To ask when YOU would agree to 50/50 residence of children, and why?

[Littlegreenfrogcake]

I completely believe that children should have an equal and solid relationship with BOTH parents, no question about that. But what does that look like for separated families with young children, too young to have a say in what happens?

What is your experience or thoughts on 50 50 shared care?

If you could add links to research pr further reading, I'd gladly accept.

Any of you with experience of a baby moving between parents would also be welcomed.

IMO kids need a home they spend most of their time in. The rights of the parents are secondary. As long as the non resident parent can see them regularly and maintains contact, the kids grow up being loved and parented by both parents but without the instability of one week here one week there. Equal split is too disruptive I think.

In the very unlikely event we divorced, I would expect DH and I to have 50/50 custody. He is every much of a parent as I am (not just biologically but he’s very hands on)

A baby is different though... I don’t know what I’d do in that situation

Probably not a baby as I breastfeed, but I would have happily had 50/50 now they are older but ex would rather not see them at all so 🤷‍♀️

Exactly what @waftypants said.

Especially for a child under 5.

Sharing an under 3 50/50 is totally unfair on the child.

We use the nesting method. The children have their home and with the use of a smaller rented property we satellite around them.

What @Waftypants said.

A main home but regular contact with NRP - dinners in the week, weekend activities, weekends and holidays etc.

I’d consider cuckooing as well.

@Merryoldgoat what is cuckooing?

@loopyapp

We use the nesting method. The children have their home and with the use of a smaller rented property we satellite around them.

This is such a good idea. Needs an amicable relationship between the separated parents though.

And a baby no overnights.

I wouldn’t think 50/50 was a good move until they we old enough to say they wanted it.

My niece and nephews started off with 50/50 contact with both parents when they were primary aged. It was a disaster and the kids were deeply unhappy because they felt they didn't have a home of their own, they just bounced from one place to the other and never felt settled. The parents eventually settled on something more like 70/30. They don't see their dad at all nowadays unfortunately because he turned into a total deadbeat and abandoned them but that's another thread!

@Bluesarestillblue

I think it’s also called nesting.

Main house is ‘family home’ and there’s another place that you effectively share with ex but not at the same time.

Depends on funds of course - you could have separate places if money allowed.

That would only work of course with a certain type of person.

Wouldn’t have worked for us with a baby. We are probably about 60/40 with me having the 60. It works extremely well for our children. The youngest was 3 when we split though.

@loopyapp has described it - that’s what I’d do in preference I think.

I don't think 50 50 is fair on children and they should have one main home. 50 50 is for the parents and not thinking what is in the child's best interests

A colleague has 50/50 and so far (a year since separation) it works very well.

Saying that, the split was civil and both made sure the girl has a room set up to feel at home, she can bring whatever she wants from one house to another.

Same with another set of friends, they actually lived in walking distance for the first 2 years and the child would often pop to one house after schoo even if it wasn't "her day" just because she wanted something or talk to the parent.

In the end, it's the child which is important but I think parents should make an effort to enable it.

Obviously it has to be an age they understand it, so before 5 it may be very difficult.

I strongly agree that most children need to feel like they have one main home and the stability that goes with it.

You do hear of some parents and children who make 50/50 work but I think this only works in limited circumstances - usually where the parents live very close to each other, have a very amicable relationship and the children have the kind of personality that they don’t really mind going backwards and forwards. For many children this kind of arrangement can be very stressful and a bit of a disaster.

I have a friend who is a single parent from the outset but sad involved.

Baby lived with her. Dad visited regularly during new born and baby period (didn’t attend the birth).

He tried to ‘help’ but from what I saw he was even more clueless and useless than many resident fathers are. So that phase fell pretty much to her solo. She was lucky to have a lot of support from her own family. And we discussed, and I think it was true for her, that it brought a simplicity to it. She wasn’t negotiating what the arrival of the baby has done to the relationship, or figuring out how to parent alongside a partner with different ideas and expectations. I had both of those and DH and I argued a lot in the first year. We’ve found our balance now (mostly that DH realised I was right about most things ) but at the time it was hard and I found it easier when he was away for work.

Anyway, sometime around 1yr the dad started taking DC out at weekends, building up to a whole day and then overnight. Now primary aged, DC lives with mother and goes to father for the weekend every other weekend.

Sounds great tbh and I sometimes envy the set up! Everyone seems happy.

A couple of my friends who separated very amicably live three streets away from each other and parent their DC more or less the same way they would if they were together, just in separate homes. It’s less a rigid 50/50 on paper arrangement with agreed days, and more one of convenience and what works best for the family unit/s: if she has to work late several days one week the DC will be with him all that week; if one of them has plans one weekend then the DC will be with the other; sometimes the DC will ask to go back to their mum’s after school, sometimes they’ll ask for their dad.

It seems to work really well with settled and happy DC and each parent parenting equally whilst being supportive of the other. Does require both parents to want to stay close by so there’s minimal disruption and travel involved, though.

I love the idea of nesting but I think it’s more of a short-term thing for most people. Sharing a home with someone is a pretty personal, financial and logistical relationship and requires a lot of communication even if you’re not there at the same time. Even if your divorce was amicable and you co-parent beautifully I think for most people sharing a home with someone you have divorced gets old after a while. Sharing a home with someone is a pretty personal relationship even if you don’t occupy it at the same time.
between my friends and friends of friends I know three couples who’ve tried it and none of them lasted very long,

100% 50/50 is for the parents sake ONLY. As a child I went from home to home and genuinely hated it, in the end nowhere felt like home and I still feel like that now, I could happily move and up and leave everything because it doesn’t mean anything. I’ve also seen the effect it has had on a relatives child, they really struggle going backwards and forwards. However I’m aware there are some exceptions to the rule

I know of 2 families that tried 50/50 when they split. Both of them didn’t work out and kids ended up living with the mothers in both cases and fathers saw them a couple of evenings a week and every other weekend. In both families the kids didn’t like it and were very unsettled.

I wouldn’t have liked 50/50 with my sons dad, thankfully he lives with me full time.

Have heard in some cases it works out great though, think it is really down to how the kids feel about it and how the parents deal with the situation.

I don't think pp meant cuckooing

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckooing

I know one family that do 50/50. It seems to work really well - I think in large part due to the fact the parents’ houses are only a couple of streets away from one another.

But I think the majority of fathers don’t really want 50/50 anyway.

You seem to assume both parents want 50:50 which is not always the case.
Also that both parents can be trusted with the care of a small child. Equally not always the case.
Finally, that by the age of 12, dcs want 50:50.

Courts give 50/50 as they really don't care about the children at all. My grandson hates going to his dads but my daughter has to pull him off her every time to hand him over. Father's income is double hers but he buys absolutely nothing for him. He doesn't want him he just doesn't want her to have him. You can't tell court that he doesn't want to go as they treat you like your making him say it. He's three and been going between the houses for two years and still hates it.