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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH against me working

86 replies

PinkSo · 07/01/2022 19:37

I've been wfh for the last 3 years, like many of us.

However, before this I worked for my DH's business.

I've had two miscarriages in the last two years. I've worked for him throughout this time, obviously I've had time off and he's been fully supportive in regards to this.

I applied for a job today which means working outside of the home. He wasn't happy. He has heard of lots of "parties" in this industry and doesn't want me to be a part of that.

It's a professional and well sought after job. Am I going crazy? I said I wouldn't continue with my application, however, I want to.

OP posts:

Parker231 · 07/01/2022 19:55

Is he controlling when you decide to go out with your friends ?

BelindaBumcrack · 07/01/2022 19:56

So why is he assuming you would behave like them? Surely he knows you better than that? I would be totally offended if my other half assumed I would behave like other he people he had heard about.

Really fucking offended. How dare his ridiculous prejudice stop you from getting your dream job.

But honestly, I doubt very much he has heard this crap. He just doesn't want you to get a job. Whilst you work for him you are dependent on him. With this job, you aren't, you are financially independent.

Ask yourself why he doesn't want you to be financially independent. And then take the job and run like the wind!

Darbs76 · 07/01/2022 19:57

I’d tell him that you don’t prevent him from in his career and don’t expect him to prevent you. Totally out of order

DynamiteFilledRadish · 07/01/2022 19:57

Ditch the controlling husband and take the job. I say this all the time but we get one life. Do you want to reach 80 and look back at your life with a man who controlled you and think what a tragic waste?

BasketBlocks · 07/01/2022 19:59

No husband or partner should dictate who you work for or whether you work. Clearly you should discuss it but ultimately it should be your decision and your decision alone.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 07/01/2022 20:02

He’s a controlling, possessive arse.

AhNowTed · 07/01/2022 20:04

Wow, where to start.

OP you know this is not healthy.

A partner with your back would be encouraging you, not trying to guilt you and holding you back with "I'm only trying to protect you" absolute bullshit because it suits him to keep you at home. Under his watchful eye.

Go for it, please, I beg you.

Don't fall for this controlling nonsense.

NotTheGrinchAgain · 07/01/2022 20:06

I don't think you sound like an idiot at all.
And I'd not jump straight to the conclusion he is being abusive and controlling.

Have you tried just reassuring him and giving him a hug and tell him he is being silly and you can take care of yourself thank you very much!

Awful things do happen to women, perpetrated by awful men. It's not totally unreasonable for him to be worried you'll be regularly obliged to socialise with a gang of beered up blokes.

Unless you're an amoral wimp, it's unlikely you'll succumb to the "temptation" to shag some random fella from work, isnt it?

Just tell your DH he better make sure you're satisfied at home, then!

If I made that point my husband would shut up and give me his blessing.
No need to argue.

PleasantBirthday · 07/01/2022 20:07

You can't give in to this nonsense or god knows where you'll end up. You need to be able to leave the house and have an independent income.

Papyrus · 07/01/2022 20:09

He sounds controlling. If my partner told me he didn't want me to work in a certain industry in case I'd go to parties and cheat on him. I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship.

How does he react to you going on nights out without him? Surely you'd theoretically have just as much opportunity to cheat on him then?

AliasGrape · 07/01/2022 20:11

[quote PinkSo]@NotTheGrinchAgain it's a job within law enforcement. Apparently he knows loads of people in the industry who cheat and engage in Debaucherous behaviour[/quote]
I mean - my ex was a police officer and he cheated (with another police officer). When it came out and subsequently if it’s ever come up in conversation, so many people said to me ‘oh the police, they’re absolutely known for it’.

I’m not saying it’s true more of than any other profession, but I’m saying that somehow there is a perception out there that this is the case, and maybe that’s what your husband is picking up on.

Either way, it’s not ok for him to stop you from applying for something that you want to do. If he’s half decent the rest of the time you could try and have a conversation about what’s bothering him and reassure him, but do think very carefully about whether there are other indications of him being controlling, even under the guise of ‘just wanting what’s best for you’.

AhNowTed · 07/01/2022 20:13

@Parker231

Is he controlling when you decide to go out with your friends ?

Yes, I would assume the same.

OP does he try to control you in other ways.. subtlety prevents you going out, seeing your friends or family?

StoneofDestiny · 07/01/2022 20:16

Red flag.
Apply and live your life

Original poster

PinkSo · 07/01/2022 20:16

I don't really have any friends, but that's not his fault.

@DynamiteFilledRadish you are right, I want to live my live for MYSELF. And I feel I have totally lost that.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/01/2022 20:20

Apply. And tell him. And if he gets upset then have a think about whether you want to be in a controlling, claustrophobic relationship.

FangsForTheMemory · 07/01/2022 20:21

Please continue with your job application. If you don't, what will you do? Spend the rest of your life at home because he doesn't want you to have a life outside it?

BelindaBumcrack · 07/01/2022 20:22

Please take the job and leave OP. There is a much better and happier life out there for you.

My DH is absolutely lovely but I earn twice what he does. He doesn't care and doesn't police what I do and I don't police what he does. We don't cheat because we love and respect each other. Not because we threaten each other and stop each other socialising separately.

And to be honest I can't think of anything more likely than a man being abusive to a woman to put women off other men. He hasn't really thought this though has he?

PonyPatter44 · 07/01/2022 20:22

If I was given the opportunity to work for a job that held "debaucherous" parties, id be there like a shot 😀

My industry has a similar terrible reputation, and yes, there does seem to be a lot of bed-hopping among the younger staff. Its a normal reaction to working long shifts in a stressful job. But, if you're not that way inclined, you won't suddenly become that sort of person.

2pinkginsplease · 07/01/2022 20:25

If my dh said that to me I’d laugh and question if he trusted me.

I worked in bars and clubs for many years and the amount of guys who asked dh if he was happy with me working there or why he allowed me to work there, we both found it bizarre,

I’d say go for it., do something for you!

Coldilox · 07/01/2022 20:26

I’ve been in the police form15 years and never been to anything more exciting than the Christmas do. I’m missing out!

Viviennemary · 07/01/2022 20:29

What a controller. I'd leave. Feels weird about you going out of the house. That's a huge red flag.

Ellie56 · 07/01/2022 20:30

He doesn't get to decide what you do. If you want to apply for a job outside the home, go for it.

aquaz · 07/01/2022 20:35

Hi OP. He’s not necessarily abusive (though you will be told he is on here). Maybe he is worried about your safety in the job? I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Could he be worried that this ‘law enforcement’ would no be the best environment if you were to become pregnant again? The ‘parties’ thing might not be the actual issue, in other words.

AhNowTed · 07/01/2022 20:49

@PinkSo

I don't really have any friends, but that's not his fault.

@DynamiteFilledRadish you are right, I want to live my live for MYSELF. And I feel I have totally lost that.

So, you don't really have friends, and STILL he wants you stuck at home.

OP, come on. You know this isn't right.

Why do you think he wants you stuck in the house?

And believe me, if it wasn't a law enforcement job that's the problem, it would be something else.

Go for it!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2022 20:53

It is really, really alarming that he wants to control you like this, and even more alarming that you would allow him to.

Apply for the job, ffs. Your husband is being an arsehole.

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