Struggling to conceive and ambivalent about children - please tell me others have been through this?

[twwindow]

Ok, I'm having a bit of a rough time. I've not found anyone IRL or searching articles online that seems to be able to relate to my story.

Anyway, I hope other people can share their experience on how they are handling with this because it's starting to make me sad. It ruined my NYE and I'm just...fed up.

So I started TTC over two years ago, I wasn't fully convinced but I felt like o was as ready as I'd ever be. Since then I've had two losses . My last one being 6 months ago.

We have been TTC and every time I get past the twwindow...nothing. I stupidly tested last night before going out and it ruined my evening to know it was negative.

It's draining me. It's taking forever. Its not something I can fully 'relax' about even though I keep telling myself too - but how can I when I have to stop things like alcohol and tww window is in the back of my head etc.

Now what makes my issue unique is that I am also ambivalent about the whole thing - so why do I get upset when I see negatives? Why am I trying to make something happen I'm not even fully sure about?

When I get a negative test I feel a mixture of sadness, anger but also relief that I can carry on as normal.

I'm getting down about relationships with friends as it's all a bit weird, they bring it up - I get annoyed and it's impacting on me wanting to interact with them.

I don't know why I feel this, but no one literally no one IRL understands or relates to my story so I'm hoping someone can?

I never thought I'd not only struggle to conceive but also have an added layer of complexity around ambivalence of parenting.

I’m sorry about your losses. I don’t think your situation is as unique as you might expect though. I’ve never really wanted children but thinking about whether to or not occupies so much headspace for me, it’s not something I can ever stop thinking about or close off. If other people have announced pregnancies it’s caused the most horrible jealousy even though it’s not been something I thought I wanted? For that reason we’ve decided to TTC, even though I’ve spent years trying to avoid pregnancy / being relieved if I wasn’t. It’s not just you. It’s not a clear cut thing.

@Weirdwonders it's definitely not clear cut. Thank you for sharing. Honestly, I have never heard anyone talking about their ambivalence.

Every person I know has never doubted whether or not they want kids - it just seems to be something they 'know' and they seem to have falllen pregnant easily so guess it gives them less time to have the feelings of doubt.

With the journey I'm having I honestly don't just know whether to quit while I'm ahead

Have you posted about this before OP? I’m not saying that to be snippy but because there was another similar thread fairly recently that I remember and you could maybe search for it or someone cleverer than me might be able to link it if they can find it? Might be helpful to you?

I don’t think it’s a completely unusual situation to be in. I desperately wanted children and was about to start ttc single when I met my now DH. We started ttc earlier than we might have done because time was not on our side (and indeed it took us 4 years) and I definitely had some mixed feelings around that.

I’d also mentally decided a cut off point beyond which we wouldn’t keep trying and I remember dreading that point but also thinking it would be a relief and having an idea of what else I might do with my life instead.

@AliasGrape I haven't posted about this specific topic before (at least I don't remember!)

Thank you for sharing, I feel the situation is unique because I don't feel 'desperate to have children' but still feel like I'm going through great emotional lengths to get one. It's frustrating.

I don't know if it's societal pressure, body clock or what.

Sorry you are having a tough time OP.

But is it an opportunity to rethink? Most people find parenthood tough, I think you want to be sure you want to do it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Infertility sucks no matter what the situation surrounding it.

Have you had any tests done? I ask because perhaps it would help you to either move on or keep going.

I'd suggest stop tracking your cycle and don't worry about drinking in the TWW it makes no difference and why make this journey harder than it has to be

@Luredbyapomegranate that's my whole point. I don't know if it's a sign to just quit while I'm ahead. Like you say so many people find it so tough but then so many say it's all they live for - and it's the best thing that ever happened to them. It's a massive gamble s to which camp you'll be in

@Twizbe yes I've had tests, tithings weren't great but nothing significant that might mean I cannot conceive was highlighted either

I was in your shoes.

