Advice on an 18 year old nightmare son

[Kinggy]

Hello, I have put this in AIBU as I know it gets most responses. Sorry. I feel desperate and need advice.

My eldest is 18 in full time education with an EHCP for a language disorder, ADD and dyslexia. He finishes college in July 22. Currently my husband and I pay for everything because he can't have a job as he is a resident at a college located miles away from anything. He is a resident for the rest of the families benefit.

He has always been extremely difficult to live with. Massive melt downs, he is aggressive and violent. It has been so traumatic raising him. He hits his younger siblings and his father. He breaks a lot of things. His attitude and language stinks. We have called 999 before and I have personally called social services for help. Nothing happened. Every school and college have also been told but they too say that there is no help available.

This has been going on for years. During lockdown I was so depressed living with him, I was suicidal. I would drive around for hours to be away from him and would dream of driving into walls at speed. He locked me in rooms and called me and his siblings and dad all sorts of names. This Christmas Eve I took a knife to my wrist in dispare and desparation. Small cuts but nothing terrible: a cry for help.

I've gone to my GP numerous times over the years but we were turned down by CAMHS twice. The GP just says call the police.

After college, he most likely won't get PIP as he would pass any interview, but is also not likely to get a job paying very much either. He won't be able to leave home any time soon.

I have strict rules at home from the basics of clearing up after yourself or walking the dog etc. To major ones such as no smashing doors, kicking siblings etc. He just ignores them and then makes some excuse as to why it happened. Or he calls me names and says I am mean and horrible. He always blames other people.

I am dreading him coming home after his education. I have suggested to his dad that we get a divorce and he keeps our eldest; just so I can get away from him. I think we would fight over who would NOT have him.

I want him to leave, but know he has nowhere to go. His attitude is getting worse, not better. Even after the police came and spoke to him, he just was angry and said we were dreadful parents for calling 999 on him.

We paid for psychiatric counselling but this just seemed to validate his feelings and he became far far worse. Clearly the counsellor only heard his story. I know it is a journey, but I stopped paying for counselling.

His siblings hate him and love him. They would never forgive me for kicking him out as they know that his learning needs are not his fault and much of his behaviour is directly connected to that. Yet they hate his behaviour too. My daughter just stays in her room when he is home.

I can't win and I don't know what to do. I really need advice and guidance.

@DannyWotty1

Your post makes me feel very sorry for your son - you don't like him and treat him differently to your other children. He must feel.so rejected and does not have the maturity to deal with this. It is not his fault he has multiple learning disabilities. And as the eldest he must feel like a complete failure. Why will you not get him a new phone? because of an argument? that seems petty. you've said you will support your other children financially in higher education, why not him? you've been given lots of advice on practical ways to help with his future - but do you love him? sounds like you don't, and he will know this.

This.

Surely if he has a EHCP he can remain in education until 25?

Also at 18 you can refuse to have him live with you, a placement, supported living and/or housing would have to be found for him. You should be looking at another residential if he is unable to stay where he is?

You don’t have to pay to rent a property for him, he would be entitled to benefits which would cover his rent if he’s unable to work.

The college will probably have a good idea that someone else did his coursework- although I don't really understand how you managed it if he's at a residential placement. I worked in specialist adult education for several years , and it was quite obvious that many men we saw had had all their academic work completed by someone else. We once had a man who had certificates at GCSE-level study, but who couldn't actually read!

I think your best bet is to tell the college that he cannot come home. He is violent towards his parents and siblings, and you have a duty of care towards your other children.

@Kinggy
Sorry your going through this op, but being ADD or anything else is no excuse for his behaviour, he's an adult now as should be held responsible for his actions, you need to think of your own health aswell or you will run yourself in to the ground.

Contact a social worker and hopefully they can get you help for independent living accommodation,wish you all the best going forward 💐

Your post makes me feel very sorry for your son - you don't like him and treat him differently to your other children. He must feel.so rejected and does not have the maturity to deal with this. It is not his fault he has multiple learning disabilities. And as the eldest he must feel like a complete failure. Why will you not get him a new phone? because of an argument? that seems petty. you've said you will support your other children financially in higher education, why not him? you've been given lots of advice on practical ways to help with his future - but do you love him? sounds like you don't, and he will know this.

