To help me make some friends (Absolutely desperate here…)

[Ifonlyicouldhaveafriend]

I’ve never been good at making friends. I had a best friend in primary school and one best friend in secondary. I’ve moved abroad after high school and worked my way up on the ladder, so I never went to uni/collage.

I’ve made some friends but nothing solid and all of the frizzled out. I have a boyfriend we’ve been together for quite some time (8 years). Since I met him I really didn’t make an effort to find or make friends. I’m now 30 and have absolutely no friends whatsoever. It doesn’t help that I’m not a very social person. I’m more of a homie and get lost in my thoughts a lot. But I’m lonely… and feel extremely jealous when I walk pass a restaurant and see some girlfriends having dinner and all. I feel extremely stuck and really don’t know what to do. Please help. I’m feeling so lonely!

@Royalbloo

Maybe we could start a WhatsApp group for people who feel they don't have many friends? Like Mumsnet but smaller?

I think this is a good idea too. I suffer with anxiety and getting out to meet people is very difficult, but it would be great to have a group of people to chat to. Maybe if everyone who's interested messages each other we could set up a group? Then we could post a little intro, like age, area (roughly), interests, circumstances, see how it goes?

Meet-up . It’s a website where people decide to do something, can be anything from a walk to the Theatre and invite people to join them.

You need to be proactive.
Join a night class
Arts and crafts club
Reading club

Whatever floats your boat.

Or even a facebook post. Heading to town tomorrow anyone fancy a coffee?

@Ifonlyicouldhaveafriend

What is ‘WI’?

Women's Institute

It is absolutely not Jam and Jerusalem any more. There are lots of 'younger' institutes or ones with a good range of ages.
Most also now meet in the evenings.

Numbers range from a dozen members up to 150 in the really large city groups

They also have lots of sub-groups which vary from one to another, but can be: book groups, wine groups, dinner/lunch clubs, craft, walking, running, cinema etc etc

Some are also very active in all sorts of issues too.

Have lived where I do nearly all my married life. Have made loads of new friends with people I didn't even know I existed.

Look here to find your local one if anyone is interested: www.thewi.org.uk/wis-a-z

And you can visit as many as you like to 'try before you buy'

Once covid allows... join a choir, classes at the gym, a writing club, art club, local history club. Volunteer at eg. local food bank or similar.
You have to out yourself out there, but a structured group makes it easier.

@TheBugHouse

I go to WI and one of a younger group there. it’s fantastic for making friends. There’s so much going on every week. Cinema night. Meals. Crafting. Sports groups, darts, badminton and volunteering… try it, you might surprise yourself and there will be others your age too.

I was just going to say the same think. Don't necessarily go to your nearest but find one that meets your needs. You will make friends at the small sub groups and outings. There is at least one thing to do at mine each week.

It doesn’t sound remotely ridiculous.

Another vote for trying the WI. You can try a few different groups if you have a few within reach. Ours has women from 17 to mid-80s and there’s such a lovely and supportive feel to the group. Also a few different smaller groups within it such as book club, supper club, walking groups etc. If there’s no groups around you could start one.

We are hopefully going to make a move to a different part of the country this year where we know no-one. Not sure what DH is going to do socially but I will be signing straight up with one or more of the local WI groups and going from there.

My friend joined a WI in her 30s and had a great time. DH joined a choir at 40 and found it v sociable. My sister joined a crafting group which is also sociable. My dad made friends through church.

Good luck!

IME, making friends comes in lots of different forms. If you want to belong to a casual social group that goes out for dinners, drinks etc, then join a sports club or volunteer at school. I've never found close friendships through this sort of thing, but it definitely leads to drinks at Christmas, dinner out in a big crowd etc - a few dates in your diary.

But real friendship, if you are not naturally extrovert, comes from shared passion, especially if it's for something slightly geeky or different. I know people who have made lifelong friends at their historical re-enactment groups or their folk singing groups. My own life long friends are via work or a hobby linked to work and we talk about little else but our obsession. We are very close though, and very supportive of each other, celebrate birthdays and Christmas and occasionally go on hobby-related holidays together.

What do you absolutely love doing? Whatever it is, look for a shared interest group. Look locally or online or on meet up. Don't worry about making a good impression or friends quickly. Just go along to enjoy the interest and gradually people will interact with you. I expect things to take about two years to switch from being social acquaintances to actual friends. But having acquaintances and a few fixtures in your weekly diary is a great start, even if it's just yoga class and choir or netball and bookclub. They get you mixing and meeting people.

My local MIND has a gardening group which meets weekly to clear the allotment and a natter. People dip on and out depending on their life commitment l's but all welcome. My friend has made friends with people she'd have never met otherwise. Try and see if there's a local one near you.

Hi @Nanny0gg thank you for the info on the WI that sounds interesting. I'm in the same boat as the op and would love to make some local friends. I'm late 30's, do you think there would be other women around the same age that go there? Thanks.

I have recently moved overseas and it was really important that I established a life in my new home town, so I joined a circuits class, a tennis class, boxing, went to curry making classes ...anything that could widen my social circle . Its hard at first, I'm quite socially anxious but with a common interest it's easy to find something to talk about . You really have to put the effort in but after 2 years I have a great group of varied friends

What would you even have to talk about with friends if you don’t have hobbies or interests? Get those first then the friends will follow. Art classes, dance classes, volunteering… do them all, don’t just pick one thing.

