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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boss asked if my pregnancy was a mistake

78 replies

HoneyBlahBlah · 05/01/2022 17:44

Just that really. Told my Line Manager that I'm pregnant, and he congratulated me, to which I thanked him. He then asked me if it was planned or not.

I felt super weird but politely answered as I didn't know what else to say. I've since told my colleague (who is also pregnant), and she said he asked her the same thing when she told him.

My boss and I have a strictly professional relationship, we're not friends and don't go into detail about our private lives with eachother.

Am I bring ridiculous to think this inappropriate?

OP posts:
georgarina · 05/01/2022 17:58

That's reeeeally weird and inappropriate wtf

georgarina · 05/01/2022 17:58

Is there some reason they both asked?

namechangetheworld · 05/01/2022 18:02

I was asked this by a (female) colleague when I was pregnant with my (very much planned!) first. She was absolutely lovely and clearly didn't mean any offence. I couldn't get worked up about it.

Original poster
HoneyBlahBlah · 05/01/2022 18:11

@LiveFromNewYork

Does he have kids of his own?
Yes actually, 2 sons! Both teenagers
OP posts:
Original poster
HoneyBlahBlah · 05/01/2022 18:13

@BatshitBanshee

Totally inappropriate for a manager to ask this in a professional setting. Do you have a HR department? I wouldn't make a complaint as such, but I would ask if this is a routine question they ask as company policy. For nothing else, just have it recorded he said it.
Unfortunately not as I'm a temp 😔
OP posts:
Original poster
HoneyBlahBlah · 05/01/2022 18:14

@georgarina

Is there some reason they both asked?
I have no idea
OP posts:
Jelly4444 · 05/01/2022 18:20

My male boss asked me if my pregnancy was an accident! I'm still annoyed about and my child is 6! 😡

WingingIt101 · 05/01/2022 18:22

Definitely inappropriate
It’s inappropriate in any setting “oh were you intentionally having unprotected sex in the hope of procreating or have you had an accident?”

I had a nurse ask me the same question whilst I was sobbing in a hospital bed miscarrying just before Christmas. I responded with “does it matter?”

LetHimHaveIt · 05/01/2022 18:24

I think the title is misleading, because I'd say asking if it was planned, is asking if the baby was an 'accident' rather than a 'mistake', with the former being less offensive than the latter. But they're both pretty intrusive questions. I wouldn't be thrilled; I wouldn't kick off.

Abraxan · 05/01/2022 18:25

@colourfulpuddles

How is it inappropriate? Confused It’s just a question.
It's never appropriate to ask your employer if their pregnancy was planned or not.

Tbh it's never really appropriate to ask anyone unless you have a very close relationship with them and it's the type of conversation you'd normally have with the.

BatshitBanshee · 05/01/2022 18:27

Unfortunately not as I'm a temp

@HoneyBlahBlah that'll be why then. As in "did you intend to get pregnant while temping here".

TheSnowyOwl · 05/01/2022 18:29

Planned and a mistake are totally different.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/01/2022 18:30

It’s a personal question and inappropriate.

I told my boss I was expecting twins and he replied “oh Christ I’m so sorry” 🤣 …. he was having trouble with his teen at the time though.

JMPB · 05/01/2022 18:31

Mine asked me, and it was so they could gage how I was feeling about it etc, and asked if I needed any time to get my head around it etc. Was not to be nosey in any way but to look after my welfare as they’d noticed I’d been a bit quiet

Rosesareyellow · 05/01/2022 18:38

He then asked me if it was planned or not.

I think YABU for twisting that into asking if it was a ‘mistake’… really not the same thing is it?

Aspidistra1 · 05/01/2022 18:44

Skim read the title and thought it said Boris not Boss! My first thought was “Bit bloody rich!”

It was inappropriate of your boss to say this. Probably you know if it was careless/he didn’t know or more than this.

TheSnowyOwl · 05/01/2022 18:54

An employer has a duty of care and an unplanned pregnancy isn’t always an occasion to celebrate.

Original poster
HoneyBlahBlah · 05/01/2022 18:58

@Rosesareyellow

He then asked me if it was planned or not.

I think YABU for twisting that into asking if it was a ‘mistake’… really not the same thing is it?

My apologise, that wasn't my intention. But I think people understand it regardless, and hopefully realised that I wasn't trying to twist anything.
OP posts:
Original poster
HoneyBlahBlah · 05/01/2022 18:58

*my apologies

OP posts:
EurghCobwebs · 05/01/2022 19:01

My male director asked me this question when I had to tell him the news. I felt like responding "no I've just been doing it wrong all these years" to make HIM feel awkward.

Original poster
HoneyBlahBlah · 05/01/2022 19:06

@TheSnowyOwl

An employer has a duty of care and an unplanned pregnancy isn’t always an occasion to celebrate.
I supposed they should really gauge the way the employee tells them though, and I was happy when telling him.

I think he was just nosey if I'm honest.

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 05/01/2022 19:09

Nobody has ever asked me this during any of my pregnancies - it is absolutely not a standard question and not any of anyone's business!!

Taswama · 05/01/2022 19:09

When I told my boss I was pregnant (15 years ago) he said something like, 'are you happy about that?'. Which I took to mean, was it planned.
I thought it was a bit weird but I think he was just a bit shocked.

LazJaz · 05/01/2022 19:12

YANBU. One of our bosses asked me something similar. Ultimately I have resigned, and this was a major factor as it was just one of a series of highly sexist remarks and, frankly, I can do better than working for sexists.

myyellowcar · 05/01/2022 19:13

So many people at work asked me this (married, 30s, mortgage and stable job) and it was honestly so bizarre

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