DannyWotty and AbsentMindedWoman - you have hit the nail square on and that is what I feel dreadfully guilty about. This situation has evolved over many many years, where I have struggled and struggled as a mother and asked so many times from so many places for help as I knew I wasn't coping, so much so I am suicidal over it all. And the guilt is horrific.

He isn't treated differently, the rules for all my children are the same. If any of my children break something in a fit of rage or swear, they are sent to their room. The difference is, that has happened daily with my eldest and about once a month for one other child and never for the other child. Once they are sent to their rooms they calm down, but my eldest doesn't. He smears stuff on walls and windows and smashes TVs and remotes etc.

I know that you are both right in that he feels unwanted and rejected. It is a very difficult situation and one that I have seen coming for many years and why I have asked for help from the schools etc.

His residency is paid for by us at over £6k a year - we have taken out a £15k loan to pay for it and I went back to full time work in order to pay for it. We don't get his residency paid for.

He emails me his course work and I take time off work to research and rewrite it. I email it back.

But the situation now is what the family are facing. It is an ever decreasing circles situation. He is extremely rude, he gets told off (by me or his dad), he kicks off and swears at us and bangs doors, he is told off again, the then breaks the doors and kicks his siblings me or his dad (I add I have been put into hospital once by his outbursts and his brother twice, I spent 23rd December in hospital A&E with his younger sibling who is still in a sling).

So over the years we have spiralled into where we are. His learning needs are not his fault, nor are they mine, my husbands or my other children's. We are ALL suffering from his learning needs, not just him. I used to think it was my fault that I wasn't coping, right up until when my husband started to spend a lot more time at home about 3-4 years ago. I then realised that even my husband couldn't cope with our eldest son.

He didn't get a new phone because he is an adult and as we don't buy it outright, we pay for it as part of a contract, so I would be still paying for it when he is 20 - I won't be doing this for any of my children not just him. However, his behaviour has meant that he didn't help his cause to get a new phone either.

I will support my other younger children in higher education because they are academically capable. He isn't. He wasn't capable to do a Level 2 or his GCSEs. I supported him so far both academically and financially. I have decided not to support him any further, but quite frankly should not have supported him to the degree I have because we have been cheating.

You ask a really pertinent question, do I love him? I am so confused, depressed, sad and angry at the daily onslaught of his aggression, that I am not sure. I don't know. All my emotions are swirled up in a mess.

But I do know that the financial and academic and organisation support I have given him is far greater than any other parent I know. I spend hours helping him on a weekly basis. Is this love? Duty? Is that enough?

If/when he comes back to live with us after his education, the situation won't get better. I really fear that I will lose my other children because they can't cope with their older brother. My youngest child cried when she realised that her eldest brother was coming home for Christmas. We have even stopped having family holidays because it is a waste of money, as our eldest's behaviour is so problematic that holidays are ruined.

im sorry OP but you need to not let him go home to your house.

One way or another he needs to find alternative accomodation. as for you doing his work for him, you are not helping him at all. You are slightly enabling him (sorry)!

sorry to be blunt its so easy for an outsider to say this. But you need to protect your other children and yourself/husband

Pip are rarely interviewing face to face at the moment due to covid.
You can talk to them- dangle the carrot so to speak with the cash. It's a gate keeper benefit and opens lots of doors.
Two of my DS' have top rate pip and full ehcp's. Ds1 had severe mental health problems (I had a long running thread on here with a different name) and was sectioned in a high security hospital for two years. He was diagnosed under 16 with schizophrenia. He now lives independently and has just gained a degree.
Ds3 is last year of sixth form. I spoke to pip assessor.
There is a bit of a knack to the forms. Some advice wouldn't hurt you.
And tbh I second, third and multiple agree that saying ' we can't' is the best thing. For all your sake. They will lean on you but you have to be strong.
Message me if I can help.

Sounds to me like your DS would benefit from being away from you permanently. You clearly aren’t able to understand or accept his neurodiversity. I hope he can find the understanding and support he needs elsewhere. I say this as the mother of an autistic PDA child.

Hi sorry I haven't read the thread or replies. I work in adult social care. Ring them and say exactly what you said in the op. They wont care about the PIP. You are in the midst of carer breakdown. You need to be open and honest, don't panic about them "taking him away" or anything, that won't happen. Also the police can be pretty good in these situations. They have mh units now that they can refer to (and will come out within hours) in cases like these.

