To still be upset about my Mum’s comments two weeks later?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’ve posted before about my somewhat fragile relationship with my mum, but even though this happened a few weeks ago it’s really stayed with me, and I’m not really sure how to deal with it.

I gave birth to my second baby boy about a month ago - I already had DS1 who turned 2 just over a before that. It was a very quick labour- DS2 came out in a hurry and was born in triage in the middle of the night with no pain relief whatsoever, I had a 2nd degree tear requiring stitches, then we were turfed out and back home less than 8 hours later- so I was already feeling a bit chewed up and spat out on top of all the other physical and emotional things a new mum feels.

My PILs came and picked DS1 up when I was in labour and he stayed with them another 2 nights afterwards so DH and I could get settled with DS2 and try and rest and get our breath back a bit. When I sent my Mum a message telling her we were back home from the hospital, she asked if DS1 had seen the baby yet and whether my PILs would be there- I said they’d taken him back to theirs, and she asked if DH was going to get him. I told her he was staying with them til the next day (which was a lie as he was staying with them two days, but I didn’t have it in me to deal with her jealousy that it was them looking after DS1 and not her) and she responded with “Oh no 🥺I wanted him to be home today. I can still remember getting home after staying at my aunts for a week, and thinking ‘that’s what they were doing, buying a new baby 🥺😢 xxxx”

Honestly reading that message felt like a punch in the stomach. I just replied “Thanks Mum!” to which she answered “OfGs!!!”. I then spent the next hour in tears feeling like the worst mum in the world for sending DS1 away while I gave birth, and worrying that he was going to think we’d replaced him.

Fast forward two weeks and we’ve gone to my Aunt’s on Boxing Day, where my Mum also was for Christmas. When we arrived she was still upstairs getting dressed etc (this is at half 1 in the afternoon) so I took the baby up to her so that she could meet him while everyone else was fussing over DS1.

In less than 5 minutes she made the comment “you’ve still got a bit of a tummy, then!” and rubbed my stomach - I’d given birth two fucking weeks earlier! As it is I was already back in my size 8-10 clothes but yes my little wobbly tum hadn’t quite disappeared. I glossed over it and didn’t really say anything.

A little while later I took DS1 up to her- he’s been (understandably) quite clingy so I was holding him while we were talking, and she remarked on how heavy he’s getting and said “is that why you’re keeping this?” and rubbed my tummy again… I made some quip about it being a shelf for him to sit on and changed the subject.

Later on, we’re all doing the present opening thing- my aunt and uncle have given me and DH a popcorn machine. I showed it to my mum and she said “oh no, now you’ll never get rid of this!” and yet again gave my tummy a rub. I was quite pissed off by this point and asked if anyone else heard what she said, and she got all defensive in an oh for gods sake/don’t be so sensitive/you know I don’t mean it/I’m only joking sort of way (I’m paraphrasing, but it was words to that effect).

The irony here is that she has been overweight/occasionally obese my entire life and has developed type 2 diabetes (which she largely ignores) so she’s not exactly physical perfection herself, and it felt like she was almost gleeful that she was able to point out my flaws.

On top of this, she kept making comments about how sorry she feels for DS1, now that we have another baby and he doesn’t have us all to himself anymore, and how heartbroken she was when her parents had her little sister.

I usually try and brush this type of thing off as she has form for spouting crap that makes me feel like shit, but I just keep dwelling on it this time. I’ve been weighing myself more than usual and getting down about the mess my body is in, I keep crying over how guilty I feel that we’ve turned DS1’s world upside down (DS2 hasn’t been the easiest baby) and I keep hearing her shitty comments in my head. It was 2 weeks ago now so there’s no point talking to her about it.

She sounds self-centred and unkind. I’d go low contact if my Mum behaved like this. She should be more supportive of you.

Don’t even bother raising this with her, it’ll give her the satisfaction of knowing it upset you.
Just focus on your family now, and ensuring your DS is feeling included and happy, which I’m sure he already is. Just stay away from her and her horrible comments.

Wow. You don't really think ybu do you??

Your mum sounds awful.

Her comments are not about you though, she's projecting - massively. Her own insecurities and jealousies, she's trying to shore up her own confidence and place in the world. Shame she can't do it without tearing you down!

