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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people’s expectations of others after their first baby are truly bonkers

61 replies

Laughingstock91 · 04/01/2022 21:07

There was a thread on here about someone being deleted by friends partner on Facebook. That’s happened to me and it’s over my alleged lack of interest in a friends first born.

We bought baby a Teddy and sent flowers when baby was born but it’s been made pretty clear that it wasn’t good enough. Constant jibes about the lovely gifts so & so sent. Jibes about how ‘some people don’t show any interest in my baby pics on Facebook’ etc etc.

When my kids were born; the same friend sent a one word text when my youngest was born and that was it. Mainly because she was then single and not interested. But now I am expected to fawn over the baby even though I have 2 kids of my own and a full time career and a life.

Pre kid, the same friend was accusing me of not being available enough.

Aibu to think peoples expectations when they have kids are often crazy? It’s classic ‘PFB’ territory I think - it’s really really pissed me off to be frank though.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 04/01/2022 22:44

A close acquaintance of mine has become like this with her PFB. No mother has ever had it so hard or child ever been so perfect before. She was always like this though, a very self centred child/teen, bridezilla, you name it. This is just the latest episode in her life story and to be expected, it's not new to her character

EmoIsntDead · 04/01/2022 22:44

My husband's best friend (former!) cut off his entire friend group because they weren't interested enough in his two kids. He was the first married and first to have kids (a couple of years apart) the rest of the group visited, bought gifts and then carried on with their lives - not good enough apparently. When another friend messaged him for his new address - to send a wedding invite - he replied 'dont bother with an invite, we're not friends any more' and then ranted to my DH about how nobody came to visit his kids any more. DH has taken a very large step back.

Dick.

ginandgarlands · 04/01/2022 22:51

Totally agree, my SIL has just had her first baby and it’s all got a bit out of control… staying out of it as it’s not my circus, not my monkeys but I am having to bite my tongue not to point out that I bet any other family babies won’t get any of the same money spent on them

justasking111 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I feel sorry for young mums today, so much pressure from conception onwards. I had one book Dr Hugh Jolly my Bible for everything. Today it's a barrage of conflicting advice from every direction. No wonder they can go a bit nuts

hellopicklex · 04/01/2022 23:33

on the other side - my best friend of years literally replied ‘congrats’ when my daughter was born and then didn’t message me at all for weeks. literally fell silent. i deleted her because it felt like a kick in the teeth tbh, that’s not a ‘pfb’ thing, some people do just become shit friends once you’ve had a baby

KylieKoKo · 04/01/2022 23:34

I had two friends who had babies at around the same time and one of them had a huge rant to me because she thought a mutual friend was liking more pictures of the other baby than hers. I just smiled and nodded and made my excuses to leave early. Thankfully now the baby is 8 and my friend is sane again.

Beseen22 · 05/01/2022 00:10

A friend in her 80s has one son who she tried for for 20 years and literally did everything for, bought him a flat and car, he was a student supported by them until late 30s, best schools, did all his washing, drove all over the country for him. When the son and his wife had their baby a few months ago they had to be on call for the last 6 weeks no more than 30 mins away to come and get their multiple dogs, then they had to keep the dogs for the first month to help them settle in as a family. The son dropped all family washing off 4 x a week and collected it all pressed that night. And they didn't even let them see the baby for the first month!

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 05/01/2022 01:04

@justasking111

I feel sorry for young mums today, so much pressure from conception onwards. I had one book Dr Hugh Jolly my Bible for everything. Today it's a barrage of conflicting advice from every direction. No wonder they can go a bit nuts
But they're responsible for 99% of the 'pressure', they choose to live their lives on social media, it's not compulsory, they choose to expect their lives to be like those of the 'celebs' they 'follow', they choose to read book after book of the ideal family, often books which contradict themselves. They don't need a library of books and site after site of 'advice', most mothers used to trust their own instincts very successfully.
HappyDays40 · 05/01/2022 01:28

I am not interested in newborns TBH so I never expected anyone to be interested in mine! I hate all the baby showers and gender reveals. I'm not interested in birth stories or breastfeeding either. I can't cope with parents who think their child is mega advanced when they see distinctly ordinary or ones who think they are the only one who has given birth or breastfed.....get over yourself people have been doing it for millenia you are just boring. Give me a baby 1 or above and they have a personality. So much better.

safclass · 05/01/2022 01:31

I know a bloke who told his parents that it was their responsibility as grandparents to watch (childcare) their grandson! I'd have been picking myself off the ground if I'd said that to my mam! (who did help out!)

Rangoon · 05/01/2022 04:28

On all rational grounds, kittens and puppies are much cuter, easier to toilet train and far more interactive than other people's newborns.

