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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling so badly after return to work from mat leave?

65 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 05/01/2022 15:19

I just honestly can't be here. My heart is breaking and I need to be with my baby. I don't care about my career - I've worked all my life to be where I am now and I don't care about it. I'd happily walk away now and give it all up. I just so badly need to be near my baby, everything just hurts. I'm being sent updates by the person looking after her and it's making me want to cry seeing her little face. Is this normal?? When will this get easier? Please someone talk me out of walking out on my job. I need it. But I cannot cope with this horrendous feeling. 😞

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/01/2022 15:35

It took me 3 to 6 months to settle. Stopped having a wee cry gping into work after couple of months

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/01/2022 15:36

This is normal OP. I'd give it a few months, if you're still feeling like this after 4 months then you can review

Wickywoo1984 · 05/01/2022 15:37

How long has it been? I felt the same post may leave. The guilt was terrible but honestly it'll pass. I still get that pang of guilt if I leave dc for the night/ weekend etc, but after a few hours I relax and enjoy myself.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 05/01/2022 15:38

Today is only my second day back.

OP posts:
Stringervest · 05/01/2022 15:39

I'm sorry OP. I'd second what a point said about giving it time. It's hard at first but I'm so glad I kept my career.

Comtesse · 05/01/2022 15:40

When did you start work again? It does take some time to get used to it no doubt. So hard when logic says one thing but emotions say another Flowers

Hotyogahotchoc · 05/01/2022 15:41

It's only your second day back OP?! Give it a chance and hopefully it will get easier.

Comtesse · 05/01/2022 15:41

Sorry cross post - it’s very very early days. Don’t make a snap decision yet. Ride it out, have a little cry, see how you feel at the end of the week/ the month etc.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 05/01/2022 16:02

Thanks for the replies. Would you say it's normal to just not care about your career all of a sudden? I feel like an entirely different person now.

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 05/01/2022 16:06

How old is your child? It is normal to miss them, however your response (imo) is quite extreme.

Its a big change, did you start preparing yourself when you were on mat peave by leaving your chipd with people.for periods of time to get used to it or have you gone in completely cold turkey?

BookFiend4Life · 05/01/2022 16:08

Hey OP I felt the same way. I thought I would go back to work right away and then the second she was born I was like fuck that. Ultimately I do think it's good for me to work so I got a new job that's 100% remote and we're doing a nanny instead of daycare so I can see her throughout the day. Can you get a WFH job?

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 05/01/2022 16:10

She's 8 months

I did a few hours here and there to prepare, where I left her with her dad or the childminder for some shorter sessions. But this is the first time since her birth I've been away from her for the entire day. It's just too much.

OP posts:
FireworkParrot · 05/01/2022 16:11

Totally normal to miss them, it can be hard adjusting back to work after maternity leave. What I can say a few years down the line (DD1 is now 4 and at school and DD2 is 2.5 and at nursery) is that it has been 100% the best thing for all of us. DDs have loved nursery and developed so much there, I have kept working and earning, contributing to a pension, my career has progressed and I've been promoted in that time etc. I really appreciate my time with my DDs and they get lots out of being in other environments.

Give it time OP, it's an adjustment period but one day you'll look back and be so glad you stuck it out.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 05/01/2022 16:11

@BookFiend4Life

Hey OP I felt the same way. I thought I would go back to work right away and then the second she was born I was like fuck that. Ultimately I do think it's good for me to work so I got a new job that's 100% remote and we're doing a nanny instead of daycare so I can see her throughout the day. Can you get a WFH job?

I could negotiate some more time WFH I'm sure, but we can't afford a nanny. So she would still need a childminder which means I wouldn't see her anymore anyway.

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 05/01/2022 16:12

Not trying to sound harsh OP, i see lots of women do the same, but why didn't you build up to this and have a few days throughout your mat leave where you were off doing different things?..you must have known going from seeing her 100% of the time to being away for 8 hours would be extremely hard. I did my 10 kit days in my final 6 weeks of mat leave so i was away for 5-8 hours to get used to being away from DD

GladysTheOstrich · 05/01/2022 16:15

I went back to work after both DC but never went back full time. I’m now doing a 0.7 timetable (teacher) and an MSc the other days.

It’s not all or nothing; you could use this opportunity to dial back a bit on work or reassess your career goals and think about a change.

jeepjeep4 · 05/01/2022 16:18

You have my complete sympathy it's soo hard. I still desperately miss my two year old when I go
To work!! But you should find it stops feeling quite this bad in time so maybe stick it out for a few more weeks and see how you feel. It's early days still.

GalacticGoddess · 05/01/2022 16:19

@Sofiegiraffe

Thanks for the replies. Would you say it's normal to just not care about your career all of a sudden? I feel like an entirely different person now.
I felt the same, hated being back , felt stressed and tired and she was finding it hard at nursery too bless her. I felt that I couldn't care less about work and had no joy in it. It's been about 3 months now and I'm about to plan to retrain and I feel more normal now and less manic about it all.

Definitely give yourself some time! It's good to have a job/career to give you time to be you and also money and a contingency plan/safety net!

BookFiend4Life · 05/01/2022 16:21

Hmm what about a nannyshare? That can be a huge savings. Another thing I negotiated was a 4 day work week (still 40 hours) so I get to have her all to myself one weekday each week. Does she have grandparents that might be interested in watch her at your home a day or two each week? Just trying to think of some ideas where you could work but get to see her/spend a bit more time with her.

CaptainChannel · 05/01/2022 16:28

Give yourself some time. It is hard at first. Do you work full time? If so, can you afford or is it possible to go part time?
Don't give everything up based on how you feel a couple of days in - you might find in future that you value working for a variety of reasons.
Hang on in there, it'll be okay in a while.

Jijithecat · 05/01/2022 16:40

If you celebrate Christmas you've also might have the post Christmas blues too, which will make it seem even worse. Plus things in the workplace can be a bit slow to start up again after Christmas.
Give yourself a bit of time.

Maddy456 · 05/01/2022 16:45

Oh bless you. There are lots of positives to your situation - you are continuing to work in your career, you are making money to help your family do nice things, it’s good to have some time away from baby for your own sanity, baby is interacting with others etc etc It’s going to be ok. If you’re still not happy in a couple of months you could look into increasing wfh days and/or reducing your days worked? X

Pippa12 · 05/01/2022 16:46

I was very career driven till I had children. After Mat leave I went part time and ticked along for 8 years. After that, I found my mojo again.

Is there any scope to reduce your hours if you haven’t already done so. I didn’t think I could initially, but we cut back on things and made it work. Credit were credit is due, my husband was amazingly supportive and understood my need to be at home although financially at times it cause some bum twitching Grin. I hope you’ve got same support Flowers

CityMumma78 · 05/01/2022 16:57

It’s normal and it will get better, you are just experiencing a period of readjustment. Whatever you do don’t walk away from your job!!! Tell your childminder to limit the status updates.

Abracadabra12345 · 05/01/2022 16:57

I felt exactly the same and surely it’s normal? Nature has designed you to want to stay and nurture your child so she’s doing a good job! It’s a huge wrench to leave your baby. How many hours / days do you do?

Back in the mists of time, I never did stop hating being away from my baby, and having to use weekends to prepare so I retrained / qualified as a childminder. I actually earned more money since there was no childcare / travel costs / working wardrobe. Children don’t need full time nursery to develop: toddler groups / part time preschool helps just as much, plus home-based care with the mindees.

I’ve never regretted that decision but everyone is different.

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