To still be upset about my Mum’s comments two weeks later?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’ve posted before about my somewhat fragile relationship with my mum, but even though this happened a few weeks ago it’s really stayed with me, and I’m not really sure how to deal with it.

I gave birth to my second baby boy about a month ago - I already had DS1 who turned 2 just over a before that. It was a very quick labour- DS2 came out in a hurry and was born in triage in the middle of the night with no pain relief whatsoever, I had a 2nd degree tear requiring stitches, then we were turfed out and back home less than 8 hours later- so I was already feeling a bit chewed up and spat out on top of all the other physical and emotional things a new mum feels.

My PILs came and picked DS1 up when I was in labour and he stayed with them another 2 nights afterwards so DH and I could get settled with DS2 and try and rest and get our breath back a bit. When I sent my Mum a message telling her we were back home from the hospital, she asked if DS1 had seen the baby yet and whether my PILs would be there- I said they’d taken him back to theirs, and she asked if DH was going to get him. I told her he was staying with them til the next day (which was a lie as he was staying with them two days, but I didn’t have it in me to deal with her jealousy that it was them looking after DS1 and not her) and she responded with “Oh no 🥺I wanted him to be home today. I can still remember getting home after staying at my aunts for a week, and thinking ‘that’s what they were doing, buying a new baby 🥺😢 xxxx”

Honestly reading that message felt like a punch in the stomach. I just replied “Thanks Mum!” to which she answered “OfGs!!!”. I then spent the next hour in tears feeling like the worst mum in the world for sending DS1 away while I gave birth, and worrying that he was going to think we’d replaced him.

Fast forward two weeks and we’ve gone to my Aunt’s on Boxing Day, where my Mum also was for Christmas. When we arrived she was still upstairs getting dressed etc (this is at half 1 in the afternoon) so I took the baby up to her so that she could meet him while everyone else was fussing over DS1.

In less than 5 minutes she made the comment “you’ve still got a bit of a tummy, then!” and rubbed my stomach - I’d given birth two fucking weeks earlier! As it is I was already back in my size 8-10 clothes but yes my little wobbly tum hadn’t quite disappeared. I glossed over it and didn’t really say anything.

A little while later I took DS1 up to her- he’s been (understandably) quite clingy so I was holding him while we were talking, and she remarked on how heavy he’s getting and said “is that why you’re keeping this?” and rubbed my tummy again… I made some quip about it being a shelf for him to sit on and changed the subject.

Later on, we’re all doing the present opening thing- my aunt and uncle have given me and DH a popcorn machine. I showed it to my mum and she said “oh no, now you’ll never get rid of this!” and yet again gave my tummy a rub. I was quite pissed off by this point and asked if anyone else heard what she said, and she got all defensive in an oh for gods sake/don’t be so sensitive/you know I don’t mean it/I’m only joking sort of way (I’m paraphrasing, but it was words to that effect).

The irony here is that she has been overweight/occasionally obese my entire life and has developed type 2 diabetes (which she largely ignores) so she’s not exactly physical perfection herself, and it felt like she was almost gleeful that she was able to point out my flaws.

On top of this, she kept making comments about how sorry she feels for DS1, now that we have another baby and he doesn’t have us all to himself anymore, and how heartbroken she was when her parents had her little sister.

I usually try and brush this type of thing off as she has form for spouting crap that makes me feel like shit, but I just keep dwelling on it this time. I’ve been weighing myself more than usual and getting down about the mess my body is in, I keep crying over how guilty I feel that we’ve turned DS1’s world upside down (DS2 hasn’t been the easiest baby) and I keep hearing her shitty comments in my head. It was 2 weeks ago now so there’s no point talking to her about it.

Treat her like a child whose made a nasty comment - say something like ‘wow that was mean, did you mean to be so hurtful?’.
When she tells you to not be so sensitive tell her you’ll stop being sensitive when she stops being bitchy.
Remind her that words stick with people and she won’t be able to take it back.

And then take it for what it is op. She is being a complete cow but it’s saying everything about her and nothing about you.