Of course her comments have stuck with you, you're post partum and sleep deprived, a mum of two. On top of that, they were bitchy comments from your mum and those stick to us like glue.

She's being a cow.

Chuck the scales away! I'm currently trying to shift lockdown pounds to get back to your size, and there's nothing wrong with a little bit of a tummy - especially post partum! You know all this. Don't give her headroom.

Also, DS1 is fine and completely loved. Just because your mother felt one way...Makes me angry just thinking about that comment she made to you. You've done right by both your children and ds1 is not going to grow up feeling rejected.

Please be kind to yourself. Talk to your oh, get rid of the scales, and go lc with your mum for a while

YANBU My grandma said something very similar about my tummy, "have you got another one in there?" It was a few years ago and it still hurts me to think about it. We have a strained relationship as she either doesn't think before speaking or is actually just being mean. Your DS1 will be absolutely fine, your mum is projecting her experience on to you. IMHO you sound lovely and did the right thing having a few days to settle in first. Be kind to yourself and try to focus more on those that can offer kind words and support. Enjoy your children, I hope DS2 becomes a little easier soon. Remember, her comments say a lot about her, and her issues and nothing about you.

She is vile. This is all jealousy. Don't let her ruin this for you. You need to have low contact and a few retorts to hand. Repeating out loud what she said was a good one. Are you an only child?

I think this is like little dog syndrome, keeps barking and you need to bark back

Personal appearance comments if negative are rude, to continue to make them is unkind

If she’s says your being sensitive- stock reply

I find the negative comments about my appearance unkind

If she tries to deflect with there not unkind, there not negative

Don’t argue

Repeat the stock reply I find the negative comments unkind

Say it calmly and firmly

Any comment you object to

I dislike your negative comments and it would be great if you could find something positive to say

Keep saying it like a broken record

Eventually she will get the message

But don’t under any circumstances get dragged into justifying your position, stay calm and repeat the phrase.

Yanbu I'm 2 months after having a baby , I don't fit in any of my old clothes and if someone mentioned my tummy I'd be very upset . You need to call her out on it, I'd keep telling her rude and unfunny she is. You say she's obese , then I'd mention that too. I'd tell her I'll loose it when she does first. She sounds like a proper bitter old cow and I'd tell her that too but I'm tired and cranky and take no shit at the moment 🤣

I still dwell on shit my mum spouted 25/30 years ago!
She never would think that the comments she made would affect me & stay with me. I always think at least I know I will never speak to my DC like that.

Your mum is motivated by jealousy. It’s obviously something that has affected her her whole life. She was jealous of her new baby sister, and now she’s jealous of you. Wonderful things are happening in your life (a presumably loving partner, already one wonderful son, and now a beautiful new baby - congratulations!) and she’s finding it unbearable. Jealousy makes people behave like complete dicks.

You’ve given birth so very recently, and of course you are in a whirlwind of emotion, exhaustion and hormones. Your mum’s cruel comments are hitting home and affecting you because you’re so extremely vulnerable at the moment. Take a moment to remember this: your mum is WRONG. Just because she was jealous of her sister’s arrival, it doesn’t mean your DS will feel the same about the new baby. He is not her. His experience of the baby’s arrival can be one of excitement and love. Of course you did the right thing by sending him to his grandparents when baby arrived. It’s absolutely standard practice. Don’t let your mum put a moment’s doubt in your mind. It’s none of her bloody business anyway!

I’m sorry your mum has upset you. Everything she has said is about her own insecurities. Imagine wanting to spoil this precious time in someone’s life. Her jealousy obviously means she thinks you’re doing it right, and she can’t bear it.

YANBU, she sounds insane

It sounds as if the boundaries between the two of you are very skewed. My dd is 13. I would never rub her tummy and comment on her size. She has body autonomy despite being a child. I will affectionately rub her back or tap her hip etc but that’s about it. Your mother otoh is treating you as public property and her your superior. Time to assert your boundaries.

She doesn't sound like a very positive person. It hurts when important people in our lives can't or won't support us the way we would like, but sometimes that's just the way they are. If you don't want to go low-contact, I'd try to train myself to not give her comments any weight. You know she's wrong. You're a good mother, your older child knows you love him, and her "jokes" about your post-pregnancy body are strange and not amusing. She's either thoughtless or intentionally hurtful, but either way, she's wrong. It's easier said than done, but logically, there's no reason for you to take on anything she says.

