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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling so badly after return to work from mat leave?

65 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 05/01/2022 15:19

I just honestly can't be here. My heart is breaking and I need to be with my baby. I don't care about my career - I've worked all my life to be where I am now and I don't care about it. I'd happily walk away now and give it all up. I just so badly need to be near my baby, everything just hurts. I'm being sent updates by the person looking after her and it's making me want to cry seeing her little face. Is this normal?? When will this get easier? Please someone talk me out of walking out on my job. I need it. But I cannot cope with this horrendous feeling. 😞

OP posts:
FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 05/01/2022 17:00

Think carefully. From my experience, unless you're in a profession that's easy to re-enter after time out, you WILL regret it. You will be putting yourself (and therefore child) in a vulnerable position. Finding meaningful part time work is extremely difficult.

Can you reduce your hours instead?

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 17:02

@Sofiegiraffe

Thanks for the replies. Would you say it's normal to just not care about your career all of a sudden? I feel like an entirely different person now.
Oh yes! All of a sudden it was like.. why am I doing this! Took a good 2-3 months to get back into it after being off a year.
LowlandsAway · 05/01/2022 17:32

Took me about 2 months to get over it.

colourfulpuddles · 05/01/2022 17:41

YANBU. It’s totally normal because we shouldn’t just be merrily handing over our children for someone else to raise.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/01/2022 18:00

Could you maybe reduce hours or go part time? Can you afford to do that? It would seem a sensible compromise.

I never really had this too badly - I would have liked to have more time to do this with the kids pre school, and felt guilty (totally useless emotion) about not being able to, but didn’t have that painful need to be with them.

Sounds really rough - I’d say you’ll get through it when you see them doing well with the CM, and get used to being back.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/01/2022 18:00

It’s totally normal because we shouldn’t just be merrily handing over our children for someone else to raise.

This is a nasty and very judgy thing to say!

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 05/01/2022 18:06

@colourfulpuddles

YANBU. It’s totally normal because we shouldn’t just be merrily handing over our children for someone else to raise.

Well I'm definitely anything but merry when I hand her over - usually beside myself with tears. But thanks for this, it's added to my guilt nicely on a week when I'm already really, really struggling Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 05/01/2022 18:06

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Yes we are looking into me reducing my hours. I think this is the only way I'm going to manage.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 05/01/2022 18:07

Very normal. I cried more than once in the loos at work when I went back.

It got easier after a few months, by then I was pregnant again and knew i wasn't going back after that maternity leave ... not sure if that helped me lol

waterrat · 05/01/2022 18:19

It's tough going straight to a full day and being in work so the culture shock is part of it.

waterrat · 05/01/2022 18:23

Also can I counter the argument that its unnatural to leave your baby. I read a brilliant book about how humans evolved and lived fir thousands of years...a baby would have as many as 15 adults involved in caring for it. It's actually the modern lonely life if a mum focusing only on their baby fir a year or two that is unnatural. Of course its normal to miss your baby but its also normal and healthy for baby yo spend plenty of time with another caring adult while you do other things

My kids had an amazing relationship with their childminder

Devon1987 · 05/01/2022 18:34

@colourfulpuddles jog on. Some of us have to work, what a nasty thing to say.
Op it does get easier and it does take time. I couldn’t care about my job until about 4 months later. Now I have two DC ( 2nd one started at childminders two days ago), and I am so glad I kept my career.
Of course I missed DD’s little face and being with her all day. But I know she is having a lovely time and playing with other children. Plus the time I do spend with DC is now more precious.

Maray1967 · 05/01/2022 19:09

I was in a bad way when I went back full time after DS1 - hated it. I got through it but decided I wanted part time and went down to 3 days a few months later and that worked out well. But in his first term at nursery he never did a full fortnight at a time in any case - got so many colds and bugs so I was off with him a fair bit.
After DS2 I couldn’t wait to get back to work!
Give it a bit of time- you might feel differently then, but if you can, think about part time unless it will destroy promotion chances and that would bother you.

millymolls · 05/01/2022 19:11

Normal for many
With my first I cried for hours the night before I went back
Cried several times during the week
Worried so much about him while at work ( he was fine)
After a few weeks couldn’t wait to hand him over !!

Don’t be too hard on yourself. But I’d also advise not to make any hasty or rash decisions during what is a transition period and emotional upheaval.

Btw my two are teens now and went to full time nursery, breakfast, after school and holiday clubs. They had some amazing fun, made new friends, and are now smart, funny, kind, amazing teens who have not been harmed by this childhood and I don’t regret this decision.

Give yourself some time and don’t feel guilty

Rainartist · 05/01/2022 19:23

@Sofiegiraffe

Thanks for the replies. Would you say it's normal to just not care about your career all of a sudden? I feel like an entirely different person now.
I think it's normal not to care so much. I know for the first couple of years while mine were babies I just went in, did the job and came home. I still gave it my all when there (caring for patients and so reaching students) but when I was home, I stopped thinking about it. I didn't do extra shifts, I didn't go for promotions etc as it just didn't seem important anymore.

