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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL disappointed I had a girl

55 replies

cakeforthewin · 02/01/2022 21:08

I feel I should be over this by now but when we announced our first (and only) child was a girl, MIL responded by saying 'it's not fair' and then went on to say how my mother would have one of each (my brother has a boy) and basically it wasn't fair. My daughter is their fourth granddaughter and in my heart I knew they were hoping we'd have a boy. AIBU to think she shouldn't have verbally expressed her disappointment to me? My DD is 3 now and I should be over it I know. I know they love her but I wish she had at least apologised just to get come closure on it.

OP posts:

OakPine · 02/01/2022 22:07

The older I get the more I realise that older relations are not always right, and definitely not always worth listening to.

Don't let her thoughts enter your mind. YOUR only thought on this is that she is a thoughtless, rude, and inconsiderate person.

Learn not to listen to her opinion.
xx

Lotusmonster · 02/01/2022 22:07

It’s pathetic behaviour of MIL for sure. But why are you ruminating over this 3 years later?!

billy1966 · 02/01/2022 22:10

Awful thing to say.

Especially after your struggles.

Your husband minimising it is nearly worse.

What a shower.

ohdeardaddyibrokeitagain · 02/01/2022 22:10

Having just cut the cord of my DD and taken myself off for a good cry at how beautiful she was, I rang my parents to deliver the news and the first words out of my Dad's mouth were 'oh well, better luck next time..' Speechless.
Fast forward 4 years and our second, a boy, is stillborn. A week or so later DP's Mother calls to see how she is and then goes on for 10 mins talking about how beautiful SIL's new baby girl is while DP is on the floor in pieces.
My point is this: My dad thought he was being funny, DP's Mother has always been completely insensitive. Some people are fucking useless when it comes to emotional awareness. You have to get over the initial stab of hurt, look in the mirror and say it's not your fault that they are insensitive/idiotic or just plain nasty, then get on with your own life.

boofg · 02/01/2022 22:14

I had a similar reaction with father in law. Announced baby was a girl and he looked pissed off and didn't say a word. Apparently because it meant the family name wouldn't carry on (I think he forgot brother in law had also had a baby which was a boy). I never quite forgave him for the comment.

Flickflak · 02/01/2022 22:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Laserbird16 · 02/01/2022 22:19

Some people are just thoughtless. I'd judge your MIL on how she behaves and just shrug off her silly comment. Maybe imagine her as Mrs Bennett in Pride and Prejudice harping on about how you'll all be disinherited

Kitkat151 · 02/01/2022 22:19

People are weird and come out with shite....but it’s over 3 years ago....time to move on

ClaudiaJ1 · 02/01/2022 22:19

I would have said something like; "well blame your son for that, since it's the sperm that decides the sex of the baby."

SophieKat1982 · 02/01/2022 22:20

My children are all in their late teens now but I still remember and get bothered by some of the unpleasant comments made by my exHs family when I was pregnant. I resent them and myself that these comments spoiled what I really needed to be a very calm and enjoyable experience (we’d previously miscarried).

I doubt they gave these comments a second thought once they’d left their mouths. Some people, tbf, are just spoiled and selfish.

I do have 3 wonderful children that my ex ILs now frequently tell me they’re very proud of.

It’s very sad and people can be very thoughtless. I think sometimes they simply just do not think before they speak.

Sorry I have no advise but I do empathise.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 02/01/2022 22:22

My dmil who was otherwise a sensible person was disappointed when SIL had a boy. It was the fourth grandson in a row. For good measure she also said she didn't like his name! We put it down to a silly half hour in an otherwise unblemished line.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 02/01/2022 22:25

@ohdeardaddyibrokeitagain

Having just cut the cord of my DD and taken myself off for a good cry at how beautiful she was, I rang my parents to deliver the news and the first words out of my Dad's mouth were 'oh well, better luck next time..' Speechless. Fast forward 4 years and our second, a boy, is stillborn. A week or so later DP's Mother calls to see how she is and then goes on for 10 mins talking about how beautiful SIL's new baby girl is while DP is on the floor in pieces. My point is this: My dad thought he was being funny, DP's Mother has always been completely insensitive. Some people are fucking useless when it comes to emotional awareness. You have to get over the initial stab of hurt, look in the mirror and say it's not your fault that they are insensitive/idiotic or just plain nasty, then get on with your own life.

