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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Death of nephew

53 replies

housinghero · 06/01/2022 10:39

My 37 year old nephew died this week from terminal brain cancer.
Ridiculously sad.
However I have a very complicated relationship with my half sister- his mother.
She is 14 years older than me. Due to my narcissistic father we had pretty much no relationship up until 4 years ago when my mother died. Over the years she has been very unpleasant to me . When mum died I realised what had happened with my father influence and we agreed to get along. I have found it difficult however.

The nephew that has just died I had a relationship when he was small -my mum used to look after him until he was about 4 but then they all moved to Scotland and since then have moved to other places in the UK. They all still live in a different part of the country.

I intend on going to the funeral.
However I just cant bring myself to ring my sister. I have messaged her and sent her flowers. But I just cant ring her.
I feel like there is nothing to say - I have refused to take her calls in the past as she is an alcoholic and generally only calls me when she is drunk.
I suffer with my mental health (mostly as a result of the emotional abuse from my Father) and generally find her very stressful and hard to deal with.
However (another result of my Father) I feel guilty- like I should be offering emotional support or something.
How can i do that when there isn't a relationship??

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2022 11:34

I would make sure she even wants you at the funeral. Given the dynamics, and alcoholism, involved, you attending the funeral could backfire spectacularly.

BungleandGeorge · 06/01/2022 11:44

I think phone calls can be quite intrusive after a bereavement, especially if you don’t usually communicate like that. Personally think flowers and message is more appropriate in your situation

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/01/2022 11:45

I agree with messaging rather than calling being fine. I've been in a similar position with family members and I honestly wouldn't have wanted them to call me, I found it difficult enough them being at the funeral.

She's grieving for her son, she may not want to talk to anyone let alone someone she doesn't have a relationship with. Sending flowers and a card is lovely, you're going to the funeral, I don't think you need to do more.

viques · 06/01/2022 11:46

@ApolloandDaphne

Actually I would say that you have done enough. When my DD died I did not want to take any calls as I just couldn't hear the same things over and over and I always felt like I was consoling others rather than them consoling me. I had a relative answer the phone for me and explain why I couldn't speak to them. Cards and notes were perfect as I could read them when I felt ready. Flowers I hated as we had so many they consumed our entire home. I still cannot smell lilies without being transported back to that time. However many people really like getting flowers following a death.

I am sorry for your loss ApolloandDaphne , and I can fully understand this, saying the same thing over and over after a bereavement is very painful. It is possible the sister has arranged to screen calls, in which case the person answering will be logging the calls to let her know who has called. I still think phoning is the generous spirited thing to do, the call could go to a message, or the phone callmay not be with the sister, the call might be with her and short, or it might be a chance for both of them to reconnect. The OP won’t know until she dials.

EmmaC78 · 06/01/2022 11:55

@Aquamarine1029

I would make sure she even wants you at the funeral. Given the dynamics, and alcoholism, involved, you attending the funeral could backfire spectacularly.

Sorry for your loss but I would agree with this. I have a very complicated relationship with my family and wouldn't want some family members turning up unexpectedly at a funeral.

Branleuse · 06/01/2022 11:55

i think flowers and card and attending the funeral is enough in the circumstances. It would be unlikely to be a good phone call for anybody

UserBot999 · 06/01/2022 12:01

If you're on whatsapp can you leave a heartfelt whatsapp voice note, not referring to yourself only to her.
It is horribly young to die. She must be devastated. Very difficult situation to navigate. xx

Tal45 · 06/01/2022 12:03

If she phones you a lot drunk and you find it very hard to deal with then the last thing I would say in any card or letter is that you are there for her if she needs you - it could very easily just encourage that behaviour again. You have nothing to feel guilty for, people make their choices and there are consequences for those choices.

You don't have to phone and speak to her. If you turning up at the funeral would be a shock to her then text her and let her know you are planning on going or ask another family to tell her (if that's an option).

I wouldn't call her, you might be the last person she wants to speak to and you don't want to speak to her - how is that going to go well?

workingtheusername · 06/01/2022 12:09

It would depend if you feel ringing would help. She's lost her son, if reaching out would help her then I would try. If it would open old wounds/cause issue then I wouldn't.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/01/2022 12:17

I would record a video or voice message to send so she can listen in her own time. I disagree that you 'owe' her anything and especially not if it will generate conflict or high emotion. You've only had a relationship for 4 years. You're not close. It's a very sad situation but people who don't have complicated family relationships just don't get it. Sorry for the loss of your nephew. Bereavement sucks

BorsetshireBanality · 06/01/2022 12:20

Can you put the onus on her to ring you if she needs to?
Message her that you are thinking of her at this sad time and if she needs to talk, you are there for her.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/01/2022 12:29

It's enough.
There is literally nothing you can do to ease her pain.
Go to the funeral. Keep a low profile. Consider if you really need to carry on with contact if it causes you issues.

