Advice on an 18 year old nightmare son

[Kinggy]

Hello, I have put this in AIBU as I know it gets most responses. Sorry. I feel desperate and need advice.

My eldest is 18 in full time education with an EHCP for a language disorder, ADD and dyslexia. He finishes college in July 22. Currently my husband and I pay for everything because he can't have a job as he is a resident at a college located miles away from anything. He is a resident for the rest of the families benefit.

He has always been extremely difficult to live with. Massive melt downs, he is aggressive and violent. It has been so traumatic raising him. He hits his younger siblings and his father. He breaks a lot of things. His attitude and language stinks. We have called 999 before and I have personally called social services for help. Nothing happened. Every school and college have also been told but they too say that there is no help available.

This has been going on for years. During lockdown I was so depressed living with him, I was suicidal. I would drive around for hours to be away from him and would dream of driving into walls at speed. He locked me in rooms and called me and his siblings and dad all sorts of names. This Christmas Eve I took a knife to my wrist in dispare and desparation. Small cuts but nothing terrible: a cry for help.

I've gone to my GP numerous times over the years but we were turned down by CAMHS twice. The GP just says call the police.

After college, he most likely won't get PIP as he would pass any interview, but is also not likely to get a job paying very much either. He won't be able to leave home any time soon.

I have strict rules at home from the basics of clearing up after yourself or walking the dog etc. To major ones such as no smashing doors, kicking siblings etc. He just ignores them and then makes some excuse as to why it happened. Or he calls me names and says I am mean and horrible. He always blames other people.

I am dreading him coming home after his education. I have suggested to his dad that we get a divorce and he keeps our eldest; just so I can get away from him. I think we would fight over who would NOT have him.

I want him to leave, but know he has nowhere to go. His attitude is getting worse, not better. Even after the police came and spoke to him, he just was angry and said we were dreadful parents for calling 999 on him.

We paid for psychiatric counselling but this just seemed to validate his feelings and he became far far worse. Clearly the counsellor only heard his story. I know it is a journey, but I stopped paying for counselling.

His siblings hate him and love him. They would never forgive me for kicking him out as they know that his learning needs are not his fault and much of his behaviour is directly connected to that. Yet they hate his behaviour too. My daughter just stays in her room when he is home.

I can't win and I don't know what to do. I really need advice and guidance.

Oh goodness that sounds very difficult and it’s clear you’re at the end of your tether.
I’m sorry I don’t have much to offer in terms of practical advice, but would his college help refer him to a training/job scheme or similar after his education which understand his needs? I know that doesn’t solve everything but at least a step in the right direction. Has he spoken about work he might like to do after college?

Can you not arrange for him to transfer to supported accommodation after college? They should have some kind of transitional arrangement in place and would likely know the best places that would give him the independence he needs alongside the support he needs too.

Don’t dismiss the PIP thing. You’ll have enough evidence from his educational needs and his behaviours etc to show that he needs the additional support. It can’t hurt to give it a go instead of dismissing outright. This would also mean he could access more tailored support.

You have not choice. Contact social services now while he’s still away to see if they can support him to live somewhat independently.

Oh lovely that sounds dreadful 💐
You have been so kind and helpful to him
There are a few things which cross my mind

• illicit drugs - may explain some of his behaviour
• lots screen time
• lots access to porn
• personality disorder
• undiagnosed mental health condition

He is actually not a boy now - he is a man. Sadly there may be little you can do - he is an adult BUT you must look after yourself. He is abusive to you and the rest of the family. I have serious concerns for your safety. I think you need to prioritise the other children and keeping them and you safe. He needs to take responsibility for himself - if that means the police are involved so be it.

So there is supported living even if the person is not registered as disabled? He used to be registered as disabled, but when he reached 16 and needed to have an interview to get PIP, we didn't apply. Not only was it because we didn't think he would 'pass' but also he doesn't like being seen as disabled. He is 'normal' in all ways except for anything academic. This has led to him having huge anger issues.

It seems clear that the best solution is to support him to live independently. Is there any way you can manage that?

