To still be upset about my Mum’s comments two weeks later?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’ve posted before about my somewhat fragile relationship with my mum, but even though this happened a few weeks ago it’s really stayed with me, and I’m not really sure how to deal with it.

I gave birth to my second baby boy about a month ago - I already had DS1 who turned 2 just over a before that. It was a very quick labour- DS2 came out in a hurry and was born in triage in the middle of the night with no pain relief whatsoever, I had a 2nd degree tear requiring stitches, then we were turfed out and back home less than 8 hours later- so I was already feeling a bit chewed up and spat out on top of all the other physical and emotional things a new mum feels.

My PILs came and picked DS1 up when I was in labour and he stayed with them another 2 nights afterwards so DH and I could get settled with DS2 and try and rest and get our breath back a bit. When I sent my Mum a message telling her we were back home from the hospital, she asked if DS1 had seen the baby yet and whether my PILs would be there- I said they’d taken him back to theirs, and she asked if DH was going to get him. I told her he was staying with them til the next day (which was a lie as he was staying with them two days, but I didn’t have it in me to deal with her jealousy that it was them looking after DS1 and not her) and she responded with “Oh no 🥺I wanted him to be home today. I can still remember getting home after staying at my aunts for a week, and thinking ‘that’s what they were doing, buying a new baby 🥺😢 xxxx”

Honestly reading that message felt like a punch in the stomach. I just replied “Thanks Mum!” to which she answered “OfGs!!!”. I then spent the next hour in tears feeling like the worst mum in the world for sending DS1 away while I gave birth, and worrying that he was going to think we’d replaced him.

Fast forward two weeks and we’ve gone to my Aunt’s on Boxing Day, where my Mum also was for Christmas. When we arrived she was still upstairs getting dressed etc (this is at half 1 in the afternoon) so I took the baby up to her so that she could meet him while everyone else was fussing over DS1.

In less than 5 minutes she made the comment “you’ve still got a bit of a tummy, then!” and rubbed my stomach - I’d given birth two fucking weeks earlier! As it is I was already back in my size 8-10 clothes but yes my little wobbly tum hadn’t quite disappeared. I glossed over it and didn’t really say anything.

A little while later I took DS1 up to her- he’s been (understandably) quite clingy so I was holding him while we were talking, and she remarked on how heavy he’s getting and said “is that why you’re keeping this?” and rubbed my tummy again… I made some quip about it being a shelf for him to sit on and changed the subject.

Later on, we’re all doing the present opening thing- my aunt and uncle have given me and DH a popcorn machine. I showed it to my mum and she said “oh no, now you’ll never get rid of this!” and yet again gave my tummy a rub. I was quite pissed off by this point and asked if anyone else heard what she said, and she got all defensive in an oh for gods sake/don’t be so sensitive/you know I don’t mean it/I’m only joking sort of way (I’m paraphrasing, but it was words to that effect).

The irony here is that she has been overweight/occasionally obese my entire life and has developed type 2 diabetes (which she largely ignores) so she’s not exactly physical perfection herself, and it felt like she was almost gleeful that she was able to point out my flaws.

On top of this, she kept making comments about how sorry she feels for DS1, now that we have another baby and he doesn’t have us all to himself anymore, and how heartbroken she was when her parents had her little sister.

I usually try and brush this type of thing off as she has form for spouting crap that makes me feel like shit, but I just keep dwelling on it this time. I’ve been weighing myself more than usual and getting down about the mess my body is in, I keep crying over how guilty I feel that we’ve turned DS1’s world upside down (DS2 hasn’t been the easiest baby) and I keep hearing her shitty comments in my head. It was 2 weeks ago now so there’s no point talking to her about it.

Your Mother is unconsciosly projecting her (unbearable) feelings onto you. None of this is to do with you at all. Nevertheless, it is hurtful & wearying for you. I agree that you reduce contact if poss, &/or calmly say that DS1 is fine & your body shape is not up for discussion either. You are doing well.

Any comments about somebody’s appearance except the compliment are rude and it doesn’t matter if they are coming from somebody related or not.

You’re oversensitive/I was only joking/It’s a banter are response of somebody who knows that their personal digs are unacceptable and completely out of order. These are the action of the person who will never admit that they are wrong and never apologise. They’ll turn it round on the recipient instead “oooh, look who’s getting upset”.

I would personally reiterate after every comment with “take a long hard look at yourself you supermodel” and explain that their comments are hurtful, unjustified and not on. If this wouldn’t work I’d limit the contact and tell them why.

Nothing worse than put downs from the family dressed up as concern. They stay in the head for a long time affecting our functioning and the way we perceive ourselves.

Was the sister whose birth ruined your mum's life also the one who was hosting her for Christmas when she said it? That's kind of hilarious when you think about it.

