To ask when YOU would agree to 50/50 residence of children, and why?

[Littlegreenfrogcake]

I completely believe that children should have an equal and solid relationship with BOTH parents, no question about that. But what does that look like for separated families with young children, too young to have a say in what happens?

What is your experience or thoughts on 50 50 shared care?

If you could add links to research pr further reading, I'd gladly accept.

Any of you with experience of a baby moving between parents would also be welcomed.

I split up from my ex husband when DS was 10 months old. I would not have agreed to 50/50 at that age, I was a SAHM and the primary caregiver and no way would it have been in DS's best interests to be away from me half the time.

DS is 8 now, I would consider 50/50 if my ex husband asked but he doesn't want 50/50. I don't know many men who do in all honesty.

@muchalover

Courts give 50/50 as they really don't care about the children at all. My grandson hates going to his dads but my daughter has to pull him off her every time to hand him over. Father's income is double hers but he buys absolutely nothing for him. He doesn't want him he just doesn't want her to have him. You can't tell court that he doesn't want to go as they treat you like your making him say it. He's three and been going between the houses for two years and still hates it.

Poor child

I do 50/50 and have done for years from a very young age. Why shouldn't a child spend half its time with its father?

@LeSquigh

I do 50/50 and have done for years from a very young age. Why shouldn't a child spend half its time with its father?

Some children don't want to. I had divorced parents and would have hated being with my dad half the time. It's about what's best for the child, not the parents. 50/50 works fine in some cases, not in all.

50-50 for a baby is just plain wrong. They need secure attachment with a primary parent. This can change as the baby grows older though.
For older kids I think it really depends on what the situation was like when the parents were together. If parenting was 50-50 then, I have no issue with it continuing when the parents separate.

If it was not then I see it as a way to control and hurt the primary caregiver and avoid paying maintenance also while giving no thought to what is in the best interests of the kids by making them spend 50 percent of their time with someone doesn’t have the same ability to care for them (through choice - wouldn’t do it in the past). In my experience these situations are never a true 50-50 anyway as the parent who was previously the primary caregiver still does the clothes shopping, appointments, clubs etc.

I think the courts starting point should be what happened when the family lived together and this should only be changed if there is a very good reason to do so and the primary caregiver is happy to do so.

@RedCandyApple

Probably not a baby as I breastfeed, but I would have happily had 50/50 now they are older but ex would rather not see them at all so 🤷‍♀️

Quite. This is the situation I'm in, 50-50 is how I would have started but he doesn't want any contact at all

Youngest DC were 6 when we separated so it's been 8 years of 50/50 and the DC appear to be fine.
They have their own rooms and clothes/stuff in each house plus we only live 5 mins drive from each other so they can still hang around with the same friends.
It took a few months for them to get used to it but on the whole it's worked well.
The occasional forgotten item/homework but as we live close it's easy to solve.

I am however aware this set up does not work for every family.

My DC's are 50/50

They were 5 and 6 when Exdh and I spilt , both now teenagers .

It's worked great for us but only because:

• we live walking distance from each other
• we have a friendly relationship
• he isn't a knob if I need a hand and visa versa
• no money in the form of maintenance has ever changed hands from either party
• we go halves on all dinner money,uniforms, trips etc ,each buy whatever we want for the DC's and allow them to freely move it around both homes.

-both happy to do extra if the other parents isn't available.

• exdh did more of the childcare when we were married as the nature of my job meant I wasn't always home for school runs/weekends so I had/have no issues with trust or motives for him wanting 50/50

-we both accept the other may have a different parenting approach and leave them to it but on the big stuff , we are still very much an united front.

It has/does work for us but we've never had it any differently to compare , its plain sailing now but the early years were difficult , it required lots and lots tongue biting and compromising but it settled down quickly . I don't know anyone else in real life that is has worked for , I think we just got lucky and it helps that kids have taken to it .as they get older they go wherever is the most advantageous for them so the timetable is less rigid now , it usually boils down to who is doing the nicest dinner

For an (ex) couple I know with 50/50 the child would actually be better off with the dad as the primary carer but the mum couldn't cope with the views of society if that were to happen so they do 50/50 nights although dad is the one who takes care of the practical stuff like transport, vaccinations and dentist etc.

