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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Father in Law

92 replies

Isitjustme123 · 05/01/2022 15:04

Hi All

I just wanted to ask and get others thoughts on this really.

I am a woman in a relationship with my partner, also a woman of three years. She is an only child and VERY close to her mum and dad. Its very hard to say anything as he can certainly do no wrong. Like a sheep at times.

On New Years Eve however my mum in law sadly passed away and my partner is naturally devastated. My father in law used to give me a kiss on the cheek and vice versa, as you do upon greeting him.

Since my mum in laws sad passing he is now saying ohh none of this kissing on the cheek malarkey and kisses me on the lips and I do not like it, at all. I never kissed my own father on the lips never mind my father in law! I don't want to upset my partner at any time but especially at the moment by saying anything but I want it to stop.

I have dodged it every time and gone to kiss on the cheek and that's when he says it and kisses me on the lips. I cringe.I dread going round now and it cannot carry on but don't want to upset anyone.

Can anyone advise the best way to deal with this?

Thanks

OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 05/01/2022 16:22

In view of the fact he puts his hands on his own daughter's bum, I can't help thinking that if you don't nip the kissing the bud it will evolve to more inappropriate bodily touching and interaction.

You say he's forced you into it after you've gone to kiss his cheek so he knows full well you don't really want to but he persists.

I don't think subtle will do it - I think you need to be firm and direct.

chineybumps · 05/01/2022 16:24

@BlingLoving

Your MIL died 5 days ago and he's now kissing you on the mouth every time you see him? Im' going to be charitable and wonder if there's some kind of weird shock reaction that's causing this?

Having said that, there's no need to put up with it. As you go in, just say no. You can be friendly and you can laugh about it if you want, but you don't have to do it.
"no no FIL, I don't do mouth kissing except with DP"
"haha, not a chance - here, let me give you a hug".

Or just say, "No, I don't like that" if you want to be more direct.

It's really as simple as this. Just speak up, I don't see why that's so hard or why you have to talk to your partner about it either
SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 16:27

What??🤯

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/01/2022 16:32

While I'd try and be understanding of someones behaviour after a bereavement, that does not go as far as ignoring my own bodily autonomy. It's never ok to kiss someone on the lips when they dont want to be, and perfectly fine to say no thanks I dont like that, whether they are grieving or not.

WaltzingToWalsingham · 05/01/2022 16:33

Shamelessly posting for the deletion message Grin

Shedmistress · 05/01/2022 16:35

Even in France they haven't restarted the cheek kissing yet, so I'd be incined to keep to covid safe fist bumps. For sure.

Blossomtoes · 05/01/2022 16:36

@Mrsjayy

She is clearly close to her dad might be a problem for you In the future but to be fair her mum has only been dead less than a week so you might need to just bear the dad this n that for a while yet.
This. It’s going to be all about him for a while. The only person I ever kiss on the mouth is my husband. Just tell him not to do it.
LadyOfTheFlowers · 05/01/2022 16:36

A la covid rules, just fist bump him in the face

BellaChagall · 05/01/2022 16:38

She died 5 days ago? And he's doing this?

Fuckitydoodah · 05/01/2022 16:38

Hmmmm

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 05/01/2022 16:39
Hmm
Original poster
Isitjustme123 · 05/01/2022 17:13

I appreciate all your replies. He just needs to understand that I am his daughters fiancé! I am not kissing him on the lips.

Its when he says "Oh none of this bollox kissing on the cheek were family"!, I am his daughter in law it doesn't just change when MIL passes away.! I will say no the cheek is just fine and make it clear!

Oh it drives me nuts, She now watches programmes he does or its dads says this or dad says that! arrrghhh..Or there's noone he doesn't know blah blah...

He is harmless just obviously has a close relationship with his only child and that's ok, but it crosses lines for me. Problem is my partner treats him like a 5 yr old, but now for the first time in a very long time we can have our relationship back so I feel its going to be a test!

