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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Death of nephew

53 replies

housinghero · 06/01/2022 10:39

My 37 year old nephew died this week from terminal brain cancer.
Ridiculously sad.
However I have a very complicated relationship with my half sister- his mother.
She is 14 years older than me. Due to my narcissistic father we had pretty much no relationship up until 4 years ago when my mother died. Over the years she has been very unpleasant to me . When mum died I realised what had happened with my father influence and we agreed to get along. I have found it difficult however.

The nephew that has just died I had a relationship when he was small -my mum used to look after him until he was about 4 but then they all moved to Scotland and since then have moved to other places in the UK. They all still live in a different part of the country.

I intend on going to the funeral.
However I just cant bring myself to ring my sister. I have messaged her and sent her flowers. But I just cant ring her.
I feel like there is nothing to say - I have refused to take her calls in the past as she is an alcoholic and generally only calls me when she is drunk.
I suffer with my mental health (mostly as a result of the emotional abuse from my Father) and generally find her very stressful and hard to deal with.
However (another result of my Father) I feel guilty- like I should be offering emotional support or something.
How can i do that when there isn't a relationship??

OP posts:
georgarina · 06/01/2022 10:43

Can you send flowers and a card instead?

girlmom21 · 06/01/2022 10:45

I think you've done enough if there's not a good relationship there. You've sent a sentiment but you're not in a position to emotionally support her.

ShowOfHands · 06/01/2022 10:46

You don't need to offer emotional support right now and I don't think it would be needed from you in the nicest possible way.

You've sent flowers for now and will attend the funeral. I've been at a funeral where two family members had a complicated relationship with a lot of distance and ill feeling (they were sisters too) and the funeral was actually quite healing and cathartic for both of them and they were able to connect in some small way.

Baby steps for now. You don't need to be or do anything if it feels wrong.

Annaghgloor · 06/01/2022 10:46

How can there be ‘nothing to say’ if her son has just died? You don’t need to like her, but surely it’s not too difficult to phone and tell her how sorry you are, if you feel you should and/or that she would be comforted to hear from you?

Justcallmebebes · 06/01/2022 10:47

I'm so sorry for your loss. In the circumstances, I don't think you need to. You've sent flowers and a message and I would leave it at that for now. She may reach out to you but if not, let things lie and attend the funeral, as planned.

Does she have support from other family members?

HarlanPepper · 06/01/2022 10:47

@georgarina

Can you send flowers and a card instead?
She has.

OP, I think if you had a difficult relationship already, then what you have already done to show your support is more than enough.

georgarina · 06/01/2022 10:47

*sorry saw that you did send flowers. Maybe a written card then if you don't want to call

Mrsjayy · 06/01/2022 10:48

You have sent flowers and messaged there isn't actually anything else to say to her that will do any good.

Comedycook · 06/01/2022 10:49

Honestly, I think you should call her. I understand the relationship is difficult and I'm not saying you need to call her regularly or offer unending emotional support...it doesn't sound like you have that kind of relationship anyway. But I think in a situation like this, you owe her one phonecall. Flowers

MessedOfTimes · 06/01/2022 10:52

Grief is complicated enough. Let yourself be his Aunty and he your nephew. The rest can be dealt with (whatever that means) at a later stage. I’m so sorry for this cruel roll of the dice. Sending you peaceful thoughts ♥️

JasmineGarden · 06/01/2022 10:56

I'm sorry to hear about your Nephew 💐

I think the flowers & message are enough for now.

Who will tell you the details of his funeral? Will she be OK with you going?

I'd probably send her more messages IF you think she'd want that, but I think not ringing is probably for the best.

Chely · 06/01/2022 10:58

Condolences to all.
Sounds like giving her emotional support would not be great for your own mental health. Don't feel guilty for prioritising yourself.

Suzanne999 · 06/01/2022 11:03

I’m sorry for the loss of your nephew.
You’ve sent a card and flowers and are attending the funeral —- you’ve done plenty. You can always speak with your sister at the funeral.
It can be a bit overwhelming when people try to do too much, you know it’s done with the very best of intentions but grieving is hard and I know I just needed to be alone a lot.

Polmuggle · 06/01/2022 11:05

@Comedycook

Honestly, I think you should call her. I understand the relationship is difficult and I'm not saying you need to call her regularly or offer unending emotional support...it doesn't sound like you have that kind of relationship anyway. But I think in a situation like this, you owe her one phonecall. Flowers
I disagree. If my child had died the last thing I'd want to be dealing with was a phone call from someone I don't get on with/have a complicated relationship with.

Send a card/letter of you want to say something.

AnotherSillawithanS · 06/01/2022 11:06

Her son has died......make the phone call op.

It's the kind thing to do.

FourTeaFallOut · 06/01/2022 11:07

It's a phone call. Just ring her. Acknowledge her loss and pain and then you get to put the phone down.

user1493494961 · 06/01/2022 11:09

I'm sorry for your loss but I feel this could be very identifying.

Sapphire387 · 06/01/2022 11:12

I'm so sorry for your loss. Brain cancer is a cruel thing- I lost my first DH to it.

I think you should do what 'feels' right to you. You have sent flowers and a card. You can always speak to her at the funeral if you cannot face phoning her.

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2022 11:13

Just pick up the phone

It'll probably make the funeral less awkward.

Porcupineintherough · 06/01/2022 11:15

@Annaghgloor

How can there be ‘nothing to say’ if her son has just died? You don’t need to like her, but surely it’s not too difficult to phone and tell her how sorry you are, if you feel you should and/or that she would be comforted to hear from you?
^^This.
TheGoldenWolfFleece · 06/01/2022 11:15

She may not want you at the funeral. You should phone her to see the lie of the land otherwise it might create bad feeling at the funeral when emotions will be running very high.

tealady · 06/01/2022 11:20

Maybe you could send a card and share a nice memory from his early childhood? Add a note that you don't want to intrude on her grief but you are there if she needs you...
That way she will feel your support but without any difficult phone call.

Andouillette · 06/01/2022 11:27

@tealady

Maybe you could send a card and share a nice memory from his early childhood? Add a note that you don't want to intrude on her grief but you are there if she needs you... That way she will feel your support but without any difficult phone call.
Yes, this. Or a really kind letter. A few memories of your nephew perhaps, and tell her that you are available if she needs you. An actual, physical letter is a way to give her something to hold onto after flowers have faded and messages have been swamped by others.
ApolloandDaphne · 06/01/2022 11:30

Actually I would say that you have done enough. When my DD died I did not want to take any calls as I just couldn't hear the same things over and over and I always felt like I was consoling others rather than them consoling me. I had a relative answer the phone for me and explain why I couldn't speak to them. Cards and notes were perfect as I could read them when I felt ready. Flowers I hated as we had so many they consumed our entire home. I still cannot smell lilies without being transported back to that time. However many people really like getting flowers following a death.

TansySorrel · 06/01/2022 11:34

Messaging rather than calling is fine. When dh died I spoke to people via WhatsApp. I would have found it stressful having to take loads of calls as I had enough to be dealing with