The child seems to be coping with it all okay though and this may mean sparing them any social scorn/pity that may occur if the mum was less involved.

We do 50:50 too, parented like that when we're together as well, due to work. Now it's the same, but two houses. They can have whatever they want in each house, back and forth and all have their own rooms in both.

I worry they don't like it, or won't feel settled, or won't feel like they have a 'home' but two temporary places. They say it's fine though. We live in the same village, they walk to school regardless of which house they are at and they can all see friends.

Our work means it would be very problematic to do it any other way right now. It is a worry to me admittedly. I hope it works out ok,

i only know one family with full 50/50 custody.

Its not working as the mother is an emotionally abusive Narc and a bully, and their young teenage daughter hates going back to moms house.. its heading towards dads going to end up seeking full residency of her now she's old enough to be allowed a say.

I think it is depends on so many factors and the child and the houses and their relationships?
I loved both parents equally but I think I would have preferred to have my main home with my mum and see if dad maybe two nights a week? Not necessarily sleeping over either m

Interesting to read all the replies, thank you. I agree with the majority that particularly the baby needs a secure home base, with regular contact with other parent. I had him visiting regularly to my home but had to stop when she hit around 5 months due to his behaviour, the way he spoke to Me and treated my home

Dad doesn't parent as I would agree with eg sits them on screens for hours and takes them nowhere other than his mums which I think can cloud my judgement. Junk food and takeaways. Bought the 6yo a phone without discussion etc. Didn't take our son to his sport on his weekends, I've had to change all extra curricular to my time. Won't take him to appointments, haircuts, anything at all. Didn't do any home schooling in lockdown at all, no homework, no reading with him.

The baby is 1 next week. She's recently built up contact with him to an overnight a week. I really do believe they should have a good relationship as they're not in any harm. It's only been 6 weeks and she doesn't sleep well there, is very clingy on return. I only know anything about her time there from what the 6yo tells Me. Radio silence otherwise. Its tough. 6yo spends 5/14 nights there and is happy with that. He likes going to dad's who very much treats him as a mate. No boundaries, bed times. What 6yo wouldn't.

Split was during pregnancy with her, so 18 months ago. Not amicable at all. He holds resentment deeply and it obstructs every single thing. He is not flexible, accommodating or willing to put them first. He is bitter and manipulative.

I've taken lots of the comments on board. Much of you i agree with. He just starts with it every week. He gaslit and manipulated me for years so the outside perspective has been really useful thank you. I'll hold to my beliefs for now during infancy.

@loopyapp

We use the nesting method. The children have their home and with the use of a smaller rented property we satellite around them.

This IMO would be best. The child is not unsettled in its living arrangements and get the well needed time with both parents. As a previous poster has said the adults needs are secondary so the6 should move around the child.

I know someone who has 50/50 where they bought two identical houses in adjoining streets. So they are walking distance but not on top of each other.

We do 50-50 and it’s a recent thing. My children are 6 and 3 (just). It is hard and probably only works for the following reasons:

We live close together
We are amicable
They have clothes, toys etc and the same routine at both houses
We have set days of the week rather than week on / week off and they are always in the same house for at least three nights running (so not moving night to night)

The Christmas period has been unsettling for them because we have spent quite a bit of time together as a family and I think it might have confused them. My oldest gets upset when she knows it is time to leave her Dads (as that is where we lived together and I think she views it more as ‘home’) and my youngest has started saying ‘I don’t like you mummy’ when she comes back to me and takes a while to warm up (apparently she is the same with her dad when she goes back to him). Makes me very sad.

Never thought he would want 50-50 when we agreed to separate (I think maintenance was the driver) but he put forward a logical proposal that works and couldn’t really argue against it.

There are advantages though - I have more time for them when I am with them because I do all the chores, admin, shopping, work longer hours etc when they aren’t with me. Our time together is cuddles and fun.

Who knows how it will pan out in the long term though. It does worry me.

