To ask what effect attachment parenting has on adults

[Pinklilly123]

I’m asking this to any of you who were parented this way by your own parents OR those who used this style as a parent and have an adult child. It’s obviously difficult to be sure that everyone who uses attachment parenting was parented this way EXACTLY all the time but if you were parented within this parenting ‘bracket’ roughly what’s your experience as an adult.

Asking out of interest really. I’ve unintentionally used various parenting styles with my children and the results vary but only one is nearly an adult so can’t say how parenting styles have affected them all growing up yet really.

I understand that parenting styles aren’t the only factor that determine how a child develops but they are a massive contributing factor aren’t they?

@Jellycatspyjamas I don't think anyone has said attachment style parenting is the only way to form an attachment with your child. Or people won't form an attachment with their child if they don't follow that style. It's basically just a name for a theory/collection of parenting behaviours.

I was child number four after a few years gap, so my parenting style was “meh, she’ll be alright, she’ll just copy the boys. Remember to leave food out.”

I survived having big brothers who either punched me or punched other people who were nasty to me.

We were very rural so despite having possibly the opposite of attachment parents, we’re all successful and have families and have a very affectionate, sarcastic relationship and are all pretty good cricket bowlers.

I suspect there are successes and failures in equal measure, whatever ‘parenting style’ people had.

I didn't have time for that, I was a single parent and had to work full time from when he was 6 weeks old so a routine was best for us. But my DS was very sweet natured and slept a lot.
We slept in the same room but never in the same bed because I'm a very heavy sleeper and may well have crushed him in the night.
He's 40 now and we are very close, I live with him and DiL in a multi generational household.
DiL is the matriarch as I'm too soft.

Before I went on maternity leave a colleague told me to read up about attachment parenting, as she was a foster carer and had seen the impact of children who lack a secure attachment. She didn’t mean having to bedshare or baby wear to the extreme but more being responsive to the baby’s needs and being consistent and having clear boundaries.

I came across this useful video that explains the different types of attachments as a result of the type of parenting we experience in the early years: I definitely notice the difference with people who clearly are securely attached and when you ask about their childhood compared to myself and the inconsistencies with my parents growing up.

I have watched my friends children growing up who have had this type of parenting. It turned from attachment to helicopter parenting as they got older. Her children are highly anxious. Her 7 year old still can not be alone or sleep alone. It feels like despite the fact, she never stops believing in this approach, her children are unhappy. Children need to know that they are not always the centre of the universe.

I was breastfed, co-slept, got carried in a sling - but not all the time - I had a pram too. I had an extended family who lived close who looked after me when DM went to work. I think I was probably raised akin to attachment parenting style but without any great aim to endorse a particular strategic method.

What can I say? It's not like you get a sliding doors crystal ball and can see the differences in outcome. It doesn't insulate you from the trials and tribulations that life throws at people. But my default setting is happy and relaxed, I'm confident, I have good attachments with all my family. I don't feel like I need to put a great deal of effort into feeling content. And I chose to parent in broadly the same way. I'm hopelessly unambitious though and a terrible day dreamer, I could while entire days napping in a sunbeam given the chance. Nobody is perfect. There's no parenting style for that.

@jellymaker

I have watched my friends children growing up who have had this type of parenting. It turned from attachment to helicopter parenting as they got older. Her children are highly anxious. Her 7 year old still can not be alone or sleep alone. It feels like despite the fact, she never stops believing in this approach, her children are unhappy. Children need to know that they are not always the centre of the universe.

For all you know they might be more anxious if she'd done things differently. Despite what the Jesuits might say a 7 year old isn't the finished article.

I followed AP with all of my DC because I just found it easier. Only one out of five is an anxious child but she was basically born anxious, she was always a very serious baby and remains serious to this day. I don’t think it has anything to do with the fact I wore her in a carrier or co-slept because the others aren’t anxious at all, quite the opposite in fact. She’s just who she is, a bit of a worrier.

Want to also say that my Mum put me in my own room from birth and left me to cry. She bottle fed from the start because breastfeeding is ‘weird’ in her opinion and she put rusks in my bottle from 6 weeks to make me sleep through the night . I was also weaned at 3 months, she said that was the advice back then. I am a very anxious person and struggle with MH in general, also not particularly close to my family. Not sure whether there’s a link to my clearly traumatic early years being left to scream myself to sleep but there you go!

I think some people become accidental attachment parents because their baby and child runs more anxious from the outset and it's an effective solution to bring comfort and calm. So there can be some chicken-egg to the debate.

But I have no truck with not saying no to a child and offering the kind of boundaries that bring security. I'm sure some people who adopt ap and take it to extreme lengths could trip up an otherwise settled child.

I was born in the 70s, CS under GA and my mother didn’t see me for a day let alone do skin to skin. I was formula fed and in my own room from birth. We adored each other, she was the best mother I ever met, my friends and relatives adored her and, although I did some things differently, if I could be half the mother she was I’d be doing very well.

I think it’s hard to measure because attachment parenting comes in all shapes and sizes. You can breastfeed, babywear and co-sleep but still be relatively disengaged; equally you can do none of those things and still be a responsive, nurturing and emotionally attached parent. It’s not just about what you physically do, it’s how you engage with them on an emotional level that matters.

I was not attachment parented. I would say the opposite. Was never allowed in my parents bed, was in my own room from the start, cried it out etc. Very much was a child to be seen and not heard. Quite strict rules. I actually have a memory of crying for my mum through the night in the dark. Then when my mum had my youngest sister 5 years later she changed her tune. Very attachment parent style. Attached at the hip. Co sleeping. Gentle parenting etc.

