To ask what effect attachment parenting has on adults

[Pinklilly123]

I’m asking this to any of you who were parented this way by your own parents OR those who used this style as a parent and have an adult child. It’s obviously difficult to be sure that everyone who uses attachment parenting was parented this way EXACTLY all the time but if you were parented within this parenting ‘bracket’ roughly what’s your experience as an adult.

Asking out of interest really. I’ve unintentionally used various parenting styles with my children and the results vary but only one is nearly an adult so can’t say how parenting styles have affected them all growing up yet really.

I understand that parenting styles aren’t the only factor that determine how a child develops but they are a massive contributing factor aren’t they?

She is/was I guess if you don't know the name, a parenting "guru" who recommends a standardised approach to childcare, setting out the hours for feeds, naps and sleeps and is firm about how to put a baby down to sleep in their cot from the off. It is fixed on the oppositional side of the parenting continuum compared to ap.

What is a crusty mum, twice mentioned on this thread!

GF, She who must not be mentioned, well the short version is we were hyperbolising and one person said (shan't repeat it) it was v v funny but shocking too, GF took offence, there was Legal Action and a terrific lawyer (Mark?) and a settlement agreed but was a difficult time.

I’m not so sure that - as long as children are loved, safe, secure and treated with consistency (including clear boundaries) - the exact ‘style’ of parenting makes all that much difference

I agree with this. There are so many other factors. I was parented in an opposite ‘style’ - my mother had acute gastroenteritis when I was born, so she was in an isolation room and because I was a month early I was in an incubator on my own for quite some time. Once home, no co-sleeping, in a cot in my own room (on a different floor!) from the off, no breast feeding, left with my grandparents while she went on holiday when I was only a couple of months old. There were clear boundaries and routines. Children toed the line and rules were strict.

I grew up confident, independent, and also very close to my mum. I could talk to her about anything, and after I left home we would speak to each other on the phone most days. I miss her enormously.

I followed her example when I had my own dc. Routines and structure (Gina Ford!). No co sleeping, cots in their own rooms from early on. I did breast feed though! My dc are, like me, independent and confident.

How much of this is upbringing, how much is genes or other factors? Utterly impossible to unpick.

I'd say my Mum used attachment parenting. Breastfed on demand, allowed us to sleep in her bed, never smacked, very affectionate and available. Stay at home mum until we were in high school and then worked part time.

My siblings and I are quite different but we are all very independent. 2 of us live in a different city which is about a 4 hour plane flight from where we grew up. We have all completed university degrees and all are married, 2 with children of our own.

We all get on well with each other and with our parents. All of us call Mum to share good and bad news before we call each other. I think we all have pretty secure attachment styles and relationships. We have all ended up with partners who balance us quite well.

Gina Ford did Mumsnet a big favour. Before her legal action MN was a small site with not many users, the publicity was amazing for them. Now MN is massive and no one remembers GF!

I was brought up by Irish parents in the 80s who were themselves brought up by pretty tough mfers in the 50s. No attachment parenting for me I think my dad would have died at the suggestion of co-sleeping. Occasionally hugs was as flowery as it got. I'm an extremely tough cookie now but maybe I would have been like that either way!

Thing is you can't have a control. You could do different parenting styles within the same family (I guess, hard to in practice) but how do you know that if you parented another way what the result would be? You can't parent the same child twice.

@Fridafever

I’m not sure what the parameters are really. My mum was pretty indulgent and I slept in her bed until I was about 10. I was breastfed until I was 2 (don’t remember it). I always felt very listened to at home. I’m still very close to my mum (and dad actually).

In terms of me/ my personality, i’m successful in my career, have a good marriage and I love being a mother (positives). On the flip side I have low self esteem, very low. I was bullied for years and I’ve always been very ugly though so that’s to blame rather than my upbringing. I think if things hadn’t been so secure at home I might have killed myself in my teens, I really thought about it.

