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Original poster

4 friends pregnant in a year, feel pressured

73 replies

Letthebodieshitthefloor · 05/01/2022 07:31

We're all 30/31 and 4 friends and acquaintances have announced their pregnancy (and given birth in one case) within the space of a year.
I am pleased for them, but I suppose it's made me think about my own fertility, despite the fact that I am totally on the fence about wanting children.
There have been comments from both my parents and in-laws about their desire for grandchildren

I haven't always had the greatest mental health and worry that I could be at a higher risk for this during and after pregnancy.

Moreover, I am just not ready. I enjoy my current life and I am not ready to alter this or take on more responsibility just yet. I am not sure I'm prepared to go through pregnancy after hearing some of my friends' experiences.

I hear a lot of comments from friends about how they didn't want to be 'too old'. I wish I could just ignore this pressure, I am just totally undecided.

OP posts:
blackcurrantjam · 05/01/2022 09:16

Aw love. ENJOY YOUR CURRENT LIFE. Talking as someone on the other side Flowers

Babdoc · 05/01/2022 09:19

The youngest premature menopause I have seen in a patient was 29.
You have no idea how many fertile years you have left, and cannot assume that waiting until your late thirties will be fine.
Your fertility is already beginning to decline and your eggs to age. Your chances of complications increase as your fertility decreases.
As PPs suggest, get a fertility check, but also start doing some hard thinking about whether or when you want children.
There is never a "good time" to have them, and they will certainly disrupt your life, but having them is a source of joy and wonder.

Grognonne · 05/01/2022 09:20

If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Having a baby because others are is the worst reason to do it. You need to think of yourself first as children are wonderful but very hard work. All my friends had children over 37 and they all have 2-3 each now. We had such a brilliant time in our 30s, made great career progression, went wherever we wanted. I would not have changed that for the world. I felt like I had done everything I wanted to do whilst childfree, and had some great quality time just my husband and I. Fertility can fall in your late 30s/early 40s, but it doesn’t fall off a cliff at 35 - that has been completely debunked these days. Only have a baby when you and your husband are ready, you’ll be the ones raising a child, not your family or friends.

Phrenologistsfinger · 05/01/2022 09:22

Sure you have time at 30/31 but for balance, I started ttc at 37 and I am almost 40 now and still no baby. It can take years of trying!

Ponoka7 · 05/01/2022 09:25

"There is never a "good time" to have them, and they will certainly disrupt your life, but having them is a source of joy and wonder."

For someone pressured into them they can be a source of misery, stress, poor mental health and hardship.

Franca123 · 05/01/2022 09:25

I think that if you want kids you need to start thinking about having them. My partner and I started seriously talking about it at 32 and I'm glad we did as we had trouble despite being otherwise fit and healthy. This isn't uncommon. We had two years of trying the old fashioned way and they begun IVF at 34. At 34 / 35 we still had good odds of IVF working each it did. If we'd left it much longer, the IVF odds start looking quite scary. If you don't want kids, that's another story of course.

Phrenologistsfinger · 05/01/2022 09:25

I had IVF (NOT a magic bullet contrary to what most think - 30% approx. chance of success - 10-15% if over 40!). No viable embryos first go - it often takes multiple rounds, if it works at all!

Franca123 · 05/01/2022 09:26

I should say, my partner and I would have rathered have carried on with our child free life. But we knew we wanted kids eventually so we got on with it rather than accidentally leaving it too late.

Ponoka7 · 05/01/2022 09:29

"Fertility can fall in your late 30s/early 40s, but it doesn’t fall off a cliff at 35 "

Fertility doctors in the NHS has called for IVF to not be funded for women who've simply left it too late, for many women 35 is too late to guarantee a live birth. The majority of women going through IVF is because they thought that they would be fertile enough to get pregnant until 40. I've been pregnant after 40 but like a lot of over 40 women it has resulted in miscarriage. Many have still births. It isn't helpful to suggest that a woman over 30 doesn't have to consider if she is fertile.

IncompleteSenten · 05/01/2022 09:32

I think you are decided.

You aren't ready for children. You said so yourself.

If you're thinking about whether you ought to because other people are are your parents want grandchildren etc etc that is you clearly saying it's not what you want.

Having a baby because of family and societal pressure is the worst reason to have one.

Franca123 · 05/01/2022 09:33

Totally disagree with the MOT test idea. All of my tests came back great. It would have provided me with false security. I see these MOT things as a money spinner for the clinics. If you're concerned enough about having children to get an MOT, crack on with having a baby imo.

3scape · 05/01/2022 09:33

If you're undecided then it's a no. You can't just jump to it because of (hugely inappropriate) whinging from parents etc. Be firm. Tell them to back off or they won't get any. It's YOU that will be doing all the work, the dent in your career, the affect on YOUR body. They need to shut up.

Take YOUR time and block out the pressure.

CounsellorTroi · 05/01/2022 09:35

Do you have a partner/DH OP? How does he feel?