I will just say no the cheek is fine thanks and brush it off.. I could go on...................

OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 05/01/2022 17:42

"We're family" so we kiss on the lips.

That's the worrying thing - in his family it's ok not only to kiss his daughter on the lips but put his hands on her bum while he's doing it.

As you say OP, say no!! Good luck.

ProudThrilledHappy · 05/01/2022 17:43

Creepy

HermioneWeasley · 05/01/2022 17:47

I wouldn’t be rushing to marry into this family TBH. I’d give it some time and see how it settles down and whether the dynamic with your FIL is something you want in your life for the rest of his life.

Motnight · 05/01/2022 17:51

My husband has a close relationship with our daughter. This has never involved touching her bum or kissing her on the lips. Don't count your fil's physical gestures as evidence of closeness Op. It's evidence of inappropriate behaviour.

SommerTen · 05/01/2022 17:51

Just say No, family can only kiss me on the cheek not on the lips.

Be assertive & firm, don't be a doormat.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/01/2022 17:58

Eeewwwh YUK
tell him very directly, proffer a hand for a handshake or fist bump if you must, don't get anywhere near close enough get a hug.

Horsemad · 05/01/2022 18:05

He is harmless just obviously has a close relationship with his only child and that's ok, but it crosses lines for me. Problem is my partner treats him like a 5 yr old, but now for the first time in a very long time we can have our relationship back so I feel its going to be a test!

Actually I think you most likely can't have your relationship back. This sounds very much like he's going to be a major part of your life for the foreseeable...

ChargingBuck · 05/01/2022 18:12

Can anyone advise the best way to deal with this?

Yes. Next time he launches himself at you, hold up your hand & say loudly & clearly "don't kiss me, I don't like it."

The other circumstances, sad as they are, & devastated as your partner is, are irrelevant to the fact that you ae being sexually harassed. Try to remember that when social embarrassment prevents you from calling out his behaviour.

You do not have to give reasons for not wanting to be kissed. You also don't need to ask for permission not to be touched. "It's intrusive & I don't like it" is all you need say.

If he ignores your request, or causes a scene, or tries to humiliate or hector you into compliance - leave. Unless you draw an uncrossable line in the sand on this, you'll be posting again in a fortnight about how he's now groping you & you are too embarrassed to say anything.
Stand up for yourself!

FrankGrillosWrist · 05/01/2022 18:14

An elderly neighbour attempted to kiss me on the cheek after his wife died, I was repulsed & stepped away from him. He didn’t try it again, so he either got the message or it could’ve been his state of mind after his wife died🤔 Tell him straight otherwise it will only get worse.

ChargingBuck · 05/01/2022 18:18

Well I don't like it when he hugs her and then he has his hands on her bum, I think that's just me

Jeeze. A father gropes his own child's arse & you wonder if "it's just you"? WTF is wrong with your boundaries?
He's a filthy old sex pest. How is your partner stomaching this - is she simply desensitised to how grossly inappropriate it is?
Have NO compunction in telling him where to get off!

Anyway, I will have to pick my time to say anything to her but I know when he does it I will just turn my head then? And say something subtle? Like? Just the cheek is fine , I didn't even kiss my own dad on the lips.

You do not need to pick your time, & you do not need to be subtle.
Call it out in the moment. "Stop trying to kiss me, I don't like it."

I'd also be calling him out on groping his DD's arse, frankly, but let's deal with one thing at a time ...

SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 18:19

Is it a thing for some men to suddenly want to kiss a woman after their wives die - you know, for grieving sake?

I don't get that reasoning. Seems suspect to me.

@ChargingBuck Totally agree!

SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 18:20

Agree with both posts now. Crossposted and meant the first one at the time.

faithfulbird20 · 05/01/2022 18:21

He sounds like a sex pest. Could be abusive. Behaviour would be seen as harassment/abuse. They're warning signs for a reason.

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