Wise words. I am so very sorry for your loss.

MaryShelley1818 · 02/01/2022 22:28

It was a silly comment over THREE years ago. Does she treat your daughter well? If so, it's well past time you moved on, not for her but for your own benefit x

campion · 02/01/2022 22:33

Your 3 yr old daughter has a loving grandmother. Do you really want to rock the boat now? She put her foot firmly in her mouth when she said that but she's shown you that it didn't really matter. Has she said it since?
People do say stupid things, I'm afraid, but it was thoughtless not malicious.

Minniem2020 · 02/01/2022 22:40

When I told my mil I was expecting a boy her response was "oh but (DPS name) wanted a girl".
We've now got our 2nd ds on the way and my dp has absolutely no preference whatsoever as long as they're okay.
I actually commented to dp the other day that it's a good thing I know what she's like and don't take it to heart as some people could be really hurt by her comments.

Mischance · 02/01/2022 22:43

She sounds a real charmer. I would be less worried about what she said all that time ago than I would be about having to tolerate such a pillock of a MIL ongoing.

mumshouse · 02/01/2022 22:46

I will never not find this attitude confusing. Who shrinks a child down to their genitals? It's not like anything else separates them especially as babies.

Do they think "I'll visit the penis-baby tomorrow and the vagina-baby today?" or something?

Greenrubber · 02/01/2022 22:47

My MIL did the same! I can honestly say that she loves all her granddaughters tho all 6 of them no boys yet!

Glitterbells · 02/01/2022 22:52

That’s awful.
I can see why you feel, rationally thinking, you should be over it, they treat her well, it was three years ago.
However if someone dismisses your child in some way it’s really hurtful. I didn’t have this around the birth, but think a close relative not bothering on their birthday - even though they have made a lot of effort on other occasions. So I try to rationalise that I shouldn’t take one incident in their lifetime so personally.
However it really stings when your child is snubbed in some way or someone puts a dampener on your joy about your dc. It’s so much worse than if they had directed a comment/negative action at you.

I don’t know what good raising it would do now though.
Is there anyone else you could speak to irl, not your dp but someone who you could discuss and vent to?
It helped me to moan and rant about previous situation then just be able to let it go.

What I have said however is that if there is any further action or remark that was dismissive of my dc, I would be on my guard and speak directly with this person about their behaviour.

Biscuitandacuppa · 02/01/2022 22:54

My grandmother told my mother when she was pregnant with me “if it isn’t a boy you can send it back”, and out popped me! It was all to do with carrying on the family name.

Incredibly hurtful comment to make, every baby is a blessing. Ignore her, life is too short to ruminate on the unkindness of others.

Meadowblossom · 02/01/2022 22:56

Have you ever said anything stupid yourself that you now cringe about OP? I know I have.

ittakes2 · 02/01/2022 23:01

I would take this as a learning point - if something upsets you find your voice at the time. it happened years ago...let it go now.

EmmaH2022 · 02/01/2022 23:03

@Frazzled2207

urgh of course she should apologise but she probably thinks it's water under the bridge now and too late get your DH to ask her for an apology. Presumably he agrees she was unreasonable?

Not quite the same but my parents were furious when we said we were expecting a 2nd. Because our DC1 was the most amazing thing that ever happened to them apparently. They didn't want DC2 to 'spoil' that.
They did apologise a couple of days later. I was really upset.

My jaw was on the floor reading this.

I'd have been making a big deal about getting them a psych assessment, but that's me! My parents once had a go at me for getting a fab new job. I made it very clear how I felt about that behaviour. Luckily the job itself gave me an excuse not to see them for a while.

OP I would say something to your MIL otherwise it might come out in less controlled conditions.

Lockdownbear · 02/01/2022 23:07

Op let it slide, it's 3 years.
The moment is long gone. My MIL did the same thing with my baby after TTC for 4 years, hope it's a girl.

Some people open their mouths before engaging brain. But there again maybe another GS wasn't that interesting so she went to visit her DDs sons when mine was due, and blanked my comment he would be here on time.

Do I give a toss, nope her loss. I know where they are on her priority list.

BrotherHelp · 02/01/2022 23:09

Wow, that’s really horrible and I would have to say something if it was still bothering me, how they can say something like that and not think a month later “shit I should apologise” is bizarre.

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