I think it's absolutely understandable that you would be upset that your mum's being horrible. It is not nice. But please don't let the actually things she's saying upset you. A sibling is the best best lifelong gift you could've given DS1. And as for the tummy? It barely seems worth talking about it being normal and fine because it's so birthday and fine.. Even if you never get rid of it it's absolutely nothing to do with her and ultimately it doesn't matter until you think it matters! You could spend a lot of time asking yourself where this comes from - jealousy, past experience, blah blah bit actually just concentrate on yourself. A baby and a toddler is hardcore and you need to look after yourself. I'm sorry your mum's not helping.

She's a twat. It's not you, it's her.
There's 100% nothing wrong with your post-partum tummy. There's nothing funny about it either. It's the most natural thing in the world, and remarking about it 3 fucking times is a sign of immature insecurity, lack of basic boundaries.
And you did the right thing for your DS1. He got to enjoy lots of positive attention from lovely relatives at a time when you and DH would have struggled to split your time between him and your newborn.

Time to go low contact, she sounds dreadful and jealous

Congrats on your new baby

Push her hand away from your belly every time she touches it.

Honestly, don’t let her see that she’s upsetting you. I dare say that’s what she wants. It’s pathetic and deserves to be ignored, with as blithe an unconcern as you can muster. Hard though that may be, I’m sure.

I’m reminded, though, of how I stopped myself saying to a dd that she was getting a bit of a tummy again, when her DC1 was barely 6 months old. Turned out a couple of weeks later that she was 14 weeks pregnant and had only just twigged!

First of all Congratulations on your new baby.

Agree with BobbiT up thread, your mother is massively projecting. But you need to call her out on it. Next time she rubs your tummy - do the same to her same to her and say 'still smaller than yours though'. Sounds like bad advice, but I genuinely believe that people who make cruel/hurtful comments like that need to experience it. And do the FGS you are so sensitive.

It's awful what she said about your son. Does she really remember her parents shopping for a new baby ....... You do need to fire back though, stand up for yourself. That would have been the perfect time to say 'And comments like that is why the baby to my MILs'. Don't let her undermine you. You are a great mum.

Do you have siblings yourself OP?

I’m one of many and we all used to fight constantly and there were lots of jealousy issues growing up (we all get on fine now though 😂)
However when I had my second child my mother would goad my otherwise happy and excited older child saying stuff like “babies are really smelly and boring aren’t they ? Wait til baby is older and wrecking all your stuff, mummy hated being a big sister didn’t you mummy?” (I did to be fair )
She’d also loudly lament how I didn’t love my poor neglected pets anymore now that I had a baby (she gave away our cat when her youngest was born ) that the pets used to be my heart and now they were unloved (which was ridiculous)
Then smirking at me and telling me I should have more kids etc and getting highly offended when I said I wasn’t having more

I think she basically wanted to make me feel like shit because she’s defensive/regretful about how things went for us, she is also a middle child and was resentful of her younger sibling too

So if you’re an only child maybe you having a second has brought feelings to light for her, or if you have siblings then maybe she didn’t handle things well either.
Her story about her aunt - is the aunt the golden child of the family , do they get on well?

Obviously none of this is your fault or your problem to fix - but sometimes when you can figure the why behind the horribleness it’s easier to remind yourself it’s not about you and it’s your mothers problem.

Congratulations OP

I gave birth 10 months ago , & my my mother has commented in the past " god you've put some weight on since birth"
It used to get to me but now I respond " your youngest child is 22. What's your excuse for been overweight?"

Fight fire with fire. They don't like it

Don’t raise it with her now there is no point

And don’t let it worry you, kids are resilient, involve ds1 when doing stuff for the baby if you can, enjoy them both

I would reduce contact for a while, and if she says anything again simply say I find your comments hurtful and unnecessary and please stop now and walk away

If she continues I would simply say i asked you to stop, I am leaving and won’t be coming back until you both apologise and agree to stop passing such nasty comments ( or ask her to leave if she is at yours)

A Mum is meant to have your back and be supportive especially when a daughter has just had a baby. Sadly your Mum is being extremely unkind and seems to enjoy putting you down when you are vulnerable.

I would put some distance between you and your Mum and concentrate on your lovely family of four. I would not waste any energy on why your Mum is being spiteful towards you. Maybe when your hormones have settled down you can deal with why your Mum delights in putting you down but don't let her spoil this time with your new baby.

My mother made these type of remarks, in a passive aggressive way ——the she’d look at anyone else present and laugh, say Suzanne never could take a joke ha ha.
It’s wearing and it’s horrible. I don’t know if it’s jealousy, suppressed anger —- I had to cut my parents off completely as their comments became more toxic, were said to others ( about me) and upset 2 older relatives I really cared about.
Congratulations on your new baby. I hope you’re feeling physically better now.

Yanbu . I have had similar from my mum, and some comments my mum has made has stuck with me months, even years later.

