4 friends pregnant in a year, feel pressured

Letthebodieshitthefloor · 2022-01-05T07:31:06+00:00

We're all 30/31 and 4 friends and acquaintances have announced their pregnancy (and given birth in one case) within the space of a year. I am pleased for them, but I suppose it's made me think about my own fertility, despite the fact that I am totally on the fence about wanting children. There have been comments from both my parents and in-laws about their desire for grandchildren I haven't always had the greatest mental health and worry that I could be at a higher risk for this during and after pregnancy. Moreover, I am just not ready. I enjoy my current life and I am not ready to alter this or take on more responsibility just yet. I am not sure I'm prepared to go through pregnancy after hearing some of my friends' experiences. I hear a lot of comments from friends about how they didn't want to be 'too old'. I wish I could just ignore this pressure, I am just totally undecided.

Moancup · 05/01/2022 07:37

You are not anywhere near approaching too old. Women’s fertility declines gradually during your 30s, not a cliff edge at 35.

Ignore pressure from friends and especially grandparents. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.

Friendship groups morph and shift. Right now it will feel like everyone is pregnant, in three years time childless friends and acquaintances might feel more prominent in your life.

I’ve always struggled with ambivalence about having children. At 37 an instinct kicked in and I’m now in first trimester but I still don’t feel sure tbh! I found counselling helpful to work out how I felt, but at 30/31 I was a looooong way away from wanting to properly explore the question.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 05/01/2022 07:37

If your undecided about having kids, I would say don't have them. Ignore rhe pressure qnd just enjoy life!

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 05/01/2022 07:39

Those sorts of comments are so awful - I am childfree by choice and had to put up with them throughout my 30s. Thankfully they stop when you hit middle age.

It's hard to ignore them but what you need to do is try to separate them mentally from your decision making. It would be madness to have children purely because you are being hassled about it by people who should be minding their own business.

If you are only 30/31 you have plenty of time to make a considered decision about this. It has to be what you want, and you have to feel ready for it and to be prepared for impacts on your mental health.

Importantly, you need to remember that it's absolutely fine to be child free if that's what you want. It's not up to your friends or societal expectations or your parents wanting to be grandparents. The only reason to have them is because you want to.

Roselilly36 · 05/01/2022 07:42

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

If your undecided about having kids, I would say don't have them. Ignore rhe pressure qnd just enjoy life!

This is very good advice.

Annaghgloor · 05/01/2022 07:46

Don’t rush into a decision to have children out of social pressure. It’s a big decision, and while being ambivalent in no way suggests you’re unsuited to parenthood, you should at least sit with it a bit longer and let things marinate. For what it’s worth, I had my son at 39. I would not have been ready any earlier.

LolaButt · 05/01/2022 07:48

Totally your choice! Have you considered freezing your eggs to give you options later on if you decide to have children?

SmallElephant · 05/01/2022 07:49

It's hard not to feel the social pressure, but try not to let it influence you. It's too big a decision to make just because everyone around you is doing it!

Summersdreaming · 05/01/2022 07:54

I understand as I'm the same age and there is a pregnancy announcement nearly every week. Don't be pressured, you have plenty of time to decide

PoleFairy · 05/01/2022 07:55

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you're right to feel some time pressure. If you think it's a possibility but just not now then I would get a fertility MOT so you know just how much time you have to work with and even if it's worth freezing your eggs. People are so quick to say 30/31 isnt old but it isnt when you are at your peak fertility and its declining every month (I say that as someone approaching their 31st birthday having been ttc for 6 months. I'm fit, I'm healthy and I have a regular period but so far I've had nothing close to a positive pregnancy test).

PoleFairy · 05/01/2022 07:57

I'd also like to add that I am you having made a different decision. Me and DH dont feel entirely ready for kids. We love our life now, we have a half renovated house and we enjoy our freedom but we are 30/31, married and have good jobs and feel it would be madness to put off any longer having children, I actually feel "old" as a would be mum already as my mum had me at 22 so that migt have something to do with how I'm approaching it.

godmum56 · 05/01/2022 08:04

tell the P's and inlaws to stop putting pressure on you....either say it nicely or less nicely but tell them. You say "I am not ready" and that's fine, but if you have in laws, then you have a spouse so what do that think? and lastly yes, if you don't feel ready then don't do it.

Isonthecase · 05/01/2022 08:11

Definitely don't make a decision based on other peoples pressure but maybe start having a proper think about what you want over the next couple of years? The only one who can (or should!) decide is you.

sheroku · 05/01/2022 08:11

One of my friends once said to me "you need to really want kids if you're going to have them" and I've taken that to heart. I enjoy being able to choose how involved I want to be in my nieces and nephews lives.

I completely understand that the pressure is intense though, especially in your thirties. I seem to spend my life at baby showers and am constantly asked about my decision. I'd recommend making some childfree friends if you can.

IDKAYBIF32 · 05/01/2022 08:15

YANBU.

A lot of people seem to rush into trying for a baby, without thinking about what it will be like to have a 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 etc year old.

Don't feel rushed into making any decisions because your friends are doing it.

Dontjudgeme101 · 05/01/2022 08:19

@PoleFairy

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you're right to feel some time pressure. If you think it's a possibility but just not now then I would get a fertility MOT so you know just how much time you have to work with and even if it's worth freezing your eggs. People are so quick to say 30/31 isnt old but it isnt when you are at your peak fertility and its declining every month (I say that as someone approaching their 31st birthday having been ttc for 6 months. I'm fit, I'm healthy and I have a regular period but so far I've had nothing close to a positive pregnancy test).

