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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you class this as favouring one DC over another?

97 replies

Blatentfavouritism · 02/01/2022 17:18

Out for a few family meals over Christmas and when it comes to paying parents say they will pay for DC1 and partner and other DC2 pays for themselves and partner and GC1 (1 year old).

This isn't a one off. Always ends up with either DC2 paying for everyone or like this, even when DC2 suggests splitting the bill 3 ways.

AIBU to think this shows favouritism towards the child and partner they always pay for?

So not to drip feed, both DC on ok wages, DC1 is a 2 wages household and DC2 Is a 1 wage household with a young child.

OP posts:
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 02/01/2022 17:47

Oops, with my slow typing, lots of others asking same question!

Original poster
Blatentfavouritism · 02/01/2022 17:49

@fallfallfall

I’d suspect they are aware of certain financial information and are trying to help. Maybe saving for a house or fertility tx etc.
Definitely not the case here. DC1 has lots of expendable cash for holidays, concerts, clothes etc.
OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 02/01/2022 17:49

We have this too and I can relate as I found it BIZARRE and the weirdest bit was everyone else acting like its normal...

bil is an adult with a job and more disposable income than us.
DHs mother puts £300pm in his savings every month, pays his phone bill, pays for business class flights for him, and pays for all outings and meals she goes on with him. DH never received anything like this.
Further... We are expected to pay in full for her and him at restaurants and all outings.
We get "joint gifts" from mil and bil which she buys and he doesn't pay towards.
Once mil gave my DH a £300 watch, in the next second she handed BIL a £3k watch...?!?!? No one said a thing - mad!

I think its insane and grossly unfair but it's for DH to manage not me.

I don't get the logic closet I can rationalise to is Mil has decided DH is rich/owes her something and should "provide" for his family (this includes her and bil) and BIL is her perpetual Baby and so must be given things...?
It's hard and I don't have the answer.

Lanique · 02/01/2022 17:52

Unbefuckinglievable... I would not allow this to go on under my nose. What are you going to do about this Op?

Lanique · 02/01/2022 17:53

Actually, my apologies. What is your DH going to do about this op?

Saskatcha · 02/01/2022 17:56

Similar here but not so brazen. Just been staying with in-laws. They did everything to avoid paying for all the coffees etc we bought when out. When it came to their turn (they asked us out for a meal and booked without telling us) we split the bill. They have paid for huge amounts for my BIL and his family in the past. We also pay to travel to see them.

Underthestairsbears · 02/01/2022 17:57

This happened to us on holiday with DHs Dad and wife.
He paid for him, his wife, his two adult children - DH's step siblings and we paid for ourselves.
We had no problem paying for ourselves as we had kids with us but honestly thought it was rubbish that the adult step family didn't pay for themselves... they were all working adults with partners and own homes.

It's even more rubbish in your situation.

saraclara · 02/01/2022 17:58

Why does DC1and their partner accept this? Surely they can see the imbalance and be embarrassed by it?

Georgeskitchen · 02/01/2022 17:58

How bizarre
If I was DC2 I would decline the invitations and just take my own family out

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 02/01/2022 18:01

@saraclara

Why does DC1and their partner accept this? Surely they can see the imbalance and be embarrassed by it?
Yes, that’s what I was thinking.
Luredbyapomegranate · 02/01/2022 18:01

Yeah Of course.

Kids should be treated equally unless there’s a good reason why eg one is much broker than the other. What’s their explanation?

Alieninmybody · 02/01/2022 18:04

Are both DC the same gender?

When I ask how often I mean how often do you all go for meals together.

I wouldn't go in future, and state clearly why. If your partner wants to go that's their choice but I would be telling all involved I don't want to be included in yet another event where my partner is treated as a less important person.

theqentity · 02/01/2022 18:09

My DF did this with my sister and me for years. Always paid her bit of the bill and left me and DH to pay for ourselves. Drove my DH nuts. She earned the same as me.

CharSiu · 02/01/2022 18:15

Yes and it’s awful, FIL left has entire estate to SIL and now MIL has given SIL 10k. She does have a partner who lives off her but she has always earned well but she is shit with money. She also complains all the time about her life. MIL is now selling her house to free up capital for living expenses and moving away from Surrey to be near us, SIL will be after the money and MIL will give it to SIL who is a parasite as far as I’m concerned. DH has never done anything even remotely terrible.

TooWicked · 02/01/2022 18:23

MIL is now selling her house to free up capital for living expenses and moving away from Surrey to be near us

No doubt expecting you to do any caring for her that needs done.

I’ve been very clear with DH that I’ll be doing precisely nothing for his dad.

BoredZelda · 02/01/2022 18:38

Still unclear which one you are in this scenario but either way sitting back and saying nothing is unbelievable.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/01/2022 18:41

Unfair. I expect they don't want to confront parents about it, which I can understand, but I would stop going to the joint meals in that case, and let the parents figure it out.

Original poster
Blatentfavouritism · 02/01/2022 18:46

Both DC are the same sex.

@Totalwasteofpaper things like that have happened here too. There are so many other times could mention. It angers me but hurts DC2. A smelly gift set for a birthday for DC2 vs a weekend city hotel stay for DC1.

DC1 doesn't show any embarrassment or remorse on any occasion. Always just a given they will be paid for. Have known them to sit for hours without a drink rather than go buy their own. Again I know they are not short of money, they just dont spend their own around family.

OP posts:
Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 02/01/2022 18:48

This happens with one of DHs cousins. He leaves most meals with more money than he came in with. They just treat him, and he behaves, like he's completely useless and incapable of looking after himself. It's pathetic but whatever. It's not good for a person to be treated like that so I feel sorry for him that he's being held back like that.

Chloemol · 02/01/2022 18:53

I would stop going out with them. And when the parents question it I would state it’s because of the obvious favouritism being shown and that as a one income family you can’t afford it, when DC1 is a two income family and lays for nothing

Chloemol · 02/01/2022 18:53

Pays

SportsMother · 02/01/2022 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Blatentfavouritism · 02/01/2022 18:59

@SportsMother I don't get why parents would think that's alright. Sounds like it's more for showing off than anything else

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 02/01/2022 19:00

I think I’d have to have a serious conversation with them about this. It’s very odd.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 02/01/2022 19:03

No this is shit. My DH earns far more than his sister and what's given to one is always given to the other.

What you earn, arguably, is personal choice and parents should not favour one child over the other because they've made different choices. The only exception is if parents can only afford to sub one of them, and the wealthier child is happy for it to be the other.