4 friends pregnant in a year, feel pressured

[Letthebodieshitthefloor]

We're all 30/31 and 4 friends and acquaintances have announced their pregnancy (and given birth in one case) within the space of a year.
I am pleased for them, but I suppose it's made me think about my own fertility, despite the fact that I am totally on the fence about wanting children.
There have been comments from both my parents and in-laws about their desire for grandchildren

I haven't always had the greatest mental health and worry that I could be at a higher risk for this during and after pregnancy.

Moreover, I am just not ready. I enjoy my current life and I am not ready to alter this or take on more responsibility just yet. I am not sure I'm prepared to go through pregnancy after hearing some of my friends' experiences.

I hear a lot of comments from friends about how they didn't want to be 'too old'. I wish I could just ignore this pressure, I am just totally undecided.

There was a thread on here the other day where OP knew someone who had waited until 40 to TTC and been unable to have a child. Most posters said the woman was foolish as everyone knows women's fertility declines drastically in their 30s.

Several days later, we get this thread, where everyone tells OP she has plenty of time

Fertility declines rapidly from 35. Some NHS trusts do not fund IVF for women over 35. So many ill informed comments. For my own part, my pregnancy at 37 left me with a birth injury that causes ongoing continence issues. When I looked up the risk factors for a serious tear...yup, first birth over 35 is one of the risk factors.

We need to stop selling women this bullshit about their bodies being just as able to birth a healthy baby without complications at 40. It's a kind of misogyny to deny the biological reality of women's declining fertility.

Everyone focuses on chances of conception at a certain age, but there's also the fact that having a younger body makes pregnancy easier and lowers risks. And the energy one has at 25 is not the same one has a 40

Agree with this. Honestly OP it’s a tough decision because once you have them you can’t just put them back or change your mind. If you want to remain child free then do not give other people’s opinions on the matter the time of day. It’s not them who have to live with the decision day in day out. Personally I can’t imagine having my kids any later than I did (1st born when I was late 20s and second early 30s). The reality of 2 young kids in my 30s is never ending hard work and exhausting and also lovely and rewarding. I was never 100% sure I wanted kids when we first conceived but I had made my peace with that and how my life was going to change significantly.

Personally I can’t imagine having my kids any later than I did (1st born when I was late 20s and second early 30s).

But that's your point of view. I can't imagine having had a child any earlier than I did, aged 39. Of the only two of my close friends to have had children in their 20s, one says she doesn't know what she was thinking, and the other was an accidental pregnancy discovered only after the end of a brief relationship in a distant country. Mostly, those of us who had children had them over 35, because the impact on our lives before that age would have been negative.

I could have written this myself (even down to the username, what a song).

I'm 31 and leaning heavily towards not having kids right now, and I have friends with 10 year olds and their first on the way and all things in between. A fair few that are pregnant now are saying the same thing about not wanting to be 'too old', and as someone whose parents were young when they had me (and I liked that, for various reasons)... it all feels like a lot of pressure. And my own MH is a balancing act and one I'm currently balancing okay for the first time in a decade - I feel like throwing a baby I'm ambivalent about into the mix would basically be a hand grenade into my brain right now.

Also, I just don't want one right now (or probably ever). In fact, the people who have small kids now are putting me off even more - it looks relentless and exhausting. I think I'm old enough now to really see what an undertaking it is compared to when my 20 year old friend had a baby and it seemed like an interesting novelty.

What I really want is someone to - yeah don't have them, it's great. I have nobody around me who affirms the other side of the coin, just lots of people assuming I'll go one way. And that makes me feel like there's something wrong with me that I'm not sure/leaning away from it.

So instead, I've told myself it's fine.

I told my mum to simmer down or we'll just get another cat.

If friends ask, I say I'm too busy being the fun aunt (or if they're really rude or pushy, "God no, I can't stand children" so they do the shocked Pikachu face).

If I waver and suddenly get the urge to remove my coil with some pliers (thank you, hormones), I remind myself I like my life, I like my job, I've got plans that aren't kid-friendly, I don't want pregnancy or a newborn, I resent having to water plants never mind raise a human, and you can't get shitfaced on tequila on Christmas morning if you've got a baby, and it goes away again.

That's not to say I won't change my mind in a few years, not naive enough to think that, but I think a lot of my turmoil at the moment has been because I feel wrong for not wanting it, not that I'm unsure either way. So I'm giving myself permission.

People have kids much older than you are now. Some of them never do. Neither choice is wrong, so don't worry about that - surely better to have a child at , say, 35, that you are ready and excited for than one at 31 that you're not ready for and not sure about.