If a WI is one of the younger groups it's likely to have a good website or Facebook page. Eg. hertsbellesstalbanswi.blogspot.com/p/all-about-your-wi-faqs.html?m=1

They are good for getting to know people locally as anyone can join in, doesn't rely on cliques or being asked. As well as the monthly meetings most have spin off groups like book clubs, walking groups etc.

@WaterLilly42

Hi *@Nanny0gg* thank you for the info on the WI that sounds interesting. I'm in the same boat as the op and would love to make some local friends. I'm late 30's, do you think there would be other women around the same age that go there? Thanks.

Depends on the institute. If you put your postcode in that link I posted you can see all the ones convenient for you. Most now have a website, some have open FB groups. If you can, ring and talk to the President/Secretary. If they're welcoming then odds are the WI is. There are still some 'old-school' ones out there so that's why it's worth finding out who's welcoming on the phone, what they get up to from the website and then visiting them first (they'll just charge a small admission fee, typically £5). Ages vary. Some are very forward looking, some are more staid. There's even a Goth one! Some meet in halls, some meet in pubs. They are very individual. But seriously, the meeting subjects can be very interesting and the groups are really how you get to know people better.

Do message if you need any more info. (I've only been in a few years as I thought you had to bake and knit and I don't!) but I'm a total convert.

I'm around your age and most of my new friends in the past year or so have come from the gym... people i see often in classes, or just generally around the club and have gone from smiling, to 'hellos', chatting and then naturally, invitation to do x, y or z.

I'm a bit older than you but have felt really lacking in the friends department lately. It's kicked in a lot since lockdown and more so in the past 12 months. I'm about to move house so planning to join the gym and any local groups. A few years ago I met some friends through simply walking the dog so I'm hoping that'll happen again

Bumble the dating site has a BFF version for finding friends. I joined when I split with my ex and was wanting more female friends to go to the theatre, meet up for coffee, drinks etc.

@LeatherJacketWedding

I think making friends is like employment. Easier to get if you’ve already got one. I say that from a low self-esteem perspective. The people trying to help by essentially saying ‘just get a hobby’ (fortunately for them), just don’t get it

But what is the alternative, though? Apart from just sympathising with the OP’s evident loneliness, which I hope at least makes her feel less alone, but isn’t going to magic her up the friendships she so desperately wants. To make friends by whatever route, she will need to be proactive, and committing to doing something she loves regularly will at least give her pleasure while she’s putting herself out there and (with luck) making some genuine connections that may eventually develop into friendships. And if she doesn’t make any friends at the activity, at least she’s been doing the pottery/ conservation work/running or whatever she loves

I don’t think anyone thinks hobbies are a magic fix, but a shared enthusiasm is a great uniting force, and someone else all fired up and absorbed by the thing you live is always a good start in meeting someone.

@Summerfun54321

What would you even have to talk about with friends if you don’t have hobbies or interests? Get those first then the friends will follow. Art classes, dance classes, volunteering… do them all, don’t just pick one thing.

I don’t think that’s fair, my good friend has no specific hobbies and “just exists really” in her own words but we can still chat the day away and put the world to rights

Could you post on a local fb group and say you are looking to meet people for [dinner, cheese and wine nights, book club, parkrun etc]? I moved into a new area 2 years ago and was miserable. I posted on the local fb group and people were lovely. I got invited to someone’s house the next day for coffee with her and some friends and made some other good local friends.

One thing I’ve found (and this goes against my introvert nature) is you have to put yourself out there. The other really good friend I’ve made lives on my street. I kept seeing her in town and literally accosted her and asked if she fancied coming round for coffee!

FabriqueBelgique. I agree. I 'bubbled' through lockdown with my friend and we saw each other just about every day and came to the conclusion we can just talk shit for hours on end without running out of shit to talk about. Neither of us have any specific hobbies or interests either.

The wild wanderers and the travel squad both changed my life last year, you can join both groups on Facebook

@Ifonlyicouldhaveafriend

I’m based in Hertfordshire. I have some interest but they are mostly things that you would do by yourself, not really a group activity. I don’t know how to explain but I would like if I could have some (or one) friends to go to have drinks with or coffee or talk or anything really. I’ve tried to join a yoga class a couple of years ago but no one talked unless they knew each other.

I know this may sound ridiculous, but I am heartbroken 😞

You really have to stick with it. I joined a bootcamp 18months ago and a yoga class about 2 years ago. We are just now starting to chat, meet up, go for drinks, turn up at each other's homes with presents etc. Thats how long it can take. And that;s fine. Just keep doing the activities for their own sake and let the friendships evolve gradually. At least you are getting out of the house and socialising which gives you the chance to make friends.

A quicker way might be to join a book club. I've never done one but there seems to be a lot of booze involved and that tends to get people to bond, and then they lend books to each other and chat about where to buy the next book and who's read it etc. The ones round here seem very sociable. Not my thing but the people i know who do it are very friendly with each other.

Try not to assume that everyone you see having coffee together have great close friendships. They could be very casual acquaintances or frenemies. Take your time and the right people will find you.