Ambivalent about children but biological clock started beating overnight when I hit thirty. Suddenly had this manic urge to be pregnant. Like, would literally feel a pang of jealously when I saw a pregnant woman in the street. Was never interested in children- having to take them to school, planning childcare etc definitely didn’t appeal, but longed to be pregnant and have a baby.

Started TTCing and it didn’t go well. Started temp checking etc after 6 months. Established after a year that we’d need assistance so decided to just pause for a while and see how we felt. I really wanted to look after our marriage too as TTCing took its toll.

Did that and then the bloodiness just naturally waned. Went back to feeling how I had previously- happy to see my friends’ kids but no yearning for my own.

So we opted against treatment, ramped up the contraception, and are very happy with the choice we made.

@WarmWhiteXmasLights it is refreshing to hear your story. Thank you for sharing.

Do you mind me asking, what was it that made you aware you needed assistance?

Do you mind me asking, what was it that made you aware you needed assistance?

Well, no baby after lots and lots of sex

Joking

I had always had irregular periods. Once I started tracking temperatures and using OPKs, I realised I wasn’t ovulating consistently. Went to GP and had tests and scans and was diagnosed with PCOS and went on Clomid for six cycles. It was six months of hell for me, though I know it works well for other women. For me, I was having constant invasive thoughts. Awful.

DH also had sperm analysis done around that time and everything was fine on his side.

Anyway, the Clomid didn’t work. Some months I did ovulate but still didn’t get pregnant.

At that stage, we didn’t progress with treatment.

Among my friend who have used Clomid, I’m unusual as it seems to have worked well for many of them so don’t be put off if it is a case that you do need to try it. I just think it didn’t agree with me at all.

[quote twwindow]@Twizbe yes I've had tests, tithings weren't great but nothing significant that might mean I cannot conceive was highlighted either [/quote]
We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.

By the time we got the diagnosis it was a choice of keep trying or do IVF. I wasn't too keen on IVF but as we qualified for NHS treatment I decided to do that but no private treatment.

I'd also started to make peace with not having a baby. In the end our son was conceived the cycle before starting ivf.

When it came to trying for number 2 we agreed at the start to not undergo any treatment if it didn't happen naturally. I think had our daughter not come along we would have 'tried' until about now ish. Our eldest is 5 in a few weeks and neither of us want to go back to baby land now.

Perhaps think about whether you want to actively do treatment or what levels you feel ok with. IVF is very invasive but with unexplained infertility there isn't much other option.

With kindness and respect OP, if you don't know if you what kids, why on earth are you subjecting yourself to this emotional rollercoaster? Just move on and save yourself this angst... or commit to wanting a baby and acknowledge your grief. At the moment you're just in a hellish limbo.

We had always wanted children. I took the endless negative tests bad and ended up on antidepressants. In the end we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility and we decided to try IVF. We were both excited about IVF and never saw it as a negative thing but the way we possibly could have a baby. We ended up having twins on the first cycle.

I get it OP. I felt ambivalent for want of a better word about the outcome and wasn’t certain I wanted children but every month I was gutted and frustrated when my body failed to do what everyone else’s seemed to do easily.

[quote twwindow]@Luredbyapomegranate that's my whole point. I don't know if it's a sign to just quit while I'm ahead. Like you say so many people find it so tough but then so many say it's all they live for - and it's the best thing that ever happened to them. It's a massive gamble s to which camp you'll be in [/quote]
I’d have a look through all the ‘do you secretly wish you never had kids/what if you hadn’t had kids/what do you love/hate about having kids’ threads on here - see what resonates. I’d say there are a lot of people regretting it, or not enjoying it, as well as the ‘I didn’t think I was bothered but now I love it’ group.

Also think very very very hard about whether your OH will do half the work

@coochyboochy honestly, I have massive FOMO. This is something people say changes their life for the best so it's something I don't want to miss out on. People often say they love for their kids - so without kids isn't life a bit pointless if they hat people say is true?