Ring up and tell them, there are lots of supported loving options from quite high intervention to quite low. Trust me ASC would rather deal with this while he is living with a supportive family then of he ends up in temporary accommodation.

OP, when my eldest son was 18, he moved from children's social care to adult social care. With the help of a really good adult social worker, he found a small residential home for people with ling term mental illness. He has mental health difficulties, but he also has ASD.

Finding suitable residential accommodation was very difficult. ASD specific accommodation was very scarce, accommodation for people with learning disabilities was also not suitable, and several places would not take my son, due to a risk assessment which detailed his behaviour (he had been arrested and sectioned when he was 17).

My son is now 22 and living in supported accommodation. He is much calmer and more settled. He had 1:1 support in his residential placement, and he now has daily visits from his support team. We see him very frequently, although I still supervise when he is with his younger brother (who also has behavioural problems due to MH and other issues).

He should have a review of his EHCP, if necessary an emergency review. There should also be a team focused on his transition to adult services (we had to fight for this). Make it clear that your son cannot come home on a permanent basis.

He needs a team around him, and he needs support into adulthood. I am really surprised that the college are not being more proactive.

Sorry, the last two paragraphs referred to OP's son, not mine.

I have a 20 year old with autism and he is my eldest. He lives with us and I pay his phone contract.

We have a pretty harmonious time in part because we have different expectations for him than for our other children. They don't complain as it's been explained that different people have different needs and they are lucky enough not to have his challenges. They will go to uni, live independently etc and he will not, at least not yet.

I am really horrified to read about you cheating through his qualifications. This is a huge disservice to him and sets him up for failure as he does not have the skills he has qualifications for. My ds took his English GCSE 5 times and eventually passed functional skills level 2. It never crossed my mind to cheat. Apart from anything it gives him a huge message that you have no faith in his competence or ability. You can't remove his responsibility completely in one area of life and then be surprised that he doesn't take responsibility in other areas of his life.

Good luck. I admire your honesty on this thread but it's all a big mess isn't it?

Oh OP.

You’re clearly doing your best and are taking your responsibilities as far as you can. I suspect that you have issues of your own, and frankly you’ve been a terrible advocate for your child. Really awful. That’s probably not your fault but it really is time to hand this over to those who know what they’re doing.

You need someone else to advocate for your son and what YOU need to do is find that service/person and let them get on with it. I’d recommend getting hold of someone at SOS SEN by email and showing them what you’ve written here and asking for help to unpick this holy mess.

Your son is disabled. In exactly the same way as if he had a physical issue. You need to view everything you do from that point of view.

In all my years of SEN advocacy this thread has shocked me the most.

OP, you should not live in a situation in which you are physically attacked, where property is broken, where siblings (and parents) are emotionally terrorised. What is more, you have a duty to keep your other children safe.

Living with someone who no matter what disability or illness they have, engages in frequent and serious behaviour that challenges, is living in an abusive situation (even if the abuse is not deliberate).

Some posters, with the best intentions, seem to be adding to the 'guilt' you must feel, OP. You are not 'guilty' of anything. We sometimes ,make mistakes, but when there is so little guidance on how to behave when our children are our assailants, or when education seems to be failing them, we may take unorthodox measures.

I felt a failure when my son went into residential care. Even more so, because he chose to go into residential care (he has enjoyed the friendships and safety he experienced in hospital). I also felt inadequate because friends with children with ASD/MH difficulties, seemed to manage so well. Yet each situation is different.

As other posters have advised, please contact adult social care and the college and get the move to a suitable and therapeutic next step in place. Your son has said he likes residential living. That is really important when it comes to considering his needs and preferences.

I've always done the same as @teenylittlefella as well. My older ones have always known that expectations were different for the two with autism because they were based on what they can manage.
Your funding the residency makes things not as straightforward as the EHCP doesn't support the need for him to be accommodated elsewhere if the LA isn't funding it. Can I assume it's not a SEN college either?
You really do need to get advice from IPSEA or SOSSEN and quickly to get an EHCP that reflects his full needs and identify the sort of provision to meet his needs. I suspect though that your cheating for him will most likely rule out the sort of placement he'd benefit from as he will be seen as too academically able for the co-hort already there.

@Bollindger

The is council run accomadation for young adults. Get a social worker, for yourself, explain that he can't come home, and get help in rehoming him.

I would do this. Save your energy and grace on supporting him outside of your home. He's using up all your oxygen.

