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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend time with whole family because of them

52 replies

toomuchmashaandthebear · 04/01/2022 08:07

Wrote this out once and it was wayyy too long so I've deleted and will try again to make it shorter! Have NC as it is very outing.

Me and my DSis get on brilliantly when we are on our own (majority of the time). We are both late 30s but have had very different lives so far. I went to uni, met my hubby, had my DCs (after a lot of fertility treatment) and am now retraining in a different field now my DC are a bit older. DSis had her first DC my niece at 16 and went on to have 2 more in quite quick succession. Unfortunately the relationships never worked out so she is now a single mom and is unable to work due to one of the DC having some issues.

Like I said we get on brilliantly and spend a lot of time together as we live in the same time. Although we get on well it's important to mention that she has a very volatile personality. She can go from being your best friend and the loveliest person you will meet to screaming insults in your face, throwing furniture ect in the space of 5 seconds. It's something all the family have dealt with forever and we just decide to make sure we try not to say anything that will upset her as it's not worth the aggro when she kicks off.

We all get together for big family days quite often as we all live so close. This is where my issue comes in. I don't know if I am just being very over sensitive and should grow up or whether I'm justified in feeling hurt.

Every single time we all get together I become the butt of all her jokes/comments. For example we were playing a game on Christmas Day (adults and DC's) and as soon as she opens the box she starts with comments like "oh god no one pair up with her, she cheats or will be awful if she doesn't win!" To which I just laugh it off. These comments continue every time I have a turn. To the point her children also then start joining in with the comments and laughing. Then I started to say in a different conversation that I was feeling a bit stressed about the holidays ending as I have some big deadlines coming up. She instantly starts laughing and saying comments like "god you just can't handle any stress can you, your always moaning, you don't know what a hard days work is like" ect.

If I do ever take the bait and comment back which I did in this instance I just said "come back to me when your in the same situation" she then starts cheering and saying "ooohh look we've hit a nerve, don't ever say anything to her or she will cry" ect.

This happens every time we are in front of other family members. It's like she is desperate to put me down in front of others and she wants to constantly be the centre of attention. I come out every time feeling hurt and wound up. My DM has often mentioned that she thinks my DSis is jealous of me because her life didn't turn out the way she wanted it and she thinks mine did (trust me my life is nothing to be jealous of, my marriage is on the rocks, we struggled to have our children and because I'm retraining we are in constant worrying debt, but that's a whole other thread!). I'm just sick of being made to feel bad because we didn't make the same choices in life.

Sorry for the super long post!! Please tell me if I just need to grow up and ignore or if I'm right to feel upset.

OP posts:

LittleMG · 04/01/2022 08:18

Op I agree with your mum she is jealous of you. She’s got a chip on her shoulder about you doing better in life. I know exactly the sort of behaviour you’re describing it’s quite upsetting when it’s doesn’t stop but honestly I would absolutely ignore. Seems like your family know she’s doing it. If I was there I think I’d feel a bit embarrassed for her, looks really childish.

billyt · 04/01/2022 08:42

Definitely jealous.

I had the same issue with my youngest brother. He followed me into my line of work. My career has certainly moved on very well, whereas he is stalled at 52 doing something he vocally sneered at me still doing at 35! Sarcasm every time we were in the same group, got worse when he met his second wife (She worked in a Solicitors but thought she knew everything legal) I pulled him up very time, made him look even stupider than he is.

When my mum died a couple year ago he went to the Police accusing me of fraud.(Claimed I'd used POA to use her money, when the POA wasn't even in place, only ever spoken about) He knows any black marks can get you booted out of the industry.

I have a very happy life now I've cut crap people like him out.

I'd maybe bring up what she does every time the comments start. Stop pussy footing around her.

iheartredsquirrels · 04/01/2022 08:55

It's jealousy and nobody seeming to pull her up about it so she carries on bullying you. Appaling that her dc are doing it too.

HeadToToesNo · 04/01/2022 09:02

She could be jealous of you, but that's not your burden to carry.
If a family member treated me like that I would reduce contact to the bare minimum. What positivity does she really bring to your life?

Snowred1 · 04/01/2022 09:04

She’s definitely jealous. But someone needs to pull her up on it as now her children are copying her bullying. I would say something when it’s just the 2 of you quietly when she doesn’t have an audience she is playing up to.

SwanShaped · 04/01/2022 09:08

Doesn’t matter if she’s jealous, she’s being horrible. Was she always like this or only more recently? What about when you were children? I wouldn’t meet up with them all, why put yourself through it? Has your mum ever told her to pack it in?

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2022 09:08

Frankly, she's not very nice.

I would see a lot less of her

LethargicActress · 04/01/2022 09:13

Your sister sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh. She probably is jealous and is feeling the need to put you down because she thinks you’ve done so much better in life than her, but that is not ok.

I think you need to come up with a few comments of your own to throw back at her when she starts being bitchy.

Bonnealle · 04/01/2022 09:13

Yes she sounds jealous. If it were me, I’d turn it into a joke. When she says that you’re a sore loser, I’d amplify it. Do an exaggerated mock cry if you lose, make it into a laugh with the children with a massive smile on your face. She’ll soon stop when it doesn’t get the effect she’s looking for.

Pegasussnail · 04/01/2022 09:14

Why is she allowed to fly into rages and you all have to sit quietly and take it? She sounds ill actually. I have a relative like this and we are both contact at the moment.