Why do you try and brush it off/laugh it off?

So why not ‘please don’t comment on me like that. If nothing else you’re very overweight so should know how hurtful it is.’ I wouldn’t have been allowing her three times to make the same comment.

Other than that I’d cut down on contact with her. She sounds like a chore.

An alternative would be fighting fire with fire. Give her a taste of her own medicine?

‘I never got over my parents bringing my little sister home’

‘Yeah but mum that’s because in your case they did actually like her better, haha’.

‘Not got rid of your tummy yet?’

‘No, but nor have you and it’s 30 years later haha’.

Clearly none of these comments are actually funny but it might just be enough to shut her up?

I’m so sorry you have to put up with a mum like this. Go low contact and focus on your family and friends that care for you and also make you happy. I think sadly talking about it will only give her the reaction she wants and people like this don’t change. Reduce her impact on your life. Congratulations on your two lovely DCs.

Stop weighing yourself and enjoy/survive being a mother to a lovely baby. Your mum came out with a load of rubbish, maybe it's the arrival of a new baby making her emotional for some reason and she didn't mean it but she was ridiculous and you are not unreasonable. Saying that if you give it headspace you'll both end up in a worse place. Congratulations and enjoy!!!

I dunno…she sounds over familiar in the way mums often are. I think it’s ignorable stuff really….but you’re feeling sensitive and vulnerable because you’ve not long had a baby. Ask her not to mention your weight/tummy.

Your mum sounds very immature
On the baby front things will settle down and before you know it they'll be think as thieves and you'll be glad you went on to have a second

She seems like a naturally jealous and insecure person. Jealous of her baby sister, jealous of your in-laws etc, etc..
I would definitely go very low contact with her and the next time she makes a comment about your body, as others have said, ask her when she plans to loose her own baby weight?

( Guessing it won't go down well, this type can dish out but not receive it well at all hmm] )

Your ds will be absolutely fine and your tummy will go eventually. It takes 9 months to grow a baby so allow 9 months for your body to settle.
If you don’t feel able to raise the remarks with your dm then write down what you would like to say.
Read it out loud to a photograph of her then throw it away.

And I also find that flicking the v’s when my dm walks out of the room, so she doesn’t see it, makes me childishly feel a lot better. I’m in my 60’s btw and the last nasty comment was on the sort of masks I would need because I have sticky out ears so it hasn’t got any better!

No advice but this rings so many bells with how my mum is. If you call her out on anything she gets so defensive / "oh for goodness sake"-y and manages the twist it round so she's upset/ not in the wrong. My method of coping is keeping her at arm's length and not giving her too much, which in turn brings me immense guilt but it's how I protect myself. I feel sad though as it means I don't see my dad as much as I should.

You need to challenge these comments in the moment. Eg thats incredibly unkind and none of your business.

Remember mother or not some people are like seesaws in order to feel up they need to bring someone down. I would say she is feeling jealous of your life right now and is making these hurtful comments to make herself feel better. I would start distancing yourself if I was you. Congratulations BTW and be kind to yourself about your body and figure, you have just done an amazing job be proud of that tummy.

You had your baby a month ago.

Stop listening to your toxic jealous mother and enjoy your new baby and little boy.

It takes at least a year for your body to heal and start getting back to some semblance to normal. Stop weighing yourself.

Try and be calm and relax as much as possible. Distance yourself from your horrible mother. Surround yourself with people who make you happy.

Congratulations on your new baby. Don’t let your mothers bitter words ruin these first few months for you.

Well your mum is obviously a bit tactless/thinks before she speaks, but I doubt that's anything new. You're particularly sensitive to it right now after having a baby (understandably), but as you already recognise you either needed to call her out on her comments at the time, or let it go.

Re her comments about DS1 not being there when you brought DS2 home, I think this is a bit different. She has personal experience of being that first child and feeling unwanted, so felt sad for your DS1 possibly feeling the same way. I don't think she's completely unreasonable in that and whilst I understand your reasons for wanting a couple of days to settle at home without DS1 there, I personally wouldn't have done what you did by sending him away and then bringing him back once the baby was effectively in his place.