Gosh I’m so sorry to hear you have struggled with this but happy to know you had some close relationships at home so felt secure and loved. I guess that whilst attachment parenting can provide a lovely secure home and base for a child, there will always be bullies at school who can tear down self esteem. Bullies have a tendency to make their victims think they’re ugly even when they’re not and it can really stick with you for life. Beauty is skin deep and I know it cliche but what inside is so much more important

@Arren12

What is attachment parenting? I hear it on here but in real life everyone is just parenting in a similar way. Styles is not really a thing. Of course there are the extreme cases of neglect but most parents are in it to win it and I have never seen a parent stick solely to one of these 'styles'.

People like to call it attachment parenting or whatever else but I don't see why to be honest.
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I would say my parents were fairly attachment parent types in terms of always being available, attentive to my needs etc. We had consistent boundaries, mutual respect and a lot of love.- to me this us normal parenting its not attachment anything. If you are not showing your child love and attention whole also setting rules and boundaries then your setting both you and your child up for failure.

I would say attachment parenting (or at least my take on it), is keeping baby/toddler/child close. My firstborn is much older but my second born and subsequent dc were parented around this ‘style’ but my ds2 is approaching an age where he isn’t cosleeping and I can’t baby wear a 9 year old! I’m interested to see how attachment parenting continues into middle childhood because ultimately you have to allow children to grow into adults and the goal is to establish more and more independence as they grow. I breastfed all of mine for quite a while and cosleeping has been part of that. I think attachment parenting is also about calm parenting and being very understanding of the child’s emotions. But my understanding is that it’s keeping children close but within reason as they need to grow too.

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere

What was attachment parenting in the 80s? I was BFed, had a sahm until I was 8, mum was very loving, affectionate and caring, supportive, patient, only smacked on the bottom, maybe, twice, we didn't co sleep, but I remember her helping me to sleep, she had a sling and baby carrier etc

She refused HVs etc when we were young. She's what now would be called a "crusty mum" on MN

She's still fab! We have a really good relationship, I see her regularly, but we don't talk regularly, just message once or twice a week perhaps, she's not at all interfering or overbearing, I don't think she's ever criticised my life choices, job, husband, kids etc
Once she ticked me off when I was rude to DH in front of her, likewise she sticks up for me when I'm moaning to her about DH or kids.

I love her very much, I would tell her nearly anything. I trust her with my kids above all other three grandparents. She's lovely!

I love this

OP, what is your definition of attachment parenting?

Because nothing I've read on this thread is anything like attachment parenting.

Attachment parenting is specific and can be quite extreme.

"I would say my parents were fairly attachment parent types in terms of always being available, attentive to my needs etc. We had consistent boundaries, mutual respect and a lot of love."

The above is NOT attachment parenting. That's just normal, loving parenting.

People seem to have the wrong ideas!

My parents definitely didn't do attachment parenting with me; DM went back to work after 16 weeks of having me, and 12 weeks after my brother, we never co slept, and I went to a childminder from a v young age; but I had my parents utter devotion every minute they could give, they always committed to my firsts (my DF came home from work on my first day of work to tie my first ever school tie etc) and important moments, and as an adult, I can't think of two better people.

*school, obviously, he didn't come home to tie my tie on my first day of work....

My daughter is 13 and still sleeps in my bed a lot, largely as she’s been unwell but she was in my bed permanently until 10. I have a 17yr old too. I’m not sure what qualifies as attachment parenting but I never let them cry, don’t have any strict rules and I have 2 well adjusted kids. I’m fairly relaxed myself, their dad not so much but he’s soft when it comes to them, and adores them. I grew up in a household of arguing and I didn’t want my kids ever fearing coming home and despite their dad and I separating many years ago now we remain friends and a United front for them. Both don’t go out much so clearly enjoy being at home which is nice

@Thegiftthatkeepsongiving

Before I went on maternity leave a colleague told me to read up about attachment parenting, as she was a foster carer and had seen the impact of children who lack a secure attachment. She didn’t mean having to bedshare or baby wear to the extreme but more being responsive to the baby’s needs and being consistent and having clear boundaries.

I came across this useful video that explains the different types of attachments as a result of the type of parenting we experience in the early years: I definitely notice the difference with people who clearly are securely attached and when you ask about their childhood compared to myself and the inconsistencies with my parents growing up.

That was an interesting video Thankyou for sharing