To be struggling so badly after return to work from mat leave?

[Sofiegiraffe]

I just honestly can't be here. My heart is breaking and I need to be with my baby. I don't care about my career - I've worked all my life to be where I am now and I don't care about it. I'd happily walk away now and give it all up. I just so badly need to be near my baby, everything just hurts. I'm being sent updates by the person looking after her and it's making me want to cry seeing her little face. Is this normal?? When will this get easier? Please someone talk me out of walking out on my job. I need it. But I cannot cope with this horrendous feeling. 😞

I don’t think the constant updates help to be honest. Maybe one at lunchtime so you’re already half way through the day and another as you’re about to head home and ask her to keep them factual i.e ‘Daisy ate all of her breakfast, we went to the park and shes having a nap’ rather than ‘look at this video of Daisy giggling and covered in dough whilst I bake, adorable!!xxx’.

I don’t think constant ‘wish you were here’ messages of any type be it friends sending holiday updates or your childminder at home having fun with your loved ones would make anyone happy sat at a desk in early Jan to be fair.

I do think you can also be a good role model by staying at home and looking after your young children.. Absolutely no offence to anyone who works outside the home. But we can all be good role models in different ways.

I was like this. The only thing that helped was my hubby did the drop off (so I didn't see the crying) and I did the pick up in the evenings. I preferred that as I struggled getting ready and then doing drop off and the crying was too much. Too much guilt. Pick ups are easier, if you are sharing xx hang in there, it gets better. Treat yourself to some "you time" on your lunch break. Get a nice meal or have a peaceful walk, make lists etc to help you settle your mind. Xx

I never got used to it with DD - and neither did she.

I threw in the towel after 6 months and became a SAHM for a few years and retrained as a Teaching Assistant. That was great while DC were at Primary School bur awful pay.

I've never regretted giving up my career. It was altogether too time consuming. Fine when it was just me but not when i had better things to do.

And just to say, staying in work does help:

1. you continue getting experience and thus your salary will continue to improve
2. your pension pot keeps getting bigger while you are in work
3. you learn to multi task and can afford to outsource other things such as cleaning/gardening
4. you keep your independence (in case things go pear shaped you will always have your experience and income and not dependent on a man)

Kids get bigger and want things and do things. The additional money will help them do

1. extra curricular activities which will build their confidence
2. give them experiences such as nice holidays you wouldn't otherwise be able to do
3. they want more expensive things as they get older so having additional income / or saving for uni will help! Xx

I took a full year off and was 12 weeks pregnant when I went back! So that made it easier as I knew I was only there for 6 months and only 3 days a week otherwise I would have felt exactly like you do.
When I knew I was going back the 2nd time I was a mess as I knew I was going back for good but the only thing that kept me sane was knowing I was 3 days a week. I really didn't want to go back I dreaded it but have to say now they are 2 and nearly 4 I love work and am so glad I did go back as I really enjoy.

I think they way your feeling is really normal. All you can do is try longer and if it's really not working try and negotiate working from home some days a week.

Probably normal. Been there done that. I managed 3 years then quit completely. I would rather be with my dc. They're 8 now. I work pt and study now instead but I have zero inclination to return to ft work and anyone that knew me before having dc would have always said I'd never give up, my career was my life. I'm glad it isn't my life anymore.
Good luck OP you'll find your way, definitely stick it out longer to give the choice a chance though.

You do get used to it after a while, hang in there

OP, how do you feel now if you don’t mind me asking? I’m about ten days into being back 4 days a week into a very stressful professional job. I have about 40 minutes total a day with my DD (20 mins to breastfeed in the morning before work and 20 mins breastfeed before bed). I then log back in and do work. Today is my non working day and I had to work until 9.30pm last night to try and get things done that I otherwise would have been doing tomorrow. It’s all too much - I miss my DD terribly and she clings to me screaming when I hand her to anyone now. She doesn’t know if she will see me again in 5 minutes or in 10 hours. I just don’t think I can go on like this

I really feel for you.
I found that when my son was 8,9 & 10, 11 months old the idea of leaving them deeply upset me. I would cry at the thought of going back to work.
Then 2 things happened..
1- at about 12montha he just felt more robust and my worries about leaving him dissipated. I can’t quite explain it but I think, for me, something which was very chemical (my drive to be very physically close) just eased up a bit. I went from being highly emotional about it to just feeling more peaceful. I put my son in at 12montgw and couldn’t believe I was distraught. I just felt more ready as did he. I appreciate your child is 8months. In the next 4-6 months they will change dramatically, and with that you will evolve too.
2- it helped massively when I saw how happy my son was at childminders. They had other children there and I saw my son loved socialising. It felt like I was doing the right thing - that helped massively too

Oh. Just realised it’s an old thread.

@whateverintheworld that sounds so hard.
Would it be better to do 4 days spread over 5 if possible? Could you wfh more? So that you just do 9-3pm or something? I appreciate the desire to have a whole clear day but would shorter days make you both happier.

Thanks @Thinking2041 - my job just doesn’t work for less hours/days unfortunately :( It’s a 24/7 culture and in doing a 4 day week and having an hour off to get home and do bed before logging back on later in the evening I am considered very lucky and an outlier. I think the career is probably the issue here. My daughter is 12.5 months. We had bad separation anxiety at 8/9 months and then it dissipated but now I’m back at work it’s back more badly than ever! She’s always been a Velcro baby and I think it’s just all too much for her. She’s an amazing sleeper at home doing 3 hours naps a day and she gets about 1hr a day at nursery so is totally exhausted and wired all the time at home. I think I’m very likely to become a SAHM for a few years - this just all sits with me so badly

@whateverintheworld

OP, how do you feel now if you don’t mind me asking? I’m about ten days into being back 4 days a week into a very stressful professional job. I have about 40 minutes total a day with my DD (20 mins to breastfeed in the morning before work and 20 mins breastfeed before bed). I then log back in and do work. Today is my non working day and I had to work until 9.30pm last night to try and get things done that I otherwise would have been doing tomorrow. It’s all too much - I miss my DD terribly and she clings to me screaming when I hand her to anyone now. She doesn’t know if she will see me again in 5 minutes or in 10 hours. I just don’t think I can go on like this

Please look for a new job it doesn't have to be like this.

I always thought I’d take maximum mat. leave and consider going part-time, but after DC was born I realised I couldn’t wait to get back to full-time work!
(Note, this doesn’t make me an inferior parent and neither do I love my children less).

These things affect people in different and unpredictable ways. That said, I think jacking in your career is foolish. The baby won’t be a baby for long and in a few years will have to go into compulsory education anyway. You’ll be kicking yourself then, especially if your relationship fails or your OH can’t work.

@whateverintheworld are you a solicitor by any chance?