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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Father in Law

92 replies

Isitjustme123 · 05/01/2022 15:04

Hi All

I just wanted to ask and get others thoughts on this really.

I am a woman in a relationship with my partner, also a woman of three years. She is an only child and VERY close to her mum and dad. Its very hard to say anything as he can certainly do no wrong. Like a sheep at times.

On New Years Eve however my mum in law sadly passed away and my partner is naturally devastated. My father in law used to give me a kiss on the cheek and vice versa, as you do upon greeting him.

Since my mum in laws sad passing he is now saying ohh none of this kissing on the cheek malarkey and kisses me on the lips and I do not like it, at all. I never kissed my own father on the lips never mind my father in law! I don't want to upset my partner at any time but especially at the moment by saying anything but I want it to stop.

I have dodged it every time and gone to kiss on the cheek and that's when he says it and kisses me on the lips. I cringe.I dread going round now and it cannot carry on but don't want to upset anyone.

Can anyone advise the best way to deal with this?

Thanks

OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 05/01/2022 18:21

And it really doesn't matter if his intention IS 100% benign and innocent and brought about because he sees you in a daughterly way; it's still not acceptable and you don't want it.

GrannyGoggles · 05/01/2022 18:22

Look him straight in the eye and say ‘No.’

If he persists, repeat.

No explanation or justification required. Just ‘No.’

butterpuffed · 05/01/2022 19:05

Your 'FIL' has started acting inappropriately and weirdly, your partner has started watching programmes he does and talks about him constantly, 'he says this, he says that'.

This has all happened in the FIVE days since your 'MIL' died. Bereavement does affect everyone differently but it's very odd that they've both had a personality transplant.

Be blunt with him and tell him you don't like it. Bear with your partner and see how it goes.

Beautiful3 · 05/01/2022 19:13

Just turn your cheek. If he asks why, say, I dont like it, stop trying to kiss me on the mouth. Set a good example for your children, so they know they can say the same.

KatyRebecca84 · 05/01/2022 19:16

The fact he said it after his wife died shows he’s doing it in an inappropriate way. Also, you do not touch your children on the bum when cuddling… he sounds like real pervert.
Sorry but I wouldn’t care about timing, I’d tell your partner you’re not ok with it and if she is, then get rid!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/01/2022 19:21

“No, not for me. I don’t do mouth kissing” and move on.

This. Said very clearly to him, not to her behind his back. Repeat every time and don’t be shaken.

I remember my mum having to be clear about this to my grandfather which is a bit disturbing!

Chely · 05/01/2022 19:23

Be blunt and tell him it is not appropriate behaviour.

I hate hugs and cheek kisses from the inlaws, I don't do that rubbish with my own parents.

workingtheusername · 05/01/2022 21:03

Be clear. Say "I don't kiss people on the mouth". It's ok to state your boundaries. I only kiss my oh and lo on mouth and would not want to kiss anyone else there. It's possible it's a grief thing or the family are very tactile but that doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2022 21:06

He sticks his hands on her bum? Hmm

LethargicActress · 05/01/2022 21:14

I have all the sympathy in the world for someone who lost their spouse a few days ago, but that’s just plain weird.

When you have to say ‘no, just the cheek’ next time, make sure you do it loudly and assertively enough that he gets the message that you’re serious and doesn’t take it as an opportunity to push the boundary even more. Be prepared for it to be awkward, and have something ready to say to move the greeting/goodbye along quickly afterward.

Dontbeme · 05/01/2022 21:18

"When you do that it makes me uncomfortable" and swerve him. No hugs, no cheek turning, no placating with a hug instead, just "When you do that it makes me uncomfortable" every time.

GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 05/01/2022 21:32

Don’t let it continue, say no, any normal person doesn’t want to kiss someone who says “I don’t do mouth kissing” or “that makes me uncomfortable”, even if he is bereaved.
Your partner won’t want you to kiss people against your comfort/wishes. You are probably going to hear and see a lot more of him now your MIL has died.

