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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you class this as favouring one DC over another?

97 replies

Blatentfavouritism · 02/01/2022 17:18

Out for a few family meals over Christmas and when it comes to paying parents say they will pay for DC1 and partner and other DC2 pays for themselves and partner and GC1 (1 year old).

This isn't a one off. Always ends up with either DC2 paying for everyone or like this, even when DC2 suggests splitting the bill 3 ways.

AIBU to think this shows favouritism towards the child and partner they always pay for?

So not to drip feed, both DC on ok wages, DC1 is a 2 wages household and DC2 Is a 1 wage household with a young child.

OP posts:

Booklover3 · 02/01/2022 21:47

YANBU

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 02/01/2022 22:03

@Bistedandtwitter I would have exploded if I was you. I practically have just reading your post, and you are a total stranger.

Bistedandtwitter · 02/01/2022 22:18

[quote AtomHeartMotherOfGod]@Bistedandtwitter I would have exploded if I was you. I practically have just reading your post, and you are a total stranger.

How did they even get their hands on all your stuff? The absolute fuckers. They and your PILs have built up so much fuel for perpetual damnation, they'll probably self-combust on the post mortem table.[/quote]
Sorry to you and your blood pressure. They came round (they did that a lot, I’ve since nipped that in the bud) and just loaded it all up. Our house was gutted so they just accessed it. We were living in a tiny caravan in the garden. That’s house gutted it had been.

It’s so shit. My H was so upset and angry about it all (not least because I was raging) but he’s not good at saying anything to them in case he upsets them. He has stood up to them on a couple of occasions and been wracked with guilt subsequently. My FIL has played on that. He’s the main perpetrator.

The money thing pisses my husband off (not because he wants their money) but because it’s just so unfair. Fortunately he hasn’t really picked up on the other GC being wildly favoured, apart from a few financial discrepancies there, too…

boringcreation · 02/01/2022 22:27

@FinallyHere

Ah, I'm guessing the 'always paid for' sibling is a girl/woman and the 'never paid for' sibling is a boy/man.

Because, "obvs." men would be insulted to be paid for where as the ladies, God bless 'em, must be taken care of.

I find it the opposite actually. The boy gets paid for and the girls have to fend for themselves

AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 02/01/2022 22:35

Could it be an age thing? Like we paid for DC2 until they were 21 so will do the same for DC1?

If not very unreasonable, feel very sorry for DC2!

Selttan · 03/01/2022 06:31

I cannot fathom how parents can do this.

My parents have been as fair as possible between me and my sister. My sister has had more $ over the years but that's because of legal trouble and her children (I don't have kids). I definitely don't begrudge any money spent on the kids. My parents have helped me in so many other ways.

To the OP if I was you and you don't want to address this openly, I'd just stop going anywhere that involves $ spent with your in laws and unless they do things for you in return I would put myself out to go visit them.

Original poster

Blatentfavouritism · 03/01/2022 06:56

To answer a few other questions, neither DC are in same sex relationships.

Definitely no hidden reason why DC1 cant pay.

Not an age thing both DC are in their 30's.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 03/01/2022 07:10

@Blatentfavouritism

To answer a few other questions, neither DC are in same sex relationships.

Definitely no hidden reason why DC1 cant pay.

Not an age thing both DC are in their 30's.

Surely it'd because the spoilt one just refuses to pay for themselves - you've said they've sat for hours without a drink before - and their parents want the relationship with them.

If you and your partner started declining meals I'm sure the attitude would change.

Out of curiosity - do the in laws do much childcare for you?

Draineddraineddrained · 03/01/2022 07:11

Is it possibly to do with your partner being in a single earner household despite being your partner? Which one of you doesn't work?

YourenutsmiLord · 03/01/2022 07:20

It will be something from ?childhood, ?a past event, ?something in the parent's childhood................Were one of the DPs the favoured child so it's seen as normal, were one of the DPs the youngest spoiled child so it's seen as normal, was the favoured DP v ill/ nearly died when young so it still favoured ...........etc

KiloWhat · 03/01/2022 07:24

Did DC1 ever need more support growing up? Childhood illness etc? Difficult relationship breakups? It does seem odd. Maybe they don't like DC2s partner but you said it's always been the case.

