 18 months old. I could not understand how I could leave this precious bundle with these people she danced with for only an hour a week! Had it not been for the baby, I would have camped outside the stage door!

I can’t now remember what changed my mind, but I did and she went to the show. I will admit to having written our name on her torso with telephone number in case she went astray from the theatre. And completely over packing snacks and drinks!!

She LOVED the show, What I learnt is the dance schools have chaperones (council registered I think) and have so much experience in dealing with all the kids in that situation.

I would, in your situation, ask if you can take her out in the interval of the two shows. Just so you can be sure she’s eaten and drank.

12 years on, she still dances at two different dance schools. They have done shows in London as well as loads of local ones. They even went to Disneyland Paris to perform . She has so many dance friends ( I was never a dancer so didn’t understand this bond) and she always looks forward to shows, not just for being on the stage but the whole experience. Crikey, did they miss the shows during lockdowns.

All our other children dance too (their choice, not mine) and despite being really different personalities, have always coped at the shows and enjoyed them immensely.

However in saying all of that, you know your daughter best. There will be plenty of other years to dance in shows.

Just get the tissues ready when you do first see her on the stage.

It's normal and they will have all sort of systems set up for dealing w the little ones but if you think she is too young then by all means pull her out.