If you're in a fortune financial position (perhaps you are if you're currently paying private boarding school fees?) could you buy a small flat - keep it in your name so you don't feel you've given him a flat and treated his siblings unfairly and also so he can't sell it, blow the money and still end up moving back in with you - and rent it to him ata nominal rent, or let him live there rent free.

Obviously paying his rent for him is another option without buying.

Even better would be accessing an actual supported living facility with individual flats/ units or small groups, but that relies on him being willing to consider that arrangement and on a facility being available for his specific needs, which may well be unlikely unless he has further diagnoses not already mentioned, and especially if he'd be unlikely to qualify for financial support/ disability benefits.

I really don't think he has a drugs problem but do think that he has undiagnosed mental health problems. They have come from years of having to be in an educational system where anyone with learning needs is seen as failing and a problem to be dealt with. I think living close by to us so we can help with all the paperwork and organisation required in life would be ideal. He hates being at home too. He loves being a resident. He can have sex and go to the pub etc. When he is home, no girls are allowed over and I limit how drunk he can get.

He used to be registered as disabled, but when he reached 16 and needed to have an interview to get PIP, we didn't apply. Not only was it because we didn't think he would 'pass' but also he doesn't like being seen as disabled.

You've done yourselves and him a huge disservice there, and I'm pretty sure part of the solution in this situation is to get that sorted.

Unfortunately as he's now 18 and can simply (and by the sounds of it, will) tell you to fuck off I don't know how successful you're going to be.

I think you're going to have to contact college and social services, explain your case and say you cannot have him back home again, so he is now effectively homeless.

Cruel to be kind.

We can't afford to pay for another property or his rent. We don't earn enough. Moreover, as his younger siblings age, their financial needs are getting higher. They will likely all go to Uni and we will need to pay a lot towards that.

To be quite honest, we don't want to put money towards a 'child' who is so bloody horrible to us. I would give my children anything within my financial limits and the law if they showed respect and kindness. But he doesn't. He bites the hand that feeds him.

I bought his younger siblings a new phone each over the last 18 months (paid over a contract). His phone is now 4.5 years old and he was really upset he didn't get an upgrade. But I explained to him that he doesn't get anything like that because a) he is an adult now so I would end up having to pay for his new phone until he was 20! and b) he had just had a full blown fight with his father.

I would add that since he was 11, we have bought him 3 different phones on contract.

I think I will look into getting him PIP, not for the extra money, but to get other benefits; specifically independent living or social housing.

MH therapies can be part of his EHCP. Are there any in there now? You didn’t/don’t need an ordinary referral to CAMHS/adult MH services. Any PfA or OT?

The EHCP can last until 25 and can include longer placements than term time if needed.

Have you had social care assessments? An adult social care assessment for DS and a carer’s assessment for you. Do you have a Young Carers service locally?

Supported living isn’t based on whether DS receives PIP or not. Although DS, or if you apply to be his appointee you on his behalf, should apply for PIP anyway. Having an EHCP and being in a residential placement demonstrates a significant level of need. If DS successfully claims PIP he, or you on his behalf if you are his appointee, can then claim UC now, you don’t need to wait until DS has finished college.

You need to get him into some kind of supported living or assisted living. Could you consider getting an independent social worker to assess your needs and his needs? I hear what you are saying about him being able to pass interviews etc so you need someone independent of yourself who can make a proper detailed assessment of his ability to function independently of you. I get what you are going through. My eldest is severely autistic and has LD. He is also violent at times and there have also been many times when I have thought about driving into walls etc. I would also reach out the Challenging Behaviour Foundation. I have found them very supportive and helpful.

The is council run accomadation for young adults. Get a social worker, for yourself, explain that he can't come home, and get help in rehoming him.

You need to call gateway to care at your local council when they are open, apply for PIP, and get him into some sort of Independent living - my heart goes out to you OP, it's a terrible situation to be in, but phone calls must be made.
My eldest has ASD and gets ESA and an indefinite DLA award (has not been transferred over to PIP) so it is possible to get (hopefully quickly for you)

Apply for PIP, but independent living and social housing are not dependent on PIP. Although someone under 35 receiving help with housing costs is limited to the LHA shared accommodation rate, but someone receiving the daily living component of PIP it is the 1 bed rate.

