Page 4 | My Father in Law

Isitjustme123 · 2022-01-05T15:04:02+00:00

Hi All I just wanted to ask and get others thoughts on this really. I am a woman in a relationship with my partner, also a woman of three years. She is an only child and VERY close to her mum and dad. Its very hard to say anything as he can certainly do no wrong. Like a sheep at times. On New Years Eve however my mum in law sadly passed away and my partner is naturally devastated. My father in law used to give me a kiss on the cheek and vice versa, as you do upon greeting him. Since my mum in laws sad passing he is now saying ohh none of this kissing on the cheek malarkey and kisses me on the lips and I do not like it, at all. I never kissed my own father on the lips never mind my father in law! I don't want to upset my partner at any time but especially at the moment by saying anything but I want it to stop. I have dodged it every time and gone to kiss on the cheek and that's when he says it and kisses me on the lips. I cringe.I dread going round now and it cannot carry on but don't want to upset anyone. Can anyone advise the best way to deal with this? Thanks

SeasonFinale · 06/01/2022 12:35

Just say a straight No. Inappropriate. Every single time. Personally ai would say loudly inappropriate when he leaves his hands on his Dd's bum too and say she's your daughter nit X (insert wife's name).

tara66 · 06/01/2022 12:41

Why are you not keeping your mask on anyway?
Do you think the shock of wife dying could have triggered something like alzheimer's ?

girlmom21 · 06/01/2022 12:49

@tara66

Why are you not keeping your mask on anyway? Do you think the shock of wife dying could have triggered something like alzheimer's ?

Are you wearing a mask when visiting relatives?

Nanny0gg · 06/01/2022 12:57

@Isitjustme123

I am going with this and won't speak with my partner as I don't want to upset her anymore than she is already. And yes I will definitely say naaw the cheek is fine and turn away, that gets the message I think and if not I will have to be ore blunt. I think I will give the benefit of the doubt but not for long! More I think about it the more it annoys me!

He's a creep. On every level

mangoontoast · 06/01/2022 13:54

@Isitjustme123

Well, I will be seeing him tomorrow and will report back. After the support and posts on here I am feeling rather bullish in my approach!

Any advice on the dad this and dad that thing would also be helpful without sounding like an insensitive bitch at the moment!
Its all a bit of a struggle to be honest, since she same back from living there for 6 weeks to care for her mum she hasn't really cuddled me in bed and just turns over and has already said she doesn't want any intimacy just in case I was thinking of it. I get that her mum has just died but I feel a bit of a spare part at the moment. Suppose I sound really selfish.

Yes you really, really do. I totally agree that the mouth kissing is inappropriate, but your partner having a relationship with her dad and them leaning on each other SIX DAYS after her mum died is not inappropriate and you are being quite nasty trying to suggest it is.

2catsandhappy · 06/01/2022 14:02

Keep your mask on, put your hand up and say 'no'. Step back if he advances forward. Any old chat back, repeat, 'no kissing.'
Sympathies op, it all sounds awkward.

ChargingBuck · 06/01/2022 14:10

Yes you really, really do. I totally agree that the mouth kissing is inappropriate, but your partner having a relationship with her dad and them leaning on each other SIX DAYS after her mum died is not inappropriate and you are being quite nasty trying to suggest it is

You think that a father groping his daughter's arse isn't inappropriate, @mangoontoast?

OP isn't being selfish to have feelings about the strain her partner's mother's illness has put on the family, & her own relationship. It's not nasty of her to feel dismayed that her partner is going to be focused on a man who makes her uncomfortable, for the forseeable future. It's only human to feel sad for the partner, but also sad for herself - nobody is such a saint in real life, & it's fine for OP to be honest - on an anonymous forum! - about feeling challenged as to how she is going to deal with it.

mangoontoast · 06/01/2022 14:28

@ChargingBuck

Yes you really, really do. I totally agree that the mouth kissing is inappropriate, but your partner having a relationship with her dad and them leaning on each other SIX DAYS after her mum died is not inappropriate and you are being quite nasty trying to suggest it is

You think that a father groping his daughter's arse isn't inappropriate, @mangoontoast?

OP isn't being selfish to have feelings about the strain her partner's mother's illness has put on the family, & her own relationship. It's not nasty of her to feel dismayed that her partner is going to be focused on a man who makes her uncomfortable, for the forseeable future. It's only human to feel sad for the partner, but also sad for herself - nobody is such a saint in real life, & it's fine for OP to be honest - on an anonymous forum! - about feeling challenged as to how she is going to deal with it.

What an amazing reach that was!

I quite clearly wasn't referencing that so get off your high horse, or do you want to accuse me of other stuff that I didn't mention?

