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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend time with whole family because of them

52 replies

toomuchmashaandthebear · 04/01/2022 08:07

Wrote this out once and it was wayyy too long so I've deleted and will try again to make it shorter! Have NC as it is very outing.

Me and my DSis get on brilliantly when we are on our own (majority of the time). We are both late 30s but have had very different lives so far. I went to uni, met my hubby, had my DCs (after a lot of fertility treatment) and am now retraining in a different field now my DC are a bit older. DSis had her first DC my niece at 16 and went on to have 2 more in quite quick succession. Unfortunately the relationships never worked out so she is now a single mom and is unable to work due to one of the DC having some issues.

Like I said we get on brilliantly and spend a lot of time together as we live in the same time. Although we get on well it's important to mention that she has a very volatile personality. She can go from being your best friend and the loveliest person you will meet to screaming insults in your face, throwing furniture ect in the space of 5 seconds. It's something all the family have dealt with forever and we just decide to make sure we try not to say anything that will upset her as it's not worth the aggro when she kicks off.

We all get together for big family days quite often as we all live so close. This is where my issue comes in. I don't know if I am just being very over sensitive and should grow up or whether I'm justified in feeling hurt.

Every single time we all get together I become the butt of all her jokes/comments. For example we were playing a game on Christmas Day (adults and DC's) and as soon as she opens the box she starts with comments like "oh god no one pair up with her, she cheats or will be awful if she doesn't win!" To which I just laugh it off. These comments continue every time I have a turn. To the point her children also then start joining in with the comments and laughing. Then I started to say in a different conversation that I was feeling a bit stressed about the holidays ending as I have some big deadlines coming up. She instantly starts laughing and saying comments like "god you just can't handle any stress can you, your always moaning, you don't know what a hard days work is like" ect.

If I do ever take the bait and comment back which I did in this instance I just said "come back to me when your in the same situation" she then starts cheering and saying "ooohh look we've hit a nerve, don't ever say anything to her or she will cry" ect.

This happens every time we are in front of other family members. It's like she is desperate to put me down in front of others and she wants to constantly be the centre of attention. I come out every time feeling hurt and wound up. My DM has often mentioned that she thinks my DSis is jealous of me because her life didn't turn out the way she wanted it and she thinks mine did (trust me my life is nothing to be jealous of, my marriage is on the rocks, we struggled to have our children and because I'm retraining we are in constant worrying debt, but that's a whole other thread!). I'm just sick of being made to feel bad because we didn't make the same choices in life.

Sorry for the super long post!! Please tell me if I just need to grow up and ignore or if I'm right to feel upset.

OP posts:
FortVictoria · 04/01/2022 10:53

A phrase I learned from Mumsnet:
“Did you intend to be so mean / hurtful?”

Horst · 04/01/2022 10:56

Your not close you are her personal punching bag. You’ve grown up to accept this position and to bite your tongue or just shrug it off.

Your sister is abusive it’s that’s simple. If this was your husband you wouldn’t put up with it, if this was one of your children’s when orders partner your be distraught that they where being treated that way. Stand up for yourself and stop being her punch bag. Abusive people don’t change they just pick new targets or get better at doing it.

Hoppinggreen · 04/01/2022 11:00

You are basically in an abusive relationship

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 11:28

Your sister is a nasty abusive person.

That you could describe your relationship as brilliant is so sad.

Are your children witnessing you being abused by her?

What an awful example to them.

Her children join in and you sit there accepting it?

Unbelievable.

Try and find some money for some counselling to figure out why you are so desperate for an abusive sibling in your life.

Think about what self respect means and why you have so little as to allow this.

Did you grow up in a home that your mother allowed your sister to abuse you all the time?

Gargellen · 04/01/2022 11:41

I agree with PPs. She is a created creature and you are partly at fault for enabling her ridiculous behaviour.

tootiredtospeak · 04/01/2022 11:50

It's the classic isnt it she feels shit about herself so putting you down makes her feel superior or maybe she thinks if she gets in their first no one will comment on her. Pull her up on it in one of your quiter times just you guys. Explain how your life isnt so good right now and although you know she might be joking!! It hurts and makes you feel upset. If she doesnt stop she is a dick and I would be telling her whether she kicks off or not. Just say to her I have told you in private now I am doing it in front of everyone. Do not speak down to me like that I dont like it.

