Would you class this as favouring one DC over another?

[Blatentfavouritism]

Out for a few family meals over Christmas and when it comes to paying parents say they will pay for DC1 and partner and other DC2 pays for themselves and partner and GC1 (1 year old).

This isn't a one off. Always ends up with either DC2 paying for everyone or like this, even when DC2 suggests splitting the bill 3 ways.

AIBU to think this shows favouritism towards the child and partner they always pay for?

So not to drip feed, both DC on ok wages, DC1 is a 2 wages household and DC2 Is a 1 wage household with a young child.

Is DC1 younger or older

This is similar in my family.
My younger brother has things paid for him all of the time even though he doesn’t need it and is better off than I am. If I say something my parents will say he pays them back but I know he doesn’t.

Have they asked parents why dc1 got weekend away for a present?

Very strange.

If I was DC2 I would make a joke about it to my sibling, “oh are you getting mummy to buy you lunch again” might make the parents realise the inequality has been noticed

@Returnoftheowl

DC1 is clearly the favourite. I'm surprised DC2 still accepts invitations out with their family.

Yeah, absolutely this.

I really hate shit like this. What unbelievable failures your in-laws are as parents. And as decent human beings, for that matter.

It's not always the youngest, my older brother had his house deposit paid. I scrimped and saved and lived without for years to buy my first house.

He now lives 200 miles away, my parents don't understand why I have little to do with them. let's hope he provides care in their old age, as I won't be.

My ex BF parents did this. Always paid for his sister and DP, but never us. Even on my BF’s birthday when they were “taking us out for a meal” and I had thanked his parents, they turned round and asked BF to pay for my meal and his. I was mortified.
L

DC1 is probably the DD ( the OP's SIL) and covertly favoured in lots of other ways.
IME.

If I was DC2 I would be declining all meal invitations.
It’s terrible behaviour

My middle brother always got the lavish presents- 2 x foreign school trips, new instruments, sports gear, etc etc and many hangouts as an adult.

I don't really mind insofar as I am the independent one now, and I don't live around the corner from mum (nor ever will again.)

handouts*

Is one of the relationships single sex?

Same sex that should say - sorry for the typo

My PILs do this: negligible, token birthday and Christmas gifts for their sons. Apple laptop, vacuum cleaner, diamond earrings (seriously!) for their daughter.

They think the boys are financially independent, standing on their own two feet, families of their own, don’t need their parents any longer. Daughter is unmarried and has no children. Also inept, totally emotionally and financially dependent on her parents (despite earning six figures - she wants the same lifestyle her parents and brothers have).

Neither son is much bothered. Neither of them think much of their sister. I find it baffling. I’d be so embarrassed if I were her. Where’s her self-pride? 🤷‍♀️

Sometimes families believe something about a family member, despite any evidence to the contrary. So they see DC1 as being in need/ not as well off as DC2/ disadvantaged compared to DC2 - even if that was the case when DC1 was 19 and is not the case 20 years later.

@Blatentfavouritism

Both DC are the same sex.

@Totalwasteofpaper things like that have happened here too. There are so many other times could mention. It angers me but hurts DC2. A smelly gift set for a birthday for DC2 vs a weekend city hotel stay for DC1.

DC1 doesn't show any embarrassment or remorse on any occasion. Always just a given they will be paid for. Have known them to sit for hours without a drink rather than go buy their own. Again I know they are not short of money, they just dont spend their own around family.

Yep my bil is the same.

No embarrassment, no awkwardness, no defence of/ loyalty to my DH "hey mum this isn't fair"

It makes me really cross and mentally I try to box it up but christmas is a real flash point

This year Bil got £1k (phone + cash) and was forced byil to give a £100+ gift to bil...

We got a joint present from" both of them"(£150 baby related item) a men's jumper and an expired regifted bath set for me

I try not to make it worse but refuse to gaslight my dh so do validate DHs feeling when he brings it up and share my honedt view is there is no reciprocity in the relationship with MIL and that's wrong.

It was always very, very important that me and my sister were treated exactly the same.
Sounds like dc2 needs to be reading the 'stately home thread'

@wildseas

Same sex that should say - sorry for the typo

I was wondering the same thing.

Are you sure there isn't a hidden reason why DC1 can't pay (eg has been declared bankrupt or something drastic)? If not, then it's obviously horribly unfair.

And I would point blank refuse to go out with them anymore, and if asked why, just say because we're sick of the blatant favouritism, so we feel it's easier to not come, and feel hurt every single time.

And then leave it at that.

I’ve namechanged for this. I hope you don’t mind me sharing my experience, OP.

The reason I hate this so much is because my ILs do it to us. My SIL and BIL and their kids are favoured beyond belief. So much so, they were given six figures towards buying a house. They’re both high earners in respected professions, hardly on the breadline. My H asked to borrow a few hundred once for an unforeseen expense (we run our own business and what comes in goes out on a lot of expenses) and he was told to pay it back the following week with interest.

When we were renovating our house after an electrical fire (I caught it early but it meant our house was dangerous) the ILs demanded we give all our old stuff to SIL and BIL who’d just bought their new huge home. We were going to sell it all to raise money for our renovation works, so they offered to buy it from us. The ILs then took the lot for SIL and BIL and pretended they had no recollection of offering to buy it. In the end they gave us £100. For all our furniture and some solid wood window frames, tonnes of oak flooring and doors we’d so carefully taken out to sell. We only got that after I kicked off. It was awful. If we’d sold it like we wanted to we’d have raised thousands and thousands towards our house.

Makes me so angry I can’t speak.

I am speechless and cannot fathom why anyone would do this and think it's ok. How do they justify it?

Is there a "reason" they disapprove of your relationship?

Why do all sit there and go along with this farce

at least refuse to go to these meals