Eatingsoupwithafork · 03/01/2022 07:27

It happens to my DH and his DS. I think it stems from him leaving home young and paying his own way from a very young age and her doing it a lot later. Her and her DH have a lot of spare income so not short but I think it’s just become a habit. I went shopping with MIL and SIL once though and never again, it was embarrassing she asked for stuff in every shop and MIL bought it for her… it annoyed me simply because she has much more money than MIL and I feel like MIL was being taken advantage of. It’s not really my place to say anything though so I just didn’t go with them again.

BlondeDogLady · 03/01/2022 07:29

I'm a parent of adult children, and I always pay the whole bill when we go out. I can't imagine only paying for one "child". Unless there was a big imbalance in their fortunes.

Could it be anything to do with alcohol consumption, as in you are all on the wine and cocktails, whereas DC1 only has a coke?

HeronLanyon · 03/01/2022 07:41

This is bewildering. I don’t understand why either dc puts up with it.

ChubbyMorticia · 03/01/2022 08:03

Absolutely disgusting! No way I’d be going out with them, or attending anything where gift giving, etc was involved. And I’d be very clear as to why. “It’s bad enough you blatantly favour sibling. I’ll be damned if I continue to pay to watch it.”

FurryGiraffe · 03/01/2022 08:04

This happened to me yesterday, DPs, DB, DH and 2 DC out for lunch. When it came to pay the bill, DF proposed he pay half and DH/I pay half. No suggestion DB pay anything. In fairness to DB he offered money to DF and DF said not to worry about it.

Now, half the bill was a pretty fair representation of our portion of the bill, so in that sense not unfair, but why pay for DB?

In our case I suspect they don't view him as a financially responsible/independent adult. He's 34. Has owned his own flat. Earns £40k+. But he's younger and took much longer to move out/be independent...

CharityDingle · 03/01/2022 08:18

@givethatbabyaname
'(despite earning six figures - she wants the same lifestyle her parents and brothers have).'

She has a good lifestyle on six figures, I presume, are they all on six figures?

autieok · 03/01/2022 08:37

My oh and I have similar thing. There me,oh (their ds). and our three dc. Then there's sil (their dd), bil and there one dc. My oh earns most but I only work part time due to our child's Sen so joint income they earn more than us. My in-laws do so much childcare for their dd, constantly pays for them to do things, buys them treats, looks after their dog. When we ask for child care or dog sitter they have excuses why it's too difficult . They are currently living rent free with in-laws,while their house is being renovated, free round the clock child care and in-laws are helping with renovations. Yet in-laws would swear they treat us equally. Sil and bil don't care they just take what they can, they must see it's not equal. Saying that in a situation as blatant as a meal they would either pay all or just pay for gc or something.

I think if I was dc2 I would have a direct conversation and ask why? Or I'd stop doing stuff with them and say I can't afford it.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/01/2022 08:37

Can't be doing with parents paying for their adult kids unless it's a special occasion and there's a reason for it.
But this is a ridiculous situation
I would have to say something
If I was the adult child and my parent was always paying for me I would be embarrassed

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 03/01/2022 08:43

If anything is said they always avoid the questions or pretend not to have heard and keep repeating that.

I think I wouldn't be able to resist repeating the question until they can no longer stop pretending and have to come up with some sort of answer.

autieok · 03/01/2022 09:19

Also I have 2 adult dc and 1 younger dc. The two older often accuse me of favouritism with younger. Totally unreasonable he's 7 they are in 20's 😂 but elder dd feels I spoil younger dd (there's only 2 year between them) younger one is much needier and tends to ask for help more so while I try to be equal I probably do end up helping her more plus she lives closer so is around more. I think parents can get in to different relationships with children. But the meal and gift example are totally off.

BlueSuffragette · 03/01/2022 13:51

I'd have to ask them why they treat them so differently on a continued basis. It seems so unfair.

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