The post I was responding to was the OP moaning that her partner talks about her dad and doesn't want to be intimate in bed... I stick to what I said. She's being selfish (this does not pertain to the mouth kissing/groping/any other sexual behaviour not referenced)

ChargingBuck · 06/01/2022 15:51

Not reaching whatsoever @mangoontoast - you made a blanket statement saying but your partner having a relationship with her dad and them leaning on each other SIX DAYS after her mum died is not inappropriate when there is clear evidence of inappropriate behaviour.
So you obviously felt the bum-groping is fine, & not inappropriate - as it's hardly a minor point PP can miss, is it?

She's being selfish
Rubbish.
OP is being a human, worried about the direction of her relationship.
She's accepting her partner's lack of desire for intimacy - but she's allowed to feel sad about it.

BellaChagall · 06/01/2022 18:45

Mangoontoast I agree in relation to OP's partner. The woman only lost her mum 6 days ago. She needs to be able to grieve in the way best for her. It's raw and intimacy may feel too much.

mangoontoast · 06/01/2022 19:46

@ChargingBuck

Not reaching whatsoever *@mangoontoast - you made a blanket statement saying but your partner having a relationship with her dad and them leaning on each other SIX DAYS after her mum died is not inappropriate* when there is clear evidence of inappropriate behaviour. So you obviously felt the bum-groping is fine, & not inappropriate - as it's hardly a minor point PP can miss, is it?

She's being selfish
Rubbish.
OP is being a human, worried about the direction of her relationship.
She's accepting her partner's lack of desire for intimacy - but she's allowed to feel sad about it.

Yes, of course, I must feel the bum groping is fine as I didn't specifically mention it.

SIX DAYS

IncompleteSenten · 06/01/2022 21:35

Yeah. He's working through the 6 stages of grief. denial, anger, grope your daughter's arse, bargaining, depression and acceptance

Original poster

Isitjustme123 · 07/01/2022 12:11

I do worry about my relationship of course I do, sometimes even when MIL was well it was very dad this and dad that and I just don't want it it get any worse.

Its early days as alot have said and I will deal with it over time and see how we go. He will be dealt with today though about the kissing thing. I did speak with my partner briefly last night I managed to get a comment in without a big deal and she said yes I will tell him so she does realise and does not think its right either or she does not like it either way so I wasn't on my own. she has alot on.I was wary of upsetting her but seems she has clocked it.

We will sort it today.

Charging buck thanks for your understanding. I just love my partner to bits and its been a real struggle for nearly two years now with looking after her family and I have been FULLY supportive of that. I just want us all to have some peace and to have my relationship back again.

OP posts:

faithfulbird20 · 09/01/2022 04:51

Just from my previous comment. Could there be signs your partner was abused by him as a child? It's now like wife's dead I can do what I want but what if as a child it was wife's gone out I can do what I want. It's not normal a dad having his hand on his daughters bum. Really really inappropriate.

Original poster

Isitjustme123 · 10/01/2022 09:34

Hi All

Thanks for the messages. Charging buck and thank you in particular as yes I do feel upset and miss my partner naturally in the intimate sense but I do understand she is grieving am just struggling with the feeling of no contact at all hardly not even a cuddle and just feeling like I am on the outside looking in. I just miss her and it is never talked about and as selfish as this really sounds wonder how long I will have to miss her for. We haven't been intimate now for some months so naturally I feel this way. And I do worry the strain all of this is having on us. But I am not that selfish as to mention it I just get on with it but I am only human and do wonder when she might feel that way again. This is why I wanted to just talk here.

We are going to try IVF again in a few weeks as we have an embryo that's only got until the end of March and then they will destroy it after a year and that's worrying me as well as were hardly in a relationship at the moment in many ways. I guess a part of me then thinks but she has the muster for that but not to be close to me. And there just so much going on!

Anyway, in regards to the FIL I gave him a wide berth yesterday altogether and didn't even give him a peck and the day before swerved him completely. I am bordering being cross now especially after my partner even said she would speak to him as she obviously noticed and didn't think it appropriate either but her heads been in another place to be fair .So I think if he hasn't got the message then if he does it again he will and very bluntly.

Anyway this will make you laugh , we were chatting yesterday my partner and I an mentioned we might move house in the future get something fresh and upgrade a bit, long story short, FIL says well maybe I could sell this and get something big together if you could do with a grumpy old man and housekeeper (trying to make a joke) I just said , not a chance I am not living with my in laws and that's that! My partner silently agreed! she said nothing! F*s sake not a chance in hell!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Isitjustme123 · 31/01/2022 11:17

Late update!

Things have settled a bit , I dodged the FIL and a week ago he said AGAIN after leaving off for a while , oh none of this bloody French kissing on cheek nonsense, instantly my partner wades in and loudly goes No dad not on the lips! No.. I spoke to her and she apologised and felt very embarrassed. So that's put paid to that.

Thank you for your kind words especially buck and for listening and let me blow off steam.

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 31/01/2022 12:14

ha ha, the simple power of assertion pays off!

(Simple, but sometimes not ... easy)
Well done OP :)

We'll have you escalating to a swift kick to the knackers in no time.