AliceW89 · 05/01/2022 09:38

@Franca123 I suggested a fertility test for the opposite reason. I entirely agree with you - lots of people have unexplained infertility. A positive fertility test probably isn’t worth much consideration. However, if a fertility test did reveal problems, it would probably focus the mind - IVF at 32 has a much greater success rate than IVF at 40.

Franca123 · 05/01/2022 09:43

I get you @AliceW89

Franca123 · 05/01/2022 09:45

I have a friend who was talking seriously about freezing her eggs or perhaps some embryos because he younger boyfriend wasn't ready for kids. I just think that that is madness. Planning to go through that strenuous process is madness imo. Having been through that, it's the last result, not something you purposefully build into your plan.

Lottapianos · 05/01/2022 09:46

'Having a baby because others are is the worst reason to do it.'

This X 100000. Ditto the pressure from parents to provide grandkids. Sod that, quite frankly

OP, I feel for you. The societal pressure is real. It nearly drove me mad in my 30s. It felt like every single woman I knew was either pregnant or had a baby. Looking back, that wasn't actually the case, but it was all I could think about some days, despite being highly ambivalent, like you. It was a very lonely place to be

I'm 42 now. I didn't have children, and I won't be having any, and I'm grateful for that on a weekly basis. It's so hard, but try as much as you can to focus on yourself, and what you actually want. You're being bombarded left right and centre with the message that babies is the next step, the 'normal' thing to do, but that's absolutely not the case for everyone. Try to work out what is right for you, and hold on to that, hard as it is. It does get easier over time!

Projectingmuch · 05/01/2022 09:49

@CounsellorTroi

Do you have a partner/DH OP? How does he feel?
This is a great question, I’m surprised it didn’t come up earlier! I was in the wrong relationship for 10 years and was convinced I didn’t want children. My husband at the time wasn’t keen either. I got together with someone else when that relationship broke down and I started dreaming about having children with my new partner. Fortunately I got pregnant due to a couple of late contraceptive pills. If I had to properly decide to start trying I probably would never have been brave enough. I don’t agree with people who say that you have to be absolutely sure before you have them. My life is so enriched now because of my child, even though it was bloody hard at the beginning, I have a good social life, I feel like a better, more confident person and I feel like my life is so much more fulfilling. I’d say you’ve got a couple of years to carry on enjoying your life before you decide OP, but I don’t know if that feeling of 100% certainty happens for everyone.
Franca123 · 05/01/2022 09:51

The whole thing about having kids is tough. It's relentless. It must be hell if you didn't really want them.

CounsellorTroi · 05/01/2022 09:52

There have been comments from both my parents and in-laws about their desire for grandchildren

Your parents’ and in laws’ desire for grandchildren is their problem and it’s not in any way your duty to provide them.

Also ignore my comment asking if you had a partner/DH, I had missed the mention of in laws in your OP.

wh00pi · 05/01/2022 09:54

Everyone focuses on chances of conception at a certain age, but there's also the fact that having a younger body makes pregnancy easier and lowers risks. And the energy one has at 25 is not the same one has a 40. It's a shame women have to either sacrifice a steady career or an easier motherhood, but that's the reality: our biology and personal goals not always go hand in hand. And let's not ignore financial stability.

You really don't have to sacrifice a career to have a child young, that narrative is old fashioned IMO. Not the case in the UK in 2022 from my own lived experience

AlbertBridge · 05/01/2022 09:55

Children control of your happiness. Your sanity, happiness and peace is 100% wrapped up in how your children are. I think more people should be warned about that!

Franca123 · 05/01/2022 10:01

The other factor is how many children you ultimately want and the spacing of those kids. I've just had my second at 37 and am now 38. The second pregnancy was so tough on my body in terms of horrible pelvis pain. I don't fancy a third pregnancy at 40. So the decision to have a third is basically off the table.

MaxNormal · 05/01/2022 10:03

Do you actually want children, I mean for you, or is it just that your parents/inlaws want grandchildren and all your friends are having them?

Gonnagetgoing · 05/01/2022 10:14

I was in a relationship (not good though) for 2 years in late 20s to 30. I had lots of comments re pregnancy, how I should 'get started', 'hurry up' re fertility and countless setting up on dates when I broke up with the boyfriend.

I actually have been pretty much on the fence, 50/50 about having kids partly due to mum being divorced and a single mother (very rare) when I was young, also paranoid about getting married due to lots of divorces in near family, best friend getting pregnant at 18 didn't help either. I could've, later in 30's settled down with a man and had a child but I didn't do so. I personally think I was too selfish at the time to have a baby.

I was tempted to get eggs frozen too but didn't want that hassle.

Funnily enough it was not long after my 30s that I got significantly shorter menstrual cycles but I'd also come off the pill at 30 after being on it for a long time so that might have had something to do with it. Didn't help that I had bad PMT and also undiagnosed underactive thyroid too.