And I understand the advantages of nesting but it wouldn’t have worked for us. I don’t see how it could be a long term arrangement because it doesn’t offer a clean break. Our house together wasn’t big enough for separate bedrooms and our lives would have been too intertwined. I’d always be living amongst his things and vice versa.

@ColdShouldersWarmTummy OMG I totally meant nesting 🤣🤣

From 11 months we've had an almost 50/50 arrangement and she has been fine. I think assuming that it will be an issue isn't fair, it's entirely dependent on the child. Some will thrive and some won't. Ours have. If it hadn't been working, then I would have reconsidered. Assuming it'll be an issue for your child I don't think is fair.

Nesting has worked long term for us for several reasons:

We do NOT share a space. We both rent a home each but the children live and remain in the bigger one. We have a sofa bed in the play room of the main home where he sleeps when he's with the children and I take the small room at the smaller property when I'm there. We have our own storage for clothed (2 or 3 days worth) toiletries and food. We do NOT breach each others private rooms within the residences.

This works because we are both sane, healthy amicable people. In relationships featuring abuse or violence obviously this would be impossible.

It has been hard going trying to establish new relationships. Folk assume we are somehow still more involved than we aught to be but we stand fast that the kids security and stability come first.

I have been lucky enough to meet someone who is truly on board and has embraced this lifestyle happily and we are currently working our rhythm and how this system can include a third person.

I was 50/50 from age 4. My parents lived 10 minutes walk from each other with my schools in the middle. I had the same childcare and they communicated very well, very amicable. I was allowed to take things from one house to the other and visit/change days as I liked.

And still I would never agree to 50/50 care. I think its hugely unsettling and a horrible way to grow up. I can't imagine any child would thrive in this situation more than they would in a main residence situation. Its cruel and selfish of parents to do this.

50/50 for the majority is for the parents sake. It's not in the best interests of the kids. Kids need a main home and the stability that comes with it.

How would adults like to keep moving backwards and forth?

I'm grateful this wasn't really a thing when Ex and I were going through family court 17/18 years ago. I personally don't think it's beneficial to the child, and whilst it can work (I've known a couple of different families where it's worked), I don't like the idea of a child not having a main home.

It wouldn't have worked for us anyway as we have always lived a distance apart. When Ex walked out I moved back to my parents for support - 30 miles away, and over the years we've moved further apart from each other. Ex now lives 2 hours away.

Having said that, I do wish Ex would have seen more of DS - he was a strictly EOW parent, no extras during holidays etc. DS now 18 and they have a pretty limited relationship

When my ex left me we had a toddler and I was four weeks away from giving birth. He initially made noises about having 50/50 care. I very firmly put my foot down on that because I believed that children should have one 'home base'. This was mostly because they were so tiny and the baby especially when it was born would need consistency in sleeping plus I was breastfeeding etc. Even if I weren't, bottle fed babies also need consistency in who they're fed by and really should only have a couple of people feeding them at most due to the way they hold the bottle, recognising full cues etc. I also said that access would never be denied if he wanted to come and do bath time or put them to bed or something but we should come up with an arrangement where he would definitely have them and work out the rest.

He never deviated from 'his' time, has never asked for extra and didn't see them at all for the last year. I would go for 50/50 now purely out of selfish reasons: I'm exhausted and in desperate need of both a break and time to tidy my house and reassemble some sort of social life!

He's just started up contact again. So far he's behaving. Remains to be seen if he wants 'extra' time but we're 7 years down the line now. Kids are more able to be flexible. I still don't 50/50 is right the way I'm thinking of it (eg one week at mums, one week at dads) because it would be a nightmare for uniform, stuff left at one house that's needed at the other or one Monday for school or whatever, but certainly I could see a greater percentage shared out if we were to split holidays more in his favour. But then why should I just get all the term time grunt work and my kids not get to have any of the fun times with me?

When they're teenagers I expect them to decide for themselves tbh. Our maintenance agreement is a private one, made as part of the terms of our divorce and not dependent on how much time is spent at each parents house though. It would need to be more formalised if it were through CMS.