To ask when YOU would agree to 50/50 residence of children, and why?

[Littlegreenfrogcake]

I completely believe that children should have an equal and solid relationship with BOTH parents, no question about that. But what does that look like for separated families with young children, too young to have a say in what happens?

What is your experience or thoughts on 50 50 shared care?

If you could add links to research pr further reading, I'd gladly accept.

Any of you with experience of a baby moving between parents would also be welcomed.

I think it depends entirely on the people involved, parents and children.

When I split with my ex I was at uni and my ex had DD every weekend as a roughly 70/30 split. I didn't need weekends as such because I didn't have a 9-5 Monday to Friday schedule.
However when our lives changed and DS went to school we went for every other weekend and a night during the week (which ex declined to take).
Now DS doesn't see ex at all and I can categorically say that 50/50 wouldn't have worked with us.

However I also know of one family where the parents were friends for a long time (more than a decade) who drunkenly slept together and ended up pregnant. The man then came out as gay but was struggling due to the time and the views of the small village in which they lived. They both wanted the child but had no interest in a relationship with the other (according to both the whole encounter was a never to be repeated experience). Time goes by and the child was born and they did family days and shared custody etc. Eventually the house next door (a semi detached property) went up for sale and the dad bought it (they lived in a small village and not many properties went on the market) with agreement from the mum. The child had a room at both homes and would come and go as they please, there would be family dinners, days in the garden etc. Christmas morning was always together as one would nip next door. New partners of the mum found it hard to cope with, understandably, however both mum and dad eventually found someone else and they still live in the same houses. I believe it only worked because there were never romantic feelings involved ever. They were genuinely great friends who loved each other platonically and the only cross over came from a drunken night where one party seriously struggled with their sexuality.
That is an example of 50/50 done well but I realise it is an extremely unusual and exceptional circumstance. I appreciate it sounds made up but even I was I'm disbelief when I hears about it (the child in question was a friend of my own ex's sibling (not DS's dad)).

I would like to add that, in the above situation, had the dad not moved next door he would have been a 5 minute walk away maximum provided he stayed in the village.

My kids dad didn't want even EOW and is pretty much a deadbeat. I wouldn't be keen on 50 50 with a small child. I think EOW is fairer to NRP with extra as negotiated. Also depends on if parents can be civil. Eg if a parent has left for someone else then how do they expect it to be friendly. People should end things in a more grown up kind way.

My friend had an alleged 50/50. The Father had the child around 20% of the time. Of course it meant he didn’t pay maintenance as it was supposed to be 50/50. I didn’t meet my friend till her child was 14 and it had been going on for about 7 years.

If they were an engaged parent and emotionally aware enough to coparent then 7ish. Before that I think children ideally need one main home.

I don’t have the research to hand as it’s all on my work computer, but generally 50/50 only works in particular circumstances. Both parents local to each other, obviously. Good co-parenting relationship with consistency of approach and civil if not friendly communication. Children old enough to have established attachment relationships.

IMO, nesting is an ideal scenario if parents can make it work.

Honestly, thanks to each of you who responded. He has this way of making me doubt my own reality, but I genuinely believe they need a solid home base with regular frequent contact with NRP. I've offered dinners throughout week, contact in my home etc but he wants 5050 at his home, end of. He essentially babysits them as no extra curricular classes, haircuts, appointments etc are done despite me asking him if he can do them. My life would be much less stressful and easier (I work 4 days) if he did have them 5050 but it's just not something I think is good right now. Different when older but youngest is only just turning one.

Thanks again.

The blanket statements about 50/50 being selfish are not helpful.

There are so many variables that there is no correct answer (age, proximity, temperament of child/ren, how amicable things are, how engaged each parent is etc etc). But as long as parents are doing what they can to minimise the negative impact on their kids of the separation, then that's the best outcome. How that looks to you and looks to me is different.

And you're right OP, this will evolve as the kids grow and their needs evolve. Perhaps start a parenting plan, and agree how things will be for now, but write in how or when this gets reviewed periodically. The way, he can see that you have the intention, all going well, for 50/50 but maybe that's not the right split for now etc.

I don’t know anyone this has worked out well for

The ex suggested it at one point I rejected it just as well as a few years later he went off abroad

It’s too unsettling and ds was often unsettled when he spent a bit more time with his dad. And of course I pick up the pieces

We do 50/50
It works great for us (obviously I miss them when they aren’t here) but they are very happy and settled.