BUT I'm glad I didn't give it up completely my dc are approaching their teens now and I've done a training course, got promoted and am back to giving over and above to a certain extent again. The kids still come first but I can see a time in the all to near future when they don't need me and I'll need something for me Sad

Its your second day it will feel strange and horrible and you won't be alone in weeping in the car after drop off etc like many a new mum. Go easy on yourself it will be easier to manage soon.

Also, consider as your child gets older and maybe more come along you may find solace in the "work you", a person with knowledge, responsibility and skills other than being an expert in cbeebies and knowing what colour plate to give your toddler and being "muuuuuummmm" to a whiny demanding schoolchild, nevermind the absolute condescension of teens😭 Wink

Chasingaftermidnight · 05/01/2022 19:30

Day 2? Absolutely normal! As other posters have said you have options but I would strongly advise waiting at least 6-8 weeks before making any major changes.

But I do completely understand. It’s an almost physical pain.

Rainartist · 05/01/2022 19:34

Take no notice of @colourfulpuddlest they're being nasty and judgmental.

As pp said a modern mum is often lonely and without the support of extended families and neighbours/friends. Years ago people would have had all manner of people helping out and watching the children. During the war when women went out to work en masse it was often grandmother's and neighbours who watched the children.

My dc loved their nursery too, they do so many activities and meet other children and I think being part time and having nursery take some of the pressure off me (no one around to help me) made me a better mum in the long run as I had more patience with them on my off days and work was a time I felt like I was a independent professional.

She is still young too, it's early days for both of you x

tarasmalatarocks · 05/01/2022 19:40

Having been a nanny for a short period I would also say I think the mum whose children (including an 8!month old) that I looked after would have actually coped a little better without constant updates etc ( these were asked for by her not initiated by me) — i think it’s really hard in the first 18 months and ideally works better if you can do 3 days a week at that time— you might not be much worse off when you factor in child care/travel/tax etc

Metabigot · 05/01/2022 20:02

@Sofiegiraffe

Thanks for the replies. Would you say it's normal to just not care about your career all of a sudden? I feel like an entirely different person now.
Yeah.. but if you are like me as they get bigger you will care for a career again and regret taking your foot off the gas.

Having said that now I have my career back 8 years later I'm glad I had some time out/part time/family friendly work. It was bloody hard getting back to where I had left off though.

polexiaaphrodesia · 05/01/2022 20:24

Oh OP, I felt exactly the same going back to work after DS. I remember dropping him at nursery and crying on the drive to work. In fact I cried a few times over the first few weeks as he was ill and DH looked after him rather than me, because I felt like my brain didn't work in the same way any more and I couldn't keep up with how my job had changed in the time I'd been away and because I missed being with him all the time. It is completely normal.

It was a really tough time and I seriously considered jacking work in but gradually we all got used to the new routine, I started to enjoy having conversations that weren't about the baby and having the opportunity to do something different with my brain. It also meant that DH had to step up and take on more day to day responsibilities which strengthened their bond.

When I went back to work after having DD I made sure that I had done a couple of full days with her in nursery while I did something distracting that was "nice" rather than work - went into town to look round the shops, had my hair cut and had lunch with DH so it wasn't the same as DS having his first full day at nursery coinciding with my first full day at work. I also used my KIT days to do a 2 day week the first week, then a 3 day week etc to ease myself back into the routine.

I agree with previous posters above who say to give it a couple of months. Book some time off now so you have something to look forward to in the next few months and look after yourself.

Hankunamatata · 05/01/2022 20:29

OP after 6 months i was skipping into work, enjoying hot coffee and blissful toilet break alone.

pollyparrot45 · 05/01/2022 20:40

Well I returned at 14 months. He's two now. I still hate being away from him. I miss him so much it actually hurts & I'm honestly at peace as soon as we're back together.

I've got used to it & we cope out of necessity. I make the most of our time together & following a promotion I've recently reduced my hours without losing money. This helps as feels a better balance.

SkyDragon · 05/01/2022 20:44

I feel you OP. If you can get by on one salary I massively advocate chucking it in and just being a mum for the first few years. I did this because I couldn't bring myself to leave my baby. For what it's worth, I went back to a different career when he was 4 and went to school and am now happier than I've ever been.

Prettypennies · 05/01/2022 20:52

I can sympathise OP, I used to get through those early days thinking about how I’m going to improve my child’s life by bringing home more money and being a good role model for my child.

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 20:57

@SkyDragon

I feel you OP. If you can get by on one salary I massively advocate chucking it in and just being a mum for the first few years. I did this because I couldn't bring myself to leave my baby. For what it's worth, I went back to a different career when he was 4 and went to school and am now happier than I've ever been.
I massively advocate having at least a part time job. You never know when you will need the extra money.