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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inheritance straight to GC, skipping childless DC

318 replies

Shuk · 06/01/2022 22:10

How would you feel if your parents left money to your nieces & nephews but not you or your siblings, and you don't have DC, but have possibly had more financial support as an adult than your siblings (though not as much as their dc will inherit)

YABU - no one is entitled to anything
YANBU - this isn't fair and likely to cause considerable upset

For context it's not my parents, and I have DC who would benefit. I think this is hugely unfair.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 09/01/2022 23:03

However, for an adoption to have taken place, it invariably means that the (other) bio parent plays no/very little part in the child's life and/or isn't on the scene at all.

Yes, but that isn't the case here. Her father is alive and she will inherit when he dies (albeit he's had four more kids, two of whom have died). Though he played no part in her childhood post age four, he claims he was forced to give her up.

My dad didn't do love so he won't have cared what his last wishes showed on that score.

But I am very glad he went first. Sorting out the fallout if mum had died first and then him and his will being like that (if mum went first she had left the same £x but between the three of us and residue to dad, fine. But his then said everything between me and brother, which is what would have happened if she'd died first) would have been hell.

ajandjjmum · 09/01/2022 23:07

Families can be so complicated. I think you've described it really well @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll - it's very little to do with the material benefit but everything to do with the significance of the gesture.

gogohm · 09/01/2022 23:17

My siblings don't have kids. My parents decided to split their estate 4 ways 1/4 each to my brothers and I then the final 1/4 between my DD's. My brothers were consulted and actually suggested a 5 way split but as my DD's are the beneficiaries of both their uncles wills I thought it was wrong

GattoFantastico · 10/01/2022 07:50

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll excellent post

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 10/01/2022 10:07

However, for an adoption to have taken place, it invariably means that the (other) bio parent plays no/very little part in the child's life and/or isn't on the scene at all.

Yes, but that isn't the case here. Her father is alive and she will inherit when he dies (albeit he's had four more kids, two of whom have died). Though he played no part in her childhood post age four, he claims he was forced to give her up.

How is that not exactly the case here, though? Whether his reason/justification is true or not, he did play no part in the majority of her childhood, hence she was adopted. You don't have to die in order for your child to be adopted - just not be able/willing/allowed to act normally in a parental role.

Some years ago, my DSis and I inherited a few thousand pounds from our late DM's Aunt - she had left the money (no idea if it was all or just a portion of her estate) to her nieces/nephews and thus we got the share that our DM would have received, had she still been alive.

We were very grateful to get the money - not a life-changing amount but really helpful indeed; but we never knew the Aunt (or even of her existence), and she never knew us (maybe she'd heard our names at one point after we were born, but that's all). I'm sure she was a lovely lady, but her life and ours never crossed paths.

Unlike the inheritances from our family members who were very much a part of our lives, receiving this money didn't confirm her love for us or give us a feeling of being honoured. Although the basic kind thought was obviously there (albeit for our DM and her cousins), to us, it was effectively like a win on premium bonds or something - money received out of the blue with no special context. It's a (pleasant) monetary transaction, nothing more.

VanGoghsDog · 10/01/2022 16:30

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

However, for an adoption to have taken place, it invariably means that the (other) bio parent plays no/very little part in the child's life and/or isn't on the scene at all.

Yes, but that isn't the case here. Her father is alive and she will inherit when he dies (albeit he's had four more kids, two of whom have died). Though he played no part in her childhood post age four, he claims he was forced to give her up.

How is that not exactly the case here, though? Whether his reason/justification is true or not, he did play no part in the majority of her childhood, hence she was adopted. You don't have to die in order for your child to be adopted - just not be able/willing/allowed to act normally in a parental role.

I never said anything about her dad dying, I know you don't have to die for your child to be adopted, I'm not an imbecile. And obviously I know my sister's father isn't dead.

She lived with him til she was four. I don't agree with your assessment that he played "little" role in her life. And clearly it's not the case that he isn't on the scene at all - I've met him (and her other siblings) myself several times.

I have friends with adopted kids, btw, and the bio parents do sometimes play a role in their kid's lives. So I'm not even sure your assertion is correct generally, but it's definitely not correct here.

I just think, regardless of what you think reading this very brief assessment of a life spanning over sixty years (my sister's age) that may have been part of my father's justification, which is what I was answering. That and the fact she always referred to him as her "step father" when technically he wasn't.