Kids are 10 and 12
We Live 5 min walk from each other
Ex and myself text/ring regularly to share info
Everyone gets on well
Both houses equal amount of stuff. Equivalent range of toys/Tech stuff
We both attend parents eve/take control of after school clubs /Partys on our days etc
So nothings missed out on
Xmas day alternates each year
We both swap days for holidays etc…
Always facilitate other parent if they need to change days

All above sounds business like. It’s actually way more friendly than that 😆

Also meant to say we share ‘Life admin” if that makes sense. And go half’s on after school clubs. I buy uniform coats shoes as I receive CB

50/50 my brother and his ex wife do it - both my brother and his ex wife have remarried and each of those have two boys each so the dynamic is very unsettled a week at one with two boys a week with another two boys at mums house - really crazy and it doesn’t work. Each new partner is divorced and has exes they don’t get on with - brothers children don’t get attention for either parent that’s suitable.

Yet I know one couple who split up large 4 bed house and the house behind a two bedroom cottage came up they pooled resources and bought it together. Husband moved in and they cut a gate in the fence and kids come and go very amicable and they often eat together etc if one is working the other parents - they have a family app for time and it works like clockwork - neither has a new partner though

Ex insisted on 50:50, I managed to get it down to nights a week, and it's been murder getting DC to go when younger and v unsettled when back. DC finding it easier as getting older, but at the same time ex h is losing interest. With hindisght I'd have been less bothered about not starting aggro with ex by "disobeying" him and followed my gut and backed DC more.

@Hapoydayz

I don't think 50 50 is fair on children and they should have one main home. 50 50 is for the parents and not thinking what is in the child's best interests

Such an offensive and sweeping comment to make.

@loopyapp

We use the nesting method. The children have their home and with the use of a smaller rented property we satellite around them.

That sounds like a great idea!

I am just in the process of separating and I will avoid 50/50 at all costs. Right now, that's because the children are small so I think it would be super disruptive, and I don't trust their dad to do a good job of it. I have offered pretty much unlimited visits etc and he has gone through phases of seeing them loads and phases of very little (depending on his social life).

But to be honest, from a selfish point of view I don't see myself really wanting or being happy with 50/50 at any point. I get that they should have a relationship with their dad and I'm working on that (though surely HE should be the one working on that?!) but selfishly, I don't want them to be away from me consistently. I want to come home to them every day, spend time with them at weekends, enjoy them. I don't want to miss out.

I know this is selfish, but it's the truth.

My step children live with us 50:50. I think it's absolutely shit for them to be honest. Especially because the days change from week to week with their parents shifts so there is no structure to it either. It's horrible. They hate it. I know they hate it. But there's nothing I can do because their parents don't seem to care.

@SunshinePiggy it's understandable. What I will say though is that you need a break, so no matter what level of contactc you agree, you'll need it in order to rest up and feel restored and ready for them. And it's okay to need a break, parenting is relentless at the best of times, but you're also single handedly maintaining a household, working, trying to do things for yourself.

I guess I'm saying, don't be alarmed if you find you're not always loving it. It's not selfish to need some time to yourself.

Thanks @getbehindme. I'm very lucky in that I have a full time live-in nanny (we live abroad, obvs couldn't afford this in the UK!) who has been with us for years and makes managing at home SO much easier. I can't imagine doing it alone and I'm in awe of the single parents who manage everything, all the time, with no help. I've seen my sister do this for years (plus a decade of court nonsense) and I honestly think it would break me.

Can I live with you?

We essentially have a 50/50 split. In reality it’s more like 60/40 in my favour. There’s been times when my daughter hasn’t been happy, but we’ve worked through it.

To be honest it’s allowed me to have a career. I’d be a lot worse off financially otherwise.

Agree with the sentiment that it has to be about shared parenting rather than just where the children are located.

My DD has a lovely step-Mum and a half-sister now and she needs to spend time developing those relationships too.

@loopyapp

We use the nesting method. The children have their home and with the use of a smaller rented property we satellite around them.

I really like this idea and it's very child focused. They arent at all disrupted only the parents are and they get to be in their own home and beds all the time. Love it. Takes a big commitment and a lot of maturity from the parents properly co parenting and being willing to share spaces but imo that's really what parents should do in best interests of the child. Well done.

@getbehindme - not sure if that message was aimed at me but YES, I'd love the company

We also have year-round sunshine and great food. Come on over...!