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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH against me working

86 replies

PinkSo · 07/01/2022 19:37

I've been wfh for the last 3 years, like many of us.

However, before this I worked for my DH's business.

I've had two miscarriages in the last two years. I've worked for him throughout this time, obviously I've had time off and he's been fully supportive in regards to this.

I applied for a job today which means working outside of the home. He wasn't happy. He has heard of lots of "parties" in this industry and doesn't want me to be a part of that.

It's a professional and well sought after job. Am I going crazy? I said I wouldn't continue with my application, however, I want to.

OP posts:

unwicked · 07/01/2022 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

AhNowTed · 07/01/2022 20:59

@unwicked

so you applied for a job randomly without discussing your change in circumstances with the literal person you live with beforehand?

Sorry what?

He doesn't get to veto what jobs she applies for.

Morechocmorechoc · 07/01/2022 20:59

Maybe he isn't controlling. Maybe he just likes having you at home as he likes the company. Only you can tell the answer to that.

I'd tell him straight that you want a change and you don't want to work at home anymore and you will be applying for more jobs.

You have to keep going with the application but I understand his point. I'm home and it's lovely having my DH here with me since lockdown. I don't want that to change either and I'm not controlling. Some people like spending more time together.

MuthaHubbard · 07/01/2022 21:01

I've been police staff for 21yrs - we used to have some fab Xmas parties and someone would always get totally shitfaced and fall over/throw up/cry etc. Once a year. Not exactly debauchery central. This does sound like he's controlling and not taking into account your thoughts and feelings

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/01/2022 21:04

@unwicked

so you applied for a job randomly without discussing your change in circumstances with the literal person you live with beforehand?

And?

DH and I apply for jobs. As long as the money is vaguely similar, how does it affect him?

AhNowTed · 07/01/2022 21:04

@Morechocmorechoc

"Maybe he isn't controlling. Maybe he just likes having you at home as he likes the company."

Seriously, that is the definition of controlling. Manipulating your partner to suit yourself.

Maybe he does "like having her at home". That phrase is creepy in itself.

She however wants to work, to meet people, have a career.

Sandinmyknickers · 07/01/2022 21:08

I cannot imagine any relationship I've been in where if my partner said that to me I would not laugh in his face and ask him what the hell? Why are you even considering bowing down to his ridiculousness?

Walking4You · 07/01/2022 21:11

APPLY

He doesn’t get to tell you what job you should or shouldn’t do.
He gets even less the right to tell you want to do ‘because it’s an industry where there are parties and he doesn’t want you to be involved’

I mean , is he is saying he doesn’t trust you to misbehave of you go out in this wild parties?
Is he saying that the only ‘safe’ place for is at home (where he can keep an eye on you)?
Does he mean you’re not good enough for such a sought after job?

Please, please, apply for this job if this is a job you want to do.
This is your life and he doesn’t get to chose how you live it. He is making that sort if choices for himself, you get to do those for yourself.

Pegasussnail · 07/01/2022 21:12

Honestly go for the job ! It sounds perfect and just what you need (sorry to hear about your miscarriages)

user114653217696248626 · 07/01/2022 21:13

@unwicked

so you applied for a job randomly without discussing your change in circumstances with the literal person you live with beforehand?

What other kind of person might the op live with if not a literal person - a hypothetical person?

The rest of your comment is equally ridiculous.

Walking4You · 07/01/2022 21:14

@PinkSo

God, I sound like an idiot. No, he does most of the housework. I think he's got used to me being at home and feels weird about me being out of the house.

I want to get out, but I don't want to argue about it :(

You don’t need to argue about it.

You just do it and present it as a fact. There is no discussion to do around that.
If there is an argument after that, it will be because HE has started the argument. And I’d say you might want to look carefully at what motivates him there. Being used to you being at home is NOT a good enough reason to stop your partner to do a job that they clearly want to do (and are capable of doing!)

