Struggling to conceive and ambivalent about children - please tell me others have been through this?

[twwindow]

Ok, I'm having a bit of a rough time. I've not found anyone IRL or searching articles online that seems to be able to relate to my story.

Anyway, I hope other people can share their experience on how they are handling with this because it's starting to make me sad. It ruined my NYE and I'm just...fed up.

So I started TTC over two years ago, I wasn't fully convinced but I felt like o was as ready as I'd ever be. Since then I've had two losses . My last one being 6 months ago.

We have been TTC and every time I get past the twwindow...nothing. I stupidly tested last night before going out and it ruined my evening to know it was negative.

It's draining me. It's taking forever. Its not something I can fully 'relax' about even though I keep telling myself too - but how can I when I have to stop things like alcohol and tww window is in the back of my head etc.

Now what makes my issue unique is that I am also ambivalent about the whole thing - so why do I get upset when I see negatives? Why am I trying to make something happen I'm not even fully sure about?

When I get a negative test I feel a mixture of sadness, anger but also relief that I can carry on as normal.

I'm getting down about relationships with friends as it's all a bit weird, they bring it up - I get annoyed and it's impacting on me wanting to interact with them.

I don't know why I feel this, but no one literally no one IRL understands or relates to my story so I'm hoping someone can?

I never thought I'd not only struggle to conceive but also have an added layer of complexity around ambivalence of parenting.

@Twattergy

Ambivalence is normal, there are lots of us who didn't just 'know' we wanted kids. And made rational (head, not heart) type decisions relating to children. I erred towards 'yes' - ultimately I felt I wanted to lie on my death bed having experienced motherhood, despite already having a very fulfilled life. I don't agree with the advice 'don't have kids unless you are 100% sure', I think that is unrealistic. Knowing that you are up for the challenge of parenthood and trusting yourself to be a good, caring parent is enough.

I think that's a good post, @Twattergy -- like you, the decision ultimately swung for me on whether I thought motherhood was something I wanted to experience, alongside going as far as I could in my work, and living longterm in other countries and the like. I did, ultimately trust that, whatever my experience of having a child turned out to be, I would be up to the job of being a 'good enough' parent.

If you're not sure, could you carry on not using contraception and forget about the timings/windows/not drinking etc? Just live a normal life but without contraception. Might take the pressure off a bit and give you a break from thinking about it.

@TheDrrWillSeeYouNow yes I think that's the way I should to given how I feel I completely agree. However, I cannot stop thinking about it and protecting my body 'just incase' this is horrible head fuck

'If you're not sure, could you carry on not using contraception and forget about the timings/windows/not drinking etc?'

Or the opposite - go back on contraception and tell yourself that you won't be conceiving for X amount of time, and see how you feel about it

I feel the situation is unique because I don't feel 'desperate to have children' but still feel like I'm going through great emotional lengths to get one. It's frustrating. I don't know if it's societal pressure, body clock or what.

Hi OP
I don't think the situation is as unique as you think it is. I think a lot of people make a head vs heart decision about having kids, influenced by a pronatalist society and that feeling of it being something we should do. A lot of people have children without really examining why they are having them... It is just the next step/feels like a natural progression.

I was ambivalent for years. Then biological clock clicked in at 36 and a now or never mentality kicked in and we had 5 years of trying on and off to conceive.... including two rounds of unsuccessful IVF ultimately leading to us remaining childless. I periodically feel grief for the life we could have/might have had with children but there are now more days than not when I'm actually a little bit relieved that circumstances have kept us child free. I also wonder how much my head got all wound up with wanting something we couldn't have/grass is greener scenarios.

If time is on your side, take a break from it (TTC) for a few months. Really examine your life and look at the pros and cons. Easier said than done I know but if you don't give yourself a break you potentially risk your mental health, happiness and relationship.
Hope it all works out for you x

I always wanted children from as long as I can remember, but actually committing to such a life changing decision is terrifying! I expected to have fertility problems (pcos) but luckily fell pregnant very quickly. I was in shock and shaking with fear when I tested!

I love my DC but they are all consuming. I feel like I am drowning from work/life and I don't have much support. Over Christmas I have had very little downtime which I desperately need and i feel many are in the same position. It's a huge irreversible commitment - please if you can spend time with friends and family with their children if you have FOMO and check your expectations against the reality of small children!

I felt the same. Ttc for ages, multiple miscarriages, etc. Each month I felt upset, then relieved. It got to a point where I wasn’t sure if I wanted a baby, or was just so determined to have a baby because it seemed I couldn’t. I had to have some surgery on my uterus, and they always put a coil in after so it heals properly. It was a relief tbh, no more pressure, sex was when we wanted it not because we had to. I had the coil removed a few months later and we decided to stop tracking and give ourselves a break for a bit. I had made peace that whatever happened I loved my husband and we could be happy with or without a child. Then, we had a week off, drank far too much, ate whatever, sex whenever, and I got pregnant! I now have a beautiful daughter, life is very different and in all honesty I don’t think my career will be the same (they won’t let me reduce my hours, so it feels more of a check in as an disillusioned with them rather than the enjoyable, proactive role I had before). I don’t regret having our baby, but I honestly think I would have been just as happy if we didn’t. I would recommend going back in contraception for a bit to take away all the stress and anxiety that something could happen. Enjoy the life you have for a few months stress-free. Then, when/if you’re ready try again, it might make you reevaluate what you actually have and whether you want it all to change. Good luck!

I think this ambivalence is definitely more common than we think.

I definitely would say I wanted DC but I was enjoying my life without and wasn’t desperate to spend time with young children. I was excited to TTC but I guess it was more that the process seemed quite exciting (although I realise this sounds incredibly juvenile, I want to be honest). I had friends doing it and the whole TWW thing and keeping a track of fertility on apps and calendars, I’m not sure I necessarily envied them but it was almost the next stage or the next thing to focus on and I wanted to catch up? As in, I’d recently moved teams at work and could tick that off, deciding to TTC was the next project to occupy my mind with.

I got pregnant with my first very easy and whilst I guess I was thinking about the baby I was also thinking about the milestones of the scans, what maternity wear I needed to pick up and the things to buy and get sorted for the baby. I made a spreadsheet of what to get and that was really exciting but again in a sort of work project way..?
I feel like I can kind of relate to you when you say you feel sad every month at the negative test every month even though on any other day you’re more ambivalent.. I wonder if this was 50 years a go, before early pregnancy tests, before being able to know if you’d had a very early miscarriage, before knowing exactly when you had ovulated .. how would you feel about it all? Because I think I would have approached it all differently for sure. I think I would still have ended up with DC but perhaps the FOMO would have been less and I would have waited an extra year or two. Being able to try and find out within as little as 10 days and then be able to predict pretty accurately when I was ovulating the next month made it all seem so much more urgent and pressing and maybe exciting…? If it were simply a case of waiting and seeing I don’t think I would have been so keen to start the process so early.

The stupid thing is, I’m now really quite desperate for a third and I don’t really know why. I adore my DC but it is hard work and I’m ready for the next stage in many ways (more helping with homework, worrying about schools and extra curriculars.. less sleepless nights with a toddler and not being able to even have an uninterrupted bath) so WHY do I want another one? I think it’s somewhat biological .. maybe me getting older and my body knowing I don’t have that long left (I’m mid 30s and my Mum had an early menopause so this seems likely) but also I’m searching for the next THING and I wonder if this is kind of just a sad sign of the times thing, I can’t just sit still.