Muststopeating · 05/01/2022 04:46

I still have guilt over how little support I gave my BF when her kids were little. I was only in my early twenties, living in a different country and essentially had not a single clue how hard it is (especially as her DH was away all the time).

Hers are a bit older and I have 3 smalls and she doesn't pay a huge amount of attention. I think she probably has a bit of a 'well I managed' mantra. I can't say I blame her. Plus, life is just busy for everyone.

Some of the people mentioned on this thread sound batshit. The first time someone complained to me about not liking a picture would be the last time I spoke to them! Mental!

BobbieT1999 · 05/01/2022 05:05

Yanbu, I have a 'friend' like this.

ChubbyMorticia · 05/01/2022 06:24

Ugh, my DH's birth sibs are like this.

No congrats on our wedding, nothing when we had each of our kids. I shrugged and figured they'd all met as adults, so didn't have that kind of relationship. But wow, did they throw a hissy when we didn't send gifts, etc when they got married/had a kid.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/01/2022 06:33

it seems the more you have the more other people are enthralled Sad

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/01/2022 06:33

aargh, the less people care that should say

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 05/01/2022 07:07

Jibes about how ‘some people don’t show any interest in my baby pics on Facebook'

It would be very tempting to reply 'that's because some people aren't interested in your baby' Grin

Seriously, it sounds as though you've done more than enough with the gifts. I would just ignore and disengage from this person - she's a needy drain you don't need.

Superhanz · 05/01/2022 09:38

I've not experienced that from any of my friends and we're all mothers. I've read enough threads about it on here though to know it happens.

CounsellorTroi · 05/01/2022 09:44

I think it’s normal to show more interest in a first baby than in subsequent ones simply because it’s a first baby and a huge life event for the parents. For other people subsequent babies aren’t’ such a big deal.

HeartsAndClubs · 05/01/2022 09:54

From the other side, when my DS was born my SIL took absolutely no interest in him what so ever. Fair enough, she didn’t have children and other people’s babies aren’t that interesting really.

Except that when we visited ILs 9 months later with her having not seen him for all that time, she became immensely upset and angry when he wouldn’t go to her and cried when she wanted to pick him up. Her h sent eXH a massive rant about how we had excluded her and prevented her from being a good auntie.

She carried on not being remotely interested in him at all for the following few years.

5128gap · 05/01/2022 09:54

@justasking111

I feel sorry for young mums today, so much pressure from conception onwards. I had one book Dr Hugh Jolly my Bible for everything. Today it's a barrage of conflicting advice from every direction. No wonder they can go a bit nuts
I would too if this sat alongside a little humility. Yet so often the same type of people also become a self appointed expert, hell bent on not only adhering to the minutiae of the latest thing they've read, but insisting everyone else does too, and harshly judging people who do things differently. It's incredibly disrespectful to women who successfully raised children in previous decades, or under different guidance, and creates anxiety for those doing so now.
Migrainesbythedozen · 05/01/2022 10:21

If she makes another comment about it on Facebook, have the guts to say: "well at least it wasn't a one word text. Remember when my DC was born and you sent a one word text, no card, present or anything else. lol. I know we've both grown since then." Something around those words. It'll make her think. But do it with a wink/smile/laugh emoji and in a 'joking' or friendly way, so she can't even come back in a nasty way without looking unhinged.

cadburyegg · 05/01/2022 10:45

YANBU

when one of my friends was pregnant with her DC1 she got upset when her SIL got pregnant with her DC2. Hmm After their SIL and BIL had their DC1, apparently my friend and her husband waited until he was 1 to TTC because they didn't want to "steal their thunder" ?! and so they got upset because this wasn't reciprocated! I'd love my two kids to have cousins in this country, especially that close in age.

I've also noticed that now my kids are 3 and 6 and we are getting out of the baby and toddler stage, that you naturally take less of an interest in others that are at a different stage to you. I bf my kids for over a year but I have no interest in talking about breastfeeding, weaning, napping routines etc. my life is just as busy but in a different way

DilemmaDelilah · 05/01/2022 10:54

I would definitely be dropped from friend lists as I'm really not interested in other people's children. I would always send flowers and congratulations to the new mum, who is after all the person who is my friend, and I would understand about making things easy for them for catch ups and things, and I'm happy to hold their baby and feed or change of necessary, but I'm doing that for my friend and not because her baby is the centre of my world.

mistermagpie · 05/01/2022 11:41

I've got three children of my own and I'm still not really interested in other peoples babies. Other than send a gift, like the photos and offer support where it's needed, what more can you do?

I think people do tend to get a bit precious about their own babies, especially first ones. I was probably the same with my first to be honest, but when my two year old was a newborn and I also had a 4 and 5 year old I just got on with it. I didn't have time to worry about whether anyone liked my Facebook photos or whatever!

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