When he leaves education he can claim universal credit. If you help him get a private rental property he can claim housing costs which will pay some or all of the rent (depends on costs and area ) . UC is separate to pip

@GettingItOutThere

im sorry OP but you need to not let him go home to your house.

One way or another he needs to find alternative accomodation. as for you doing his work for him, you are not helping him at all. You are slightly enabling him (sorry)!

sorry to be blunt its so easy for an outsider to say this. But you need to protect your other children and yourself/husband

I was going to post exactly that, @GettingItOutThere.

There are schemes all over the country for young people like your son, OP. The referral route can be via Adult Social Care, but going through the council's homelessness team is invariably quicker. I would get in touch with them and explain that he is leaving his residential placement but that you can't have him back at home because of his issues. May be best to approach both, especially if you live in a shire county area where social care and housing are dealt with by different councils (county and district/borough respectively). The co-ordination between services is invariably better in a London borough or metropolitan authority.

He is an adult, and he has health conditions/disabilities that make him vulnerable. Therefore, the council has a statutory duty to house him if he is homeless. They may also involve adult social care for assessment, so that the accommodation he is allocated is appropriate for his needs.

There are schemes for people like your son all over the country, OP. They provide varying degrees of support, from rooms in a group home that is staffed 24/7 to flats in general needs housing, but with extra support to help them manage independent living.

And definitely help him apply for PIP, ideally with help from a welfare rights/benefits adviser, or look into getting the guide from an organisation called Benefits and Work. The forms are quite technical and it's very different from DLA.

PIP is important, because without it, he will be restricted to the shared accommodation rate for help with housing costs and would be unlikely to be able to afford a place of his own. And his EHCP would be good supporting evidence.

I used to work in this area, so feel free to pm me if you want clarification of anything.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread but if no one has suggested it look in the pegsupport website for child to parent abuse. There are free courses and support. lots of us have children with additional needs.

I’m shocked that you have been doing his school work for him, making him out to be more academically able than he is, this has not helped him at all and could make it impossible to get him further support for 18+. Why would you want to do that? Seems like you have just paid to keep him away from you rather than facing the challenges he has with his behaviour and his learning disabilities.

I do understand why you want to protect your other dc and I understand why you wouldn’t want a violent teen in the house but you have gone the wrong way about getting him the support he needs and are now facing the possibility of your ds having nowhere to go post 18. Of course you are well within your rights to refuse to have him back home but you have set him up to be homeless by not allowing him to fail academically by doing his school work for him, this could also effect him getting PIP or any support for a learning difficulty because on paper he’s probably presenting as not having a learning disability.

I am a mum of 2 teens with SEN’s, one is academic and does get PIP (it was turned down at first), the other will likely need support for the rest of her life due to wing severely autistic, she has a ehcp and will be in education until she’s 24/25. Life with her living at home is hard and I do hope one day she can access supported living or residential care.

@nellynellie

It is so heartening to read of your commitment to your child and also your awareness of your own limitations and some of how you lived out both those things. As someone who doesn't know what the future will look like with my own children, I'm so thankful to you for sharing.

OP, I hope you get the support you and he need - I have found Contact a wonderful source of advice and support.

Nellynellie

I am so impressed. I am in the same situation with my son aged 23 but unable to step back. I will read what you say again and again - thank you

When he is 18 you are no longer legally responsible for him
He will be
An adult
Hand him over to social services adult care

You will lose any benefits you receive for him

Equity does not equal equality. You have, and still are expecting, DS to react and behave as an NT individual. 


If the residential college placement is in DS’s EHCP the LA are responsible for all costs. Why are you paying?

He emails me his course work and I take time off work to research and rewrite it. I email it back.

This is ridiculous, but surely the college, and school before, notice the difference between work completed in class and work that isn’t.

DS may legally be an adult but he is still in full time education, therefore unless you are over the income limits you are still receiving benefits for him.

He emails me his course work and I take time off work to research and rewrite it. I email it back.

What?????
Whatever possessed you to do this?
You need to come clean
Just Stop doing this
Whoever advised you to do this was very out of order
He needs to fail
To get support

Let him fail
Talk to adult socialcare
Say you won't be caring for him or have him at home to protect the siblings
Investigate supported living or therapeutic living settings

Mayb e some kind of supported work facility fir oeiplexeitg asd and mh issues