To ask what effect attachment parenting has on adults

[Pinklilly123]

I’m asking this to any of you who were parented this way by your own parents OR those who used this style as a parent and have an adult child. It’s obviously difficult to be sure that everyone who uses attachment parenting was parented this way EXACTLY all the time but if you were parented within this parenting ‘bracket’ roughly what’s your experience as an adult.

Asking out of interest really. I’ve unintentionally used various parenting styles with my children and the results vary but only one is nearly an adult so can’t say how parenting styles have affected them all growing up yet really.

I understand that parenting styles aren’t the only factor that determine how a child develops but they are a massive contributing factor aren’t they?

Bump

I have no idea, I definitely wasn't attachment parented! Bumping again as it's interesting ...

I was “see how it goes” parented I think!

Closer to attachment parenting than to “she who must not be named on MN”, although my Mum certainly believed in bed times.

I don’t know. I think the flip side is if you get a resentful attachment parent, as I think it then has the opposite results than you intended!

Can you define what you mean by attachment parenting?

Presumably that means different things at different ages.

Wasn’t it popular in the 70s? So presumably there are lots of adults around.

I might bend that way myself but oldest dc only 16 so not an adult yet.

I’m not sure what the parameters are really. My mum was pretty indulgent and I slept in her bed until I was about 10. I was breastfed until I was 2 (don’t remember it). I always felt very listened to at home. I’m still very close to my mum (and dad actually).

In terms of me/ my personality, i’m successful in my career, have a good marriage and I love being a mother (positives). On the flip side I have low self esteem, very low. I was bullied for years and I’ve always been very ugly though so that’s to blame rather than my upbringing. I think if things hadn’t been so secure at home I might have killed myself in my teens, I really thought about it.

I co slept with my mum until I was like, 8 years old. Then suddenly it was like a switch flipped and I insisted on having my own bed - but there wasn't even a bedroom for me so we had to move flat! Now my relationship with my mum is amicable and warm but we aren't close. We don't see eye to eye on everything but we live and let live; she lives in a different country (I moved to the UK as a young adult). She recently came for an extended visit and rented a flat near out house and helped look after my dd, babysat for us etc.

One thing I will say: we are very open if we have something we need to say, eg if I have a problem with her babysitting, or if she's said something to offend me, I'll just say it right out and we clear the air. Not like my DH's family who all hint about things and get resentful etc

Now that I'm a mum - I can't seem to get my toddler to settle in her cot so she's in the bed with us! Is history repeating itself who knows. And I find myself doing other things my mum did eg I just let my dd wander in and out of the bathroom if I'm showering or even having a poo. But I mean, she's still a toddler.

I would say my parents were fairly attachment parent types in terms of always being available, attentive to my needs etc. We had consistent boundaries, mutual respect and a lot of love.

As an adult I’m happy, successful and secure. Probably was a bit over-confident / sure of how wonderful I was in my earlier years! I certainly have a good and effective template for healthy relationships which has been invaluable.

BUT I think a lot of parenting has to respond to individuals.

I’m not so sure that - as long as children are loved, safe, secure and treated with consistency (including clear boundaries) - the exact ‘style’ of parenting makes all that much difference.

My dc have such different personalities and have done since birth. They’ve needed different parenting at different points to respond to their personalities.

What is attachment parenting? I hear it on here but in real life everyone is just parenting in a similar way. Styles is not really a thing. Of course there are the extreme cases of neglect but most parents are in it to win it and I have never seen a parent stick solely to one of these 'styles'.

People like to call it attachment parenting or whatever else but I don't see why to be honest.
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I would say my parents were fairly attachment parent types in terms of always being available, attentive to my needs etc. We had consistent boundaries, mutual respect and a lot of love.- to me this us normal parenting its not attachment anything. If you are not showing your child love and attention whole also setting rules and boundaries then your setting both you and your child up for failure.

Sorry this was supposed to be in bold and was a quote of @TreeLawney post

I would say my parents were fairly attachment parent types in terms of always being available, attentive to my needs etc. We had consistent boundaries, mutual respect and a lot of love.

What was attachment parenting in the 80s?
I was BFed, had a sahm until I was 8, mum was very loving, affectionate and caring, supportive, patient, only smacked on the bottom, maybe, twice, we didn't co sleep, but I remember her helping me to sleep, she had a sling and baby carrier etc

She refused HVs etc when we were young. She's what now would be called a "crusty mum" on MN

She's still fab! We have a really good relationship, I see her regularly, but we don't talk regularly, just message once or twice a week perhaps, she's not at all interfering or overbearing, I don't think she's ever criticised my life choices, job, husband, kids etc
Once she ticked me off when I was rude to DH in front of her, likewise she sticks up for me when I'm moaning to her about DH or kids.

I love her very much, I would tell her nearly anything. I trust her with my kids above all other three grandparents. She's lovely!

@Fridafever i just wanted to say i am sure you are most definitely NOT ugly and that i am so so sorry you went through feeling suicidal in your teens. I am so so glad you are still here and enjoying being a mother now. You sound a beautiful person really loving and strong x

Interesting question. I think Dparents raised me and Dsis in a loose ‘attachment’ style in the 70’s (not bf though) I doubt they knew it had a name.

I think we are both well balanced, cheerful people- we both have a fairly healthy ego and no real teen issues. Close to parent now (Ddad has died) but I feel like I don’t parent like they did - Dsis is more similar. I’m much stricter than DM and like boundaries for children and slightly pushier - they loved to discuss everything with us and it was tedious sometimes. I was still a very nervous child though so maybe that’s just personality?
Like previous poster, we will chat freely if someone has an issue/annoying us. No beating around the bush!

