MIL disappointed I had a girl

[cakeforthewin]

I feel I should be over this by now but when we announced our first (and only) child was a girl, MIL responded by saying 'it's not fair' and then went on to say how my mother would have one of each (my brother has a boy) and basically it wasn't fair. My daughter is their fourth granddaughter and in my heart I knew they were hoping we'd have a boy. AIBU to think she shouldn't have verbally expressed her disappointment to me? My DD is 3 now and I should be over it I know. I know they love her but I wish she had at least apologised just to get come closure on it.

Ask her for an apology.

Explain how much her comment upset you.

urgh of course she should apologise but she probably thinks it's water under the bridge now and too late
get your DH to ask her for an apology. Presumably he agrees she was unreasonable?

Not quite the same but my parents were furious when we said we were expecting a 2nd. Because our DC1 was the most amazing thing that ever happened to them apparently. They didn't want DC2 to 'spoil' that.
They did apologise a couple of days later. I was really upset.

What does your DH say?

She does sound like a really rude, and obnoxious woman. Not fucking FAIR! Is she 5! Did she stamp her feet and scream and scream until she was sick.

God she’s an utter fool. What did your DH say to her?

Some people will never be happy no matter what you do. They're determined to find a reason to be disappointed. Even if you'd had a boy, she would've found his name unacceptable, or criticised your parenting or something else. How much of a difficult person do you have to be to be disappointed in other people for not having the right children to please you? There's a couple of people like this in my family and they'll never apologise, but my opinion of them has diminished. Amazing how many interfering family members manage to make other people's children all about themselves.

That's just a horrible comment to make. Speaking as a Mum a midwife and a gran, each and every baby is a blessing.

Tell her it's the man that provides the chromosome to determine the sex.

It was a horrible, thoughtless thing to say BUT it was three years ago so if the relationship is otherwise good, let it go. She obviously doesn't care or remember that she said it so you're only hurting yourself by hanging on.

You need DH to say something.

She sounds crackers.

She’s disappointed you had a girl, you’re disappointed she’s a complete cunt, so perhaps you’re even.
I wouldn’t be spending much time with her in your position.

It was a very silly comment I agree. However she probably assumes you don't even remember it now. I would try to forgive and move on for all your sakes, unless of course she is still making any kinds of comments like this 3 years on?!

I think if you were going to address it it would have had to have been earlier. It was a ride, unkind and childish thing to say but it was 3 years ago.

@Frazzled2207

urgh of course she should apologise but she probably thinks it's water under the bridge now and too late get your DH to ask her for an apology. Presumably he agrees she was unreasonable?

Not quite the same but my parents were furious when we said we were expecting a 2nd. Because our DC1 was the most amazing thing that ever happened to them apparently. They didn't want DC2 to 'spoil' that.
They did apologise a couple of days later. I was really upset.

She probably does think it's water under the bridge now. I have left it too long and I am a classic over thinker! I wish I had said something at the time but tbh I was in shock. It was a stressful pregnancy due to my own medical issues and I couldn't have coped with the additional fall out. I kick myself now though.

DH didn't say anything. I've told him how it's upset me and he just says she didn't mean anything by it and she probably regretted it as soon as the words left her mouth.

Thank you for all your replies. I guess it's reassuring I'm not being unreasonable by still feeling hurt by it. I guess I am BU for not speaking up about it. I just haven't wanted to deal with any additional stress or family fall out. I always thought an apology may bring some closure but thinking about it a prompted apology wouldn't mean anything would it?

I guess I just need to learn how to let it go. Any tips?

And frazzled I'm sorry you and anyone else has had to experience unwelcome comments too! x

Mine was disappointed she only had grandsons until our daughter came along and since has enjoyed gloating about how special she is and aren’t we great that we had a girl, my poor SIL must want to combust when she hears her harp on and massively overlooks their 3 wonderful boys. Even recently when another boy was born on the SIL’s side (no girls between any of them) she rather proudly announced that yet again no more girls other than her special granddaughter. It’s petty and ridiculous and hurtful.

We raise it time and time again and nothing changes, if you think it would give you closure I’d raise it but I think I would probably try to let it go after all this time, you likely won’t get anything from her that will make you feel any better. It’s incredibly frustrating.

In my experience a lot of people have no idea what falls out of their mouths, so they are not capable of taking responsibility for it.

My mil has 6 dgs.. I had a dd.. She bigged up my gift..
It was a huge frying pan.
Mil's are odd op.
Let dh deal with her.
Liberating..
Ime.

Did you never say anything afterwards? I don't know that I could have stopped myself, even if it was a quiet 'You didn't mean it did you when......' said one day when there was just the two of us and the baby.

What does she doesnt mean anything by it really mean

why would anyone say that in the first place

You need closure and the way to get is to raise it with her.

You’re letting her get away with shitty behaviour.

Some people are just so weird and rude. Can't imagine saying stuff like that.

she is a pyscho

How to let it go? Deep breath and mentally put it in a box and slide it to the back of your mind. Carry on with life and don't let it spoil what it doesn't need to

You don't have to forget. You don't even really have to forgive. Just put it away where it's in the dark and get it out when YOU are in the mood for a good old scowl over it and know it's your choice how to feel and your choice to not let it fester.

My X MIL said ''Never mind'' when XH told him DD3 was born !!

I've never forgotten it and that's 22 years ago!

It was a horrible thing to say but it was also 3 years ago. I think at this stage letting it go would be easier. You could try writing it all down. Or use mindfulness to try not to engage with the story?

Surely her actions are more important than her words? She was wrong to say what she did but she's proven that, despite her disappointment, she's a loving grandmother. In many ways that proves how much she loves your daughter. What are you hoping to achieve by opening up the debate again and why do you feel so very angry when she clearly loves her granddaughter and I'm sure wouldn't want her to be anything other than her.