I totally relate. I was entirely ambivalent and when we found out that we could not conceive naturally I was so -angry-as well as sad that I now had to make the choice of whether to go through ivf or not. I was about to phone up for my first ivf cycle appointment and ended up in snotty tears of despair at being forced to make this now or never decision about something I didn't even know if I wanted. It was horrible. In the end I didn't go ahead. 90% if the time 5 years later I'd say I'm fine with our decision- but at Christmas when my MIL signed a present to our dog as 'from granny' I had to go upstairs to catch my breath. It's hard. But at the same time I have friends with a difficult baby and I'm pretty sure that could have broken me!

Ps the people who say it's pointless without kids can fuck right off. My life definitely isn't pointless and I have far more energy to do 'good' for others without having my own family.

so without kids isn't life a bit pointless if they hat people say is true?

But would your life be pointless?

You don't seem to feel strongly that having children is your life's purpose, so presumably your life has a point to you already? It's not really relevant what some other person feels their life's purpose is, what counts is your life.

[quote twwindow]@coochyboochy honestly, I have massive FOMO. This is something people say changes their life for the best so it's something I don't want to miss out on. People often say they love for their kids - so without kids isn't life a bit pointless if they hat people say is true? [/quote]
Wow, so glad I shared my story with you.

Guess I’m off to my pointless life now.

It depends what you want out of life. I have 2 planned kids. No job. Don't go out. Not much of a life even before kids.

I have a brother and sister. Neither want kids. Both including spouse have good jobs car dogs holidays. They have better lives than I do.

I was as ambivalent as it's possible to be. Never had the slightest interest in babies or children and not a hint of maternal instinct or broodiness. We decided to TTC because I didn't want to look back with regret.
We had been together 20 years at this point so I suspected there might be an issue with fertility.

Slightly different to OP I became pregnant first attempt. I was pretty terrified and felt profoundly guilty for not being overjoyed and thrilled.
I did struggle at first but it was a genuine life changing / enhancing thing. 25 years ago and the best thing I ever did.

@WarmWhiteXmasLights I'm so so sorry, I seriously didn't mean it in that way. I should have put 'pointless' in quotation marks as I'm referring to how many parents say things along those lines - you always see threads on here about how people wouldn't have any motivation of it wasn't for their kids.

Please don't take what I said personally - as I don't agree with parents when they say this but it's said so often it is what makes me think I should do this whole thing.

Also, I would be talking about my own 'pointless' life too if I were being personal! (which I'm not)

Sorry 😞

So I am not in the same position exactly...as I am currently pregnant!!

But I was ambivalent about having children generally, I wasn't against it but really my husband was the driver.
We didn't have fertility issues in the end but we started informally trying and nothing happened for 4-5 months so then moved to more "conserted efforts". It took 6-7 months of that before I conceived and by that point we had already begun fertility testing due to hearing lots of horror stories about the long road & my (old) age. trying was pretty all consuming and at times upsetting and stressful which was weird considering my indifference/ambivalence.

Concurrent to that I had some counselling sessions that helped me decide what I was /wasn't prepared for in terms of medical assistance and time trying.
Ultimately I hated the strain and pressure it put on me individually and on our relationship (even in that 6-7 month window)
I didn't want to carry on like this indefinitely, it overshadowed everything, particularly as it was during covid / lockdowns.

I decided while i was willing do it up to 3 rounds of artificial insemination I was NOT prepared to do IVF at all, for a variety of reasons. My DH and I also agreed to put a 2 year cap on it - if it didn't happen we'd move on.

This helped me hugely, as the process of trying IS so unexpectedly stressful and I found myself thinking Argh!!! WHY are we putting ourselves through this??? our life is awesome already!!!

I still feel like I'd be okay either way it's just two different paths in life and I know I could have been happy on both / either paths.