I would say my mum raised me with the general concepts of attachment style parenting.

How do you mean affects you? How do you know determine what it is that affected you?

Honestly I don't think I had a fantastic childhood/early 20s. Low self esteem, struggled to make friends, very shy and anxious. I would say my mum was like a professional mum and was desperate to do everything right and wholesome (definitely a crusty mum), I felt like she'd read a lot of parenting books which I found quite restrictive and stifling. She also struggled with me growing up and to be honest I feel like if she could breastfeed me and cosleep with me now as an adult she would, I think she really struggled with letting that stage go.

But its impossible to say what was associated with what. And my mum is lovely really, all my friends thought she was a great mum!

I did it with my youngest two. One is super confident and can seem a bit hard, the other is a worrier and needs lots of support. So that proves just about nothing.

All parenting is attachment parenting - infants are hardwired to form attachments to caregivers. Whatever wankery sits behind whatever parenting style, the child will be forming an attachment and developing an attachment style that will inform their relationships into adulthood. Babies attach to their parents.

In some ways, attachment parenting for me has been marred, due to the negative association to some (in)famous people who publicly advocated and virtually preached it. The people I know who keep ramming it down my throat, seem not quite genuine and it reeks of performance parenting. I remember even on MN how some people found it super hypocritical of Peaches Geldorf to lecture people on parenting, while at the same time injecting smack, keeping drugs, syringes and paraphernalia in the house, while parenting two small babies. Not to mention her youngest spending something like 17 hours 'attached' next to her body.

That said, I suppose I personally adopted a mixture of parenting styles but did tend to make my DC sleep in their own rooms from when they were toddlers. My DM worked from when I was young and I feel it helped me to be more independent to not be with her non-stop.

All parenting is attachment parenting - infants are hardwired to form attachments to caregivers.

True but the term refers specifically to physical closeness between mother and baby: practices such as baby wearing, long term breastfeeding, Co sleeping and a mother who responds to all the baby's wishes, doesn't go to work etc
Bottle feeding, putting baby in own room at 6 months, using a pram, putting baby in nursery at 1 year, sleep training, following routines would be the opposite.
IMO both styles can be fine. Most people probably do bits of both.

@Jellycatspyjamas

All parenting is attachment parenting - infants are hardwired to form attachments to caregivers. Whatever wankery sits behind whatever parenting style, the child will be forming an attachment and developing an attachment style that will inform their relationships into adulthood. Babies attach to their parents.

Agree. And forming a secure attachment has nothing to do with co-sleeping. You might co-sleep and have a securely attached child but those two things are not cause and effect. DD will be 21 this year, she is at Uni and very independent. I always put her needs first as a baby and small child, and for DD those needs included her own cot from quite early on. She still loves her sleep and her own space.

Attunement IMHO is a more useful concept - where the caregiver is attentive to the child’s needs and responds to them whilst at the same time nudging and supporting towards self soothing and self assured independence.

“Engulfing” care giving is as much an issue as ambivalence.

Encouraging and supporting DC to follow their own direction whilst being accountable, respectful and responsible to themselves and others - seems like a way to go.

I don’t have a definition of attachment parenting - if it means growing emotionally secure and independent DCs all well and good - if the focus is on the sole physical experience it sounds restrictive and “cookie cutter”

True but the term refers specifically to physical closeness between mother and baby: practices such as baby wearing, long term breastfeeding, Co sleeping and a mother who responds to all the baby's wishes, doesn't go to work etc
Bottle feeding, putting baby in own room at 6 months, using a pram, putting baby in nursery at 1 year, sleep training, following routines would be the opposite.

I know what the wankery behind the phrase is, but none of those things in an of themselves promote attachment.

Attachment is about attuned caregiving, responding to your child’s needs, providing emotional containment and developing emotional regulation. Parents do that in all kinds of ways.

I don’t think they called it attachment parenting but my mum read Dr Spock (I think that was his name), bf both of us, and I regularly slept with her (my poor old dad had to go to my bed!) when I was scared. I have a averagely successful life now but had lots of issues (anorexia, uni drop outs etc) and my brother is deeply troubled. It think this is due to nature predominately rather than nurture but I think it’s not a recipe for successful children by itself. Having said that I’m very close to my mum as an adult so in that respect it was good.

@SnackSizeRaisin

All parenting is attachment parenting - infants are hardwired to form attachments to caregivers.

True but the term refers specifically to physical closeness between mother and baby: practices such as baby wearing, long term breastfeeding, Co sleeping and a mother who responds to all the baby's wishes, doesn't go to work etc
Bottle feeding, putting baby in own room at 6 months, using a pram, putting baby in nursery at 1 year, sleep training, following routines would be the opposite.
IMO both styles can be fine. Most people probably do bits of both.

I can’t help OP but I’ve just realised that we do an odd mix in our house.

Co-sleep, lots of baby wearing and breastfeeding but I went back to work at 6 months so DS is in full time nursery.

I like to think the contrast is complementary

In my experience the friends of mine who attachment parented their kids now have 20 year olds and late teens and quite a few are anxious children. However, quite a lot of the parents are anxious so perhaps they would have been no matter what. A few of them who coslept and balked at CCing where so absolutely knackered after a few years of babies and toddlers that they moaned constantly in earshot of their kids.