To think some people’s expectations of others after their first baby are truly bonkers

[Laughingstock91]

There was a thread on here about someone being deleted by friends partner on Facebook. That’s happened to me and it’s over my alleged lack of interest in a friends first born.

We bought baby a Teddy and sent flowers when baby was born but it’s been made pretty clear that it wasn’t good enough. Constant jibes about the lovely gifts so & so sent. Jibes about how ‘some people don’t show any interest in my baby pics on Facebook’ etc etc.

When my kids were born; the same friend sent a one word text when my youngest was born and that was it. Mainly because she was then single and not interested. But now I am expected to fawn over the baby even though I have 2 kids of my own and a full time career and a life.

Pre kid, the same friend was accusing me of not being available enough.

Aibu to think peoples expectations when they have kids are often crazy? It’s classic ‘PFB’ territory I think - it’s really really pissed me off to be frank though.

You're right. It's bonkers and precious.

A friend of mine expected her in laws, who still had a mortgage to pay, to give up their full time Jon's to childmind so she could return to a full time job. When they didn't she went no contact. Bonkers.

Job not Jon's!

I know what you mean. And possibly worse than the friends who not only took no interest in yours, are the ones who also either gloated about their child free lifestyles before their dc, or were judgemental “how hard can it be to have no sleep, you’re on maternity leave”.
It’s usually these people who are suddenly the most precious or the most obsessed with their first Borns. feeding little Freddy organic only and then boring the life out of everyone else about it.
I’m so over that stage. my dc are in school/nursery now and I find it hard to pretend to be interested in people who didn’t really want to support me during that stage in my life but are now immersed in it themselves.

I do make the effort for true friends however.

Sounds like no great loss, OP.

It sounds like a problem with your friend, she sounds like hard work. I don't think that behaviour is common.

Just ignore it. If they call you out, remind her about her reactions.

You’re right, some people are nuts.

It’s nice if people are interested in DD but I don’t expect anyone to give a shit other than me and DP. It’s nice if they take an interest or ask how she is but I certainly wouldn’t be falling out with anyone over it.

There are plenty of really normal nice people out there to be friends with who won't treat you that way or have those over hyped expectations of you. You just have to make room for them!

These people are insufferable, but as your story makes clear though, more often than not this isn't some new behaviour that a baby makes appear, it's one manifestation of life-long self-absorption. Baby bores inevitably were once bridezillas, before that they bored everyone about their job/love life. Some people just think whatever they're doing is more important than other people and that whatever life stage they're at is the only one worth talking about! I think it's often particularly bad with a new baby because even nice people's lives get a bit small and so often a bit inward-looking in the thick of the baby stage but with these people it's just a more extreme version of what was there before!

@HardbackWriter yes that’s really true.

I think the worst thing for me is that I have been made to feel like I have done something wrong

I'd be glad to be rid of them as a friend. They sound hard work, and self absorbed.

No experience of this myself. I love other peoples babies, people have been very nice about mine.

Don’t blame you for feeling annoyed about this one.

Some people just think whatever they're doing is more important than other people and that whatever life stage they're at is the only one worth talking about!

^^
This is very true I think. And they have no sense of irony at all!

[quote Laughingstock91]@HardbackWriter yes that’s really true.

I think the worst thing for me is that I have been made to feel like I have done something wrong[/quote]
You definitely haven't done anything wrong! But one little thing I would note, just because it's also true for me, is that it can sometimes feel particularly skewed if you've have multiple children. In my experience people make far less of a fuss about second or subsequent children, and so it can feel like a stark comparison to a friend with their first. I have it with a friend at the moment where she expects me to be incredibly interested in her pregnancy and part of me resents this because I was pregnant (and really not well with it) this time last year and she showed almost no interest, but then I remember that to be fair she was a lot more concerned/interested when I had my first.