As others have said, your mum sounds insecure and jealous, and seems to be trying to darken what should be a nice time in your life because she is unhappy.

Re her references to when her sister arrived, she was either starved of attention from her own parents when her sister arrived (or maybe she is just a naturally jealous person) so has got a thing about it. Also, if you are a size 8/10 two weeks post birth and she has been overweight or obese, that speaks volumes about her weight comments to you. She is jealous of you, plain and simple.

Try to keep as low contact as possible, although that is hard. She will only gaslight you if you say anything. Sorry you have to put up with this . You are doing great, don't let your mum's jealousy get to you down too much or affect your enjoyment of your new baby.

Your children deserve a happy, healthy strong mum. You are absolutely unreasonable to put up with these constant comments and put downs if they make you miserable.

My mum also used to feel the need to comment on my body constantly. I just replied "that's really rude, don't comment on my body" the first time (and point blank refuse to ve drawn in to an argument about whether I am "too sensitive" or not. Just repeat "do not make comments about my body" a second time). If she did it again, we left DH, kids, time to go home because grandma can't behave herself today". She of course tried to whine, bad mouth me and otherwise make me look like the unreasonable one but I held strong, she therefore learnt how to behave and im st least 200% happier now I'm not being criticised all the time.

Yanbu about any of it. 8-10 is in good shape!
It's OK to comment once about older ones feeling jealous which is true, but not to keep going on about it to make you feel bad. It makes sense for the older one to be babysat while the mum is giving birth/recovering. Sounds like you are doing your best to give him attention. It's hard.

PS. My mum asked when my tummy would go down in the hospital car park after I had dd2

She needs therapy for her childhood, she's projecting on you and thats not fair. 9 months to gain the weight, at least 9 months to lose it 8s my motto.

You don't have the luxury of allowing negative people headspace any more. Tell her to get to fuck. No one has the right to be that horrible, rude and downright nasty. No one.

Congratulations on your new baby OP

Seriously OP it should be LAW that nobody makes comments like this to a new mum because you just cant cope with it with all the hormones running about everywhere.
You could probably just have brushed it off normally or at least ignored it but I know when you've just had a baby comments cut deep.
i remember my mum telling me during my menopause that I was too fat and too old for tattoos and pink hair and I went absolutely ballistic, normally I'd just have thought whatevs because she's been making comments like that all my life.
I'd just stay well away from her until you're feeling a bit more settled.

In anger I made a comment in retaliation about her having a ridiculously low IQ and she didn't talk to me again for months

Why do you put up with it? Seriously?

I don’t care who they are - if they don’t have my best interests at heart they aren’t in my life.

She’s nasty and poisonous.

A lot of your mums comments are insane. Your little boy probably had the time of his life at his grandparents where he was the centre of attention so you did the right thing in my book.

I had my second last year and had to leave my 2 year old. I went in on Sunday morning and didn't get out till Wednesday lunch time. My son was at nursery and we didn't get him till teatime so I could get three uninterrupted hours sleep which I hadn't had for days.

Yes I missed him but feeing human and better for him was the best idea for us or us

Thanks for the comments all- to answer a few q’s- I do have a brother who is just shy of 3 years older than me, he’s been NC with her for roughly a decade, I’m as LC as I can really get away with but can’t go NC altogether as she’ll have pretty much no-one left.

Was the sister whose birth ruined your mum's life also the one who was hosting her for Christmas when she said it?

Yep! My mum is the 3rd of 4 and yes the sister she was so heartbroken over as a child was also the sister whose house we were staying in at the time. My aunt was very much the golden child too, was the youngest by 6 years, married a high earner, lives in an enormous country house etc whereas my mum very much married a wrong ‘un and it went downhill from there (DB and me notwithstanding )- to be fair though even before that she has always been the odd one out among her siblings for reasons I’ll not go into.

The comments about your stomach are a bit of a 'gotcha' aren't they? Hey look at you, you're supposed to be the slim one, but now you have a tum.

Very much so- and when I was pregnant with DS1 she actually sent me a message telling me to “just put on baby, not fat!” Funnily enough my DGM was always very critical of my DM’s weight which used to really upset her…

Sounds like she’s behaving with you in the way that she would like to behave with her younger sister but knows she can’t get away with it.

@Natty13’s approach is spot on:

My mum also used to feel the need to comment on my body constantly. I just replied "that's really rude, don't comment on my body" the first time (and point blank refuse to ve drawn in to an argument about whether I am "too sensitive" or not. Just repeat "do not make comments about my body" a second time). If she did it again, we left DH, kids, time to go home because grandma can't behave herself today". She of course tried to whine, bad mouth me and otherwise make me look like the unreasonable one but I held strong, she therefore learnt how to behave and im st least 200% happier now I'm not being criticised all the time.