The thing is that OP isn't saying she really wants kids but doesn't feel quite ready yet. In that case it would make sense to advise her not to leave it too long.

She's saying that is not sure whether she wants kids at all. So in that case it would be unwise to start TTC. Yes there's a chance that she'll suddenly decide she wants a child and will have missed the opportunity, but there's also a real risk that she'll rush into having kids and regret it.

It's a tricky decision OP.

Don’t have children unless you want them.
Have you spoken to your partner about if he wants kids

I wasn't ready to even think about it till after 35 even though we were married and bought our house at 30, we even told both sets of parents this and my husband was on the same page, I wanted to concentrate on my career and we hadn't finished with the childfree chapter of our lives yet. I started TTC at 36 and got pregnant within 4 cycles by 37 (with one chemical on my 3rd cycle) it was a risk leaving it and I was fortunate but I just was not ready and I am so glad to wait till I was. I did fully consider the small possibility of age related infertility too.

I really enjoy being a Mum to my son who is now 19 months old and I really wanted a baby when I started trying, also we had years to save money so I had the option to leave my career and am now part time self employed WFH (which is in my field but hasn't generated an income yet and probably won't for another year) your life really does change unrecognisably so if you aren't ready, seriously don't rush into because of peer pressure. Xxx

Good luck OP

I was in your position at your age OP, everyone was having kids but I wasn’t in a stable enough relationship or financial position to have a child. By the time I was 36 I was engaged and ready. It took my now husband another six months to be on board.
12 months later when I was 37 I got pregnant after a couple of chemical pregnancies and a lot of ovulation monitoring and obsession. I’ve turned 38 now, I’m due in March.
Luckily it’s boy/girl twins so we don’t have to make a decision about whether to try for another.
We have been incredibly fortunate, lots of my friend are trying for their second now and some are struggling.
Don’t have kids you don’t want, but I do wish I’d started a family five years ago as the pregnancy is hard going and we will be working for longer than we initially thought when we got together.

I disagree with the person who said don't have kids past 30. I had my late son at 39 and lovely toddler daughter at 40. They were both wanted and so loved. It was just circumstances.

@Annaghgloor

Personally I can’t imagine having my kids any later than I did (1st born when I was late 20s and second early 30s).

But that's your point of view. I can't imagine having had a child any earlier than I did, aged 39. Of the only two of my close friends to have had children in their 20s, one says she doesn't know what she was thinking, and the other was an accidental pregnancy discovered only after the end of a brief relationship in a distant country. Mostly, those of us who had children had them over 35, because the impact on our lives before that age would have been negative.

Yea that’s why I said personally. I was adding my personal experience as have others? I’m not saying it’s the only correct experience?!

@housemaus, I think that's a very honest post. I did actually have a child, after not planning to for most of my adult life, not far short of 40, and he is now a fabulous nine year old, but I'm certain that my life would have gone on being interesting and fulfilling in a different way, had we made the decision not to have children. I have a lot of childfree friends whose lives are good.

Plus, as you mention freedom, and what looks like the relentless grind of parenting in my experience (one child, born when I was 39, a fully equal DH, both of us working FT, living in a different country to our families), the grind and bind is at its worst in the baby stage, which was my personal low to date of the whole parenting experience. I think the key for us is exactly what you said better to have a child you are ready for later than one you aren't ready for when younger. We'd spent nearly 20 years of adult life moving around internationally and studying and working and having fun, so temporarily slowing down didn't feel like much of a sacrifice. And in fact we've made two big moves since we had DS anyway, including an international one two years ago, and we've both changed direction in work, and are renovating a big old wreck in our new place. I think of him as a lovely and fascinating addition to our lives, not a wrecking ball that completely reinvented them.

@Annaghgloor fabulous post.

'What I really want is someone to - yeah don't have them, it's great'

Well here you go - don't have them. Life without children is great. Nobody gets to do everything - we all have to make our choices. Being childfree can be a long, lonely road especially when broodiness / societal expectation / whatever hits and you don't know if you're coming or going. It gets MUCH easier to ignore all that as time goes on. So, if you're looking for permission to not have children, you've got it!

@Lottapianos

'What I really want is someone to - yeah don't have them, it's great'

Well here you go - don't have them. Life without children is great. Nobody gets to do everything - we all have to make our choices. Being childfree can be a long, lonely road especially when broodiness / societal expectation / whatever hits and you don't know if you're coming or going. It gets MUCH easier to ignore all that as time goes on. So, if you're looking for permission to not have children, you've got it!