Original poster
toomuchmashaandthebear · 04/01/2022 12:19

The more I read these replies the more I realise that her behaviour is definitely not acceptable and we are all party at fault because we have let her get away with it for so long. I do have a tendency to never want to upset anybody so that's why I haven't said anything so far but I will definitely be pulling her up on it next time it happens as it makes me miserable

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 04/01/2022 12:24

What do you think would happen if you talked to her about it when you were together as a two?

"When you put me down in front of other people it really upsets me. Why do you do it?"

Hoppinggreen · 04/01/2022 12:39

@toomuchmashaandthebear

The more I read these replies the more I realise that her behaviour is definitely not acceptable and we are all party at fault because we have let her get away with it for so long. I do have a tendency to never want to upset anybody so that's why I haven't said anything so far but I will definitely be pulling her up on it next time it happens as it makes me miserable
Don’t expect it to end well. She has had far too long without being challenged and I expect both her and her parents will blame you for trying to change this very unhealthy dynamic. You need to decide whether to put up with it or face the fallout. She will not suddenly say “oh yes, you’re right, I’m a complete cow but will now change” and don’t expect anything from your parents either other than blame for upsetting her
phishy · 04/01/2022 12:42

@HelloDulling

What do you think would happen if you talked to her about it when you were together as a two?

"When you put me down in front of other people it really upsets me. Why do you do it?"

If she's anything like my sister, she will turn it all around on the OP and fly off the handle again.

People like this cannot be reasoned with. They cannot accept they are ever in the wrong.

billyt · 04/01/2022 12:43

And do not, under any circumstance, give her any detail about how your life is crap at the moment.

It will just be more ammo for her to use.

SlamCrump · 04/01/2022 12:57

Op you mention her volatility and throwing furniture.

That doesn't sound quite right to me.

Does she have any mh conditions?

I am not excusing her behaviour vtw. She sounds awful.

Why doesn't your mother say anything?

Does your dh hear what she says? Could he speak up?

I suspect your dsis is exploiting your kind nature to make herself feel better. And owing to her difficult circumstances, and because you are kind, she has got away with it up to now.

Next time she suggests you meet, I would sit down quietly with her and say how you don't appreciate being spoken to that way in front of your family. Or her teaching her dc to insult you. And if she doesn't take it on board, I would go low contact.

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2022 13:05

She is violent.

She is aggressive.

She is abusive.

She is manipulative.

She is belittling.

If your husband (or any partner) did any of these things to you, what would you think?

YourenutsmiLord · 04/01/2022 13:25

Next time say 'You're just jealous because I've made a success of my life' .Or just you're jealous of me.
She's giving a horrible example to her DCs which I would guess will influence them long term to be nasty or snipey to someone because you can.

Original poster
toomuchmashaandthebear · 04/01/2022 13:35

@phishy this is what I predict is most likely to happen as she has never been able to take responsibility for anything and always turns everything back round on the other person.

@SlamCrump we have long suspected mh issues but she would never admit to anything let alone go to a dr about it! Her children do see this behaviour and this is now massively mirrored in their own behaviour, all 3 girls are aggressive (will trash the whole house if they don't get their own way, threaten to seriously harm each other in arguments ect) but anytime any of us have bought this up in the past about them needing boundaries or discipline we are met with either complete abuse or sob story

OP posts:
Original poster
toomuchmashaandthebear · 04/01/2022 13:38

And my DM won't say anything because she is scared of the abuse she gets if she does. They have fallen out many times in the past because of tiny issues but my DM would never dare bring up a big issue like this with her.

OP posts:
Gargellen · 05/01/2022 10:24

How does she manage in day to day life OP? Does she hold down a job? Does she scream at people in restaurants etc?

billy1966 · 05/01/2022 12:50

Why would you want to spend so much time with someone like this?

Why?

So what if she is your sister.

You whole family sounds very dysfunctional that such violence and abusive behaviour is clearly the norm.

I presume your children are around this ugliness too?

I think instead of being so focused on yourself and your sister, you should focus on the awful environment your children are around.

You are only NOW realising this is not normal?????

Start thinking about your children.

