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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about compassionate leave

69 replies

Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:30

I work in a small firm - there are 3 of us, me, my manager and a colleague that I will call Lisa. Lisa is currently off on compassionate leave as her Mother is sadly very ill with cancer and the doctors have said there is nothing more than can do (she was diagnosed in 2019). Lisa was also given a month off (on compassionate leave) in 2019 when her mother was first diagnosed.

This has brought up a lot of feelings for me as my Dad died in 2017 and, as he lived in a country on the other side of the world, I made 2 trips back to see him before he died (each about 2 weeks long) and on one of the trips I literally sat by his bedside in hospital. My manager did not offer me any compassionate leave for this but did give me 12 days bereavement leave when my Dad did die.

I used up a lot of my annual leave during 2017 because of my trips home and my manager allowed me to recoup some of the days I owed by swapping my Christmas bonus for leave days.

I really feel this in unfair when I think about it but because of the sensitive nature of the whole situation feel loathe to mention it. I don't want anything to be taken away from Lisa but I just feel so upset and annoyed about it. I wish I didn't but I do :(

Would I be unreasonable to raise this with my manager?

OP posts:

Aprilx · 05/01/2022 19:55

You were also treated very kindly, twelve days leave is an unusually generous amount of compassionate leave. You know that in most companies this tends to be no more than a few days?

If you were concerned about company policy or lack thereof, this is something you could have mentioned it at any time, maybe when you were given your twelve days or in the four years since then. Asking because Lisa has now been given some compassionate leave, may make you come across as somewhat mean spirited. Additionally, you cannot even know for sure what arrangement she has come to with the employer.

Original poster

Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 20:13

@TolkiensFallow if I thought it was an option, I honestly would have asked for it especially when I returned from the time when I last saw my Father - during the first meeting with my manager I was crying and incredibly upset. I know Lisa hasn't asked for it. It's just been given to her for as long as she needs.

OP posts:

TolkiensFallow · 05/01/2022 20:23

I do understand what you are saying, I think it’s amplified because your company is tiny. I work for a big company and have known people take zero to three months off for bereavement but because there’s so many people nobody compares themselves to each other. I’ve just returned after 4 weeks compassionate leave but I know another manager had 3 months very recently.

I’m also a manager and I do look at things on a case by case basis rather than a blanket rule but I wouldn’t tell another member of staff if they asked me why they got less leave than Lisa. It would be confidential. So if Lisa is having mental health problems herself or there is another factor, you won’t necessarily get the answer you want by raising it.

turnaroundtime · 05/01/2022 20:34

If it is really eating you up, perhaps you could talk with your manager along the lines of ..." I am really glad to see that you/the company is supporting Lisa during this awful time and also back in 2019 when she had a month of leave. I am feeling really conflicted as when my Dad was very ill and sadly passed in 2017, I was not afforded the same consideration. Whilst I am pleased Lisa is, I can not help but feel aggrieved that I was made to struggle without this support. I am not specifically requesting anything but I do not want to hold any more emotional burden about this as I risk becoming bitter at how I was treated and I am hoping that expressing this to you will help me move forward"

CastleCrasher · 05/01/2022 20:45

If you want to raise it, if suggest you do it in fairly positive terms, given so much time has passed. Eg "I'm so glad you've changed the policy on compassionate leave. It's great that Lisa has been about to spend time with her mother without worrying about leave and money. As much as I appreciated being able to take additional time to be with my father, the financial cost of paying for that through sacrificing my bonus was very hard. I'm pleased Lisa and others in future won't have to do that"

SeasonFinale · 05/01/2022 20:56

The reality is is another 4 years down the line. Perhaps the business is in a better state to be able to support Lisa through this. Perhaps the terrible couple of years we have all had has made the managers appreciate the value of family and take this stance now.