@Kinggy

So there is supported living even if the person is not registered as disabled? He used to be registered as disabled, but when he reached 16 and needed to have an interview to get PIP, we didn't apply. Not only was it because we didn't think he would 'pass' but also he doesn't like being seen as disabled. He is 'normal' in all ways except for anything academic. This has led to him having huge anger issues.

You don’t need to be in receipt of pip to be classed as disabled.

No advice. I also have a similar aged son with a few of the same needs and we also suffer outbursts of violence and damaged property.
It’s so hard

Put quite bluntly he cannot come home you need to protect yourself too

That sounds incredibly difficult. Do you think you could encourage him with the PIP application bye saying it would give him some money? If he is hostile to being considered disabled, could you just encourage him to see it as a way of getting some extra cash?

I know on the face of it this sounds pretty awful, but it sounds like he should be entitled, and if he is entitled then he should be getting it.

@Kinggy your post made me feel so uncomfortable, sad and anxious... So I can't even imagine how you must feel about it. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, it's so far from what every mother dreams of when they have a baby. I'll keep everything crossed that you get some replies here that go some way to helping you with this, it's no way to live.

You should have had a review of the EHCP last half term or at least early in the new year when plans should be put in place for what happens after college. Are you sure there isn't the option of another year there as generally they usually run until they are nineteen. At the review you should speak up about your son needing to be accommodated out of the house after college. If you are in the East Midlands I can dm you a residential college that would most likely be a good fit.

If your son is in full time residential education with an EHCP he will have a team of people associated with his case. I would suggest you do some of the following - if he doesn't have a social worker you need to contact social services and ask for an assessment and a carers assessment. Ask for a review meeting with his education provider - what has already been suggested at the previous review - is he transitioning into work? Can you ask for at least an additional year in this setting - EHCP run to 25yrs. Apply for PIP. I have an adult son with complex needs and know how hard this is so I say this as kindly as I can...You need to re direct the energy you are putting into your anger and do some practical things to improve the situation.

This sounds incredibly difficult. Have you ever heard of livesinthebalance.org or The B Team? Might be helpful for you as it looks for ways to help teens with serious behaviour problems and offers support from parents facing similar issues.

In my view, it's never too late! The past doesn't have to dictate the future.

This is so hard to deal with.

I've faced similar and can only tell you how I coped and how it turned out. It may not be right for you. It was some time ago so support available will have changed. My dc refused all professional support I tried to put in place.

Initially, I reframed my thinking (eventually), to view myself as a support but not responsible for, my teen at 18 and beyond. I prioritised maintaining a nurturing relationship, without taking on board the life problems of my dc as far as possible.

I wouldn't let dc move back home - but I did pay a month's rent and deposit on a furnished room in shared house - far enough away so they couldn't walk back home but near enough so I could drive there easily.
I helped them move their stuff; sort out benefits if they were receptive; and was there at the end of the phone as a listening ear if needed. This kept the relationship open for support when things inevitably went pear-shaped.

If they phoned in a panic, I would answer initially, but gradually leaving a longer time to respond as time went on to enable them to have time to calm down and think of a plan. Now I leave it 24-48 hours to respond (they are much older now and I would say this kind of crisis only happens about once every couple of years now). If they ran out of money for food I would encourage them to try for a food parcel, and after that option was exhausted, I would supply a shopping bag of basic food items such as pasta, rice, bacon eggs, beans, cheese, bread, milk. I rarely if ever gave money, except for birthday and Christmas gifts of cash. Basically, I put some boundaries in place of what I would and wouldn't do.

Often they would phone or message saying how depressed and desperate they were - it tended to be cyclical. I had a plan for me cope with this as it was extremely stressful.
First - listening ear; encouraging them to think of options and priorities to improve situation.
Any threats of self harm/suicide I dealt with by acknowledging to myself and to them that I wasn't qualified to cope with this, and they must take responsibilty for seeking professional help for their own mental health.
I advised in an emergency, they visit A&E, Phone Samaritans.
Urgent - phone the local mental health team or visit GP
Less urgent - ask for assessment and treatment from GP and referral.