A responsible parent would not have their child near this woman, not for a minute.

Chamomileteaplease · 05/01/2022 13:13

It's hard to understand, as an outsider, how she manages to be someone whose company you enjoy when you are alone together. Because I think you can see that you are painting a really hideous picture of this woman.

How do you manage to have such a laugh? It seems incongruous.

I bet there is no one reading this who fancies spending even five minutes with your sister Sad.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/01/2022 13:34

I would hate to go no contact because we are very close and speak everyday/ see each other a lot and our DC are very close. But something does have to change because I can't just keep pussy footing around her tantrums, especially when most of it is directed at me.

You're right. Something does have to change, but you know it will never be her. Plus - she throws furniture? She isn't a 'hot head': that kind of behaviour is neither funny nor cute once a person reaches adulthood. She is abusive - judging by her extremely infantile taunts of you she also sounds more than usually immature - and this isn't helped by a family dynamic of enablers who pander to it.

This sort of thing never gets better, OP, but it does have a tendency to escalate. You can't change other people's behaviour; you can only change yourself. You will never be able to reason with this type of person. The only thing you can do to preserve your sanity is to take a large step back. I'd be inclined to start by removing yourself from the situation every single time she does this. And each time you do remove yourself, give it a longer lapse of time until you speak to her again.

If that doesn't work, then I would be reducing the amount of contact I had with her overall. Think of it as an investment in your own self-esteem.

No one has to tolerate this.

Sloth66 · 05/01/2022 13:44

Her DDs will start the same abusive behaviour to you, with your children watching.
Her behaviour has been enabled and tolerated for so long, it seems normal.
It absolutely isn’t, and I’d be removing yourself from her company with immediate effect.

Original poster
toomuchmashaandthebear · 05/01/2022 15:08

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I would hate to go no contact because we are very close and speak everyday/ see each other a lot and our DC are very close. But something does have to change because I can't just keep pussy footing around her tantrums, especially when most of it is directed at me.

You're right. Something does have to change, but you know it will never be her. Plus - she throws furniture? She isn't a 'hot head': that kind of behaviour is neither funny nor cute once a person reaches adulthood. She is abusive - judging by her extremely infantile taunts of you she also sounds more than usually immature - and this isn't helped by a family dynamic of enablers who pander to it.

This sort of thing never gets better, OP, but it does have a tendency to escalate. You can't change other people's behaviour; you can only change yourself. You will never be able to reason with this type of person. The only thing you can do to preserve your sanity is to take a large step back. I'd be inclined to start by removing yourself from the situation every single time she does this. And each time you do remove yourself, give it a longer lapse of time until you speak to her again.

If that doesn't work, then I would be reducing the amount of contact I had with her overall. Think of it as an investment in your own self-esteem.

No one has to tolerate this.

Thank you for this. You are right that it won't change. I have discussed it with my DH last night and decided we just won't go to these types of occasions again and I am going to also limit contact outside of that aswell.

@billy1966 that's not a helpful comment. My children are always removed from the room if around this type of behaviour and I know how to protect my children.

OP posts:
ShinyHappyPoster · 05/01/2022 15:12

I think it's possible to have a different relationship one-on-one than in a group. The group family dynamic is related to childhood and regressing in a way.

Original poster
toomuchmashaandthebear · 05/01/2022 15:22

@ShinyHappyPoster

I think it's possible to have a different relationship one-on-one than in a group. The group family dynamic is related to childhood and regressing in a way.
Yeah I 100% agree with this!
OP posts:
chillied · 05/01/2022 18:09

I think the violent furniture throwing tantrums mean that most other pps are right that you can't win here and should avoid her more.

But otherwise , I think you could try a private conversation with her to say that there seems to be a rolling joke around you cheating in games/ not handling stress or losing. And though you laugh along, actually, you are finding it hurtful and not a joke. So could you both work to change this "story" about you in the family?

It would be interesting to see if she could react well to this request?

My DM used to tell stories of our childhood where essentially I was the golden child and my DB less so. When he and I got wise to this pattern, we jointly tease her each time, make it visible that she's propagating this family "story" that isn't true and isn't much fun for my DB. I think she's more or less stopped. However I'm backing my DB up on this, question is, will your DSIS back you up?