What a horrible load of comments.
My FIL also said, in a sad voice, when we were having Ds2 “this will be the biggest thing that ds1 has ever dealt with” and almost seemed gleeful in a “I told you so” way if he ever seemed jealous or difficult. Really pissed me off.
BUT, I also had my second when my first was 2 and now they’re 9 and 11 they are the closest little bros you could ever dream of. The love nothing more than sharing a room (even though they have their own rooms) and my oldest says “I’m so glad that I don’t even remember what life was like before ds2 came along”. They do argue sometimes but they adore each other.
When my second was a baby all I had to do was just put him in a bouncy chair and the older one would dance around and ds2 would just watch him grinning. His first word was “bruh-uh” while clearly looking at his brother and when ds2 was small ds1 would know what he was babbling about from tiny and would say “he wants a drink” or “hes had enough dinner” and youngest would grin like “yep, he’s got it!”

I'm much older than you and have become a master of dealing with my mother's put downs. What works for me is to laugh and turn things back on her; you've still got that tummy - "haha, well we can't all be physically perfect like you. How do youDC1 thinks you've replaced them "haha well that's his cross to bear, like 95% of children. I better start saving now for all the counselling he'll need". Just make her aware of how ridiculous she's being. Don't ignore it - it's not working and has just emboldened her.

My DD had a baby last year. She's the one complaining to me about her tummy and I'm the one reassuring her and telling her it's fine, normal and not to worry. That's the normal mum response. Your mother sound like a very bitter woman.

LTB
Honestly go low contact with the unsupportive cow

You need to grow a thicker skin where she is concerned, she's the one with the problem not you . With your baby and toddler you won't have much time now to socialise with her, if she starts these comments on the phone just cut in with " gotta go , baby needs feeding/ toddler needs me / postman at the door "
Mute her on WhatsApp and put her to the back of your mind

@JackTheHack

LTB Honestly go low contact with the unsupportive cow

Bit of an overreaction don’t you think?

Of course it’s not YOUR mother that you’re writing off. Easy done isn’t it?

Or would you really ‘go low contact’ over something so trivial that could be resolved with a simple, respectful conversation?
God help your loved ones if you would and do. Hard bloody work.

My mum does this kind of thing it drives me insane.

I go with distance and ignore.

YANBU. This is a point in your life where it is reasonable to expect a bit of support from your own mother. But she just can't help making it about her. And bringing you down. She sounds v immature and insecure.

I would reduce contact with her considerably. It is probably time to accept that she can't be the mum to you that you would like her to be. Once you reduce your expectations of her, you will be able to move forward.

You have your own lovely little family now. You have given ds1 the very best gift. Congratulations.

She's quite lucky she didn't have to duck as a popcorn maker flew across the room aimed at her head! 🍿

This isn't her being "cheeky". She's being spiteful.
I'd keep her at arms length for a little while. Short visits, pref while your DH is there to put her back in her cage support you.

Congratulations on your new baby. I feel sorry for your mum. It must be terrible to feel the need to be that nasty and mean-spirited about your own daughter. I have been where you are and have gone nc and lc with my mother over the years. However I've realised that she is actually just a really insecure person who can't let anyone enjoy anything nice. Lc and nc actually was more difficult that just accepting her for what she was and wasn't (the mum I wanted) Please don't waste this time giving energy to it. I would have been on air getting into my normal jeans after my second after two weeks and I was a similar size and had roughly the same age gap.

I think the advice given by IvyKaty44 is the way to go

"I find the negative comments about my appearance unkind"

Stock answers all the way.

I can’t offer much advice regarding your mum as I have cut mine out of my life as much as possible due to selfish behaviour and bitter, spiteful comments over the last 20 odd years but I just wanted to say with regards to your sons: I was almost 2 years old when my oldest brother was born. I don’t remember any of the time of him being a newborn or even a toddler and it definitely didn’t make me feel abandoned or unwanted or anything like that. I was almost 5 when my youngest brother was born. I remember the day he was born and quite a lot of him being a baby and it also didn’t make me feel anything negative, despite him being ill quite often so needing extra attention due to that. Once he started to sit up and start playing with us, we loved having a little brother and growing up, even being the only girl, I never wished that I didn’t have my younger brothers and felt sorry for friends that were only children even when I fought with my brothers. What I’m trying to say is that your oldest son will be fine. Yes, it will be a big adjustment for him, but it will likely be the best thing to ever happen to him, and when they are both a little older and expressing their affection for one another, it will be the best thing you ever see and you won’t regret it for a second 💕 don’t let your mother stop you from enjoying your beautiful babies. You have your own family now and if she doesn’t want to enjoy that and be happy for you, that’s on her

Putting your mother's unfunny /unwarranted comments out the way...

