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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about compassionate leave

69 replies

Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:30

I work in a small firm - there are 3 of us, me, my manager and a colleague that I will call Lisa. Lisa is currently off on compassionate leave as her Mother is sadly very ill with cancer and the doctors have said there is nothing more than can do (she was diagnosed in 2019). Lisa was also given a month off (on compassionate leave) in 2019 when her mother was first diagnosed.

This has brought up a lot of feelings for me as my Dad died in 2017 and, as he lived in a country on the other side of the world, I made 2 trips back to see him before he died (each about 2 weeks long) and on one of the trips I literally sat by his bedside in hospital. My manager did not offer me any compassionate leave for this but did give me 12 days bereavement leave when my Dad did die.

I used up a lot of my annual leave during 2017 because of my trips home and my manager allowed me to recoup some of the days I owed by swapping my Christmas bonus for leave days.

I really feel this in unfair when I think about it but because of the sensitive nature of the whole situation feel loathe to mention it. I don't want anything to be taken away from Lisa but I just feel so upset and annoyed about it. I wish I didn't but I do :(

Would I be unreasonable to raise this with my manager?

OP posts:
user15364596354862 · 05/01/2022 17:33

I get why you feel the unfairness. What would you like the outcome to be if you spoke to your manager though?

Chely · 05/01/2022 17:34

Bit too late to be raising it imo

MoniJitchell · 05/01/2022 17:34

I'm really sorry to hear what you went through with your Dad, sounds like a really rough time.

I've voted yabu because if you didn't raise it at the time that you were requesting compassionate leave then it does look now as if you are bitter that your colleague is having time off due to an ill parent. If it was more recent I can see maybe raising it with your boss, but as it stands I think you just need to suck this one up as one of those things in life thats just ended up unfair.

Smartiepants79 · 05/01/2022 17:34

I’m sorry about your dad, it was obviously a very difficult time.
What do you hope to gain from raising it now, 4 years later? Did you ask for compassionate leave at the time and have it refused?
I can understand where your coming from but I’m not entirely sure what you hope might come from it?

Batshittery · 05/01/2022 17:37

It was more than 4 years ago. I would let it go tbh. Maybe your manager has become more compassionate since covid?

notanothertakeaway · 05/01/2022 17:38

That does seem rather unfair, although there may be reasons for it eg your leave was paid, Lisa's is unpaid? Or has she worked there longer?

Perhaps worth suggesting that employment contracts are updated to reflect current policy, but I'm not sure what more you could hope to achieve here

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:38

I didn't mean to add a vote for this. I'm not sure what I am hoping to achieve. My colleague has not asked for compassionate leave, it has just been given to her. I did think it was unfair in 2019 but kept quiet as I was worried it would make me look like an awful person considering the situation.

2017 was a terrible year for me and I didn't even think about asking for compassionate leave because I'm not really that sort of person and I guess I wanted my Dad to be well.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/01/2022 17:39

Did you ask for compassionate leave at the time?

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:40

@notanothertakeaway - my leave was taken as annual leave and Lisa's is being fully paid for ie not as annual leave (that's the whole issue).

I have worked here for about 2 years longer than Lisa and I work more closely with my manager.

OP posts:
Horst · 05/01/2022 17:41

Maybe the manager learnt from what happened with your dad. Maybe the company is in a better place financially. Maybe they need Lisa more than you do want to keep her sweetier

Maybe they didn’t believe that all of your trips where actually needed at the time. Maybe Lisa’s mum needs kids to actually help her with things where as your dad was living the otherwise of the world so must of had a support network there.

Who knows what if any of the reasons it could be but yabu if you bring it up all these years later.

Policies change my dh used annual leave for when we had children as it was stat pay now men get full pay on paternity leave at his work, sucks for us now but it was what it was when we had our children.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/01/2022 17:41

Did you ask for compassionate leave?

Horst · 05/01/2022 17:42

Typo crazy in that post my apologies for that.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 05/01/2022 17:46

I completely understand how you feel, but I don't think there's much to be gained here in bringing it up with your manager.