Absolutely -- have it from me, too. As I said above, I did eventually have a child, but my life in my late 30s when I did not intend to have one was great, and I see no reason why it wouldn't have continued to be so. I see people without children around me leading lives they experience as fulfilling. (None of my siblings have children.) I certainly didn't suddenly start seeing things in technicolour after I had DS, after a pre-child monochrome life, and parenthood hasn't particularly changed me, I think. I'm delighted I had DS, but I think I'm fundamentally the same person, but a parent.

How does it feel to you when someone says 'Look, feel free not to have a child'? Does it feel liberating?

(I also think that it's interesting to reframe the discussion in terms of 'having a child', rather than 'having children' -- people often seem to assume that if you choose to have one, then you commit to having at least one more or face the horror of having produced a Lonely Only, but it's worth considering, if you don't rule out parenthood at this stage.)

I’ll offer up the other side of the discussion for balance - having a child is fundamentally about starting a new, lifelong relationship. I reckon I could have a fabulous life without having met DH, or any of my friends, but I do know and love them, and they bring colour and happiness into my life. I feel the same way about my daughter. I’m sure life without her would be lovely (you don’t miss the people you never know, strange as it feels to think that way!) but my relationship with her makes me very happy. I guess it’s just a question of working out whether you want more relationships in your life. For me it’s the more the merrier (and I would have as many friends or children as I felt I could have without negatively impacting my relationships with my existing friends/children) but obviously, like all relationships, they require work (children requiring much more maintenance than friends, I accept!) and it’s a trade off. It is a bloody hard call though, and I say that as someone with no regrets about having kids

Agree with the other posters who've said the parents and in-laws need to shut the fuck up about their desire for grandchildren, so narcissistic and unfair on people like the OP who really aren't sure/ready. I've got 3 DDs, one of whom I'm sure won't have children, one who probably will and one still young enough not to even be thinking about it, but whatever they decide to do it is their life, not mine.

"Moreover I'm just not ready".

Well you've answered your own question. You don't have kids to please other people. You have them when YOU ARE READY__*. and if that's never that's also fine. Not every women yearns to be a mother

I have two kids. This sounds awful but I never saw myself as a mother. I do my best but know I'd be happier if I didn't have them purely for selfish reasons.
Children are intense. Especially if they have other things going on like ADHD, autism etc which is what my one of my children has.

Do they know any of this? Absolutely not. They're very much loved by myself and DH and don't want for anything. But I don't blame you for not wanting children if you are undecided.

@Dollywilde

I’ll offer up the other side of the discussion for balance - having a child is fundamentally about starting a new, lifelong relationship. I reckon I could have a fabulous life without having met DH, or any of my friends, but I do know and love them, and they bring colour and happiness into my life. I feel the same way about my daughter. I’m sure life without her would be lovely (you don’t miss the people you never know, strange as it feels to think that way!) but my relationship with her makes me very happy. I guess it’s just a question of working out whether you want more relationships in your life. For me it’s the more the merrier (and I would have as many friends or children as I felt I could have without negatively impacting my relationships with my existing friends/children) but obviously, like all relationships, they require work (children requiring much more maintenance than friends, I accept!) and it’s a trade off. It is a bloody hard call though, and I say that as someone with no regrets about having kids

I think that’s a helpful way of reframing it, and a nice post, @Dollywilde.

@RRBB1920

I disagree with the person who said don't have kids past 30. I had my late son at 39 and lovely toddler daughter at 40. They were both wanted and so loved. It was just circumstances.

Yeah, but wanted-ness isn't an age thing. You don't need to struggle with fertility or wait till your 40s to appreciate your kids either

Dont be and if you go round to peoples houses and they keep on tell them you will go home if they dont stop it!!!

Its your decision. Kids are not the be all and end all of life at all and can bring alot of stress. Crazy.

Not only is no it's one else's business. It's also very insensitive. How do they know you haven't been TTC for years and chosen to keep it to yourself self.

Just to put your mind at rest. Firstly you are still young. Secondly, don't assume that your mental health will deteriorate. Mine actually improved during pregnancy and whilst breastfeeding. In any event you will receive excellent mental health care. Thirdly, epidurals were invented for good reason and make giving birth considerably easier. I didn't feel the needle and was able to sleep throughout my contractions. Being in hospital, far from me dreading it, actually turned out to be a fairly pleasant experience. So, if you do decide that you want to have children at some point, don't assume that you will find it too difficult. Don't let that be the reason not to. In the meanwhile, just have some fun!