It was something of a rollercoaster, with bouts of homelessness (I always kept a small tent with sleeping bag to loan if that happened), I would also provide transport to view new room after eviction from accomodation); imprisonment (a few weeks due to non payment of fines); hospitalisation.

But through all this, we have managed to keep a good relationship on an even keel and now dc is very resourceful indeed.

It's not easy by any means.

I am not sure what the various acronyms mean:

PfA or OT?
ESA

When you say 'independent social worker' to assess your needs and his needs? Is this a private social worker? How do I go about that?

His EHCP was reviewed just before the end of term but I didn't know that I could put Mental Health support on there. They asked about life after college (he is 19 this year so leaves by then), and he said he wants to have an apprenticeship.

Thing is, that when he leaves school and goes to an apprenticeship, he loses his EHCP. They only keep their EHCP whilst they are in education. An apprenticeship is deemed work. I had a gut feel that the help with social housing for him would be best achieved if he still had his EHCP.

I have always had to spoon feed him and push and cajole him to do anything. Any summer/Christmas jobs etc have always been found by me and me literally dialing the number and handing him the phone. But he is so angry that he doesn't now take any advice from me. Our relationship is so dreadful that he actively won't do anything I ask.

I have also dug another really big hole for the situation. I have done his Level 2 and his Level 3 work to date. His brother did his GCSE English and Maths retakes when it was lockdown. I know, I know, this is wrong. However, I have always worked on the basis that he needs to earn enough to leave home (with no social help as we have always had that denied to us). I hoped that these qualifications would help him get a job. However, in reality, the jobs that require these qualifications he can't actually do.

If I need the college's help to find the assistance, I can't now go to his college and say that all the grades he has achieved to date were not his work!

On top of all of what I have said, I recognise that it is not only my son who is angry - I am very angry too. The pressure and distress over the years has really made me feel differently about him. That in itself makes him angrier - understandably. He also knows that I am desparately worried about him coming home, he feels unwanted, which makes him angry and his behaviour worse - ever decreasing circles.

My husband has up until the last 3-4 years backed our son, and said that I was unreasonable as it wasn't his fault for his behaviour. However, he has spent much more time at home due to Covid and ill health and has seen how our son behaves. This has led to a sea change in my husband and he backs me completely. Which means that our son his left feeling even more unsupported, angry and fighting.

Such a dreadful scenario. I can see how it has evolved over the years to where we are at. I feel so sad and such a failure as a mum.

Oh God you have really done your son no favours here. He's going to be offered an apprenticeship that is beyond his capabilities and most likely fail and that will damage his self esteem further. Realistically he isn't going to earn enough to house himself for many years especially with the rules around housing benefit and young people. That doesn't mean you have to house him though. You should contact IPSEA or SOSSEN and be honest with them and ask their advice. You should apply for PIP asap as being in a residential SEN college will add weight to the claim as you will have evidence of him having extra needs that way.

@Kinggy 'I feel so sad and such a failure as a mum'.

You're not a failure - you have tried incredibly hard to help and support your ds.
Alas, you can't make anyone accept that support. Sometimes people can only learn by their own life experience and making their own, sometimes dire, mistakes.

I tried to keep the relationship open so when they were ready they could reach out for that. But for my own well-being and that of my family, I had to put boundaries in place.

Just a note about accommodation. I paid for one month's rent only and a small deposit. I made clear after that it was up to dc to claim for rent.
I framed it in a positive way to them - how much they had grown up and would enjoy their independence and freedom.

PfA is preparation for adulthood
OT is occupational therapy
ESA employment and support allowance - for income based applications UC have now replaced it.

You can keep the EHCP with an apprenticeship or supported internship.

Have you looked at other specialist colleges that go beyond 19?

Surely the college realise the discrepancy in work completed there and qualifications sat prior to the pandemic and the work you and his brother have completed on his behalf. Have they not mentioned anything?

Yes, an independent social worker is a private one, someone on here may have a recommendation.

OP you need to educate yourself on what provision can be provided via the EHCP.