This is brilliant advice.

mycatistrans · 05/01/2022 08:21

My honest advice would be if you think you want them, start looking into it now. Fertility does decline in your thirties and if you wait five years you may struggle. That's the reality.

Jen123456789 · 05/01/2022 08:23

I had my son at 34 but we started talking about it at 31, started trying at 32, and had a couple of early pregnancy losses along the way. Do wait until you are ready. I had started a new career at 29 in which I was trying to qualify (and only did when I was 5 months pregnant). So at 31 I wasn’t ready. But it’s good to have a think about what you want to get out of life in the next five years so you can have a rough plan and straighten out your thoughts on whether you want children or not. You’ve still got plenty of time now so don’t panic, and try not to feel pressured by what everyone else is doing. Focus on your own goals in life!

Also for what it’s worth, I always worried that I would feel very depressed and lonely during maternity leave due to the isolating nature of it. Instead I found the anxiety during pregnancy hard due to the previous losses, but I absolutely love maternity leave and my mental health has been totally different to my (very low) expectations. But it’s good to be aware of what you may struggle with so you can put plans in place to mitigate that.

Try to enjoy this time and don’t get bogged down with other people’s lives. Your life will diverge with some friends and converge with others as time goes on, but that’s ok!

furbabymama87 · 05/01/2022 08:26

If you've got to your 30s and still unsure about kids, don't have them. I had finished having babies by late 20s which I know is probably unusual to some, but personally I think if you really wanted them you would be doing something about it by now. It's a massive life change and if you like your life the way it is, I wouldn't have any.

dottiedodah · 05/01/2022 08:33

On the one hand you are right to ignore Society expectations of you .At 31 you have time ,but obv as you go into your 30s your chances of conceiving will reduce .If you think you may want them dont leave it too long .Equally if you are not sure then dont feel pressured .

Annaghgloor · 05/01/2022 08:34

@furbabymama87

If you've got to your 30s and still unsure about kids, don't have them. I had finished having babies by late 20s which I know is probably unusual to some, but personally I think if you really wanted them you would be doing something about it by now. It's a massive life change and if you like your life the way it is, I wouldn't have any.

I don’t think that’s true at all. There are people who are studying right through their 20s and spend at least the first chunk of their 30s focusing on work. I do t think I gave a serious thought to actually having a child till I was 36, because my priorities lay elsewhere, and having a child would have seriously limited those priorities. Even after we had finally decided to try to have a child, after a long period of ambivalence, I was fine with possibly not managing to conceive if we’d left it too late. I did conceive the first month, and had an unproblematic pregnancy and a healthy son, but I was quite accepting of not having a child if that’s the way the dice fell. We were both on the same page about not using IVF or investigating adoption.

Goatinthegarden · 05/01/2022 08:45

I’m 35, have been with DH ten years and we are childfree by choice. I’m so bored of the ‘you’ll change your mind’ comments.

I’m a teacher and I love kids, but I see how hard life can be for so many families, in so many different ways. Children bring a lot of challenges, worries and you have to put many personal desires on hold in order to raise them. You have to be really sure you want kids as they’re kind of a big commitment…

iloveorange · 05/01/2022 08:47

Everyone focuses on chances of conception at a certain age, but there's also the fact that having a younger body makes pregnancy easier and lowers risks. And the energy one has at 25 is not the same one has a 40. It's a shame women have to either sacrifice a steady career or an easier motherhood, but that's the reality: our biology and personal goals not always go hand in hand. And let's not ignore financial stability.

The reality is that no, it's not fine to wait until your late 30s to start TTC, but it's also not fine to become pregnant if you're unsure or don't feel ready, for whatever reason.

FWIW, my husband and I were discussing children by the time I was 30, but didn't get started on TTC until I was 33 because I had unresolved mental health problems (undiagnosed OCD) and we didn't think it'd be responsible to have a child until I was stable (and the relationship as well), and then we also had to wait for other medical reasons as well. It took me one month to conceive and currently 25 weeks pregnant, but I'll be turning 34 in a few weeks and I don't like that, especially since we'd like to have at least one other child. I WAS very keen on becoming pregnant though, to the point that life felt... aimless until I started TTC.

As for what your friends are doing, please just ignore that. They are them, you are you. My friends are all in very different situations and that's because everyone is going through different things.

Dollywilde · 05/01/2022 08:49

Just remember your friends have their own motivations too - we agreed we would be done with kids by 34 as my mum’s side of the family has a history of early menopause (my grandmother’s started before she was 40), and also my dad isn’t well and I wanted him to have as long with his grandkids as possible.

AliceW89 · 05/01/2022 08:59

First and foremost, don’t have DC due to social pressure. They are wonderful, but life won’t be the same again for a good while. It’s okay and not remotely selfish to say you are not prepared for that change. I was naïve to just how big of an impact they have.

I do however fully agree with @PoleFairy. 31 isn’t too old if you have no issues with fertility. It could however get hairy and stressful if you wait until 36/37/38 and only discover then that you/DH/both of you have problems conceiving. A fertility MOT is a great idea - knowledge is power.

Good luck to you.

Ponoka7 · 05/01/2022 09:14

Shut down your parents. My eldest DD has decided to stay childfree and they've shut down any baby discussions since in their 20's, even when they were in the possibility stage. They are 35. I agree with a fertility MOT, my DD had one at 31. My other DD had two very young children who they started to mind and then decided that they definitely didn't want their own. Especially her DP who was shocked at how much work a toddler took.