I used to think my friend was relatively normal but since her son was born she's lost the bloody plot. For example,, she's a single parent and nominated me as his guardian in her will as her family are all abroad. I recently found out that she's been taking legal advice on how her house will be managed if something happened to her. So how it would work with it belonging to him, but me living there while he's a minor. WTF? I have my own house thank you very much and my own children, and a husband, and two very entitled cats. She seemed genuinely perplexed at the fact I wasn't champing at the bit to leave it all behind to care for her PFB.

I think your friend sounds like she was a dick well before kids tbh!

We might have the same friend, OP! DH and I got deleted (FB) by a friend because apparently we didn't make enough fuss after her social media announcement (2nd baby). We regularly saw the 1st baby, bought gifts etc and obviously intended to do the same for the 2nd but clearly this was not enough as we didn't follow up our "likes" with messages soon enough. She went NC. Same person deleted us from another platform (I didn't realise she was still following us on Instagram after NC!) when found it out we were expecting. First it made me laugh but then it made me feel sorry for her. Must be an awful existence having to live like this.

Do we have the same friends / family members 😂

I've been un friended for the same thing! We went round after the birth to be kept on the doorstep by the dad, no sight of mum or baby, dutifully handed over gifts.... never receive a Thankyou at all. Apparently not liking photos online (when 200+ people had liked them?!) was an unforgivable offence. Other presents were plastered all over social media with tags and Thankyous, but not ours!

We see the DC occasionally now (twice a month?) with the dad, and apparently that's not even enough! The presents we buy aren't good enough 🙄 the time we spend isn't enough!

We're bloody aunt and uncle and it's a nightmare 😂 some women are just unreasonable with these things!

Social media has created a whole generation of complete ‘look at me’ people who judge their lives by ‘likes’ etc. @HardbackWriter. A brilliant summary of the trajection that these self obsessed folks embark on

I don't think it's something that happens when someone has a baby, it's the person, rather than the situation. I remember a handful of people from pony club days that were forever bleating about how hard their life was looking after a pony, wanting everyone to rally round and help and continually demanding praise and attention. Either from dc that already had their own to look after or worse, dc that would have done anything for a pony to look after. I don't find it at all surprising the same people are exactly the same as parents.
I remember a sahm of one from dd was little, the only mother in the village syndrome. Other mothers were just sat around at home all day or had it easy going to work, meanwhile she had her pfb to raise and everyone needed to acknowledge that. Her dc is now an adult, so she's moved onto bitching about family, friends and colleagues that aren't supportive when she's so busy and stressed with her (very) pt job.

@Justwingingit2005

A friend of mine expected her in laws, who still had a mortgage to pay, to give up their full time Jon's to childmind so she could return to a full time job. When they didn't she went no contact. Bonkers.

I’d never give up my Jon for no one!

Yeah some people go OTT.

I’ve been cut out by a friend because I’m “not as interested in her second as I was her first”. Her first was born on the same day as my DS2. She seems to have forgotten that and when she went on a tirade at me she said it was “sad and nasty” that I went on day trips to the zoo and to soft play with him, but haven’t with her 7 month old DD. She seems to think I did those things fit her DS, rather than mine… my youngest is a severely disabled primary school age child with endless appointments and who we have been shielding, and are continuing to be very very careful with, through the whole covid saga. Not exactly the same stage in life as her new baby.

Personally I don't have kids, I have 3 godkids who are my 2 best friends kids and I love them like my own. Your mate is being ridiculous, I honestly do anything I can to make it easier to see my friends, I normally go to them so they don't have to treck the kids out, try to do something nice like flowers or something each month when I get paid so they know they're appreciated etc. Being childless is even more reason to get involved! I don't anything for my Godchildren and their parents, partners included. You deserve more mate honestly, they're just materialistic ungrateful people.

One thing I learned fairly in first time motherhood is that just because you think your new baby is the centre of the universe, most other people don't 🤣

She’s done you a favour blocking you on fb. Let’s hope she follows through irl. The less people like that you have in your life, the better it will be.