ChessieFL · 05/01/2022 17:46

The problem is that there’s not really much they can do now. They can’t change what happened to you a few years ago. They could stop Lisa’s compassionate leave now but that would be unfair and I’m sure you don’t really want that to happen.

It’s not unheard of for companies to change policies so people may get treated differently than someone a few years ago. It sounds like your company doesn’t have any official policies but that’s essentially what they’ve done here.

You could raise with your manager that you think it’s unfair which might get a formal policy put in place for the future but that’s not going to change what’s already happened.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:48

Did I ask for compassionate leave at the time? No, because I didn't know it was a possibility within our small firm and had no idea how long my Dad would live for.

OP posts:
WhatToDo1988 · 05/01/2022 17:48

I've been through similar when my mum had cancer in that, because I made more of an effort to be professional, not cry at work, put on a brave face, I didn't get as much leeway as a colleague who went through the same thing a year later. I got nothing, zero, even when I went to HR and asked for it. When my mum had a really important appointment that clashed with an important meeting (which 5 other associates were qualified to take, I was in no way instrumental to it) I was denied my vacation request. Colleague came in crying and telling everyone about every detail of her parent's treatment, and she was given weeks and weeks of leave at various points in the year. I was so jealous. I spent so many sleepless nights reliving the stress I had gone through the year before, I was obsessed. I eventually put in my notice another year later and this was a factor, it just soured everything for me. Colleague, who incidentally is mediocre at the job at best, is still there. They can all go fuck themselves.

Gazelda · 05/01/2022 17:49

I think you'd regret bringing this up with your manager.

She may see it as a display of jealousy on your part.

She may feel guilty that she hadn't given you the same amount of compassionate leave as Lisa.

She'll probably review the compassionate leave policy which risks a vast reduction in the amount given in the future to either you or Lisa - the norm is a few days.

I agree the situation is unfair. But I think you should leave it and try not to bear any grudge against Lisa or your manager. As a pp has pointed out - a lot might have changed in the last 4 years which has led to this differing response.

LethargicActress · 05/01/2022 17:50

Maybe Lisa is having to provide the care for her Mum and that makes a difference. You don’t know what they’ve organised about pay, so how can you be sure there’s anything unfair going on?

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:51

@ChessieFL thank you and yes, we are a very small company with no policies like this in place so that's why it's kind of surprised me that Lisa has been offered so much compassionate leave and I wasn't offered any at the time.

I definitely do not want her to lose any of it, it's more that I feel it's unfair that my manager (at the time) spent a long time calculating out how much leave I had and how much I owed and having to pay it back with my bonus at the end of the year, not offering any compassionate leave in hindsight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:54

@WhatToDo1988 so sorry to hear about your experience - I feel a little like that though I am not jealous of Lisa, it's not about her in anyway, it's between my manager and I.

I am definitely one for putting on a brave face and I literally wouldn't have entertained the idea of asking for compassionate leave at the time because I am just not like that but it was a hideous year for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:57

@Gazelda we are a tiny firm that just doesn't have these policies - we are not a huge corporate firm. We all work very closely together as a team.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:59

@LethargicActress I know all about the pay as I pay us so there's nothing going on.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 05/01/2022 18:07

I think yabu a bit considering you got 12 days bereavement leave after he died.

DarlingCoffee · 05/01/2022 18:13

I feel for you OP and I voted YANBU because I think it could be helpful for you to talk this through with someone, maybe not your manager as it’s a small company as you have said but to somebody outside of this situation. It can be detrimental to hold feelings like this in, and it would be a shame if this might hamper your future at the company due to feelings of resentment.

Gazelda · 05/01/2022 18:20

[quote Cheeks4970]@Gazelda we are a tiny firm that just doesn't have these policies - we are not a huge corporate firm. We all work very closely together as a team.[/quote]
I appreciate that. But by raising this, your manager would possibly decide she should put some policies in place to avoid future discrepancies.

I would if I were her.

In any case, I completely understand how you feel. You haven't had the same benefit of compassionate leave as a close colleague.

For your own peace of mind, you need to either bring this up with manager, decide to put it out of your mind forever, or talk it through with someone unconnected so that it doesn't sour your good working relationships.

Or leave if you can't put it behind you.

Just don't let it fester.