You can stop commenting on it now because you're being quite rude.

CateJW · 12/01/2022 12:08

I have a friend with the opposite issue, he lost his father and found out that his grandparents are leaving their inheritance to their remaining children...so he and his sibling, won't see anything of the share that would have been their dads, were he still alive (even though he does a lot for his grandparents) none of the children are struggling, but as pointed finances and things such as house purchases are much tougher for the grandchildrens generation.
Obviously people can do what they like with their money, but I think this is awful!!!

CateJW · 12/01/2022 12:21

@Partayyyyy

it's not your money itsnot up to anyone to decide, why dose everyone have to start moaning about money/assets who gets it who dosnt bla blabla sickening shit fucking suck it up respect the person's wishes who cares about money if u actually care about the person who it actually belongs to grow up get a life work more if money matters stop sponging and pretending it's on another's behalf and maybe teach them to work aswell !!moaning on about somebody else's savings for god sake get a life
For some it is about greed sure, but many in these situations, it feels like the person who left the will didn't value them as much, or see that they deserved as much. That's a crappy feeling to be left with when the person is dead and it can't be resolved.
LaChanticleer · 12/01/2022 12:44

@CateJW

I have a friend with the opposite issue, he lost his father and found out that his grandparents are leaving their inheritance to their remaining children...so he and his sibling, won't see anything of the share that would have been their dads, were he still alive (even though he does a lot for his grandparents) none of the children are struggling, but as pointed finances and things such as house purchases are much tougher for the grandchildrens generation. Obviously people can do what they like with their money, but I think this is awful!!!
Totally agree, @CateJW Not enough to have lost his father - presumably when he was quite young - but to have been written out of his father's family in that way ... I hope his aunts& uncles (father's siblings) did something to rectify that.
CateJW · 12/01/2022 12:53

It hasn't actually happened yet, so you could say, at least his grandmother has warned him it will happen!

LaChanticleer · 12/01/2022 12:55

That's almost worse. I'd be distancing myself from my grandmother if she told me that!

CateJW · 12/01/2022 13:25

I don't know the intricacies, but thinks its the grandfather's will that has been done to say that and the grandmother who told him... Though I didn't get the impression she wouldn't honour it if she survived her husband, so not sure that make it any better. He was definitely hurt. He lived with them after losing his dad and does a lot for them.

ajandjjmum · 12/01/2022 18:30

@CateJW Did he ask them why? I get that it's totally their decision, but I struggle to understand what the mental process could be that made anyone arrive at that (extremely cruel) decision.

FI0N · 12/01/2022 19:36

[quote ajandjjmum]@CateJW Did he ask them why? I get that it's totally their decision, but I struggle to understand what the mental process could be that made anyone arrive at that (extremely cruel) decision.[/quote]
I agree that it’s a very unfair decision. But no doubt someone will be along soon to defend it by saying that he’s NOT being treated unfairly because none of the other GC are getting anything.

That would be the same people who thinks it’s great that their family of 4 kids will get double the amount of their sibling’s family with two children . And of course nothing to these worthless siblings who didn’t reproduce Hmm .

ajandjjmum · 13/01/2022 07:41

Those people - on the whole - are just totally selfish. Saw it in our own family when DH's sister was happy to exploit a loophole in her parent's Will, which would have meant their sister being excluded, although both her and DH would receive more. This was totally contrary to her parents' stated wishes.

DH had to get lawyers involved to get the 'right' outcome, as she wouldn't see sense, nor behave honourably. She's lost her siblings - hope she feels it was worth it!

FI0N · 13/01/2022 09:43

@ajandjjmum - well done on your husband for doing the right thing and for standing up for his sister.

Sadly it seems from this thread that very few would have done the same - I’m appalled at the number who seem desperate to screw over their own siblings, while mouthing pointless platitudes:

“ It’s their money, they can leave it to whoever they like “.
“ Well technically it’s not unfair “.
“ It’s what they would have wanted “.
“ No one is entitled to anything “.

Greedy and selfish.

BlackberryandNettle · 13/01/2022 17:14

I'm not a great fan of this although I have heard of a few families doing it so it's not unusual. I think simply splitting the money equally between your children is fairest. I'm guessing the grandparents in question and all previous generations received an inheritance from their own parents

ajandjjmum · 13/01/2022 19:44

Not in our case @BlackberryandNettle - both mine and DH's family came from very much working class households. None of our parents inherited anything.

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