What resulted is my sister is a happy, confident young woman, secure in her choices and close friends with my mum. They often go for dinner or drinks together and shopping or weekends away. My sister can hold a conversation with anyone.

I am an anxious mess, very self critical. I am desperate to please my mum and suffered horribly with depression and suicidal thoughts from 12 until I was 20. I suffer quite badly from anxiety still now at 33.

I am on paper more successful than my sister because I am constantly trying to prove myself so have a well paid job, nice house and kids. My sister works in a low paid bar job. But in my eyes she is the success.

Totally agree @Darkstar4855 - my parents didn’t do the AP stuff on paper but were loving, supportive and present and that was enough. It certainly cheered me up when my first birth didn’t go well… it doesn’t all depend on the first few days and weeks

I think my parents leaned towards attachment parenting - breastfeeding, lying with me to help me get to sleep, very child centred (although my mum worked full time for financial reasons from when I was 5).

I think I'm a fairly well balanced adult with good self esteem, good job, happily married, close to my parents etc.

I parent my DC in a fairly similar way but slightly stricter due to DH's influence.

You can't tell. Is it the style of parenting or the personality that favours one thing over another.

You can be "attachment parented" by uncaring parents and end up with problems.

You can be lovingly parented by parents with a traditional parenting style.

Healthy attachments depend more on how responsive and caring your parents were on reality rather than a parenting "style".

*in reality

@Swonderful

You can be "attachment parented" by uncaring parents and end up with problems.

You can be lovingly parented by parents with a traditional parenting style.

Healthy attachments depend more on how responsive and caring your parents were on reality rather than a parenting "style".

I honestly don't know how you can be attachment parented by uncaring parents. It's literally putting the child's needs before your own and taking their lead. Why would anyone do that if they didn't care? If I didn't care I'd stick my daughter in her own room and leave her to cry so I could enjoy some time to myself. Or I'd have put her on formula from the get go so I could have regular breaks, share night feeds, sleep in, go away on holiday with my partner, basically opt out whenever I feel like it. Btw nothing wrong with formula feeding but the fact is anyone can feed your baby, with breastfeeding it has ALL fallen to me. I was formula fed and my mum left me with friends, family etc so she could go off and not be tied to me.

Sorry but your comment makes no sense to me whatsoever. Please explain further what you mean because I'm genuinely interested.

@RedRobyn2021 - yes you can have attachment parenting by inadequate parents.

Some parents might be so engulfing, controlling and anxious that they are meeting their own emotional neediness rather than attuning to and responding to the specific emotional and spatial/physical needs of their unique child at any one time and facilitating the emotional growth of an individual.

exDP was attachment parented, family all slept in the same bed throughout childhood etc. Very successful and confident but had a bit of a breakdown when he had a reality hit moment in his late 20s - he kind of realised that the world didn't always work fairly and his needs/wants weren't always taken into consideration, and that really affected him - he left his career, personality changed...I think how he grew up had almost been too nice to the point he couldn't handle it when things weren't that way.

His younger sister is very successful, a bit scatty but was never judged for it the way other disorganised children often are, had anxieties and phobias until mid 20s and was very indulged in these until she went to therapy and they improved. Lives a very fun free life with a v successful non-traditional career in her 30s.

I think certain parents gravitate toward attachment parenting also so it's a case of correlation/causation.

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere

What was attachment parenting in the 80s? I was BFed, had a sahm until I was 8, mum was very loving, affectionate and caring, supportive, patient, only smacked on the bottom, maybe, twice, we didn't co sleep, but I remember her helping me to sleep, she had a sling and baby carrier etc

She refused HVs etc when we were young. She's what now would be called a "crusty mum" on MN

She's still fab! We have a really good relationship, I see her regularly, but we don't talk regularly, just message once or twice a week perhaps, she's not at all interfering or overbearing, I don't think she's ever criticised my life choices, job, husband, kids etc
Once she ticked me off when I was rude to DH in front of her, likewise she sticks up for me when I'm moaning to her about DH or kids.

I love her very much, I would tell her nearly anything. I trust her with my kids above all other three grandparents. She's lovely!

This is similar to my sister and I, grew up in the 80s/90s had a mum who stayed at home and says now that we were her main focus and wanted to make sure she was always there for us (dad worked away a lot). Interestingly this is one area we really disagree on as I don't have children yet but she's already said things along the lines of I don't know why you'd have children to put them in nursery, surely you'd reduce your hours at work etc etc

I am confident, resilient, adaptable and independent and have never struggled to make friends. So far done quite well professionally.

My younger sister though tends more towards anxiety (maybe because she had such a horrible older sister ) and doesn't have a large friendship group.

Mum definitely still has a lot of opinions about decisions we make though, I think because we were her focus for so long it's probably difficult to give that up.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I was “see how it goes” parented I think!

Closer to attachment parenting than to “she who must not be named on MN”, although my Mum certainly believed in bed times.

I don’t know. I think the flip side is if you get a resentful attachment parent, as I think it then has the opposite results than you intended!

Who is she who must not be named??

It's Gina Ford. Surely we can say the name now, or is it like invoking the candyman? MN and Gina Ford have history.

@FourTeaFallOut

It's Gina Ford. Surely we can say the name now, or is it like invoking the candyman? MN and Gina Ford have history.

Who is Gina Ford? I've seen her mentioned before