I can't see anything coming out of raising this now other than making you seem quite heartless which personally I don't think because I see where you are coming from as a outsider. However your boss is not an outsider and has a relationship with Lisa. So you really think it is worth souring your relationship with your boss over this or even worse it getting back to Lisa because however you approach this it may be seen as batching about it by those affected.

puffyisgood · 05/01/2022 20:57

losing a parent imo qualifies you for about 1-2 weeks of compassionate leave, maybe 2-3 weeks at an unusually large or profitable firm. so I wouldn't say you were hard done by at all. a month's paid(?) leave after a diagnosis seems pretty batshit crazy to me, most of all at an apparently small firm, but I'm not totally sure that it's your place to point this out. is there any chance that the leave was unpaid?

puffyisgood · 05/01/2022 21:00

fwiw I seem to remember getting two weeks when my dad died, the first week mostly spent at a hospice with him, the second organising & then attending the funeral.

Original poster

Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 21:05

I read an email today from 2019 saying that it was fully paid leave and that she did not need to worry about financial stress while she looked after her Mum etc. (And before anyone thinks I am snooping etc, I have full access to his emails and he knows I always read them whether they are to Lisa or anyone as it's part of my role with him to keep abreast of all of his dealings so that nothing gets missed.)

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 21:11

Please be assured that I am not ungrateful for the 12 days I received when my Dad died but I am just shocked at how much leave Lisa is being given without it affecting her financially at all.

We are a small firm. We don't have policies. We all work closely together. I am deeply sorry and sad for Lisa's situation and I firmly believe that she would be shocked to learn that I wasn't offered what she has been.

OP posts:

QuizzlyBear · 05/01/2022 21:12

OP I absolutely see why you'd feel a level of injustice and unfairness, though like others I can't see what you can realistically do at this stage.

Was your coworker caring for her mother during her illness? I could understand if she had that level of responsibility that your boss might recognise that financially. Whilst your pain and upset would of course have been the same, if your DF was in another country, compassionate leave would have been for the emotional upheaval more than the practicalities involved.

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs, I just wondered if that may be a factor?

Original poster

Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 21:21

@QuizzlyBear Yes Lisa was involved in caring for her Mum when she was diagnosed and has been looking after her recently but she now needs to go into a nursing home. Lisa has a family of her own and so her Mum hasn't been able to stay with her as such but Lisa has siblings who share the load.

The last time I visited my Dad (for 2 weeks) before he died, I sat by his bedside as he had to be in hospital - I was there all day and when not there was staying with my Mum. It was a terrible time for all of us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 21:26

@turnaroundtime your idea of what to say is very similar to how my partner said to have the conversation. I just need to keep my emotions in check as I burst into tears when I started even mentioning it to him (my partner).

OP posts:

TolkiensFallow · 05/01/2022 21:41

How long have you been thinking about this? It sounds like your tears are related to the trauma of losing your dad being brought to the surface - rather than the unfairness. It might be worth giving it a few days and seeing if you still feel the same?

LittleOwl153 · 05/01/2022 21:51

Maybe you need to suggest to your boss that a compassionate leave policy needs putting I to place? He may realise he has been unfair - he may not.
You then need to decide whether you can put this behind you and move on or whether it is going to eat at you. If it will continue to eat at you then you need to look to moving jobs

Original poster

Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 21:52

@TolkiensFallow yep it definitely has brought it to the surface though I know 4 years seems a long time ago, it doesn't feel that long to me! My grief is always bubbling away in the background as anyone who has lost someone close knows. I will sit with it for now x

OP posts:

DSGR · 05/01/2022 21:56

I lost my parent to cancer and didn’t ask for much leave either. But that’s just the way it is. I wouldn’t begrudge other people taking more - circumstances differ.
Yes you’d be unreasonable to raise this with your manager now. If you wanted more leave at the time it was down to you to ask for it. What Lisa arranges with the company is really nothing to do with you, sorry to say

TolkiensFallow · 06/01/2022 07:41

@Cheeks4970 that’s totally understandable. Grief does bubble up like that. It sounds good to sit with it and if you decide to raise it, be clear about what you are raising. If you need to tell your boss that Lisa current difficulties have been triggering for you and you find yourself tearful at times it would be entirely reasonable.

SeasonFinale · 06/01/2022 07:53

@Cheeks4970

Whilst it may be the case that he knows you read his emails to keep him on track etc I am unsure why you can justify that you are today reading emails from 2019. Again this would not reflect well were you to bring this up now.

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