Thehop · 04/01/2022 09:16

I’d be seeing much much less of her. She’s not very nice at all.

Hoppinggreen · 04/01/2022 09:16

Why do you keep saying you get on brilliantly?
Sounds like you get on only if you put up with her crap and allow yourself to be treated badly.
I also think you are carrying some guilt that some would say your life has turned out easier than hers, stop that right now and stop putting up with her nastiness and tantrums

Brigante9 · 04/01/2022 09:16

Have you spoken to her about this, quietly, away from the situation? She sounds horrible, frankly.

Savoretti · 04/01/2022 09:18

I would wait til the next time she does it, calmly get up and say you will not take any more of her bullying and leave

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/01/2022 09:48

Yanbu

I'd be bringing it up with her in private.... "

Please don't do this... I don't like it... There's a difference between a bit of ribbing and nasty comments."

If she's genuinely thinking she's being funny rather than nasty, she would stop immediately!

CoraPirbright · 04/01/2022 09:58

Jealous. And really quite foul. I know that you say you get on brilliantly when you are alone but all this 0-60 nonsense - throwing furniture .....no wonder she hasn't been able to maintain relationships! She is utterly horrible so I would avoid being in a whole-family situation with her as I highly doubt she is going to change her ways. And can I just ask - when you get along brilliantly alone, are you just pussy footing around her? Bet you are. I have a family member who is v much like this (although doesn’t toss chairs around) and there is no changing her.

phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2022 10:05

I’d go LC with everyone involved if possible. What is the point of getting together if the family is on eggshells for one person and you’re all enabling her. Also, standing by while another family member insults another over and over is shi**y.

My own sister and I do not get on and she always had a problem with me and I would sit there and take it because I would get blamed as well or my mother would allow it. She actually moaned about a drink I ordered in front of our family and her friends in a restaurant, asking the waitress how much it cost down the street. I asked her politely and confused “what is wrong with ordering a pop” and our father jumps in saying we always do this. It was awkward for the waitress and awkward for the rest of the table. All this because she wanted me to order tap water when I don’t drink it. My dad even admits that she was always the aggressor but we were always both punished over it.

We are polite but I only see her in person every few years and occasionally on video chat when my mum is visiting her. We don’t talk outside of that.

Gargellen · 04/01/2022 10:06

You have described exactly how my sister was with me. I haven't spoken to her now for almost twenty years.

To my face she was OK. In the company of others she used to do exactly what your sister does to you. I binned her. It took ages for her to accept it. I just went NC and have never regretted it. As to the reasons why? Just nastiness probably, who cares? Why try and psychoanalyse it? The result is you feeling upset and miserable. She does it on purpose. You don't need to know any more than that really.

Notonthestairs · 04/01/2022 10:14

Your feelings are justified.

She won't change unless it becomes more embarrassing for her to do it than not.

Your parents should have pulled her up on this years ago. If they haven't done it yet they won't do it now.

Unless you are prepared to put your foot down by correcting her each and every time then it will continue. (And the first few times you correct her she'll wriggle and increase the piss taking so you'll need to be very determined and thick skinned).

phishy · 04/01/2022 10:16

Why are you putting up with this?

Tell her she needs to stop putting you down or you won't see her anymore. And mean it.

Or tell her to fuck off next time she puts you down and throw furniture at HER. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/01/2022 10:18

As others have said, why have you written that you get on brilliantly?

You clearly don't. She sounds jealous and spiteful. Why on earth do you sit and take it? Say "fuck off you jealous bitch" very loudly and clearly in her face. Let her kick off. Kick off back! Sounds like you have all pussyfooted around and kowtowed to a nasty madam all these years. Time for the tables to turn.

Original poster

toomuchmashaandthebear · 04/01/2022 10:37

Thank you for all of the replies. It makes
Me feel better knowing I am not over reacting. To answer some of the questions that have been asked...
Yes she has always been like this, even as a child she would have a massive meltdown if she didn't get her own way/anybody said anything to upset her. It has kind of just become a running joke in the family that she's a hot head and everybody just has to bite their tongue around her which I am now fed up of doing.

I say we get along brilliantly alone because we do have such a laugh together when it's just the two of us, we have a hobby in common and so we spend a lot of time talking about that or doing the activity together and things are great then. However now that I am thinking about it more I must admit that if she does say anything or do anything that upset me while we are alone I do just let it go because I don't want to ruin the nice time we are having.

I would hate to go no contact because we are very close and speak everyday/ see each other a lot and our DC are very close. But something does have to change because I can't just keep pussy footing around her tantrums, especially when most of it is directed at me

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2022 10:42

If you're being treated this badly, I wouldn't describe your relationship as 'close' as that implies that people care about each other. And I don't think she does.

LagunaBubbles · 04/01/2022 10:49

would hate to go no contact because we are very close and speak

Shes done a real number on you. The first mistake your whole family have made is putting up with her shit and drama, she's so used to noone actually pulling her up she can get away with anything. Open your eyes - you aren't close at all, you're putting up either getting treated like crap just so you think you are "close".

Heronwatcher · 04/01/2022 10:52

You do not get on brilliantly. It sounds like you constantly appease and tolerate her. She sounds awful. If you want a long term relationship with her then you need to set some boundaries- reduce contact and explain why very clearly or think of some put downs to use on her and put up with the fight. Your mum is right and life is too short- plus if your kids are there what will they be learning from this?

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