Shedmistress · 05/01/2022 21:42

@Dontbeme

"When you do that it makes me uncomfortable" and swerve him. No hugs, no cheek turning, no placating with a hug instead, just "When you do that it makes me uncomfortable" every time.
I'm guessing the uncomfortableness is part of the enjoyment. Never say this, he'll just get worse.
Rightshoardingsaurus · 06/01/2022 00:10

He sounds like a pervy letch who is exploiting the situation.

Italiangreyhound · 06/01/2022 01:01

Just say No and move away. Don't indulge him in any excuses or comments. This is 100% wrong and he needs to know that.

Original poster
Isitjustme123 · 06/01/2022 10:00

I am going with this and won't speak with my partner as I don't want to upset her anymore than she is already. And yes I will definitely say naaw the cheek is fine and turn away, that gets the message I think and if not I will have to be ore blunt. I think I will give the benefit of the doubt but not for long! More I think about it the more it annoys me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme123 · 06/01/2022 10:03

Exactly this ...he isn't a perve at all don't get me wrong but see how anyone could mistake this but it is unwanted as innocent as it is as it makes me feel very uneasy.

OP posts:
OakRowan · 06/01/2022 10:04

Oh come on OP, YABU to let him anywhere near you and your daughter, he touches his own daughter intimately when he kisses her while you all watch and he will start to the same on you and then your own child, he's already being deeply inappropriate in front of an audience which he enjoys. Never let him touch you again and keep your daughter away from him, he is revolting. Haven't you got any boundaries at all, his behaviour isn't ok, or normal, he's liberated by the death of his wife to take what he wants from the women and his around him. Run a fuckinh mile.

Original poster
Isitjustme123 · 06/01/2022 10:14

Fortunately I work all week and don't go up but will see him at the weekend no doubt and will say then but hopefully he gets the message when AGAIN he gets the peck on the cheek! If not I will say No I don't even kiss XXX on the lips all the time so cheeks fine! and in front of her!

I am going to have a struggle I think as its going to be like having him in our relationship, already she is talking about when we go away to places he can come with us and I am like err no can we need to have some time on our own. And I WFH but I can get away and I don't want her going up there everyday , I have said she needs to start living her own life a bit now now. All last year we were taking care of things and everything revolved around it all and as selfish as it sounds I just want my partner back now and have some of our time.

She promised her mum she would look after him but he is an ex copper with lots of chat and this and that and he can look after himself but she mothers him, does my head in. To be fair it gets on his nerves too but then at times he can't seem to sort out a fart in a culindar.

I will see how this goes and if I have to be blunt with her I will have to as I am not having a relationship with him as well! I don't put people in positions where they have to feel like they have to please their partners and their parents and I don't think I come first but there's a line to be drawn is there not?

OP posts:
Mybestyear · 06/01/2022 10:18

@faithfulbird20

He sounds like a sex pest. Could be abusive. Behaviour would be seen as harassment/abuse. They're warning signs for a reason.
This ^^. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Wear a mask until you can broach this with your partner. You may need to go NC. Horrible situation.
Branleuse · 06/01/2022 10:20

Tell him that in your family, kissing on the lips is for lovers, not family or friends, so you dont want to kiss him on the lips for that reason, so can we put a stop to this

LittleMG · 06/01/2022 10:27

Hi Op this is definitely not ok. I would say ‘oh I’m sorry dude I just don’t like it’ right out in front of them both then laugh and shrug. Then you’ve made your preferences clear. That would make me sick!

LittleMG · 06/01/2022 10:28

I wouldn’t say anything to partner nip it in the bud with him in front of her.

Original poster
Isitjustme123 · 06/01/2022 11:20

Well, I will be seeing him tomorrow and will report back. After the support and posts on here I am feeling rather bullish in my approach!

Any advice on the dad this and dad that thing would also be helpful without sounding like an insensitive bitch at the moment!
Its all a bit of a struggle to be honest, since she same back from living there for 6 weeks to care for her mum she hasn't really cuddled me in bed and just turns over and has already said she doesn't want any intimacy just in case I was thinking of it. I get that her mum has just died but I feel a bit of a spare part at the moment. Suppose I sound really selfish.

OP posts:
OakRowan · 06/01/2022 12:06

She is grieving OP, that's normal and reasonable, he's just a perve, support her but raise your boundaries a mile high around him and your daughter.