Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Boss asked if my pregnancy was a mistake

78 replies

HoneyBlahBlah · 05/01/2022 17:44

Just that really. Told my Line Manager that I'm pregnant, and he congratulated me, to which I thanked him. He then asked me if it was planned or not.

I felt super weird but politely answered as I didn't know what else to say. I've since told my colleague (who is also pregnant), and she said he asked her the same thing when she told him.

My boss and I have a strictly professional relationship, we're not friends and don't go into detail about our private lives with eachother.

Am I bring ridiculous to think this inappropriate?

OP posts:

hookiewookie29 · 05/01/2022 19:20

I didn't get on with my ex boss and when I told her I was pregnant, she asked me if it was" congratulations or commiserations " .Because myself and my partner weren't married...

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 05/01/2022 19:22

It definitely became a standard question for me when I was pregnant with my third child.

I'm married, homeowner and a professional.

Why people felt the need to ask if it was planned is beyond me.

It is a standard question (I also got asked it when I was pregnant with my first but I was single and fresh out of uni!) that people ask in my experience but that doesn't make it inappropriate.

I hated being asked, it's nosey and wrong to ask.

I wonder lots of things about people (how does she afford that car? Is it the same dad for all 7 kids? Etc) but you just don't ask!

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 05/01/2022 19:23

Sorry that doesn't make it appropriate!

TinyTroubleMaker · 05/01/2022 19:25

Wildly Intrusive.

Sadly not uncommon. I had a female boss and first thing out of her mouth was did I want to stay in my job (sounding hopeful the answer was no, tbh was 2 months in and mine was unplanned so I hadn't intended to take mat leave so soon but she had no way of knowing that)

WonderfulYou · 05/01/2022 19:40

YANBU as it feels very unprofessional however it wasn’t meant to be malicious and it’s no different than asking if you’re planning to have any more as general chit chat -which I did today-

penjo · 05/01/2022 19:46

Yanbu, that was ride of him but... alternative viewpoint : He could have been trying to guage whether 'congratultions' or 'sorry, that sucks' was the appropriate response?

penjo · 05/01/2022 19:46

*rude

RobotValkyrie · 05/01/2022 20:12

It's never an appropriate question (if you need to ask, then you are not close enough to be told), it's particularly inappropriate from a boss.

Appropriate reactions from a boss are: "Do let us know what reasonable adjustments you may need, remember you get time off for your midwife appointments, let's do a quick risk assessment for occupational hazards, and make sure you read the employee's handbook sections on pregnancy and maternity leave", etc.

Offmyfence · 05/01/2022 20:13

@colourfulpuddles

How is it inappropriate?

It’s just a question.

You're on a wind up!

Elieza · 05/01/2022 20:23

Bang out of order.

My answer to that would have been even more inappropriate as it would have involved full details of the night in question, al Phil or not, clothing or not, hour of day, positions and whether or not organs was reached by both parties involved or just the one.

If I’d said that I’d have been sacked but why is it ok for him to ask in the first place. Weirdo.

Elieza · 05/01/2022 20:23

Alcohol

Elieza · 05/01/2022 20:25

And orgasms not organs.
My nails need cut keep hitting wrong keys. Oh I could include that too in the answer, whether or not nails were scratched down anyones back…,,

DysmalRadius · 05/01/2022 20:26

@WonderfulYou

YANBU as it feels very unprofessional however it wasn’t meant to be malicious and it’s no different than asking if you’re planning to have any more as general chit chat -which I did today-

Asking if someone plans to have any more is also inappropriate!! It's really intrusive and assumes that everyone gets a choice! Someone asked me that shortly after my second miscarriage and it was all I could do to hold it together instead of telling them that I had been but was now grimly trying to hold it together to get through the day.

Cakecakecheese · 05/01/2022 20:30

The nurse at my covid booster asked me if it was planned. Not sure how that was relevant!

BathTangle · 05/01/2022 20:39

I was asked this by my boss 16 years ago - I was stunned then but thought perhaps people had learned better by now - clearly not!

I look back and wish I could have said "Do you mean did I intentionally have unprotected sex during my fertile period? If so, I don't think that's a question you have any right to ask."

amy2021 · 05/01/2022 20:40

I had a few people at work ask me this, including my boss but she was generally a feckin nightmare so expected! She also joked we should call our son Akeem as my sons dad is African. She was just trash.

I think the other people asked because we were not married at the time even though we were engaged, as we were not doing things in the order society expects.

Theyellowflamingo · 05/01/2022 20:48

First words out my boss’s mouth were “Was it planned?”. I suspect he was trying to ascertain in a ham fisted way if congratulations would be welcome. My face probably gave away what I thought of that question and he immediately backtracked and apologised. I just said the baby was happy news and we moved on. But he was a really decent guy, just made a mistake and put his foot in his mouth. I expect I’ve done similar in my time.

You’re right though, it not an appropriate question. From your boss or anyone else who isn’t your partner or possibly a healthcare provider.

czycoup · 05/01/2022 20:53

It's so weird to ask particularly as I assume the answer isn't going to change the fact you will be going on maternity leave.

A colleague asked me this in an open plan office when I announced pregnancy. We were friendly so at first I didn't think much of it. Also, the woman serving me in Sainsbury's asked if the baby was planned

workingtheusername · 05/01/2022 20:54

@colourfulpuddles

How is it inappropriate?

It’s just a question.

It's at work yes it is inappropriate

workingtheusername · 05/01/2022 20:58

@TheSnowyOwl

An employer has a duty of care and an unplanned pregnancy isn’t always an occasion to celebrate.

Yeah let the parent to be take the lead on wether it's good news. Don't question or assume

ittakes2 · 05/01/2022 20:58

See my take on someone asking that question is whether if its a surprise for you that maybe you needed extra support.

Funkyfraz · 07/01/2022 22:13

It just is?!

TheSnowyOwl · 10/01/2022 17:53

@czycoup

It's so weird to ask particularly as I assume the answer isn't going to change the fact you will be going on maternity leave.

Of course it will change whether you go on maternity leave. Some women will be seeking a termination and might want support and understanding, as well as time off, for it.

Bluebluemoon · 10/01/2022 17:58

Don't worry, on being told I was pregnant my ex boss said to me "how far gone are you? Oh, well it's not too late to have an abortion you know"

I was young (23) admittedly but was in a long term relationship and we were happy about it. I hadn't given her any reason to think I might not want the baby.
She didn't have any dc's of her own and didn't want them and she just couldn't understand why a 23yo would want to proceed with a pregnancy!

HiCandles · 10/01/2022 18:05

My FIL asked this. I was amazed- we were married, homeowning, good jobs and had managed not to get pregnant in the preceding 10 years so why he thought an accident might suddenly have happened I have no idea. It got my back up because I felt the assumption was we weren't sensible enough to have organised contraception.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread