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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about compassionate leave

69 replies

Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 17:30

I work in a small firm - there are 3 of us, me, my manager and a colleague that I will call Lisa. Lisa is currently off on compassionate leave as her Mother is sadly very ill with cancer and the doctors have said there is nothing more than can do (she was diagnosed in 2019). Lisa was also given a month off (on compassionate leave) in 2019 when her mother was first diagnosed.

This has brought up a lot of feelings for me as my Dad died in 2017 and, as he lived in a country on the other side of the world, I made 2 trips back to see him before he died (each about 2 weeks long) and on one of the trips I literally sat by his bedside in hospital. My manager did not offer me any compassionate leave for this but did give me 12 days bereavement leave when my Dad did die.

I used up a lot of my annual leave during 2017 because of my trips home and my manager allowed me to recoup some of the days I owed by swapping my Christmas bonus for leave days.

I really feel this in unfair when I think about it but because of the sensitive nature of the whole situation feel loathe to mention it. I don't want anything to be taken away from Lisa but I just feel so upset and annoyed about it. I wish I didn't but I do :(

Would I be unreasonable to raise this with my manager?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 18:26

@cadburyegg yes I got 12 days bereavement leave but Lisa has now been given in excess of 30 days?

OP posts:
Kshhuxnxk · 05/01/2022 18:31

I would leave it,.it is too long ago. Things change.

GreenClock · 05/01/2022 18:33

I know that you’re familiar with Lisa’s pay, but is it possible that there’s more to her family situation than is being divulged? A colleague of mine has been off since mid-November dealing with a sibling bereavement but there happens to be more to it than that which only our manager knows about (and me because she chose to tell me).

ToddlingForwards · 05/01/2022 18:37

Difficult situation, I can totally understand why you feel it is unfair. I think if you’re going to bring it up then you need to be clear as to why and what you want from the conversation. Do you just want to air your grievance, do you want recompense (to be given some of that annual leave back), do you want a proper policy to be written down so that things are clear in the future?

AgeingDoc · 05/01/2022 18:38

I can empathise Cheeks
When my Mum died I was allowed 5 days compassionate leave. Due to the circumstances of her death there was a delay with the funeral so I ended up taking 4 days off when she died, then having to come back to work and take the 5th day for the funeral, which was 100s of miles away(but in this country). I got home in the early hours and was in work the next day. I wasn't allowed to use annual leave as I "hadn't given enough notice and the rota was already written".
A few years later, one of my colleagues was granted 2 weeks compassionate leave to travel to his home country (in Europe) for his wife's cousin's funeral. Apparently this was ok because managers have discretion to grant more leave in exceptional circumstances, which my manager decided applied to my colleague flying to Europe, but not to me waiting for my Mum's post mortem and then driving hundreds of miles there and back on one day for her funeral.
I was very upset and tempted to complain, but in the end I didn't. For one thing, it wasn't my colleague's fault that he had been treated better than me. Complaining wouldn't have made my situation any better and could have made his worse. I would have been punishing him for the past actions of my manager which would have been mean and would almost certainly have soured our future working relationship. And nothing could undo my previous experience anyway.
It did put me in a stronger position when my Dad died shortly afterwards however, and I was rather less compliant with my manager's initial suggestions on that occasion.
I know it hurts, but none of it is Lisa's fault. Learn from the experience with your manager and you will be stronger in the future - hopefully you won't need more compassionate leave in the near future though.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 05/01/2022 18:38

I think you have every right to be upset but imo I don’t think it’s one size fits all . I’m not saying your wrong and I feel for you as I suppose it’s brought all these feeling back . But it was quite some time ago even if you did being it up with a manager I’m not sure what you’d expect her to say/ do ?. Is it that you want your feelings validated? . A lot of time has passed and it may be very different to what you know , just let it go don’t be that person jealous of how they have been treated differently, I sympathise but nothing you do will change things now and it wouldn’t be right for you to say anything imo .

DanielRicciardosSmile · 05/01/2022 18:39

You say your "manager (at the time)" has the manager changed since then?

Rrrob · 05/01/2022 18:42

I understand why you are upset but it was 4 years ago. Perhaps your manager learnt from the experience…
For what it’s worth, I got 5 days bereavement leave when dd1 died (before the law changed to 10 days last year). People were given the same at my firm when more distant relatives died, and I was upset/ fuming at the time.

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 18:43

@GreenClock possibly but Lisa does tend to tell me lots of things about her family - her siblings, her husband and children and so I'm not sure there is more to it but I couldn't say 100%.

My manager often implies that he would always be fair to both of us in all sorts of situations so I'm not sure if he is just avoiding this one or has no idea of how I would be feeling.

I have been his PA since 2007 (I had worked for him for 10 years when my Dad died) so I think maybe I just feel hurt by it all. I'm never ill. He relies on me a lot etc.

OP posts:
FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 05/01/2022 18:44

Your boss sounds very reasonable to both of you.

YABU.

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 18:45

@Rrrob so sorry for your loss - that must have been devastating - 5 days :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 18:47

@DanielRicciardosSmile no same manager

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DanielRicciardosSmile · 05/01/2022 18:50

Ahh OK, it was just from the way you worded it it sounded like there was a different manager now, which would potentially have explained the change in policy.

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 18:53

@AgeingDoc thanks for sharing and so very sorry for your experience (of losing both your Mum and Dad).

This is totally not about Lisa and I and in no way do I want to change anything for her - I know it wouldn't because of the nature of our working life together. I don't even know what I want to get out of it - maybe just recognition from him that it was unfair to me.

OP posts:
NinaDefoe · 05/01/2022 18:54

I wouldn’t raise it but your manager has now set a precedent for any compassionate leave needed in the future.
It will do you no good comparing your situation with Lisa’s but if you should ever need leave in future you know now that you are entitled to it.

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 18:54

@DanielRicciardosSmile there are no policies - my manager just makes decisions like this as our working life goes on

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Yika · 05/01/2022 19:00

Fully relate to this. I would find it very unfair.

Sorry nothing constructive to add but I do support a PP’s suggestion that you need to know what you want to get out of any discussion if you raise it.

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 19:15

Thanks all. I think I will just sit with it for now and try not to let it fester and find someone to talk to about it if I can.

OP posts:
twominutesmore · 05/01/2022 19:24

I don't think you can know every private conversation that has happened between Lisa and the manager. It may be that you got what you asked for at the time, and she is getting what she asked for too.

In my place of work, someone lost their spouse and took a month off. When someone else lost a spouse, they had almost a full year off. Both were given what they asked for.

If you have a good relationship with the manager I don't see why you can't ask tbh, in Lisa's absence, sounding as reasonable as you do here. I think you'll continue feeling resentful otherwise.

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 19:32

@twominutesmore thank you for your comments - I didn't ask for anything at the time and I don't believe Lisa has either. I didn't ask for bereavement leave, it was just given to me after I had taken it (and I was thankful for it).

I spoke to my partner about it and he too said I just need to be careful how I would raise it and say that Lisa's Mum being ill had stirred up feelings for me of when my Dad was ill and lead the conversation from there....

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Pirrip1868 · 05/01/2022 19:33

I completely understand your sense of grievance but I don’t see what is going to be achieved by raising it with your manager. He / she can’t go back in time and remedy the situation. Maybe your manager reflected on how they dealt with your situation and decided to do it differently in future? Unlikely but not impossible.

Original poster
Cheeks4970 · 05/01/2022 19:39

I honestly actually feel like he will be oblivious to it and will be thinking what a kind boss he's being by giving Lisa compassionate leave

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hairymorag · 05/01/2022 19:44

i am surprised there is no policy around this. I know where i work its ten days max compassionate leave. If i as a manager decided to increase it for someone whilst ensuring someone else got the allocated amount i would be exposing myself for an allegation of discrimination. The fact your boss has gone off and given someone 30 days CL is very very unusual. I would be speaking to him about it.

twominutesmore · 05/01/2022 19:45

if you raise it considerately and without accusation, and he values you, I can't see why he would mind.

I know he can't change things now but I suspect you'll feel better if your boss has a good reason or an apology. I think it will fester otherwise and damage your relationship, as you'll be wondering why your grief was worth less.

TolkiensFallow · 05/01/2022 19:54

I understand why you feel the way you do but you aren’t her manager and it’s not for your to say what she should or shouldn’t have. It shouldn’t be a prescriptive amount of time, but discussed, negotiated and agreed between and employee and their line manager. Even when bereaved some people will take a week and others a month or more. Lisa may be suffering physical health problems as a result such as anxiety or being given carers leave to support her mum - and that isn’t your business.

It sounds like you didn’t feel you were treated unfairly at the time but now feel put out that you weren’t treated exactly equally. Unless you feel there is a broader theme of unequal treatment I would leave this or you will end up looking petulant.