I think it was tight to send your son away, his dad should've been more than capable of stepping up whilst you and baby were recovering. Night away during labour is normal, not days after.

@Orphlids
Your post is spot on and expresses v clearly the dynamic that is going on here.
OP dont let her ruin this wonderful time in your life. Concentrate on your own family and in laws if they are supportive ( it sounds like they are ). You sound like a lovely mum and have nothing to feel guilty about at all. Congrats on your new baby.

Op I don't blame you at all for being upset and your mum sounds terribly unhappy and a fun sucker.

But I have put yabu because all advice is self advice. She's talking about herself.
. You need to separate how she makes you feel.
And don't be upset about it..

Go low contact. But I'd take a different approach when you do see her- just ignore her comments. Blank them. She's after getting a rise from you, don't give it. Walk away every time or change the subject.

Also, be careful she doesn't start dripping these comments to your eldest and using divide and conquer tactics between your DC. You need to protect them.

Neil Yy

And this is exactly what my Mil has tried to do as well, oh so x got v for Xmas and y only got q. Oh dear.

A steely glance and "Don't make comments about my body" is what i would do.

@EishetChayil

A steely glance and "Don't make comments about my body" is what i would do.

See I think this is good. It’s matching mum’s bold comments with an equally unabashed response. Tell it straight. Move on.

It’s not worth a rift. Seriously.

The bit about thinking her parents were buying a new baby is her projecting, but I'd take was coming from a place of concern. She remembers thinking that, is concerned her grandson may think the same way. I'd suspect it's very different because she clearly didn't know her mum was pregnant and I'd imagine you have talked about the baby in your tummy and him being a big brother. However children do think that way-how many stories have you heard about the older one asking if the baby can go away now, or (as my niece did) say "I'm not your baby any more".

The remarks about your tummy and going on about how sorry she feels for ds are mean. Ignore both. The only person I know who didn't still have a tummy a month after birth had bad morning sickness throughout pregnancy and that wasn't healthy for her or baby.

Were you an only child? If so, then maybe the birth of her sister effected her quite badly, and she's blaming you for her parents having a second iyswim, perhaps because she couldn't get upset with them at the time.
But not all children feel like that. I remember being very excited when my brother was born, and my oldest thought the new baby was almost a present for her (she wouldn't think that now!!)
And most children who are initially put out by the birth of the sibling very quickly get over it.

I'd ignore the tummy comments. If she is obese then it's just about her. If you are BF the weight will drop off 8-10 is slim and you know it.

If she does it again say that you'd thank her not to make personal comments. If she continues say "mum why do you think it's OK to make comments about my body? How would you feel if I did that to you? There's none of us perfect. Stop it."

About ds1 it's most likely he's going to love having a brother. Most parents of 1 child feel guilty about lack of siblings. You can't win!

Again tell your mum that she needs to stop going on about her bad relationship with her sibling. Lots of children are glad to be a big brother or sister. She doesn't need to pass on her neuroses to your son.

She sounds nasty.

Your tummy has not gone down to its normal size because your womb is still swollen after childbirth. If I recall correctly, it takes at least 6 weeks for this to happen and is helped by breastfeeding. I'd definitely go low contact with such an unsupportive mum .

I’d be smacking her hand away, I don’t do touching unless it’s my dh.

Call her out on the comments every time and ask her why she’s saying that. Add in ‘when you’re overweight yourself’ if feeling at the end of your tether. I so wouldn’t tolerate her nastiness.

I don't like to automatically presume jealously when one woman is mean to another, but it really is a common theme in your post.

She sounds like a jealous woman. Jealous of her own sister as a child, probably jealous of your PIL having DS1, jealous of your slim figure. The comments about your stomach are a bit of a 'gotcha' aren't they? Hey look at you, you're supposed to be the slim one, but now you have a tum. It's cruel but it's all about her and her insecurities.

Your stomach will keep on shrinking and even if it doesn't you can tell her to zip it, but she will always be a jealous woman. You need to understand it to be able to brush it off and see it for what it is. Why do you think she is like that?