GloriousGoosebumps · 06/01/2022 12:50

I think you have done enough. Your sister is living the worse days of her life, she doesn't need to be forced to speak to someone she seems to hate. Hopefully, she will have people around her who can support her at this time.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 06/01/2022 12:50

It's up to you really.

I would ring her, she's lost her son maybe hearing your voice would help. This may be an opportunity to heal old wounds/start the relationship.

Reach out an olive branch (the flowers and card are lovely but will be ten a penny) if it goes badly then at least you will never have any regrets.

So sorry about your nephew, what a tragic loss.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 06/01/2022 13:00

I'm not so sure going to his funeral is a good idea tbh. I would definitely make sure that you would be welcome before you go.

You knew him 33 years ago, don't get on with his mum, and can't bring yourself to phone her so you're not going to make an already difficult time any easier for her, and may well make it worse. I wouldn't have wanted anyone at my children's funerals with the relationship you describe.

You could take some time to remember and mourn the little boy you knew all that time ago in your own way if you're not welcome there.

RedPandaWanda · 06/01/2022 13:02

I would definitely go with a card, if your relationship is already strained then an awkward phone call won’t make things any better.

saraclara · 06/01/2022 13:09

@ApolloandDaphne

This (though after my DH died).

I certainly couldn't have coped with a call from someone I had a difficult relationship with.

I can only assume those telling the OP that she 'owes' the mother a call, haven't been in that position, or have uncomplicated relationships with their family.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/01/2022 13:35

If I am reading this right, you feel obligated by duty to do something. But due to history and past failed attempts and/or incompatibility, do not want a relationship with your half-sister.

I think you either need to call her to gauge if she wants you at the funeral, or if you can't bring yourself to even call her accept the relationship is unrecoverable and not attend the funeral.

Surely calling first is going to be less difficult than just showing up not knowing if you are expected or wanted?

TricolourCat · 06/01/2022 13:38

Housinghero has sent flowers.

TricolourCat · 06/01/2022 13:40

I think under the circumstances it is fine to not call before the funeral and hopefully you can have a sober conversation with her then which is better than a drunken call with your half sister as you have experienced.

TricolourCat · 06/01/2022 13:42

There is no right or wrong answer about attending the funeral. It may be an opportunity to reconnect with some relatives you would gain from having in your life again. I attended my stepmother's funeral two years ago having been treated badly by her in my teens and having been separated from family members as a result of her cruelty. I now have reconnected with my two half sisters and brother as a result which has been wonderful. Funerals can open new chapters in certain situations.

Trinidading3 · 06/01/2022 13:42

Sorry for your loss.... I think you should phone her, deep down you know this would be the kindest thing to do in the circumstances.....be the bigger person and yes, she might shout at you, have a rant at you but expect this and at least you won't look back and say you didn't call her....do it for your lovely nephews sake....he will be hugging you from above for this kind gesture....grief is a terrible feeling.....all the best and take care

billy1966 · 06/01/2022 13:44

I think in light of your poor relationship with her and your own MH struggles you have done enough.

I wouldn't go to the funeral.
You can remember him privately.

Original poster

housinghero · 06/01/2022 13:46

I am in communication with her anyway - my messenger.
She will tell me when the funeral is.
I think guilt and obligation is the source of my worry.
And I am so glad that soo many people have never been in the situation of abusive and manipulative families- this seems to be the case given so many unrealistic opinions on this post.
I hope no one ha to go through thia situation.
The more realistic opinions have reassured me that I am not doing anything wrong - for that I am very grateful.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 06/01/2022 13:51

@housinghero

I am in communication with her anyway - my messenger. She will tell me when the funeral is. I think guilt and obligation is the source of my worry. And I am so glad that soo many people have never been in the situation of abusive and manipulative families- this seems to be the case given so many unrealistic opinions on this post. I hope no one ha to go through thia situation. The more realistic opinions have reassured me that I am not doing anything wrong - for that I am very grateful.

You're fine. I am in a situation where I'm unable to contact family due to similar though not as tragic circumstances. It's a very strange place to be and hard to articulate but not everyone is strong enough for these things.

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