Butchyrestingface · 07/01/2022 21:17

Tell me you're married to an inadequate, controlling twat without telling me you're married to an inadequate controlling twat.

Fingers crossed you get that job, OP. And start saving.

Walking4You · 07/01/2022 21:19

@unwicked

so you applied for a job randomly without discussing your change in circumstances with the literal person you live with beforehand?

I think you are mistaken.

I might discuss that I’m planning to look for a job outside the house because it has implications for the dcs, possible wrap around care etc…
So I would probably say ‘I’m going to look for something else. I need a job a bit more exciting/challenging/earning more/whatever. If I’m working out if home, will you still be able to pick up the dcs or do we need to organise some after school club?’.
That’s it. The discussion is about the family organisation.

For the job itself? My job, my responsibility. The OP’s DH has no say in it and it’s up to her to decide what would work best for her.

WonderfulYou · 07/01/2022 21:19

Apparently he knows loads of people in the industry who cheat and engage in Debaucherous behaviour

Sorry OP but this is a very controlling thing to say.
He doesn’t want you leaving the house and having your own life. God forbid you might actually make some friends and have a laugh.

My friend is in a controlling relationship.
She has fallen out with nearly all of her friends and family because her partner says that they’re bad influences. It’s scary how someone can make you believe it.

Butchyrestingface · 07/01/2022 21:21

Maybe he just likes having you at home as he likes the company.

Assuming the new job will not entail drastic changes to the family finances or suchlike, the only thing he should like is that the OP gets the opportunity to pursue a job that is satisfying and fulfilling to her.

Dibbydoos · 07/01/2022 21:43

Interesting situ OP.

WFH def provides a more chill environment to work in than an office etc, but getting into a more social work environment is also really good for the soul as long as office politics are under control!

If the job is what you want go ahead. .your DH may not be controlling per se but he may develop separation anxiety.

Good luck

JaceLancs · 07/01/2022 21:49

Ex DP once persuaded me to not apply for a job under the guise of being concerned about my safety (not police or prison officer but similar environment)
I deeply regret not going for it and wonder where I would be now if I had
He is now an Ex and I eventually realised that even when supposedly worrying about me it was really the impact on him that was his main concern

Chloemol · 07/01/2022 21:50

Go for it. It’s your life

tricksyt · 07/01/2022 21:53

🚩

Morechocmorechoc · 07/01/2022 22:07

I still said she should go for the job and do what she wants for those that didn't read my reposnse properly.

You can like having someone at home because you love them and their company. It doesn't make you controlling. Wow I feel sorry for people who think it does.

AhNowTed · 07/01/2022 22:12

@Morechocmorechoc

I still said she should go for the job and do what she wants for those that didn't read my reposnse properly.

You can like having someone at home because you love them and their company. It doesn't make you controlling. Wow I feel sorry for people who think it does.

Yes it does.

You can "like" someone to be at home, sure, but only an arsehole would actively discourage you from applying for the job. Under the spurious guise of "parties".

billy1966 · 07/01/2022 23:18

@Viviennemary

What a controller. I'd leave. Feels weird about you going out of the house. That's a huge red flag.

Massive red flag that you would be a very silly woman to ignore.

You are very lucky you don't have children.

He is controlling and you will bitterly regret not taking notice and action whilst you have the chance.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

gamerchick · 07/01/2022 23:20

Wtf has it got to do with him what jobs your apply for?

2DogsOnMySofa · 08/01/2022 00:34

Apparently he knows loads of people in the industry who cheat and engage in Debaucherous behaviour

And by default of course you don't have the willpower or control to stop yourself from cheating or engaging in debaucherous behaviour tell him to grow up and go and sort your own career out. He's not the boss of you!

EllaVaNight · 08/01/2022 00:41

People who work in law enforcement do have a high percentage of abusing and controlling their partners. Maybe he's afraid you'll recognise his controlling behaviour?

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